Chitan poo, childhood, and love

Wow.. havent been here for a long long time. sometimes i feel like writing but i cant concentrate! now at the office and i dont feel like.... working hard. hehehe.

Raya soon. And its gonna be a boring week fr me bcause both me and my boyfriend will be busy with our own things and.. its not gonna be like normal weeks.

That day we watched Ice Age trailer, the part where the girl dumped the boy because the boy is clingy... he said.. "tesindir ku eh" i was like... "what? no, i am clingy"

Him: "im clingy!"
Me: "im clingy!"

and it went on and on.. until "yah lets settled with we both are clingy then" 

At home, he speaks both chinese and english (less malay), and thenn he met his very malay girlfriend! nyeheh. indalah, at school and with most of his school friends, he spoke malay too but its just... abit karau and standard here and there. So one day i teased him, "you know 'injit2 semut sapa sakit naik atas'? pernah main when you were a kid?

Well aware that i was teasing him "oh, no inda pernah"

Me: "Yah? So u dont have a childhood"

Him: "Hmm. Have u ever played... 'chitan chitan poo'?" Now i knew exactly where he was going.. that i didnt have a childhood (too). Smart comeback, he learned fast from me the expert :p

Im happy.

But then even the seemingly happy couple do have their down side of the relationship, i believe. I used to look at happy couple and thought "there isnt a thing that would paint their relationship ugly. inda pernah kelayi ni eh" wrong wrong wrong. There will always be arguments and menahan rasa. Even on the most little, innocent stuff. Thats how relationship goes.. Whats more important is fr both to work on it and.. fight, no matter what. And i really really really appreciate the effort he made into our relationship. (maybe the effort that we both put into it? to be fair? haha)

We started as friends, not so close friends. Happened to be in the same scholarship programme. Didnt really share personal stuff or even personal character much. Then maybe 6 years later, we were in the same "tough" training. We were close, but i thought thats just close-friends. and i felt normal. because.. we were close friends.

 One lecturer would say "he is your best friend isnt he?" at that time, i thought he must have sensed something that i didnt..

Training made us close. I got to know him close and he got to know me. Id believe anyone who said they fell for me during that phase because thats the ugliest ive been and thats the best and worst of me ive shown. and i.. believed him. Its not that i didnt have any feeling for him. I felt jealous when he showed care to other girls and i felt jealous when other girls were interested in him. It was boring when we were going out and he wasnt there. I liked to look for him bcause it was more fun for me when he was around. But i thought.. that was just normal feelings, bcause he was a close friend..

So at the beginning of the relationship, a guy asked me how often me and my boyfriend argued in a week. I was annoyed with the questiion (someone from work, theyre usually annoying, with these kinds of questions. yg penting hati mesti open and tahan luka. ahaha). Like why does it matter how many times kami klayi? Not all relationships are the same!

Me: "Not too often. Sometimes klayi main2 catu saja"
Him: "Not too often. Balum rapat tu ertinya eh"

Reallyy? I was abit uncomfortable with that - alum rapat. It felt like my (so young) relationship at the time being judged. Yes ive known him for almost 10 yrs and we were close during the training. But.. was he right? As much as i wanted to deny, these days it rang true.

As time went by, there were more klayi, more heartbreaks (not really, as in.. i began to feel deeply. I cared when he couldnt make time for me, i cared when he broke his promises, i cared when he is hurt or sad, i cared with what he said and sometimes.. those hurt me. It didnt happen in the early relationship. There were times when i didnt mind if he wasnt next to me). Yeah there isnt so much to "how many times we argued and klayi in a week" most times, the week is clean. the month is clean. the months are clean. But there are times when the week is so dark too. ahaha.

Anyways, i guess thats how relationship is. Its not gonna be easy. Thats why i believe it when people say dont go for marriage looking for happines, but go for it knowing it wont be easy. There will be hearbreaks..

Sure marriage offers happiness too. But yes, its not gona be easy. Eseh

Im happy. I hope it stays this way.

