errr..

then comes a day when we dont know anymore why we are doing what we are doing, why we are where we are...

its time for a break.. dan.. a'uzubillahi minassyaitoonir rajim.. hehehe..

bukannya baru jua ku cakap im happy now.. with my time, freedom? ani apa kes ni? hehe. didnt come again to morning session.. im losing reasons to come.. but this time i felt extra guilty.. entah.. psal kmarin i said to coach i would come kali but i didnt..


this morning, told coach im not coming today.. i expected some kind of "ok" - thats how i usually told him. with no reason, with no excuses. bcause i have no reason for not coming except i dont want to.. but today, he asked.. (maybe thats bcause the others would usually tell him why theyre not coming).. so he asked "what happened" and i said "a bit unwell laah. hehehe" hoping that he gets it.. but he said "get well soon" hisshhh :( but thats still okay, i'll tell honestly tmrrow (insyaAllah..)

what makes me feel guilty is actually, yesterday coach asked me whether or not im coming.. at first i joked, menyeluru the other person -he said he cant come bcause he has to bring his wife to clinic- so i said "me too, cannot come. have to bring my wife also" but then i kind of said yes.. im coming. so i feel guilty, cakap inda belurus ani.. hehe.. what if coach changes some of his plans, sets the venue in order to accomodate me? i mean its possible.. thats why he asks if im coming or not.. ah. no. guilty. kill kill the guilt. tpi bleh jadi jua nada papa, he doesnt usually do that - set a venue to accomodate only one person.. so.. cool..

then later i'll tell myself, i have to come bcause i dont wanna lose what ive built fr 4months.. (but im seriously losing it.. huhu)

ah u know that i told you before that i have some kind of foot-treatment? but i didnt tell what exactly sakitnya kakiku ani right? its actually called wart.. butir kah tu melayunya ah? on my foot.. its painful klw ia tekana pressure (klw dbwa bjalan, belari etc).. ive been doing the treatment for 2months now.. tpi lapasnya kna kikis and given nitrogen, it grows again. what makes it worse is psal aku bawa ia belari jua, jadinya extra pressure.. skali bcause it keeps growing and gets thicker, kana bagi th ku treatment once a week (dlu twice a week).. it was okay, klw ngilu pun biasa2 saja.. tapiinyaa since last week, trasa th ku treatmentnya ani, makin sakit tia.. nurse cakap thats bcause it gets thinner.. (which is good tpi sakit lah).. aish, sakit rupaanya, smpai jua ku mengampas2 softly my upper leg.. heheh.. minggu dapan mnangis th ku ni! haha. tpii bnarrr.. ngilu eh.. kids usually cry ni, byk dh ku liat yg mnangis.. the first time i had the treatment, i asked the nurse "sakit kah ni" she explained kanak2 slalunya mnangis, tpi urg dewasa inda plg.. and lapas kna treat atu bnar eh, inda sakit.. tpii msani saaakittt tiaa.. (but skjp sja kali sakitnya ani, by tmrw morning ilang th kali), inda kan aku urg dewasa pertaama yg mnangis kali? (ego.haha).. nadalah, im actually quite good at tolerating pain (better than some people), abis tu cana th drg ani handal ani? padih kli ah... huhu.

there are other options fr the treatment.. burn pkai cold nitrogen (mcm yg aku ani), burn pkai elektrik (more sakit kononnya.. tpi bnar kli. hehe) and surgery.. msatu sasak2 ku mcm kn mau ku ni udah surgery ah, bh kurik tia kakiku ani bcause the pain and treatment is getting more tiring.. tpinya masalahnya surgery ani inda smua successful, bcause the wart comes back.. so drg inda recommend lah..

ah. apa2lah.

.. and i will make sure to keep my distance,

.. say i love you when youre not listening..

(the song stucks in my head. and i find the lyrics becoming more and more sweet. haha. and one of the ways to say i love you when youre not listening is thru.. prayers.. :) so, isnt it sweet? ceewaah)