no, im not happy

"are you happy?" and i failed to answer that.

A happy person wont doubt if she is happy. if she is happy, she knows it. when im happy, i know it and i dont doubt it.

but now, its been a few months or longer.. i feel.. regrets, frustrated and.. im not happy. today made me realise that..

a friend whom i met when i did my postgraduate asked me "how ur days are going?" i wanted to say.. fine! good! but it feels like im lying to myself. as i searched closely, how my days are going?

i felt like im in a deep shit the past few months but managed to hold on. the last month was my worst, i shed tears like a crying baby. and realised how unhappy i am..

mostly with my work life. i wanted to answer her "i am unhappy with my work and i wish i could have done it differently. and i am happy with him and generally happy with my social-work-unrelated life" but instead i just said my days are okay, just wishing i have more freedom and time.

her next reply hits me "but im proud of you. youre a police or defense officer in your country!" and that she is not working now bcause she has not gotten her postgraduate results and is expecting a baby soon. she has been married for almost 3 yrs now.

she wasnt the brightest student i have ever met. she never impressed me in that sense. she was not well off, she had to work extra hours and did different jobs just so she could get on with her PG studies. she did not come from a fortunate family (and country), she had to live abroad for a better life. she was not the prettiest either (tho shes an okay looking). and before i was done with PG, she told me that she is going to get married the next year. she was match-made by her family and pretty nervous about it. she told me about the guy's background and that she has not met him. she doubted if she would like him and if she would want to get married..

turned out he was not a bad looking guy and he seemed quite well off.

two and a half years later, she is expecting a baby, looking so glowing and happy. pretty pictures everywhere with her husband and family. do i sound like i am a jealous person? yes i am, indeed.

she isnt working, she hasnt gotten her PG results. and she said she is proud of me, and yes, my PG results were good. but does it matter now? is my life better than hers now? NO! i wish i could switch places with her instead. i want to settle down to a stable life, loving husband and lovely children. an okay income. a home i wouldnt be able to wait to go to everyday. a time for those i love..

live with the man i love, having a baby, have a home, get to go to pretty places, spend the time with the loved ones all i want. no worries about work and especially no worries over other people and silly things. silly unnecessary things..

but would i want things to have been different? i wish im not living this kind of life now. i wish i could walk away.. but if things didnt happen the way it did, would i have met him? would i have met the friends i treasure now? would i have felt the best years of my life? maybe no, maybe yes..

i am grateful for what i have but i should be more grateful, i really should. but i feel like things are really hard now, and nothing goes as i wish it is..

ya Allah, tabahkan hatiku.. permudahkan urusanku.. luruskan niatku.. ihklaskan hatiku.. jadikan aku seorang hamba yang selalu bersyukur kepadmu ya Allah..

ya Allah, berilah aku jalan keluar dari perasaan buruk yang membelenggu diriku ya Allah.. amin ya Allah..