Anyways. Selamat Hari Raya.

no, im not happy

"are you happy?" and i failed to answer that.

A happy person wont doubt if she is happy. if she is happy, she knows it. when im happy, i know it and i dont doubt it.

but now, its been a few months or longer.. i feel.. regrets, frustrated and.. im not happy. today made me realise that..

a friend whom i met when i did my postgraduate asked me "how ur days are going?" i wanted to say.. fine! good! but it feels like im lying to myself. as i searched closely, how my days are going?

i felt like im in a deep shit the past few months but managed to hold on. the last month was my worst, i shed tears like a crying baby. and realised how unhappy i am..

mostly with my work life. i wanted to answer her "i am unhappy with my work and i wish i could have done it differently. and i am happy with him and generally happy with my social-work-unrelated life" but instead i just said my days are okay, just wishing i have more freedom and time.

her next reply hits me "but im proud of you. youre a police or defense officer in your country!" and that she is not working now bcause she has not gotten her postgraduate results and is expecting a baby soon. she has been married for almost 3 yrs now.

she wasnt the brightest student i have ever met. she never impressed me in that sense. she was not well off, she had to work extra hours and did different jobs just so she could get on with her PG studies. she did not come from a fortunate family (and country), she had to live abroad for a better life. she was not the prettiest either (tho shes an okay looking). and before i was done with PG, she told me that she is going to get married the next year. she was match-made by her family and pretty nervous about it. she told me about the guy's background and that she has not met him. she doubted if she would like him and if she would want to get married..

turned out he was not a bad looking guy and he seemed quite well off.

two and a half years later, she is expecting a baby, looking so glowing and happy. pretty pictures everywhere with her husband and family. do i sound like i am a jealous person? yes i am, indeed.

she isnt working, she hasnt gotten her PG results. and she said she is proud of me, and yes, my PG results were good. but does it matter now? is my life better than hers now? NO! i wish i could switch places with her instead. i want to settle down to a stable life, loving husband and lovely children. an okay income. a home i wouldnt be able to wait to go to everyday. a time for those i love..

live with the man i love, having a baby, have a home, get to go to pretty places, spend the time with the loved ones all i want. no worries about work and especially no worries over other people and silly things. silly unnecessary things..

but would i want things to have been different? i wish im not living this kind of life now. i wish i could walk away.. but if things didnt happen the way it did, would i have met him? would i have met the friends i treasure now? would i have felt the best years of my life? maybe no, maybe yes..

i am grateful for what i have but i should be more grateful, i really should. but i feel like things are really hard now, and nothing goes as i wish it is..

ya Allah, tabahkan hatiku.. permudahkan urusanku.. luruskan niatku.. ihklaskan hatiku.. jadikan aku seorang hamba yang selalu bersyukur kepadmu ya Allah..

ya Allah, berilah aku jalan keluar dari perasaan buruk yang membelenggu diriku ya Allah.. amin ya Allah..

she is not

..."put my hands on your beating heart" i love it when you do that :)

when we hear someone is into a girl, or into a boy..we would wonder how they look like.. they must be a great someone that someone else is liking them, loving them that much..

but i think, in reality.. only 30% of love story matches that assumption "he must be someone great" -maybe- but to me, most likely its gonna be this way:

"he is not someone i imagined i would fall for, and likely, i am not someone he imagined he would fall for" but we did and for what it is worth, we will fight for our choices for as long as we live (can), biiznillah.

and even if things get ugly someday (nauzubillah), i will want to remember how i feel for him thus far

:)

loploplop

i.. observe. i see things around me. i see the angles. i see them all. i love that part of me.

except.. except that im less like that now. haha. mostly because ive been busy. and.. ive been directing most of my feelings towards that one person. (perghh cawee aku karang ani. tau kau? haha)

maybe its time for me to reevaluate. not that i feel less for him. no. its just sometimes, i feel its not very healthy to have this much energy directed towards one person, and it dims all other doors. i might have been more workaholic, i might have been more attentive towards other things.. if i.. if i dont feel this way.

