only a man in a funny red sheet

how do i cope? thats my secret. ah ha haaaaaaaa.

u know another hard thing? its when i feel normal... but.. then, something stabs me.. and i suddenly think, shake my head hard: my sister? gone? really?

bukan inda redha, bukan inda pecaya.. but its just.. sometimes i have to remind myself.. she is gone... gone... gone...

all i wanna do is lay on my bed. browse facebook. whatever there is to browse and... spend my time with my digital bestfriend - address is not available.. and.. listen to the same songs..

there is this particular line in this song: "its not easy to be me" - while the rest of the lyrics are beautiful, i dont quite agree with that lah for myself.. not trying to pretend to be tough.. but really, i cant count my blessings enough.. my life might not be as easy as some people who has everything, who has always been lucky.. but mine is not as hard as some people's life too.. i have a lot to be grateful for.. so why wont you? why wont us be grateful enough?

God took away my mother, He gave me the best-est bestfriend.. He took away my bestfriend and i believe He will give me serenity.. aku hamba yang bertuhan, tuhanku Allah.. and i have unconditional faith in him, in his fate.. alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal..

u see, im lucky too. in many ways. i am lucky i had her. i had someone who loved me that way and i have someone who i love that way. we shared things that some people might not even understand, that some people might have never felt.. and i have had my share of losses, the feelings, the pain, the strength that some people might never... understand.

the way these things shape me, the way it make me see things that i know some people missed seeing.. i have what u dont, and u have what i dont. so lets be grateful for whatever we have, whatever we had :)

the human parts of me, the ability to understand things (though as little as it might be), the ability to see past what people show (little as it might be), the loving parts of me (little as it might be), the wise parts of me, the some strength i have.. i owe them to life, and mostly, i owe them to her.. and importantly its by Allah's grace, He lends them to me.

not that life doesnt give me the bad parts of me, but its for me to deal with them..

saya sungguh lapar.