runner

so lately ive been putting the kids to sleep (eksen. labih bunyinya. haha) warning: ani macam post iklan utk urg mencari calon isteri ni. hahah. nadawh.

na, lately the 5yr old nephew is being manja to me. entah sejaak bila kah. didnt really realise it, and recently he had been jadi ekor saya (kind of) and been wanting me to put him to sleep (kind of, majal "kind of" ani.. hehe).. ive always liked it when i made the kids fall asleep.. it always gave me this feeling.. touched me somewhere.. the same way goes when the kids inda mau mkan but u successfully made them eat..

sometimes i wonder.. if they make me feel that way, how much deeper would a mother feel?

last two years, i spent 2 whole months isolated at home. isolated in the sense that ive been cut out from the outside world lah. didnt have the phone, psal lineku kana barred, aku malas kan kn unbarred, and pinjam my late sister punya line saja - for urgent purposes- didnt go to facebook/internet, didnt read news, didnt go out much, didnt talk to friends let alone went out with them.. i spent my time at home. and especially with this one (different) nephew. i spent my time watching cartoons.. and yes, with him. i felt so attached to him that my priority changed: all i wanted was to be a good mother [wuiseh! cakap mcm bagus].. thats what kids do, they make you feel loved, wanted and needed; like youre the most important person in this world.. as if the world would stop spinning if you werent in it..

when you go home, and they run to you, hugging, all you want is to give them the world - if only you could..

when they make you angry and you scold them, you sleep with guilt, with worries.. "what if they love me less tomorrow?" and thats when you realise how your parents have suffered in trying to make you a better person - they have to scold you in the hope of moulding you into a good being but in being scolded you might start hating them, not realising they suffered badly (too), not realising theyre hurting inside.. not realising theyre doing that for our own good..

ah membebel. im the youngest in my sibs. being the youngest, they will always see me as the little one. but most of all, being the youngest one, i never held a kid. didnt have younger sibs. so i only learned about kids udahku ada anak buah. but ofcourse, not enough. i still dont know how to do a lot of things. especially with a very young infant. but whatever, ada yang namanya "learning" itu kan? :p

ah well, sounds like i might turn out to be a good mother eh? hahah. (although people would usually describe me as someone coldish, people dont see me as kids-friendly.. and i think i know where or how that perception comes from.. but.. so what? haha)

on a different story. there is this rich man.. and i was talking with a friend psal his wealth ani (ani pun namanya mngumpat ni sbnrnya. hehe)

friend: "eh jgn ko compare life tani dgn life nya atu.. ia lain"
me: "siuk plg ah.. but.. boring jua tu ia can get anything he wants.. mcm nada tia rasa puas ati atu. nada accomplishment kali rasanya"
friend: "maybe thats why he is a runner" -he is extremely good in running - "psal running atu paksa dapatkan sendiri. its your own effort. and it gives you a sense of satisfaction"

ah. exactly... it makes sense..

hmm.

tmorrow is hantah lah. i hope everything is going well.. and i'll be okay, i'll be happy.. amin ya Allah..