if it matters..

this isnt right. im gonna have to stop this.. stop whatever it is thats taking the peace away from me..

anywaysss..

today dua kali aku ketaguran.. in the morning, aku datang mcm biasa lah ah.. there was this one penjaga gym.. he is friendly, slaaalu senyum and baaaik mukanya.. this morning, ia tagur aku pakai selipar.. boss marah katanya klw kedapatan pakai selipar.. (ofcourse, its not a formal outfit..) none taken, i openly terima tegurannya.. then time ku workout, the other penjaga gym tagur lagi "mana tualamu?" i said.. "nada..."

him: "berapa kali sudah kau ke gym ani?"
me: "3.. maybe 4.."

but maybe he didnt hear that

"berapa kali sudah kau ke mari?"

me: "4 kali"

him: "kenapa inda bawa tuala? lain kali bawa tuala. boss marah tu klw ia teliat urg inda bawa tuala"

me: "okay" smiling. tpi aku terasa sdikit. bila jua kana tagur ani inda mbagi terasa hehehe. but they did it in such a gentleman way, so im okay with it.

pasal... kalau inda bawa tuala, gym kamah and bebau ulih paluh.. i know.. tapi inda jua ku bawa tuala.. hehehe..

and i bet they digged out my background, so maybe it isnt right to behave like im not one of them..

so, when i did a workout lagi, coach lagi yg betanya pasal tuala. so i told him what the penjaga gym cakap arahku tadi.. kana peibunkan lah ku ulih coach.. but lastly i said "on friday, u buy me a towel ah?"

he said.. "yea, i will. as a gift for dotdot" (i couldnt hear the last part. but i think he just left his words hanging there, until 'gift for')

after several times, this time he sounded like he meant it. i dont know why, but i was so happy to hear that. "really? really?" like a child, i pasted a huge smile on me. more to a grin maybe. and walked - or were those tiny excited leaps?- happily, like a child would react..

i dont know if he really would buy me tuala gym.. or like always, he was just.. teasing, joking.. pasal awal2 atu pun ia beibun kan mbalikan towel (after i asked, ofcourse. heh)..

and there i was, happy macam kana promise balikan ferrari saja..

its just.. its the little things that people tend to appreciate.. like meaningful gifts from someone who means a lot to your life (or at least to a certain period in your life).. moreover, youre gonna leave them slash theyre gonna leave you..

emm.

on the other note.. i have this male friend.. i didnt know what to say to him.. the silence was almost awkward.. i mean, sometimes klw bedua saja ani plg payah kn bcakap.. depends on siapa dgn tani lah.. and depends on how long u know each other.. or how ur chemistry is.. the other day, we talked about books, and truth be told, i didnt enjoy that.. it felt 'forced', to fill the empty spaces and silences.. and hari lain lagi, our conversation was smoother.. i asked about him.. and knowing the depth of a person (their story, their way of thinking), makes u feel closer.. so that day i went back home thinking 'it was a nice conversation that we had'..  example of conversation that i like was one that i had with this stranger on the parking lot the other day.. we just clicked, and he knew how to keep the conversation flows.. he was sweet as well (as a stranger).. and i like how my former workout partner could easily just keep awkwardness away from our days.. seh.. today, i met this male friend again and i didnt know what to say.. so i asked him a question that led us to... other topics. told him i have regrets.. he asked "if u could turn back the time, what would u do then?" i couldnt answer him. because the first thing that came to my mind, i would still do the same.. make the same decision.. go thru the same things.. but then, that means im not regretting anything.. it means.. its just.. fears, isnt it?

me: "i dont know. i.. its hard to explain. entah lah"

him: "alaaa. apaaa?" he moved a seat closer. "aku mau tauuu"

eh man, tips, tips: dont do that. expressing interest and displaying that kind of attention (like u mean it) to what ladies have to say could sway them u know? haha. but i have good walls, lucky or cursed. still, he made me pause and think i could have been swayed by little things like that..

me: "i dont know. i dont know how to explain" so he asked about it. i told him things. maybe rambled.. a lot. im sure he didnt get it. im sure, and it somehow disappoints me. not bcause he didnt get it, but because i couldnt explain myself. for how complicated i am.

(i act and say what i want.. but these days its taking on me. these days, i fear of being judged. both in a good and bad way.. i dont know why exactly..)

but then again, to think of it.. is it really regrets that i have? or is it just.. fears? i dont know.

he finally said "you will be fine"

in that short conversation, when he told me what he thinks about his life.. i told him that "maybe youre the 'just do it' kind of person" the kind that takes each day as it comes..

him: "ya. i guess so. dulu aku ani jenisnya pengusut. tapi sasak urg wah arahku. aku pun jadi stress jua cematu atu.. so slowly i change.."

me: "meaning to say, u grow up?"

him: a light laughter. "kau ani ah" and animatedly did some kind of air-invisible tendangan maut. i dont know in what ways he felt something of shyness when i said 'u grow up'.. i was being serious. i wasnt joking. maybe he thought i was. haha.

but when i said, part of my regrets was because my priorities changed.. he said "so u grow up too.." then i know why he reacted the way he did when i mentioned he grows up. rupanya mbagi malu kalau kana komen catu atu, i mean.. when the person who commented was being serious. its like they cast some kind of judgment.. half judgment-half compliment on you.. haha.


okay laaah. begitu lah saja assessment saya. makasih.


"try not to resist the changes that come your way. instead let life live through you. and do not worry that your life is turning upside down. how do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?" -rumi

right.. fair enough. hehehe.

some more note: i think.. people do change.. but sometimes, its not that they really change much, maybe we just didnt know them that well before..