coach

because im going home early tomorrow, its gonna be a long weekend (yay to long weekend) with no internet, so i might as well write things up..

tapinya versi copy paste nyanta eh.. mna siuk ni.. hhehe:

"To me, words are (one of) or perhaps the most powerful (fana) thing..

It could change a person -for the better, for the worse-, could break, could build, could change the world.. could do million other things..

If only everyone was saying what he had been saying to me, I would be turned into a believer..

Thank you, thank you for saying the things you said.. made me wanna believe in a lot of things..

You know well how the mind works, words play an important shadow there..

Me, being this swayed.. had always been swayed for a long time is very sensitive to discouraging signs, words, everything that is discouraging.. it breaks me easily..

But then again, I will always encounter people who would discourage me, and I could equally stumble upon some bunch others -few as they might be- who would make me believe, in me, in fate, in possibilities, in a lot of things..

Some words reached me further than others.. those that come from the ones who I feel like truly understand me and truly see my situation are the most precious..

I think the coach knows my situation well, he had known me for a while now (since last year laah), had been watching me, had seen reports about me kali.. stupidly I had been asking him to write a statement, a report that says I cant do this, that he'd push me out of this.. (because i know he has the power to! whatever he say about me will be heard by the biggest boss, i know!) .... he asked me of my reasons, and I told him… but he shook his head, saying: no, I wont do that if those are your reasons..

"but u know it well sir, im physically unfit for this..they shouldnt have picked me.." he knows what I meant and I explained further to him how I failed the test.. how I could not do some things.. and all the things that some people kept telling me..

this was the second time I mentioned to him about my issue..

at one point, i went overboard, a bit "then what.. are you waiting fr me to get some fractures, injuries? and then write a report?" - tapi versi sheepish lah.. pikir kamu, aku brani kali kasar2yg kasar serius ani... hehehe..

but he told me the same thing again "I told you, don’t worry about it.. you can do this.. blablabla (giving some examples and motivations).. we will train you, we can fix that" - I don’t believe it fully yet, but that’s the only thing that I have, the only thing  I can hold on to at the moment.. and this made me more positive, maybe happier.. this should be enough for now..

he said some more things that I doubt, but still.. that’s the most believable I could hold on to so far..

"physically, we can help. But mentally, it depends on you" - with his not-so-serious-smile.

He wanted to cure my mental, that’s why he said not to worry about my "situation", because if I worry about it, that’s gonna poison my mind.. that’s the only thing that I'll think of whenever im doing physical fitness and for sure, my mental will never get stronger… at this stage, my (usually strong mind in other things) is seriously poisoned.. 

the problem about my mental strength is.. i know the switches very well.. in other areas, people said even worse things to me, but i believed i could.. psal master pun aritu sama jua some people doubt me.. but i know i could do those things, i just had that feeling, i didnt have much doubts.. but this time around, aaaaah nadada... i just cant feel it, cant have that much faith in myself..nothing..its empty and sad..

This is a very tough challenge fr me, having this issue, I will have to struggle so much more than others..  (and that does not seem fair… but… aah)

I really have to get out of my mindset.. haiyaa..

What if, whatever I can do now is the result of my full mental strength already? Where more can I find the strength in the future, to get thru the tougher days? And people will be saying I am not using the strength well enough?

Aah. Maybe there is no such thing as maximum strength, I will always find it in me.. I hope..

Everytime I do the training with the coach, I don’t really take him seriously.. (maksudku, ia atu mcm nada perasaan bh.. ia th aku pn malas ingau.. hehe.. bkn plg ia jahat, tpi mcm inda peingau wh..) he didn’t seem to really care about me or whoever he trains.. (its just the way he suruh2 buat itu ini, mcm inda seriously want us to improve bh, but mostly yg ia train ani bagus2 jadinya.. I don’t know how - well, except me lh:p)

So I didn’t expect him to actually give me all the motivating words.. didn’t expect that he'd be the one who would doubt me less.. though he doesn’t really seem to understand my inner struggle, but he would be the closest to understand..

He could turn anyone into anything, if he had been saying what he said to me to others (aah cmatu kali ia mentrain urg lain ah.. that’s why they usually do well.. ahaxxxx) but most importantly its because they did what he had asked them to do (aku ani cheat2 masih ani) and because they wanted it badly.. so bad they would do anything for it.. or bcause theyre enjoying wwhat theyre doing - both things that I don’t have… yet……

Whenever he gave me words of motivation, he never failed to include the previous people he had trained (mostly related to me lah, esp the juniors and those yg logically could be compared to my situation).. and I would see his tiny-almost-invisible smile, his eyes lighted up everytime he talked about them.. I could see how proud he was of them, of what he had done.. and so, because he made me wanted to believe in myself.. today was the first time I found some kind of "inspiration" to keep me going: I wanna make him no less proud, of me. I want other people to see how I beat their odds, I wanna prove otherwise of their expectations..  (wlwpun masih inda strong lah yg inspiration "I wanna prove otherwise ani… but still, today was a start, I hope?)

So thank you coach, fr the things u said. Meant a lot to me.. walaupun balumku caya fully, but I wanted to and I am starting to.. help me, help me feel what u made me felt today.. :)"

atu kmarin tu ah.. arini ia inda as encouraging as yesterday.. inda encouraging langsung pun.. sasakku plg.. haha... but he was helpful lah.. antah lah.. i think my problem is, wanting to do so much than i could.. and when i couldnt do what is expected, i gave up (mcm the way i didnt complete the task).. ideally, i should have completed the task, no matter how slow.. ani meliat saja timingnya atu fail, nda th ku mengabiskan.. hish.. effort matters.. i should be focusing on that for the time being.. give my best, no matter how slow, do whatever i can do now.. blablablablabla.. tidur th kalieh.. hehe