huahua

i am at my weakest state, or perhaps this is the strongest...

i always have doubts inside.. of who i will be, the kind of life i will lead.. i doubt if this is the right choice, if this will make me happy..

all this while, i always said to myself: do it. just do it. maybe i should stop thinking whether or not its the right decision.. whatever it is, make the best out of the decision ive made. i chose and i will have to live with my choice and its consequences. because i already chose, i will be responsible for it..

i didnt know that when the time is nearer, when u know that u really have to face the consequences, or perhaps when u grow up enough, u learn that priorities could and would change... maybe as short as two months will change you in a lot of ways, that short time could make u see what u really want in your life..

and now that im barely confused by what i want, i have yet to face the consequences of my choices. i said im 'barely' confused, u know i still am..

i didnt know that i would break down that day infront of my new boss. thats the first time in my 'career' that i cried dapan boss.. the first time i didnt pretend to be tough and said at least one third of my mind, although its a small proportion of thoughts and feelings, it helped me to feel better.. handal boss atu, what was about her that made me let myself out like that? haha. but silahau, that was basically her first 'formal' impression of me! that would have opened up spaces for her to see my weakness or strength among many other things.. but at least there was a value of honesty in it..

i dont know the truth, but she said what i experienced was a professional pressure, dont worry and dont feel bad. now that im still emotional about it, i might not be able to think of it in the best way... but one day, my heart will be set at peace and i wont cry and i will go fr what i want, without doubts, without regrets. that one day, i will know. that one day, i wont be able to lie to myself anymore. that one day, i will make the best decision for myself.

so anyway... i love weekend!!!!! hahaha