in your head~ in your head~

today... i think.. i am.. happy. but im kind of scared to admit it out loud, because whenever i am happy, the next day, i'd probably be super down! tapi hopefully esuk2 lusa and seterusnya, i'll feel good.. hehe.. (amin ya Allah)

went to this mini stad in one of the camps -the boys nest- haha.. well, there were 2 other women tadi, under a different coach.. but u see, there were some other 20plus male or more.. coach made me run on the football field, without wearing my shoes, where some two football teams were doing their training, where some dozen others were doing training on the track. but it wasnt embarassing or awkward or anything, because i wasnt alone. he watched me and i ran with this other new man under the coach - he is my friend's husband. the other two men were assigned with a different task. klw ku kana suruh buat the task on my own (coach pun nada), i just couldnt do it with that much crowd around.. hehe..

ive never talked to this friend's husband. i attended their wedding, i met him somewhere around.. but i dont think he knew me. this friend, we werent that close.. we never shared any intimate stories or inner struggles or anything.. little do we know about each other.. i dont even know how exactly they both met each other.. but we are friends..

the first 5 laps, he asked us to run on the longer side of the rectangle field and jogged on the shorter one. i asked the friend's husband to start first. aha~ for the first 2 laps, i wasnt that far behind him.. which said that i was doing okay.. skali by the 4th lap, the coach started to give me signals -run!

and the 5th one - he clapped his hands, whistelled me (tpi whistel mulut lah, yg anuu mcm pkai mempewit urg atu) and shouted: RUN RUN RUN! apparently i used the same speed, all the same speed.. nada lagi such thing as "run" haha..

when i am done, i think he was angry "why u didnt run? i said run. but u jogged jogged jogged, all the same speed?!"

me: "tired wah sir" (pkirnya inda mengalih kali....)

coach: "ofcourse tired. if not tired, i wouldnt ask you to run" (as in, if not tiring, then its like walking. no need training)

i knew he was angry. but his anger wasnt the kind that is terrifying -am thankful for that. haha- and im glad he shouted and got angry, because then i knew where i went wrong, i knew he watched, i knew he cared. i knew he wanted me to improve..

then he looked at THE husband, saying "u did okay.. just put up your knees a bit higher, and swing your hands.."

i think.. i was a bit angry, a bit frustrated. with myself. with the coach, but the kind of frustration that said: didnt u see it was tiring? that i tried but it made me exhausted?

so for the second 5laps... i ran and... jogged. then the 3rd lap, i ran and walked.. hahah. but surprisingly i didnt do bad, because the husband got very tired and.... stopped at that 3rd lap and having finished the 4th, he didnt continue.. (but to his credit, he just started last week and he got some issues with his legs)

the coach didnt get angry again, and i felt like i redeemed myself. i think it just showed him, indaku eksen bah it was tiring.. haha.. and well.. i, made an effort.. right? hehe

while we were doing another task, came these marathon boys.. ada this one (i knew he was good at running.. because he managed to wave his hand happily, saying hi at me while running up a hill the other day.. it was his antah ke berapa lap, but he did it easily.. aku atu mcm kn putus napas udah rasanya).. so he was asked to run out of the camp to the highway to the beach and from the beach up to the camp again.. 18k kali totalnya and running on the beach is not easy kaliah... he did it in 49mins.. kepingsan haldalnya ini org.. when the coach said to one of them "tmorrow u run ah in the morning" - he replied "bah, mau eh" astagaaa.. haha.. its in their blood, they feed on it, they love it.. seronoknya... that they love those sports..

i got to talk with the husband more.. its a wonder why i wasnt awkward (psal ia married lah kali..heheh).. he seemed like this soft spoken guy.. but at one time he gave me what should have been an order, given im in uniform.. but im still not, so i took it lightly. then the more i talked to him, the more i noticed that he has this kind of rebel or anger inside.. i dont know if i misread.. but its amazing how he opened up to me - telling his story. but thats maybe because i was equally open to him. or maybe bcause its just a story that he would tell everybody.. but i appreciate that honesty, i would appreciate honesty from anyone (just so u wont misunderstand me.. laki kawanku okeh.. i dont fancy laki org okeh.. haha)

what i like about the people im training with at the moment is that theyre not the kind who would pretend to be "perfect", not the kind who would sell pitches to others, -pitches of empty words, trying to explain, convince, impress how good they are, not the kind who would pretend that its not difficult, the kind who would admit to their weaknesses, who would say, jokingly "just show ur tired face, he wont force" - who dont care about being the good one, but even when they said that.. i somehow knew they gave their best, i knew they tried.. i knew they said that out of exhaustion, but they did what were asked to do..

i hope im doing the same - that i tried..

today the coach was encouraging, though was angry at first. not enough with having issues, i have a problem with my knee.. i didnt run the right way. so i said "if the knees are okay, then i can run faster lah sir.." and he said "no, ure okay. u can run already" and that husband said "its just you who thinks you cant get fit.. but u see, everyday the coach asks us more and more difficult things.." - he made a point there and i appreaciate both comments.. and he told me not to dwell on the past, nasi udah jadi bubur janya.. which is so true.. its enough for me to second guess myself- i dont need others to mirror my thought and make me believe its real, so whatever encouragement given, out of empathy or truth, i really appreciate those..

someone said "ni krajanya coach ani menyiksa urg" and everytime i heard people say that, they said it in a fond way.. they didnt hate him.. its like, we would describe him as menyiksa urg but we are thankful for it...

if i ever pass the required time.. i would dedicate my first pass to the coach! haha :) and i will let him know, insyaAllah.. :) if if if, i ever pass~ :p or if not, whatever best time i got, its for you coach! (waah he should appreciate that dedication:p and well, for coach and also for myself laah..)

this ptg, he asked us to rest. which im so grateful for. but imagine if i cheated heavily, not doing the after office hrs run -  i would feel nothing for today's break, because i'd feel like its just another same day like usual.. but today, the break taught me to be thankful..

and the thing about pain, physical pain, or any struggle of this kind - the next day, u forgot how difficult exactly it was.. (aii tpi masih sakit badanku ah.. heh.. but u know what i mean...)

the thing to remember is.. we cant compare ourself to others.. our battle is with ourself :)