little little thing

highlight of the day? im not sure which one..

left my bottle of water at home and went back to get it bcause i couldnt think of anything better.. (if we are facebook friends, u knew this) seemed ridiculous to some, but didnt the ridicuolusness (entah apakah nounnya) tell you a lot of things? bcause it said a lot to me.. not only the one i mentioned on facebook.. u think to urselves laah; different minds work differently..

and i was late for the exercise, but the coach was in a good mood - ha ha. eh wlwpun good mood, aku waah sendiri2 rasa besalah, bcause yesterday i said i could come at 715 and when that friend's husband said he would only make it at 730 bcause he had to send off his pregnant wife first, the coach said "eh send her early tomorrow" but i snapped, backing him up "eh sir ani.. gentleman baah" macam banar kan aku, skali arah log attendance atu, ku liat he came at 720, i came at 749.. moleknya saya.. haha..

he made me do stuff i hated but.. antah, bukan jua inda siksa, tapi... maybe i was in the mood of embracing whatever weaknesses i have, and did it within my means - as opposed to not wanting to do it at all. he was happy i could carry the backpack (his smile, the way he asked me.. i knew he thought i couldnt. hmmph) said "if you could carry this, u could carry the real backpack.. blabla.. the only thing im not sure yet is the distance" - i knew its gonna be more difficult once im in, but... at least i could see hopes.. deeeee.. haa!

this monday, my schoolmate-to-be will be starting their (our) training with the coach.. pressured, yes i am.. but most of all, its like... sedih tah ku nah, to leave my current "exclusivity" to the facility, to the coach, and leaving my training mates (eseh, tpi baanaarrr.. hehe).. im no longer gonna be "the only one, the special one" ahaaa..

the future schoolmates or any other random people might think that bcause i have had the training for about a month now, im gonna be a step ahead of everybody but they missed seeing that im simply trying to catch up with them.. (theyre fast, theyre good, they want this badly, so yeah.. theyre good)

the coach said to me "on monday, i want you to be in front" -referring to running, wanting me to finish first. he smiled his sheepish smile, the one i knew was half teasing, half true.. he wanted me to be the top, like the other girls he had trained previously but we both know how im doing with running and all this physical stuff.. and ive stopped comparing myself with them too (which set me a lot free-er than before, lifted some pressures off my shoulders, my goal now is just to.. survive and do my best - if my best is not up to their best, then its okay.. i can live with that, at least i tried..) and he was smart enough to say it while i was doing my exercise; i couldnt reply verbally. only with my (also sheepish) rolling eyes and smile.. i told him already the current fastest record of the female, and he knew the kind of person i am (ha ha) and my.... fitness level. hai coach, no pressure, im just simply trying to get through, to survive, trying to be alive and well.. :p

ah, at least i know that i still have that "exclusivity" somewhere - that i have someone cheering on my back, having the slightest hope (delusion) that im gonna be the best! though he may find his favourite soon, but still.. whatever progress and improvement i make, im part of his work, and i hope.. im gonna make him proud, in some-whatever-ways it could be..

but im sure gonna give him this: im gonna try my best not to give up. thats the closest thing to a promise i can give. and the best thing i could give for now is.. trying not to be the last one. haha. but i cant be sure on that though :p anyways, im gonna dedicate my "first pass" to him, remember? that should make him happy enough.. haha

ps: incase youre wondering he is in uniform or not - he isnt. incase youre wondering he is a malay and a local or not - he isnt. young? not really lah..

tomorrow, im gonna start my day at 630am (maka aku sesungguhnya sangat berazam kuat untuk awal datang, demi menebus kesalahan hari ini. YAY!) and at 830am, i have a "date" with the officemates (im supposed to go in only at 1030am plg bnrnya) but the boss wanted a gathering, specially for me:p, wanted to have a doa selamat - bcause im gonna leave the office, tmorrows gonna be my last day... and they wanted to give their best wishes and prayers for me upon going into the... school. it scared me a little (to have to think that the school must have been a very scary place that theyre having their best wishes for me.. heheh) and it made me sad too, it feels like a goodbye.. but most of all, theyre so kind.. saya hanya seorang manusia yg menumpang attachment, and ive been so "far" away from them.. i havent offered them any kindness.. i havent been friendly either (ani bnar ni).. i the kind of person who is pretty sensitive to (genuine) kindness (the kind that i feel like... reach me inside.. hehe).. so yeah, im allergic to kindness for it might touch me deeply :p

meaning.. i have an hour and a half with the coach and the training mates.. i wont get to spend much time with them.. its not gonna be a good goodbye... but.. i suppose its okay.. sad a bit (i dont know them well and ive spent less than two weeks with them.. but we've seen each other's exhausted faces, shaking heads and smiling, laughing  at our FUNNY tasks.. its like we're the best person to understand each other's struggle.. so.. half sad lah.. hehe)

ah so much little thing ive noticed in my daily basis lately, but i just couldnt write it all.. i just wrote those that are in the top of my lung, tip of my tounge, those that occupy my mind the most... eeececeh..