But.. i.. i dont have regrets for that. not even a little. its just.. maybe i should wake up and be more balanced? haha.

feeling this much for someone, sometimes it hurts. unnecessarily hurts me. sometimes it feels stupid to be hurt over silly things. and sometimes i think.. "isnt it easier those days when he was just a friend. a very good friend? i wont be hurt over these silly things" haha. i know i know. immature thinking right? when u love someone, something, u fight all the way.

remember when people asked me, what am i looking for in a person? i couldnt really give a solid answer. but i know this one for sure "someone who i know will fight for me no matter what and that i would do the same for him"

he might not be the one i imagined i would fall for and im not the girl he imagined he would fall for. but.. we fell for each other and i know for sure that the moment i decided to be with him, i have faith that he will fight fr me no matter what and i would do the same.

i dont know whats next. things might go ugly too. but im gonna remember how i feel for him today and this far. :)

its just that emm.. he is being so sweet tonite. and girls are easily touched esp when i let my walls down like this. and im very grateful..

over silly things

i.. didnt know i could be this fragile. funny, but i am.

i.. didnt know that a person could hold that much power on me..

true, the one that make you the happiest is the one who's gonna hurt you the most (intentionally or not).

sigh. i hope this goes away fast.. and easy.

i didnt know how other people could deal with their pain. huhu.

him..

never thought i'd feel this way.. not towards him.

haha. funny how life turns out to be. at least, for now.

and i… really could appreciate the sentiment of "i already miss him" already missing him eventhough ive just spent the day with him :(

i dont know what the future holds. i dont know whats gonna happen to us. or if we could even make it. but im gonna live each day as it comes. and missing him all the time :(

eyes

those eyes.. are gentle.. are staring.. are glowing..

those eyes.. they scare me, they excite me..

a lot in them.. some I can tell, some I can't..

sometimes.. there are these butterflies..

but sometimes.. I wish it were normal again..

so I dont know.. I dont know..

I wonder if they're in pain.. wonder if they bleed..

I am confused..

I wanna hide..

I wanna stay..

run run run

well. have you ever felt like.. you think you are okay but you feel like you wanna run away? run away from everything, hide and wish it could be normal again? but at the same time, you want to stay. and youre confused, and you dont know what to do.


i wish it could be easy. i wish it wouldnt have changed anything.

swim

if i were to write something that would give impact, it would be a lot. especially upon graduation.

however, right now.. i just wanna say.. ive been doing 20 laps swim a day for the past 4 days!

greatest achievement would be today. did my own trial.. jumped, came back on the surface, float and swam the 100m.

plus those non-stop 4 laps. i mean, really non-stop. YAY.

Alhamdulillah. wlwpun i havent buat the (next) test, for now, i am happy to see my own improvement. and i hope the coaches are happierrr too. to see i moved from a non swimmer yg langsung pakai floater pun inda brani. kan start after i could do it with floater pun inda dapat, tenggalam saja, to not being able to abiskan link horizontal (yg side to side, ukan ujung to ujung), to being able to abiskan the sides, to being able abiskan dari tangga, to abiskan one link, to two links non-stop and now 4 links. alhamdulillah, me is happy :)

i hope i do extremely well in the next test, the test after commissioning. amin ya Allah

done

so.. im done with all the field exercises! yay. alhamdulillah. yg tinggal basic tests and training saja lagi. been nervous for exercise after exercise.. tapi ahirnya tebuat jua bh. hehe.

these last two exercises were the longest ones we were "taken" away from "real life". on the go fr two weeks straight, didn't go back to the camp. yes, there were these weekend days that we got to spend nicely with all the la la days.. sung our songs, threw our jokes around, walked around the place.. lepak and all.. i'll never forget those days.. one of the nicest parts in our training thus far. although, we had to live on the exercise area, those days were siuk berabis. i loved the freedom. i loved the laughters, i loved the bond between us.

