hati banyaak haru

wanted to write here, but i havent had that much time :( ada plg masa eh, tapi writing here consumes at least half hour kali.. and... i used that half hr fr something else

anyway. i had trouble, i told you that. it was bad. i felt bad. kan becerita, tkutku kdapatan blogku ani ulih urg yg inda spatutnya.. haha.. but in picture kabur, u remember my assignment that day.. that day i told you "trust me i am still in my right mind. trust me because i need to trust myself. i wont be stupid enough to ruin myself.. blablabla" -thats the start of everything. i lied, i ruined myself, but ofcourse i didnt realise... and i went through a bitter phase, some bitter weeks.. weeks full of hatred.. full of bitterness.. i was hurt badly.. i am not really sure how... is it me hurting myself? or was it them?

u know, when someone said "sabar, ada hikmahnya tu" -bnar, ive always believed in that too. alhamdulillah balumku ke tahap against takdir.. regrets, maybe. questioning myself of my choices, slalu.  wondering jalan cerita and hikmah, sure. reflecting choices, events, journeys, cant escape that. but above all, alhamdulillah element redha masih ada. but.. at some point, honestly, that phrase cannot bring serenity to me.. its like, yes i know but im not seeing it now yatah balum mau tenang ati.. (doesnt mean i dont believe).. bukan completely inda redha kali, tapi inda nampak how youre gonna cope with that, dgn emosi yg.. undisturbed.. yg tenang.. yg able to still see the best in others.. yg langsung inda rasa in their low phase.. yg masih senyum.. yg masih inda suuzhoon arah urg lain.. i guess, i got my faith shaken. my not strong faith was swayed.. :(

today, i met some "lawyers" and they said: if u have anything, be it personal or academic.. you should tell us. we understand these things. u know, lawyers are human too.

bah kali kedua th ku mndgr/mliat ni 'lawyers are human too'. first time masa a few weeks ago, tapi calii how the same words gave me different interpretations. the first time around, i read it as "lawyers ani robot text-booky, kurang empathy and humanity, thats why the peson who wrote that note have to remind themselves that lawyers sbnrnya ada hati jugaa~" but today, i read it with my optimistic eyes "lawyers are baik ati. titik. no negative in it"..

amazing how a simple kindness melt a heart. and how ia kills someone else yg before atu full of hatred. and i feel indebted. i have to do well in that course. cematu rupanya human "policy" ani, win their hearts.. and they will poreba "indebted"...

ah i gave up my semester two. no chance i could do well. ani asal abis saja. skali tadi, that course punya lecturer extended aku punya due. i know, i'll have 3 extra weeks dari weeks bnr2nya ku abis. but i think i need that extra time wlwpun aku deny aku need. wlwpun aku inda minta ia extend, tpi ia extend. sobsob. teharu ku bnrnya.. hehe. teharu with her kindness, terharu dgn takdir Allah.. lalai pun ku kn besyukur, lalai pun ku kn redha, masih jua Allah bagi rahmatNya, bagi jalan keluar, bagi pengajaran.. like.. how beautiful that is? :') if i wasnt caught up in that trouble, i wouldnt get that extension. and i wouldnt have the slightest intention/motivation to do well in that course or in any course this semester. but now, i see hope.. and i wont waste the chance.. insyaAllah..

she said.. "treat yourself fairly. youre smart, you just have to be confident. and give yourself enough time to do your works. i know youve been through a hard time, i know its not easy. i really can understand that. i have a family too. u need to pass your courses because u need to graduate and get back to your family"

one: me, smart? how can u tell that judging from my rubbish assgn, rubbish performance, rubbish impression i gave? huhu. masih ada trace "smart" kah arh ke-rubbish-an ku atu? :s now, that is amazing and flattering. haha. plus, bnarr th tu, andang pn inda kunpiden. hehe
two: i am touched by the empathy i thought she showed
three: she reminded me not to give up, and not to waste what ive done in sem 1
four: now i am indebted. have to do well in her essay. brabis.
five: i need to pass... really.. i need to go home.

im very grateful for this. fr everything. and i dont hate them. but i dont think that really changes how i think about myself - that im not into law and politic, that im not that kind of person. and.. yea, its just.. not who i am :) i'd do what i have to do in this field nnti, if i am needed. i will try to do damge control and aim higher fr this semester - while i still have time.. but.. i still believe in that person i rediscover a few weeks ago :) and im gonna stick to that 'me'.. i mean at least stick to those huge parts of me :)

esok i have 3 dues. one major essay, one review, one presentation. presentationku rough work saja, but it'll do.. i think... review, baru buat summary, alum kritik.. essay, masih alum complete footnotes, alum check and a few more things to insert..  it'll take time... okay lah, mudahan tah smuanya okay.. amin..