ive learned A LOT these two months. yes. i learned what i CAN actually do and what i... am lacking. i learned my weakness, i learned my strength. altho not all, ofcourse. haha. as i said, from my way of writing essay, i learned that i am someone who most of the time keep things to myself, see things through my eyes and my eyes only.. and then expect others to GET me, to understand me. how? haha. i should learn to be more accessible :)
i learned that im slow to fit in. i knew it a long time ago. only certain people are able to hit my right button and make me comfortable with them easily. i hate that. i hate that part of me. who is awkward with others.. who cant really fit in and open up... i hate that kind of introvert-ness in me.. i wanna throw that away and in trying to do so, its.. even harder and inda siok and lagitah awkward to try to be someone you are not.. people tend to have negative perception on that kind of personality. majority have a good vibe, impression on extrovert and hate introvert and funnily enough i listen to that voice inside my head and wanna "change for the better" but.. im beginning to embrace that introvert or not fitting in is not always a bad thing.. and somehow... im beginning to embrace myself and all i wanna be is myself.. embracing ur "negative" self is not easy, its a slow process.. and im kind of happy im in that process now :)
thats one or two specific things.
more? emm.. oh, im someone who cant articulate my words very well. i stumbled upon words and have a hard time trying to make people understand what i am saying (ani verbally ni) and at times i think they just go "aaa apakan ia cakap ani.ksian jua" haha
im not a volunteering person. im a chicken. and not confident. i cant even raise my hand, volunteer my opinion, ask Q, im super nervous while answering and talking. malu-malu yg barigali. basically lack of confidence lah tu. i'll shine only when i feel nobody else can take it and that time i feel like i can. when no body else can come forward and i feel like i can. when i feel forced (tapiiii kdgnya klw forced tapi andang bnar nda tau, atu mcm si talur juaku rasanya tu... lagi trok. baik plg malu2 brigali atu tu eh. hehehe). that lack of confidence, i dont know how to fix it. i thought i come here, i thought ive been through a lot of things so that i can gain confidence over the time. but see, sampai ani inda jua bh. hahah. that lack of confidence has put me behind.. has prevented me from shining.. has been holding me back and will always hold me back.. i dont like that part of me and havent been able to embrace that part of myself, all i wanna be is more.. but but interestingly, sometimes i kind of like and embrace that jua eh! hahaha antah kau.. aah i think i am ok with it and like it most of the time but HATE the way it holds me back and imprisoned my potentials! but anyway, ive always known that part of me and now its just highlighting it..
what else? that things are POSSIBLE. that we all have potentials we dont realise. that we often underestimate ourselves. that we can do far more than we thought we can..
and hardwork usually paid off!
im learning to believe... to keep on believing.. :)
oh and learned that you are what your thoughts made you of. (dont listen to the negative voices, they'll only be translated -unconsciously- in what you do and who u are and how u carry yourself. believe like a kid! ow i wish i could!)
just so i'd remember to hold onto this fr the rest of the journey: i think what motivates me this time is the fact that ive always thought im the worst in class, that im so inadequate, that they knew everything while i have known nothing.. and so, im fighting to at least be in the same line with them..
and within me, there is this deep deep thing in me.. i wanna change the world. haha. u know, when ure good enough, they will publish ur essay? and when im that good enough, and when i get published... i can slowly slowly change the world.. because i believe u can change how others think, u can change the world with ur words!! with what youre saying... so in silently wanting to get published... i tend to.. want to write better. it seems less possible, i know, dont judge me. but if thats what makes me work harder, if thats what motivates me, if thats what keeps me going.. then let this little girl dream.. :)
i came here, i wanted to do this because i wanna prove something... wanna prove that i can.. (and yes be ready fr asgar training and just.. get a peace of mind..)
i learned this one thing, i think its one of my strength jua.. its the way i emm.. inclined to define success as.. able to do something that i thought i couldnt do.. and then all that it does is creating.. someone who keeps on trying and trying.. someone who wants to be more than she is.... i mean not in a bad way though, not in the way i wanna change who i am. not that im not grateful.. but its just there are times and certain things.. that i cant stand the way people see me, as if they have the right to label another person's capability, ability and all that.. as if they can define another person.. as if they can judge you, as if thats the limit you can ever be and ever do.. no, i wanna prove u wrong.. and thats how it makes a part of who i am...
but dont get confused there, i define happiness in other ways. completely different from success. (thats why its hard fr me to make choices in life.. go fr happiness, or go fr success?) altho yeah, those two have a meeting point where they intersects.. hehehe.
bh panjang eh. will write down lagi nanti what i learned in this journey. so that i wont forget fr the rest of my life! haha :)
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