failed!

hahah. i FAILED my weekly briefing paper, a disastrous failure of 25 marks.. emm. its my first critical review. biasanya essay or cases. not an excuse though, most papers were my first experience. the case, the essays. and i did good. but this time, i FAILED!! msani aku ktawa2 plg.. not in defensive way, i admit i did bad. hehehe. but maybe aku mampu lagi ktawa2 because ani inda kna kira arah markah. kami ada 5 papers, and kana bagi markah 4 buting sja.. the best 4 among 5. so i am feeling like i have another shot, thats probably why aku inda ke jiwa. hehe. but gila eh, 25 wah.. haha.

u know, i initially thought i got a pass masa di class tadi, psal aku liat yg kna highlight ani commentary arh range pass atu, skali udah balik ke rumah.. ku liat.. 25 bh. ksiaan jua eh.

now i know i should treat weekly 500 like the 2000 ones, like those 4000, 6000.

but its a wake up call. brabis wake up call. i need to pick myself up. be serious. and remember those feelings i used to feel, the feelings that motivated me last semester. in a way, getting good results killed me. because im not assuming the worst now.. kn ku pajal2 bepkir im the worst in class, i couldnt bring myself to think that way just because i know i could do better than that.... (but teeet, i think 25marks made me the worst in class. not only in class, i believe the lecturer's worst postgrad student ever. hahah)

but then again, i'll have to remember i was able to get decent grades because i worked hard. i earned them. and now, im forgetting those.... methods, those motivations that i deeply felt. sigh. i'll have to be aware of my surrounding and be intimidated: the way those smart people talk and think, i should try to be along their line. i should try to... bubut them. i should learn from them. remember i said its good to be able to learn from these smart brains? and i think ive stopped doing that this semester! all i think now is, "i am as good as you are" - arrogant much! - all i think now "aaah, i know this" -not realising how little and flawed my knowledge is- i used to think, "if i cant be good enough in this, then i'll just learn the side things. if im meant to find myself thru this journey, then be it. if im meant to just learn the side things, then be it" that kind of thought made me work hard... and im losing it :( perhaps im generally lost now.

i need to find my way back...

ya Allah, jauhkan aku dari perasaan sombong, prasaan riak. jangan kau jadikan aku sbgai manusia yg memandang rendah makhluk yg lain. berikan aku keyakinan disamping sifat tawadhu'.. ikhlaskan hatiku, kuatkan semangatku, luruskan niatku ya Allah. tunjukkan aku jalanMu, bersihkan hatiku, berkati urusanku.. amin ya Allah..

*btw my beloved Mangmang died yesterday. i cried. that was sad.. i'll post about her later when i can get myself together udah*

wake up. wake up, get yourself together..