not happy today

"why are you sad?" he asked. i looked up, shaking my head, smiling, denying. a bit embarassed to be caught like that.

"no. not sad.. im tired" an equivalent answer to women-so-called stereotype 'im fine', i guess. i think this was the third time coach caught me staring at spaces - or whatever it was abnormal that made he realise i was 'going thru' something- i admitted what was wrong with me once, denied twice.

both times i denied were those times after i did my running tests.. didnt realise i was so obvious..

came early today.. i came before anyone else did. went to the track, and when i checked my phone coach wassap me asking me to wait fr others, as theyre going to do the test as well. oh. i didnt know. nasib jua aku alum start belari.

then came 24 scholars! including the new batch. nah ramai tia kmi test. i was nervous. and when we did our running, biasalah mngalih ah.. inda ku muntah.. ok? haha. did okay lah awal2 atu.. if i continued the same pace, i would make 14mins. but no, at 5th lap mcm malas th ku kn majal (i think aku rasa panas up there arah ampir kerongkong) so i walked :p that took up a lot of timeee. abis the 5th lap, i got 13mins.. which was not bad, considering aku bjalan and my pace pun bukan jua pace kudaa the first 4 laps atu.. if i didnt walk masa 6th lap, and just do relaxing 3 minutes pace, i would make it to 16mins. tpi indaaa, aku jalan jua.. did 17:22 uwaaa! not my best, should have beaten up my best, at least.

 everyone said aku pmalas.. didnt push myself.. probably true.. aku mngalih plg, but i think i could have done more. honestly, this time, there are regrets kicking in. some of them yg test tadi said "i even heard ringing in my ears towards the end" bah mngalih tia sudah tu ertinya..

when i went to the gym, with the rest of the regular group, one of them asked how was my timing.. told him and he said "eh sengajamu tu. andang ko target masamu atu" didnt know what i replied.. but he said "pasal usulmu ani, inda mngalih ah" aish why everyone is always expecting more from me? is it true, that it was that bad; the way i didnt push myself? i dont know if they expect more from me bcause ive been doing the training since for ever or bcause they saw me doing well in other runningss (i hope its the later! somehow! haha) i hope they truly saw something more, some potentials i havent used! haha :p

so i asked "cmana kan usulnya urg mengalih lapas test ani?" then he described tiaa.. antah lah.. cmana kan mempush yg PUSH ani rasanya ah? ive pushed myself smpai kan muntah, is that push PUSH? sigh.

coach said "i want to bang my head on the wall bcause u got beaten by the new people coming fr training" peghhh. padas boss. haha. im a bit disappointed with myself (pasal aku bjalan and i think i could have done jussst a little bit more) but wasnt hurt lah with what coach or others said..

i said... "okay, i'll do the test once a week, cutting 30secs in each test. until i reach 12mins.. to make up fr what i did today" ..and im gonna do it. if i dont cut seconds, inda improve from previous timing, i'll re-do it again and again. coach said, the next test will be on next friday nite.. so im targeting 16:45-16:50..

aduhh barat kepala ku ani eh. beingus ku nyanta. i think its the weather yg tlampau panas dari kmarin ani atau andang musim selesmaa.

i wanna sleep. but its still 6pm and havent eaten anything since lunch! uh uh

ahh im not happy today :(