post-failure

ah. i guess i.. kept thinking about my 25 marks.. (while reading wiki as a starting point for my nxt weekly paper:p)

hear me out. im gonna beat myself up. i cant dwell on how much i want this to be over quickly. i cant complain how exhausting this will be. because i have to do this. and i'll beat myself up, even if it doesnt sound alright. haha

balum tah ku bangun gayanya dari cutii ani.. tau kn mngitung minggu saja.. angan2 kan dapat distinction.. tau kan mendulur homesickness, angan2 kan abis, angan2 kan balik saaja!

this is not right. i cant whine and count how many weeks ahead, have my countdown since week 1.. while dreaming of getting straight distinctions. well, reality is i cant get good results, i cant go back home without having to go thru these many weeks with sweats, blood, tears, hardship. and even if i beat myself up, its no guarantee i can get good results.. but its worth trying. whats more important is to close any room for regrets. to know that i go thru my days unwasted. to know that if i make mistakes, its not because im careless. to know that if i fall, its not because ive let go.

okay. so im having double loads now. i have more than just academic goals ahead of me. im gonna pull myself together. and beat myself up, even if i bleed. (tapi inda sampai crazy lah.. i know i'll know when to stop. hahah)

and i have to have that last semester's attitude: i felt inadequate. i felt that i couldnt be good enough in this field. and thats one way to beat myself up.

bah semangat ku ni:p