one slippery... vomit

that day.. i slipped on a football field. didnt hurt but it was embarassing.. this morning, i was back there after 2-3weeks only to realise that i'd rather slip,fall, trip over a million times over and be laughed at than... than... let those people who invested a lot in me (be it time, faith, hope, feelings, love, materials, etc.. especially faith, time and love!) down.. bcause it hurt.. it hurt me letting them down..

specifically, i let coach down. and therefore myself. i knew it. i knew something would go wrong. i kept thinking to myself, i couldnt be this excited. ive been telling people at home how excited i am fr today. how i wanted to run. to go back to the "slippery" area, to meet the new people. and even wrote earlier here that i was excited. the excitement was... not supposed to be like that. its impossible to be this excited without something bad happening. yesterday i wondered if i would eat something terrible and get a stomachache the next day and hence not able to come to training. i thought about my foot. it could be my foot. it'd hurt and i wouldnt be able to run. or car (but na'uzubillah) and i wouldnt be able to come at 630am. but nothing happened as of that time. i arrived safely. told myself, i was..... imagining too much.

arrived there and saw the young people have come. oh. so earlier than 630 i see? did our warm ups separately. i did my 800m. and was introduced as "special guest. bakas scholar". gave my crappy speech. some of those things i said, i didnt believe it myself, but the mini boss asked me to say it.... couldnt think of being more creative and ignored what she wanted bcause i was nervous and there wasnt much time.. so it was crappy, being nervous and saying things that u quite disagree.. then coach boasted about me. that i couldnt run but now i can. and all those things.... he asked us to run a 2.4k (asked me to run with them...) i doubted myself. "this was crazy"-thoughts slipped in. i think i could feel the pressure.... okay lah, i ran.. and i could potong most people.. including some boys. taaapii antah, i felt so panas.. so panas i could vomit.. (blame the attire. NO! haha). the football team were also there, watching. and ive been cheered at by the coach and a friend. "go my-name" several times. "come on" and everytime they cheered, i said "tired" or put my thumbs down. i think i wasnt kidding i was tired. i felt so panas. and by the 4th lap, no sign, nothing, no buekkk bueekk vomit intro, i just... vomitted!!! i vomitted infront of those football players, infront of the scholars, infront of coach (if they realised i vomitted! looked like i was just spitting  *eh bida bini2 beludah haha* but im sure some people knew i vomitted laah. very sure), parutku ani sakit th jua.. kan muntah jua, kan beria jua.. so i didnt continue.. i turned back and coach said "hey run run run" (he didnt see me muntah i think, was turning his back) but no, i couldnt run. so i signalled him my stomach. and my mouth. went to toilet.

when im done, aku senyum2. and coach asked, "what happened?" i said... "i vomitted there" -showing where i vomitted- "then i went to toilet, no more vomitting. i just pooped" sometimes im crazy like that, no sopan, im rude. they laughed. (maybe thinking she's stupid. she's rude. but whatever). i never vomitted before in our training! once yes, masa belari naik tangga, but i didnt vomit publicly. and that was understandable psal panas and come on, its speedy tangga. ani cuaca inda lah panas mana, and its a flat land.. and if vomit had to happen to me, why did it have to be todaaaaaayyyyy?

i said to him.. "so.. okay?" he replied "what okay? no its not okay. u stopped.. and what did i tell them? i told them youre good and everything. im mati already.." i grinned. what he said didnt hurt me. what hurt me was the fact i disappointed him. and.... baik lagi terabah eh dari muntah dapan urg ramai! hehe.

when we were all done, dorang yg budak2 itu pun balik... i said to him "so... ure angry?" he said "ofcourse im angry" although he said that while smiling. i think he was disappointed. not angry, but disappointed. he told me that as a punishment, he'll make me run another 2.4k.. (tapi abis atu kmi cerita2, cerita yg started with me asking "do you believe in ghost?") lapas atu panjaang ceritanya. bila ia cakap "eh now go, run 2.4" i said to him "are u actually serious?" bcause he didnt seem to be serious. then continued cerita2 lagi. lapas atu balikk... haha. aku pun selamat :p

tmorrow, we'll do another training with the kids (call em kids just bcause im 6-8yrs older. heh. ive become one of those people who call younger people as kids. aha).. i said to him... "are u sure u want me to come?" -- "i'll embarrass you coach" and i meant to say i dont wanna disappoint u... he said, yes, come.. tmorrow no running, so come.. ah still, im good at it, at disappointing you... or other people.. so, im scared..

and yes, im bad at this physical fitness.. so im scared.. (not excited now, scared! pressured!)

similar thing happened when i was in secondary years, pom 4 tu.. i failed my A-MATHS.. that was my first major paper that i ever failed. pernah fail, tpi test or paper one kah tu saja, not combination of a total mark. so i failed... but i wasnt disappointed for myself, i was disappointed bcause i saw how hurt the teacher was.. how disappointed she was... tpi awu lah, kecewa lah jua aku first time fail.. but so much lesser than what i felt psal that teacher..

anyway, malasku lgi kan kambang2an, expecting too much and all that. haha. ani pun, the way i feel is not good.. if im pressured, i wont do good.. huuuhh.

sigh.

i acted like i was okay, laughed. listened attentively. talked cheerly. but i think i was just trying to bury whatever it was that i felt: i was hurt... and disappointed... (and ofcourse, MALU. haha)

i drove my car with that blank stare, lost eyes. thats not good. silap2 ari, utak melayang abis and we dont know where we are going.. i had to pick my nephews and antar them to school. i had to make sure theyre safe and feel safe. so i had to fight my blank stare. hehe

hmm. masih sakit parutku ni. and kepala also. im not blaming that my parut is not good today, i know its bcause i was exhausted and panas... (and that implies, no hope, im no good.. im still.. weak at this)

nevertheless tmorrow im going to start my day with them, at 6am. will jalan at 545am.. insyaAllah..

hopefully everything is gonna be okay.. amin ya Allah

*when i told my friend of my story, she said "cute jua ko sama coach ani" -i think the way he boasted about me and thought how mati he was bcause of that, and the way i asked if he is angry. my friend knows the coach. kmi pernah training sama2- and i thought... KIUT RUPANYA. no. haha

moral of the story is that... it hurt to hurt others.. especially those who did so much for you, or those u care for, or those who care for you.. (not that i care fr coach, i care for what he did to me and what i did fr myself)

and.. when a bad thing happened, we feel like its the worst thing in the world, and we are at the lowest point human could be... but we didnt realise that worse things could have happened and we should be thankful that our problem is only that "bad".. and when we look around, other people experience even worse things and we dont even think about it, not even realising it.. yatah bilanya ku terabah and malu, rupanya alum lgi mbari malu tu.. inda pun ada hurt yg kejiwa.. skali when worse things happened, like today, i knew i should have been thankful that it was only "terabah", when something like today happened, i'd wish aku trabah one million times over than muntaah and disappoint my coach.. but all in all, there is a lesson to everything.. and im thankful for today. alhamdulillah ala kulli hal..