and prior to the weekend, we had this exercise where we had the supporting real soljas. it wasnt easy, but we had times to mingle… it was fun and interesting. got to know the insides of their life.. same story, i'll never forget those days! good days good days, no matter how exhausting.

dan saya merasa amat gembira kerana difikir berumur 19 tahun! wahaha. kambang :p

more story on that, when they found my/our age. hehehe.

and im very happy that i did okay fr the final 'force march'. glad that i didnt give up. syukur that i didnt get injured. alhamdulillah. i did it all, just like everyone else :)

but now i have to go back kampong and spend my long weekend puasa sana :) lama sudah inda balik eh.

ramadhan kareem semua~

exGC

..who is she? he asked.

after what seems like 5 minutes, i answered "she is.. one of those people that i *might* die for" ..suddenly remembering she said once that she'd stand by my side no matter what; no matter when people go against me, no matter whether i did right or wrong -hating my mistake as she would, she'd still stand by me- .. remembering how she was always there for me, remembering how i'd spill my heart out to her, cry my tears, had some bitter arguments and back again like it never happened, remembering how i'd do the same for her.. running a mile because she needed me to, crying a river because she was hurt..

the way we wouldnt think twice to give a hand, the way we would sacrifice for each other not even realizing its a 'sacrifice', the way we suddenly become such a selfless person, not even realising we are selfless..

after so many times the word 'teamwork' had been vomitted on our face, suddenly it rings a bell in me after answering that question 'who is she?' -thats how we should feel for each other.. or at least 30% of what i feel towards that friendship that i have, if only we have 30% of it towards each other, we'd be superb.. and i mean all of us.. not only towards some selective people.. i think, i now understand what i should feel.. i might have given effort to work towards that so-called 'teamwork' but not with this kind of understanding.. (still hating the word teamwork tho :p)

havent been home for.. 3 weeks? apaa saja kami buat the past two weeks aaah? was it that challenge that my team had won? (yahoooohoho) and classrooms and yes, our exercise this week. that was… different and crazily sleepless…… we had three tasks rotation, only get to rest whenever ure not on guard (max 4 hours) and when ure not called (standby team) but thats only when we gottt lucky. merasai th ku tidur time bejalaan tu eh. haaha. i dont know if i was really sleeping.. tapi time kana cakap oleh dorang around me "jangan ko tidur eh", aku tekajut. its like tidur time bediri or tidur time driving.. yg skajap2 tpi tebangun.. aah ia udah tu, bjalan pun inda lagi tantu2, keliung2 kiri kanan.. thats how tired u could be..

the final exercise in that exercise was super FUN! thanks to the weather, otherwise mbari kapisan tuu. did the practices like 2 days last week.. 2 days plg tapi banyak kali prektis.. the first day was at 3pm under the hot memancar matahari.. i just stood there with my robocop suit, trying my best not to feel what i was feeling.. tapi punah musnah.. muntah ku banyak kali. and i was only STANDING inside the suit. the second day, i managed to go further (not only standing:p), i did the whole practice dari awal ke ujung.. tapi muntah jua lagi (haiya) however, the ptg session and practice hours before the real one and the real one, dgn bangganya saya mengatakan.. saya tidak muntah:p but anyway, SIUKKKKK!

overall, the exercise was different. im not sure how i did.. but i enjoyed it (sudahnya abisss atu:p) tapi time exercise, ia juanya ku merungut haha. but i was such a memorable one!

:)

it'll get tougher. i pray we all will be equally tougher. and together we excel.. rabbi yassir wala tu'assir ya kareem.. amin ya Allah..

rewardss

so.. its been a long time? well, it feels long and short..

didnt get to go home for 5 weeks.. it was definitely hard for me.. had a big jungle ex at the 5th week, and all i could think of was "i have to go back before jungle, otherwise i'd function like a zombie" but alhamdulillah, i could still go on (eceh) and did okay.. its been a hell of 5 weeks actually, damam lah, itu lah, ini lah, a huge visit, jungle, motivational exercises and all.. but... pain is temporary, now lupaku udah :p

