names and faces...

every step we take we grow..

but now, every step i take feels like the last one..

i told you, lately ive been feeling a little sad.. hard to leave behind the life i have since the past 8 months.. i get too attached with the people in it.. the routine.. the freedom.. everything, everything that makes me comfortable and happy..

ive grown a lot since the past 6-7years.. this period (maybe) is the most important one in my life, since it makes me understand life and people, myself and the little things a little more.. but those 6-7years, i didnt spend them at home.. i travelled mostly.. and when i got home, for a month or two i got close to people i barely spent my time with.. ofcourse when im away again it didnt make much differences with those i really was close with, my late sister for instance, the more i grew up, the more i got closer to her.. and no matter how many days we didnt see or talk with each other, we just resumed our relationship like we just met the day before..

but with others, my other siblings, my other friends, and the kids especially.. when i was away, something in the relationship changes, when i got back, i have to spend certain amount of time to be able to feel whatever it was that those short one-two months made me feel, like the way i wanted to throw everything away bcause all i wanted was to be a good wife and mother (my nephew made me feel so), like the way my nephew cried so badly when i stepped on the aeroplane.. when i got back, he kind of forgot bits of it, and we needed to spend some time to be reminded of those days..

and now, im gonna miss the times when the kids cried because of/for me.. the times when they wanted me to put them to sleep.. the times when they slept with me.. im gonna miss the times when i get to say all yes-es to hangout times with friends.. miss the times when i am able to listen and talk all day.. ah and byk lagi.. its deeper than this..

and the past 8 months have been different because im staying at one place, having all the time and freedom in the world.. and.. getting to know people and world that is not familiar with me before.. spending time in a different way..

lately, something steals my sleep away from me.. i dont know what exactly but i havent been able to get sound sleep, not even nap.. i hope it goes away.. tonight!

today.. i felt a bit down.. ive just realised that i might have hurt someone's feelings today, and so have the past many weeks.. because ive been acting like a careless girl, saying and acting all i want... not thinking about others... ive been acting like, antah.. not that i dislike myself or or how ive been acting, but ive been careless and insensitive i think.. (and that, has to change tmorrow and the days to come.. heh)

today.. i finally answered "who is my guy" question - who is my favourite actor- its been brought up again in each breakfast.. and each time, i still said "let me get back to you" or "i dont know".. its like, when i answer, i dont really have an answer and when i answer, its not gonna be fair.. i wont be able to explain myself fairly and people wont really get it.. or appreciate it.. so whats the point? but i answered anyway..

sighing, i said "i think im more to a character kind of person, so the one i like depends on the movie. depends on the movie character.. i judge depending on the character, yatah once the movie is over, i tend to forget the actor, so nada lah yg ku bubut" my friend then asked "so what is your favourite movie?" i simply said "gladiator. i like his character. i like si gladiator a lot" another one said "so you like the acting skill lah. kau suka russel crowe punya acting skill as gladiator"

see.. people wont get it.

me: "no. i like si gladiator. the character of the movie. not russel crowe punya acting skill. maybe klw urg lain yg play si gladiator, i'd still like si gladiator.. but you know, applying gladiator's character into a real person, ia atu boring waah" my bini2 friend responded "complicated kau ani eh"

i nodded to that, and admitted "awu aku complicated..." hehehe! one of the boys said "i know someone who works in counselling....." haha! to which i responded with "no! kau rasa something wrong with me lah? tesinggung ku eh" :p i was just joking.. but.. i really wondered if he thinks there is something wrong with me.. hmm

and i continued my 'long answer' -- "but if u ask me who is hot, beckham is hot.. channing tatum... klw handsome, well, there are a lot of handsome people i cant even name one specific person" so the boy who said he has friend in the counselling said 'hmmph. jantah jauh kalau kan mencari urg handsome" haha. meaning to say, he said ia handsome. i know he is joking, ofcourse. i then gave names eventually, who i think are handsome when we talked about korean actors.. "lee minho.. won bin.." i dont know if they get it, if they get whatever i was saying, i might have just gave away how complicated i am.. but im thankful enough, they listened to  my long complicated answer.. and put up with the kind of person i am :D

but now, i think.. answering "my guy" as gladiator, makes it looks like i am this serious kind of person.. which is partly i am.. but im a bit crazy as well.. i should have mentioned my other favourite movies.. and i mean FAST AND FURIOUS!! i like the cop punya prinsip.. and i really like roman's craziness..

but whatever!

and ive been thinking too, meeting new people.. opening myself up to others.. there are times when i thought its 'not easy' to be a girl.. (bcause im someone who wont really let boys get close to me, except.. maybe.. this yearr?) and girls who are not used to boys punya sweetness can easily melt to kind treatments.. for instance, looking at the kind smile and eyes a boy has to offer.. and sweet acts, as simple as offering you umbrella to walk under it together.. the way they pay attention to whatever u said.. (well, kalau aku, i naturally like people who pay attention to the things i do and say, regardless of the gender.. hehe)... the way they ask things as if they're interested in whatever u have to say.. im lucky (or cursed) that i have huge walls around me, so usually i let these things passed me.. but still, i would say, naturally girls slalunya feel something when boys treat them sweetly and kindly.. how deep, depends on the kind of girl and her social circle lah.. but to make it worse, kadangnya girls feel labih2, and the boys inda pun sadar what they are doing to the girls.. they didnt even mean to make them feel something more.. in conclusion, girls have fragile heart and they read into things too much.. the combination of both is not that good.. (ah except in some cases lah ah, its a beautiful thing actually. hehe)

so thats my assessment lah for today. haha.

hmm. i hope, i'll behave better tmrrow. feel better, do better, respect better. smua better. hehe.