tell me..

today was the first time coach asked me.. "are you disappointed?" i was quite surprised that he asked. bcause i didnt quite expect it - after a week baru ia tanya and bcause time atu we were talking about something else-

i said.. yes, i am disappointed. he made his teasing smile saying "heheh but the other day u kept asking me to write a report so that u will be let go", turning to a friend, he said "u heard right, the other day she asked me?"

he was menyindir looo.. but it didnt hurt me..

"i know coach. this is exactly what i want.. but somehow im hurt, im disappointed" he was still looking at me when i finished my sentence, so i repeated them like 3 kali.. "i want this. i want to be let go.. but i dont know why, when this happened, im hurt.. im disappointed"

im not sure what coach was thinking then..

one of friend's theories is that: andangnya manusia.. hehehe.. which is partly true, among many other things..

im still waiting fr the black and white.. coach said he will talk to him about my official "let go" - antah coach ani, ndaku paham ia ani bnrnya, kdgnya eksennya.. aritu nada ya bcakap miatu arahnya -

and coach said, whatever ur path is next, dont abandon ur fitness exercise.. said he'll make me a runner and a strong girl.. esseh.. i said "okay then.. make me a runner coach, until i pass the timing. im gonna dedicate my first pass to you" i saw his tiny smile. and i meant what i said..

friend said to coach "but she is 'OUR' material.. she is tough coach" i made a face to him. im glad he said that. but.. it'll only hurt me.. (i dont know which part of me that he saw 'tough', im physically weak and i do complain jua klw kna suruh buat ani buat atu.. maybe in some ways, there were strains of toughness, there were strains of will in me, or its what he saw in the things i said to him.. or he just wanted to put me to ease.. but whatever it is, its good to hear that.. although it'll hurt me being told that i have their qualities and yet i'll never be one of them)

i dont know.. im torn, confused with my feelings.. i thought i knew exactly what i want..

tell me.. what kind of person i am, so that i'll know, i'll know what to do, what to say, what to feel..

whatever it is thats gonna happen, it'll be the best fr me. i know. but either way, i think i'll live my life in such a way that... something feels missing..

but we cant get everything in life, remember? :)