someone i am not

life keeps pushing me down. i wanted to hate everything. it feels so wrong, i just wanna be home.. again. whatever home is supposed to mean to me.

i wanted to hate everything. maybe i still want to. but there is this voice telling me, "that isnt right" - everyone has their own share in life and we have to learn to make the best out of what we are blessed with. and i know i cant count my blessings enough..

still, i cant help to hate some things. i hate lawyers. i hate judges. i hate the way they think they are right. i hate the text-book-law kind of person they are. i hate the fact that im not seeing human in them. i hate knowing that there are parts of them in me. im not this person.

i came here.. wanted to find a peace of mind. more importantly, wanted to see another side of the world. most of all, i wanted to prove so bad that i can do so much more. that i can do this. that people with "my background" can do this. maybe somewhere in the process, i did.. and i became more attached to this.. finding the joy and fun in it.. and it is building inside me..

what if its turning me into someone im not? and i wouldnt realise what it has done to me. maybe i would even forget who i really am.

its not the pressure of assignments that are pushing me to the edge. yes they are stressing me out. you would assume oh its just another bad assignment day that she kept talking about. i told you, dont assume.. people have their stories. ask me, dont assume. i will either deny or nod to your assumptions.

perhaps im lost. perhaps it'll be a long time until i find my way home.. but maybe this is the beginning. maybe i am meant to find myself through these.. stupid law politics courses: this is somebody that i am not. and i will remember that. if i have to work along this line in the future, well i might give genuine contribution. but I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER that... this is not me. i WILL TRY TO ALWAYS REMEMBER who i am and i wouldnt want to try to become someone else just because i want to prove something..

yesterday, i learned that. today, i learned that its okay to say im not okay. its okay to allow yourself have excuses - and its not called excuses when its true. dont pretend that you can be everything. that everything will be fine. no.. let me face the hard truth: not everything will be fine. some things will be, others will not.. all i can do is have faith that whether they will be fine or not, its because Allah knows whats the best for me. that there are reasons.. and reasons wouldnt always come from the fine things.

ps. sitting with lawyers are not cool. sitting next to judges is even uglier. sitting next to politicians? ah next time, i won't even look at them. makaassihh sajaa.

i hate this i-am-clever world. i hate this i-am-leader world. i hate this i-am-right world. i hate this we-must-become-this-kind-of-person world. i hate it all.

i dont call myself anything, saya bukan stupid loyer, saya bukan asgar (one day i know i will feel some kind pride in being one but i shouldn't.. i have to remember that its not me, im not that person), mungkin saya juga bukan seorang poet.. saya hanya seorang  "HUMAN". emm bah