fate and faith, amin ya Allah..

life works in a mysterious way.. but if its all black and white, where is the fun then?

fate... is not easy to figure out, often tests our faith..

there are times when i'd go to sleep thinking why things are the way they are..

there were times in my life where things went in the most unexpected ways and all i could arrive to is... "fate", we cant escape fate..

fate... is something beautiful, if only we could really see it..

looking back, when i was 8, my brother told me that children' prayers are the easiest to be granted, i didnt have the slightest doubt.. he asked me to pray fr something.. he said, pray that you will study in mesir when u grow up... that was one of my doas..

when i was 17.. i had my difficulty to decide what i wanted to do in life.. i didnt know what i liked, what i wanted, what i needed.. went to arabic school and decided i couldnt take double streams anymore.. went to MD only to feel something was missing, only to find out that i was happier in the arabic surrounding, that i would rather do both streams..

so i went back.. in upper six, i didnt get the result that i wanted.. it didnt qualify me to get any scholarship that was offered at the time - all i wanted was to study overseas..

and then some "miracles" happened.. a few weeks later, i got a phone call.. there was this new scholarship introduced.. we were the first intake from the arabic school.. my result qualified me (bcause the scholarship looked into each unit of subject, not looking at the accumulative grade).. so i tried..

i did bad in the test.. i failed in a lot of things.. i was and am not even mencukupi syarat to join the military (little did i understand about that at the time) but i am quite sure i did well in the interviews.. :p

i remember praying, if thats the best fr me, then let me in.. if not, then let me out of it..

i got in.. out of the many other applicants, out of those who got in, im pretty sure they could have picked someone else, it didnt need to be me, im pretty sure it wouldnt have made much difference if i wasnt one of those who got in..

but i got in.. i got in... i... got in....  there must be reasons..

at that time, mesir was not my interest.. didnt want to go there.. wanted to do something else, in another country.. but after a lot of thoughts and all, last2nya ke sana ku jua.. that was when the 8 year old me flash backs came in.. banyak udah bengkang bengkok jalanku utk sampai ke mesir atu.. moved to MD, got a supposedly inda cukup result to get a scholarship but came the new offer, the new scholarship.. and somehow dragged into going to mesir.. thats what i called "fate", i was meant to study in mesir, and there i was for 4 yrs..

and now, if those things did not happen, today wont be the way it is now.. its just.. takdir, as hard it is to figure out, there must be beautiful reasons why Allah puts us there..

but im just... i should not doubt his fate, not even a little.. He puts me where i am because He knows everything... but i am just... broken, broken easily..

for every difficult thing in my life, there was not once i felt that i couldnt do it.. payah cana pun, i had the slightest feeling that somehow i would be able to do it.. but now, this is the only thing that i feel like i cant, and there is just no way i ever could..

payah juaku ni ada mindset cani ani.. lorrr eh..

but all in all, i should not doubt fate.. for every unlikely things to happen (actually unlikely or likely, sama saja) but if its yg spatutnya atau kebiasaannya inda terjadi tapi terjadi, ada tah sebabnya knapa tu... strong reason perhaps..

things happened dgn izinNya.. as simple as tani dapat mengalipkan mata pn dgn izinNya, klw Allah inda izin, mengalip mata pn tani inda dapat..

He has the power to make anything possible, then why doubt Him? :) He knows i can take this, he knows i can do this, for he wont burden people with what they couldnt carry, when why should i doubt myself?

i questioned why they picked me 6yrs ago, i questioned why they did it in the "wrong way", i questioned why they couldnt write up a statement fr me.. just like how mesir happened to me, this must be the same...

"... but if its yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee"

skali, buat th inggan2nya.. releks saja yo.. if sampai sana saja, then thats it.. "if something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way"

ya Allah, kuatkan imanku kepadaMu, kepada takdirMu.. tanamkan dalam hatiku sepenuh kepercayaan padaMu... jangan biarkan aku ragu walau sebesar zarah ya Allah... amin ya rabbi, amin ya Allah..