he is a human, and he has feelings..

exhausted. havent really slept.. got some few hours lately.. but.. BUT.

and i felt a bit disturbed. lets just say bcause i was "criticised" - nothing wrong with it, it just means that im 'processing' it. critiques are good u know, but it depends on how willing we are to 'process' them. ive always tried my best to process critiques but im sure critiques always give some... 'feelings' while we are processing them. so.. i guess im in that position.

i felt disturbed (plus lack of sleep), so while waiting for my housemate to deal with the bank, i sat outside the building, on the bench. its the type of bench which can accommodate at least 4 people.. so i.. just sat there, alone.. when suddenly a man who looked like what people usually described as "homeless" (kalau arah tv, catu tu usullnya), came nearby and said to me "move a bit. move there. u sat there" - pointing at the end of the bench. he wanted to sit where i was sitting. i looked at him, he carried a tongkat and a bottle -of what could be alcoholic- and at that instant, i remembered seeing him many many months ago - when i was still a newbie here. i think i saw him sitting there. and if im not exaggerating, i saw some policemen 'interviewing' him at that time.

i dont know if its because i felt disturbed inside or its because today is my last afternoon in sydney, i didnt feel the littlest bit scared.. so i moved, sat on the end side of the bench. i pretended he wasnt there. ignored him, hoping we would do the same.. but no. i was staring into the blank spaces when he said "are you ok?"

i smiled, saying "yes.. i am"

"do you speak english?" he asked, with so much lack of clarity in his pronounciation. and he continued by asking me my name. i was thinking of giving a fake one but couldnt figure out any. so i told him my name. sometimes he repeated after me.. "adibah" -or so it sounded like- but then he kept asking again, i answered him again and again and again. thats how it went by for a while. at times he pointed to his ears and said "i couldnt hear you" another times he said "did i pronounce it right?" one time, he laughed when i said "yes, you pronounce it right" i wondered why he laughed, i wondered if he was mocking me or he was just... happy, but all in all i didnt really mind..

after a series of asking my name repeatedly, he asked me of my religion.. and occasionally he would asked "are you scared?" (of him) and i just said "no, im not scared" (i wasnt scared.. but given another time, i might be).

"if youre not scared, then talk to me" -him

"im talking" me.. smiling. "whats ur name?"

sometimes i couldnt really figured out what he said. and he would go all defensive, like "i CAN speak english or i cant hear you". he said his name was 'Gary'.. i looked at him deeply and noticed he had lost all his teeth, he looked really really messy, and supposedly scary...

but he is a person. a person with a story. i believe there is so much things going on inside him. there is so much things he FEEL and wanna feel.. so much things he know.. so much things... that made him who he is now.. i think, if i had time, i would want to know.. and if possible, be empathatic and help.. but im not sure if im just saying this because its my last afternoon here..

and then a woman passed by, said hi to Gary. thats when i knew he already made some friends.. thats when i am sure he was the one i saw when i was a newbie..

and all i know is that.. he is just another human being.. a human being who has feelings.. a human being who we arent supposed to be scared of..

:)

*sbnarnya aku ani byk KRAJA. tapi mesti juaku buat ani, or i'll forget. haha. exhausted! hmmph