BUT i was equally happy for the good parts of those weeks.. i did good, and at one point, i started to question "why everything falls in place? why is it so good? it scares me" until three days ago, i performed badly, and i couldnt believe how painful that feeling was. it hurt me, disappointed me. i guess, thats because i really like the "subject", ive always been marked as the best at it and the "teacher" kept on saying how impressive he thought i was but.. i got a very bad mark that day.. and i felt baaaad.. he even said "i am a bit disappointed. i thought u'd show off with ur skills" it hurt me to disappoint him actually haha.. and ofcourse, myself.

its funny when suddenly ure good at something, scoring very well at it, at first not even realising it because thats what u like to do, not intending to impress anyone or for the sake of scoring.. kira naturally iklas lah tu (wohaha, tpi bnar :p) but skalinya kana acknowledge that ure good then suddenly this kind of feeling or desire build up: the pressure is on, u wanna be that way saaaja, u wanna be number one.. its a good thing, wanting to be the best but.. am i happy? partly yes, partly pressure.. and once i fall, even just a bit, it hurt so badly.. and… i think i am happier time2 "iklas" atu.. sigh.. salah2..

anyway..

ya Allah.. luruskan niatku, kuatkan mental fizikalku.. iklaskan niatku.. amin ya Allah..

its been more than half the journey.. inda lagi batah abis.. inda terasa.. but im nervous, because all the exercises yg tinggal smuanya tough2.. hmm… ya Allah.. kuatkn aku.. amin ya Allah..

this week was a test week.. i passed all.. some very good, some average.. kelmarin was the toughest one, one of those physical test yg aku takut berabis.. nasib pass.. 1minute plus lagi kan fail.. im thankful to the instructors yg support aku jua that day, mun inda waaah, nauzubillah.. huhu..

alhamdulillah..

and its been a great experience the past 6 weeks.. im gonna remember those learning points.. and im gonna remember it as one of the best weeks, my highest moments at the school so far..

ani abis sakit badanku eeeh.. but syukur eh, kana bagi reward mulih.. hehehe

well.. see u? :)

uwawa

i wanna go home :(

make or break

so.. what did i learn today?

"command is the loneliest thing. it makes you or it breaks you"

this instructor is wise! i like him. or so i think.

and...

"make a decision. be it wrong, be it right. but make one decision" if its wrong, then dont repeat it. if it is right, then its ur win..

got a trial test for the 'remedial class' later..

got another 11kg 12.8km training tomorrow..

and.. our so called amazing race.

nyawaaa..

hehehe..

Rabbi.. yussahilni.. beri kami kekuatan mental dan fizikal.. amin ya Allah..

mambang tanah

so.. its been tiring lately. sakit badanku nuuu.. tidur pun inda cukup nuuu.. di malam 2 jam nganya nu.. but i like the little bit of freedom that is being given :)

had a bad day yesterday. didnt do the morning physical training well.. lately ive been having this sanak parut.. antah napakah, kurang coklet kali :p or my fitness sudah kurang lah.. yatah lately ive been stopping stgh jalan.. the difference is, yesterday i felt so frustrated and guilty i wanted to cry.. that was in the morning..

in the afternoon (extra class) training, i did worse. couldnt even pass my (straight consistent 2.4k pass-es) sakit parutku brabis tahap dewa dewi.. paling sanak th seumur idupku tu.. i couldnt even breathe properly.. but i didnt want to give up because i know giving up ends up hurting me inside.. tapiii when i reached the finishing line, it was so painful i cried.. i cried.. sigh..

my mood buruk buruk buruk..

and it was a wake up call.. my fitness, i need to be fit.. sakit nyamu inda fit ani (and yet it hurts too when people say -eh inda fit kau ani- and there you are, thinking u worked ur ass off to do all those difficult things..)

im a bit happy that i did better today. sakit parut pun inda sesakit kemarin.. and i was juussst a little happier.. hehehe..

and yesterday, i failed to be "proactive" - doing my task beautifully before kana tagih/mention.. kecewa saayaa kana kritik, kecewa saya seolah2nya saya mbawa org lain down.. hmmph..

andddd why am i being so surprisingly intimidated, scared and quiet when it comes to MY COURSE punya classes? that is supposed to be my opportunity to shine. tapi im afraid instead. sgala kunpiden abis beterabur. ceeehh.

okaaay lah. i need to read on my essay. ani mcm journal lah ni. heh.

i hope tomorrow's gonna be better. Amin ya Allah..

