semester two

i am sure the lecturer laid out 11weeks presentation power point and his notes. i downloaded only the first week's (the first, the nothing week)! and when i checked the papan hitam again, theyre gone. GONE. ia delete the notes!! haha. boring eh. otherwise, they'll be my good shortcuts of weekly readings. know exactly what to expect in class! hmmph.

but then, isnt "not knowing" kind of fun? :)

coming here, i didnt know what the perghh organizational charters are. if this were my first semester, i'd feel exactly the same way like last semester. maybe worse. i wouldnt have a slightest idea what R2P is, what realist is.. i'd be lost. again. (but i'll always be lost, somewhere in this life..)

what i feel this time is not as intense as what i felt last semester. reading the articles is still hard. still not used to the terms. but at least, i have a glimpse of what it might be.. last semester, waking up in the morning was.. a bitter feeling. walking to the classroom was.. lonely. the strongest thing that moved me was perhaps the fact that i wanted so bad to prove myself: i can do this.

this time around, i still feel something.. reflections of what i always felt last semester. but much less intense. i still think of how i wish this to be over soon. how exhausting this is. how alone i feel. how hard it is.. (but ofcourse, giving up is never an option. no way out. i dont even wanna try looking ways out. no), while i might wish so many times: wish i dont have to do this. question myself so many times: why am doing this. why do i have to? and i always arrive at one answer: Allah puts you in a situation, thats because HE knows best what you need to do. to be. to encounter. He knows best what we need. the way i see it, He wont burden me with things i cannot handle. Allahu Akbar. Alhamdulillah ya Allah..

and yes, this is what i wanted to do. i needed this one year.. to maybe equip myself, to.. find my peace of mind.

coming here, i was only equipped with my naive belief, naive faith in myself: i can do this. i didnt doubt myself much. (a bit, yes). but then, other people did doubt me.. telling me to change the program.. (but i didnt think it was because they doubted me. they just want different things, i guess). but people popped out questions like: whats ur IELTS. and: its good to know u have background in A'Level. and: wow. handal tu ah? i replied to that: jangan cakap catu bh.. that makes me nervous. and you might know the rest; people always have some kind of mindset on people with my background (maybe bukan smua.. majority and maybe especially me), some kind of mindset that we are limited to what we know. thats all we can do. yeah? is it? i wanna prove them wrong. i wanna tell my story in my way. i wanna be heard... not just as "people with my background" but as "myself"..

ofcourse when i am here, its actually much of a different story than just my naive belief. as much as i believed in myself that i can do this (and i still believe), it does not come easy.. the price is high. its so much harder than i thought. hard work... ive been working hard. if its not hard enough for everyone, then im saying its the hardest work ive ever done in my student career. haha. postgraduate is the hardest ive ever been in my "student" life.. after im done with first semester, yes i immediately forgot how hard it has been.. i only felt relaxed, happy, and.. its so rewarding.. and coming to second sem.. heh heh its just a repeated chapter of semester 1.. ah ha ha. sigh.

oh, i didnt drop the scary class i talked about in previous posts. haih.. i'll just take each week as it comes, with no plan. it'll get figured out by itself eventually. whose my partner, how im gonna do it. how im gonna face the crowd. yes, whatever, however it'll go. i'll take it.

*mudahan i get good score this semester. mudahan lurus niatku. kuat semangatku. konpiden pun boom boom. amin*

anyway. i have to do my homework. my weekly 500. esok due........and another 500 on thurs plus the reading...... cant imagine how its gonna be when the 500-s clash with real and major essays. kirim salam....... haha