that day..

its only december.. but im scared.. :'( for whats to come.. huu.. im gonna be busy when i am back.. so you better book me early for a date to avoid any disappointment! haha. eksenku, i have to see my schedule yg confirm dlu, barutah can plan for any date.. ceh.. hehe

you remember i said there is this stabbing feeling when i suddenly remember that my sister had passed away? i think there is no stabbing feeling anymore.. but flashbacks.. now there are always flashbacks.. i froze in a moment, lost in those sudden but very short flashbacks..

just wanna share (i dont call these flashbacks) some of my last moments with her.. that day, i called my abah at home.. but he didnt answer.. ahir2nya my sister jawabkan.. but i only got to hear a hello from her and she passed it to my abah.. she was not in a good mood.. later, she sms me (saying sorry) which i didnt receive.. that was, maybe on wednesday? on thursday she inbox me saying how sorry she was that she wasnt welcoming when i called.. said she was in a bad mood.. she felt bad when i didnt reply her sms (yg ku inda receive).. i replied shortly, saying its okay.. but i honestly felt a bit menyamal, kana pujuk tah lagi.. makin th ku basar kepala.. i think my reply reflected that i was a bit menyamal..  that thursday, i havent slept the night before because i had to hand in two assignments and i had full classes.. dari pukul 9am-8pm.. lapas i replied that one, i didnt get to reply to her inbox or respond anything on facebook.. because i was busy and.. later that night i had gastric and i was so exhausted.. i didnt respond to anything.. i fell asleep..

the next day in the afternoon, i responded, replied.. and we were in a better 'relationship'.. bebaik lah tu.. our texts became warmer and until that sunday nite, she said.. she would bring me to eat nasi beriyani kambing when i got back home (which she weirdly became addicted to).. and i said something like "jgn nada tu ah" didnt know it would be my last text.. i mean, we surely had some interesting discussions about life and death months earlier but... it was months earlier and it slipped my mind.. she was in a better mood on that sunday.. i didnt know i'd lost her the next morning.. but ofcourse sister, i let you go and i let that "jgn nada" go.. you owe me nothing.. and i.. love you..

people.. u have to digest what i wrote.. imagine if she left me the day i didnt respond or reply to her texts.. leaving her with the last memories of me that i didnt forgive her.. with the thought that her sister didnt love her, that her sister was cold to her.. and imagine how much regrets would i have to live with if that happened.. you see, no matter how angry you are, show them that you forgave them.. that they meant a lot.. no matter how busy you are, find time to talk to them, show that you care.. that they meant a lot.. no matter how tired you are, show them.. show them.. :') i was lucky i got to talk to her.. but if i didnt? if i lost her the day i treated her coldly? :( sure i have regrets to live with but 'not replying' would have been so much worse..

contohnya mcm kamu, klw kn mnyamal arah buipren kamu atu, jntah batah2 inda melayan, inda mereply.. nyasal karang.. hehehe (but seriously)

so i learnt something. something that i might repeat somewhere in my life.. but i hope i will remember this.. and that it would be enough to stop me from treating those i love wrongly..

its just.. im closer to home now (one month away, maybe).. and i am kind of nervous.. because i will have to start from zero again.. its not gonna be easy living with everything that reminds you of what and who you have lost..