life... in 24 angles

i spent weekdays (since tue) at my bro's house because i had a few things to settle and attend... its just... its funny how i think (think. i use the word think:p) that ive been thinking much of home within these short days. i would wonder how that little kid has been doing.. wonder if he would come running or even as little as excited to see me back home.. wonder if they feel my absence at all.. its weird to be thinking this way because ive been far and away from home as long as i could remember and my absence wouldnt be feel much, inda mbagi kesan pun:p but maybe, because this time around im away skajap sja and inda jauh, thats why i feel a little different - or so i think;p - and well that just shows how much time ive been spending *locked&isolated* at home.. :p

so anyway, i just wanna share about that particular day i was at home. i dont usually let my temper out to kids (except being cold maybe) because i usually think too much about their parents' reactions if i get angry, theyre afterall my sibs and those kids arent mine.. hehe.. that day, i got angry a little, but not too much to cause a kid to cry or mnyamal and such (in my judgement only. haha).. but somehow my nephew mnangis tia and mnyamal.. the maid asked him to say sorry to me but he refused and so, i didnt want to pujuk him or anything.. but not talking to him after that, and the fact that he didnt even look for me made me unsettled, made me feel guilty.. would i have to sleep with the thoughts of guilt, and with the painful feeling for hurting the little kid, wondering if ive made a mistake or if i did right, wondering if he'd love me less? that little event/incident:p made me think a lot about parents.. u know, how much parents have suffered internally without us knowing and understanding? how much internal conflicts they have been facing, choices decisions and pain they have to face? at some points in life, i did wonder about these things and i thougt i got it, i understood.. but that day, i knew that ive been wondering without understanding.. knowing without realising.. know the facts, not the feelings.. a father would scold his kid in the hope to discipline them, to shape them into a better person.. and even for the micro fraction bits of heart, the child would think that his father is mean.. not realising that his father is hurt too for hurting him, not knowing his father suffered too for the better of his child, not understanding how much his father has sacrificed in that little action.. what do we know, really? i am not a parent, there has to be lot more to it that i didnt see, that i havent seen.. and i hope to find more along the way so i can prepare to be the best one when the time comes.. :) *esseh:p* .. some other little things i found out is on my post "children and dotdotdot".. not much, just from the side view of a fake babysitter..

oh u know one of the times that a kid would make me very happy that i thought i am about to float is when they want to eat nitritous meals. hahaha. pyah kaliah kanak2 ani kn mau mkan, and when they want to eat mcm banyak2 and even drg yg merequest, it makes me so happy.. then i would say to myself, how happy would a parent be just because of that little thing? (nada plg little tu:p)

and so, as i said.. i wanna be a good mother (and a good wife ofcourse:p -tiket ke syurga nyamu tu:p-).. but u know, it scares me to think if i fail to be the person that i wanna be... scares me to see how much work-commitment i signed in for that it would test me to the deepest of depth: how to be good at both? how to be successful and happy at the same time?

well... i hope to figure it out in time :)