4 months and more..

went to the blog and surprised that the last one was in september. haha.

life has been different (ofcourse!) for the past (what 4 months?)...

lots to write..

.... (away. away. away)

now i see why we werent let go home that frequent. because the more u are out of the training environment, makin tia lalai.. its harder to leave home, and you are civilian-ated. he he he.

during the first weeks here, i was asked "if u go home, will u keep doing what ure doing here? like how emaculate ur room is now? or youre doing it just for the purpose of the training?"

i said "i doubt it. i think i'll only do it here"

err.. i think i am labelled as 'honest' here.. err.. err.. at least that is something positive ait? hehehe.

so.. coming to the next phase, when i went home, i was surprised to see that something is actually instilled in me.. i left my room (my new room) with my things ampai2 sana sini. i went back and actually memanyap2 barang2, hating to leave it bejurit.. and then thinking "eh.. that question.. he must be proud if he sees me thinking this way" hehehe.

same as menerikah baju.. menerikah kali ku sudah ah.. :p

have i changed? i dont know. some things must have changed.. but in general i am still the person i was 4 months ago. except more disciplined, more rajin, and more itu ini. hehehe (talk to the hand:p)

my friend, she met me for the first time after about 3 months.. she said, im still the same. (tapi itam lah hehe)

so anyway. im nervous for the senior term. pray for me.

see u?

hey hey there

went breakfast with 'my past-8-months-civi-life' on saturday.. its been ages since i met coach outside of the training camp.. and its been quite a while i havent met him inside the camp either..

when he arrived, he shook hands with other friends.. and stroke his hands roughly on my head.. i liked that moment, the way he did it felt like telling 'hey kid, how are u? i miss the old days. i am proud youre doing well', i felt like he cares. have always cared.

and like i said, i have a lot to be thankful for to him.. something i'll never forget. insyaAllah..

been having some classes.. and outside forum tadi..

homeworks..

sleepy ku!

this isnt goodbye

emm.. so everyone is leaving me. whatever it means..

tadi kan, i went for hat sizing. when we were done, my friend was called out, was asked if she is the doctor. at the same time another friend kejumpahan org yg ia kenal, from the same group of people who called out my doctor friend.  then since i was the only one who wasnt talked to at that time, one of them said "yang sorang ani apa? kau pelakon kah?" i was like.. errr apani? what does that even mean? what did i doooo? haha.

so i responded with "haha napa.. ada mcm usul2 pelakon aku ani kaaah?" he said yes, this malaysian pelakon. and he told his friends so. but not in a serious tone. serious joking-ish. so i didnt know what to feel or react. mostly, aku inda tantu rasa lah. i dont even know pelakon apa. is she pretty? is she not? haha. was he mocking me? or was he being genuine, casually pointing what he thinks? i better hope the pelakon is a nice oneeee! haha. (so that im at peace, not thinking he was mocking me or something. heh). well, no wonder he kept looking my way.. maybe he was thinking "eh macam pernah meliat bini2 ani.. di mana ah?" hmm. (sikit lagi ku prasan lah. haha). i dont think sudah ku dewasa2 ani aku pernah kana mention mcm muka pelakon/artis whatever. so yes, ofcourse he made me wonder.

i am not sure why my teachers are appearing on my facebook and asking what i am doing now. like they know im going away away soon. hehe. what was my update about that made them wonder what i am doing. but in any way, its amazing how teachers and students impacted each others' livess :)

tmrrow coach invites us to go breakfast.. im pretty sure its a goodbye..

isnt it sad..? huhu

went to shahbandar this morning.. but i have been excluded from activities since last wednesday.. pasal my shin, and pasal the insects bite that got my feet some infections and bangkak. i thought i'd be happy to be excluded but no, it disturbed me. worried me. and it didnt feel good at all, not doing what others were doing. huhu. i hope i wont go into any pain or trouble in the days to come..

