at the edge..

ive been living off-track.. and addicted to it. life now is so simple, i dont have to use thinking ability much;p nda pyah mikirkan daily chores kh apakah.. nda pyah mikirkan if i look okay, or if im smart enough good enough and such.. and most of my feelings went numb.. feelings to excel, to compete, to be good, feelings about future, feelings about my current life and the life ive left.. i dont know if im deliberately blocking them or its just im still in my 'transation' period.. but then when i have to face reality, i feel lost.. so left behind.. so hating the other side of the world.. i dont think i can fit in 'serious' life anymore.. haha

and its hard knowing that ive forgotten to ask myself what do i want, what do i like, what kind of life would i want to lead.. forgotten it all.. because.. maybe at some points, i just go along with life.. wherever it takes me.. choose what i think is the best for me, forgetting whats best for me wont always make me happy.. and at that some points, i dont even know anymore what makes me happy..

while the life im currently in is so relaxing, it is so at the edge. im left behind from news, from info.. bh mun everything is through facebook/internet karang ani, aku lagi jarang arah facebook/internet.. not only that, i cut myself out from people and things, i dont even read news, i dont say hi much, i dont really go out, i dont watch tv except for cartoons and some cliche dramas/programmes.. me and my own world and the close ones.. me being a total pemalas plus being a fake babysitter... but still, as in the edge as i am, i learnt a few things from this relaxing life.. i wanted to write many things about it, about what i discovered, but.. kn ke blogger pn ku pyah :p and then all those things blended in the thin air saja.. anyway, my point is aku ani idup arah duniaku sndiri lah, brabis. haha. thats why im saying its becoming hard to cope with reality now..

the first few weeks living like this, i thought its okay.. i just arrived and things will get in place, will get serious.. but no, its still the same (though i dealt with my important urusan, ofcourse).. life is still like this.. and i fit in well;p but.. no matter how okay i am with this, i do realise this is not really my life and i cant go on with this kind of life.. i'll eventually get tired of 'not knowing'.. of having to hate the other side of the world, of life.. no matter what, i'll have to lead my own life where i have to worry about things, to deal with daily chores, to say hi, to know things, to be a part of something important.. to be successful.. to be with those who matter.. and at times having that slow pace relaxing life.. and above all, to be happy.

anyways. as for my updates, if youre curious:p, i just had my undang2 kereta paper test- still a long way to go:p i am not even confident with my test.. mudahan th pass. amin. hehe. eh my bro asked me to try his four wheel drive ranger, skali mati sja enjennya ulihku. haha. demoralised eh. i am okay with auto, tpi auto nganya. i go out with auto every morning of the weekdays. and once or twice or many times i made mistakes too- dude, doing mistakes on the road really make me down. okay. emm and im waiting for masters approval. im going to have my attachment and training, probably starting 29th nov. err whatelse? im cleaning my so upside down bedroom (balum mau abis2nya). later in the afternoon im going hiking and bbq with colleagues and bosses. more, i hate it when i have to deal with internet-related things. and when i go to kadai (shopping complexes especially), i forgot what to buy.. ceh lari dh critaku ani. what else what else.. ahh yg pentingnya most of the time i spent with my nephew at home lah.. (ada ya little sister jua, tpi ia inda suka aku. pemilih! haha:p)

aah just to add, that one time i went to best eastern aimlessly.. that day i was in a bitter mood, hating to realise that i found it difficult to cope with reality- skali while in there, i had the idea to buy buku little mermaid, that is my most fav childhood story book, yg ori version lah, yg mermaid jadi buyah (banciku versionnya byk ah. ada yg happy ending. u know, the sad and crushing ending is the one that made it my fav, tore my heart so much that i remembered the feelings well. ytah jnth diubah versionnya, once in a while, little kids have to realise that life is not all about happy ever after ending. eseh). anyway, i couldnt find the version of little mermaid that i want.. so i asked the shop assistant.. she ended up offering me this one book - 100 classic stories; ada little mermaid of my version - and yes, i bought it! (jelama mudah tepengaruh bnr ih:p).. but that book cheered me up, and i was and still am happy.. hihi.. got to read many other childhood story books yg balum ku prnah baca and be reminded of the old storied yang udah ingatt-ingat lupa. i found it cool. kihkih.

macam byk ku taip ani. batah ku inda blog bh eh.

bh eh.. ;p