dont say no

it might have always been that way.. but ive just realised during the last months i was back in brunei.. my brother never said no to me. and for that matter, maybe for all those people who matter to him. every help i needed, he handed to me. every favour i asked for, he lended to me. and i am indebted.. to him, to my family, to a lot of people. he never said no during those days... and i was.. amazed. how did he do it? he have mountains of responsibilities on his shoulders, his wife, his children, his in laws.. his work, his life, himself.. he was exhausted, he had a lot of stress.. and yet, he tried his best to be there for me. it might have taken a lot of heart to not say no..... and me, trying to put myself in his shoes, i doubt if i'd do the same: never say no. i have said no to some people, maybe a lot. directly and indirectly. in fact, there could be times when i said yes, that i might have felt... burdened.. or... at times, inda iklas... (i said "at times" tu ah, not all. haha:p)

and from what i realised, from what i saw.. from that moment on, i keep telling myself: i will try my best not to say no to him (and to my family), and for that matter, maybe not to say no to anyone else who needs me... (i mean, reasonable "anyone" not anyone, anyone).. not like, a yes to a drug addict who asks for a 10 dollar note to buy drug.. okeh? :p

a few weeks ago, i had a little conversation with my sister..  it was during my busiest weeks.. and then i realised, i am too occupied with my own things, too focused to run after "my future".. i forgot the so many things in between! yes i did appreciate the little little things along the way.. but i forgot to appreciate other people yang barangkali inda "along the way"... and i realised, i will regret that.. what if i never get to see those people i treasure again (na'uzubillah. ya Allah mudahan dorang panjang umur, sihat, murah rezeki.. amin), but yes, what if? did i not know how it feels like to lose someone? u bet. ive been there. i lost the most important person. i lost my mother! and dont say u know how it feels like unless u have lost yours...... or someone that important. and i rarely talk about it because it hurts me, not because i am strong or that i do not care slash nada feeling... and that very moment, the moment in some weeks ago, i realised.. how much i love my sister and how i cannot live without her. i cannot live without her. no i cant. no. and.. i realised, how i would not have been able to live without my father, my brothers, my sisters... (and ofcourse my mother - for those short period of 13years...) .. i always know i love them, i just tend to 'forget' how much....

i may not be a family person, physically. (teeet sensitivity alarmed!)  but yeah, ive got a lot of heart too... and i always remember them in my prayers.. insyaAllah.. :')