Rabbi yassir wala tua'assir ya kareem.. rabbi tammim bil-khair.. amin ya Allah..

good night

just when i thought i'd spend my life catching my breath, skaaaali today was a half day! yohoho. i know i cant avoid this forever. my life is gonna be harder soon enough. but still, the half day means the world for me these days :p

so i went out having lunch with my friend. kononnya lunch. tapi pukul 930pm baru balik rumah.. haha.. pandai bejaur eeehh.. thats how i spent what means the world to me? thats how i spent my half day rest! haha. but she is a good company, so its worth it :D

i was bitten by some mysterious insects. didnt know i can be so allergic to them. so kakiku masani toingtoing infected lah cematu.. i hope they go away laju2.. plus.. its not easy to be a runner or sportsgirl whatever.. my shin and calf are painful again.. the pain is back now.. (shin spleen actually).. and its sooo frustrating. i'd rather do the thousands workouts, not escaping one than having shin spleen or any pain.. ya Allah.. mudahan tah lakas baik and inda malar sakit2 cemani ani.. amin amin..

last saturday, we went out breakfast with coach.. i took picture.. i always take picture when im with them.. so he said "eh, nanti u put my picture in ur room. so when u look at it, u'll be reminded to do a good run" i laughed and said "ofcourse! u put my picture too lah" they had a good laugh too, saying that coach will look at my picture and cross out the calendar, wondering or calculating that 'this girl ran today' - 'did this girl run today?' and when he and them said these, i was actually seeeedih.. touched.. im gonna have to leave them.. im gonna have to leave a lot of things.. 8 months were long. long enough to make me feel attached to a lot of names, faces, and things. long enough to have tired out my legs (ah, they shouldnt have waited this long. see, sekarang kaki aku sakit2? hehehe. insyaAllah ada hikmahnya.. mudahan dipermudahkan dan disembuhkan oleh Allah.. amin ya Allah)

im tireeed! esok pantai. but its another half day. yahuuuu.

good night!

calendar

so.. is it about time i cross out days on the calendar, or ticking them, noting "done"? haha.

waking up, feeling nervous, not knowing what to expect of the day? and at the end of the day, ticking the calendar, grateful and happy that i got thru it? ive been feeling a little bit that way. and i cant imagine brapa kali ganda kah rasanya cmani nanti. hmm.

its only monday, so i cant really say anything. but it seems like i feel a little less nervous this week than last week. still hating the 2.4 daily warm ups though! hmmmph.

my routine has changed, altho not drastically yet. but it has changed.. and its less predictable and comfortable now..

so its really time to take each day as it comes... just live the day and try to get thru it.

take each day as it comes..

today, my friend said something like 'what if youre chosen to go overseas to do this something?' i said no.. i dont wanna do it.. he then said 'i wont be surprised if kau kana antar'... eh. no, i have enough problems and shortcomings already. i dont think i want to handle that.. but it means something (or a lot) to have someone said that to me.. and coming from him whose approval seems a bit payah since he wants to go there also (err maybe he was just joking, bcause he knows i dont wanna go. but the part he said he wont be surprised if im chosen, wont be surprised if they picked me means something to me).. whatever he saw in me that made him said that.. i want to hold on to those words and make them my motivation, inspiration? something to make me believe in myself? some kind of.. hope? and faith? heheheh.

anyways my new tagline "u wanna lose me? u wanna lose me? fineeee!" :p

night night.

i know tmorrows not gonna be easy.

but i hope, i'll get thru the days beautifully.

ya Allah.. permudahkan lah urusanku.. berilah aku kekuatan.. semoga semuanya selamat dan berjalan lancar.. amin ya Allah..