inspiration.. please?

HELP ME!! :(

THE boss suruh aku buat article fr their magazine. their first edition, i think. isnt that what i am supposed to be excited about? yay i might change the world with my words, my writing, short as it might be, i might change the world. yay. YAY. YAY

yay tia karang!! im not sure if im the "chosen one" to write for them or all of us tekana. either way, i know i should feel honoured. but.... ah why now. why now and why soo last minit. 3 days, 3 days is all i am given. banyak lagi deadlines ku ni :( and why nowwwww while i am suffering this syndrome "i just wanna lay down my bed. i dont wanna do work. i wanna go cuti. i just wanna do what i wanna do" when there is not enough switches of inspiration and kerajinan and motivation dalam utak ku!!

sigh. they should have been more considerate and make me an exception, especially tah kalau the writing atu aku sorang yg tkana. sigh sigh sigh. they knew what im going thru! they knew they knew they knew!! didnt they have the slightest idea that im about to ruin my second semester? that i MIGHT ruin my second semester? that im expecting their forgiveness for that? agh, why would they think i'd be able to do extra, serious things... i... am afraid i'd deliver craps...... i am... a bit disturbed and.... very much not inspired and motivated... *scream*

when they asked me to change my program dulu2 atu, and huge possibility that i wont get approval for further studies, i once said to myself "no one is going to hear why i wanna do what i wanna do. no one is going to hear me.." - days or a month after that, they interviewed me/us.. well, at least 4 bosses HEARD a little bit of what i wanted them to hear.. then i "accidentally" answered my phone and interviewed by a newspaper... well, at least maybe 10 people HEARD more bits of what i wanted them to hear.. and now that they ask me to write, and if i get published... i'll be heard more and more... although i cant really express it all.. but i'll be heard... little by little.. more and more.. wasnt that what i wanted? im not sure anymore..... :(  naa, i dont want that anymore :( all i want is to get over with this second semester and.... hibernate and.... find.... serenity.... find.... the better parts of me... spend my days doing nothing until im tired of doing nothing and... try to get back on my steady feet again..

well. thats just a good indication that life has no excuse. (that bosses dont do excuses! :p). since im not a fan of excuses myself... i'll... try... i'll just... try what i can..

syhh.. dont tell the boss;p

oh i should talk about things that made me a bit happy.. yes? yesterday i went for a netball. my first netball in +-a year and yg first di sini. emm.. netball actually felt.... GOOD!! :)

though it made my bodeyh aching sana sini. plus injured trabah taya lgi.. ish, macam POC days ada jua rasanya. mun luan hari2 dlm sminggu ani ku main netball, ah ngam th udah rasanya mcm poc tu.. turun tangga kn terabah rasanya psal batis kajar2 inda mau straight.. haha..

and i unexpectedly enjoyed the teamwork, whatever little chemistry i felt with a few of these awesome 'strangers'.. whatever little trust that i think we felt for each other.. fun, fun, fun. i wasnt a hero yesterday.. wasnt that good of a player too.. but it was fun.. yea, fun.. :)

anyways. it all comes down to.. Allah knows whats best for us. Allah wont burden us with what we cant handle.. in short, we have HIM.. and He will help us go through whatever it is we are going through...

Rabbi... Rabbi yassir walla tu'assir ya kareem.. Rabbi tammim bilkheir.. amin ya Allah..