true story true story :)

read and commented on my friend's fb status. ah well, if ure fb spectator, u know well.

from the bottomest heart;

my regret is not a secret anymore. my regret for signing up, maybe 5 yrs ago? ive always been burdened by the worry, the responsibility i have yet to carry.. all those things that i dont think i could do. heckss i cried infront of the boss! yes i did, only it wasnt interpreted purely correctly. news reached the other bosses in different form. (until now, i think i am misunderstood. but no use to explain.. people wont get it.. ). but indeed i cried for different reasons, mixture of feelings at the time. but the bottom line.. i was young and didnt think for a long term, all i had was this idealistic faith in myself, that i eventually would be able to do the 'impossibles' that i'd figure out ways, that i have a long time ahead to prepare myself.. all i wanted was to reach my dream, i wanted to study abroad and it was the only way..little that i realised or considered: do i have the tinniest bit of interest? am i or will i eventually be doing this out of L.O.V.E? little did i realise that even the tiniest bit of dream has a big big price to pay..

time went by.. all i felt was less and lesser love fr it. although it had a lot of impacts in my life; the way it shaped my thoughts, my personality, opened up my mind, opportunities, most importantly the way it made me do the things i never thought i could... i could never thank them enough.. it was.. priceless..

but i couldnt find that love, the undying love that no matter what i will hold on, no matter what i will do this, no lautan api direnangi as such... i couldnt find it in me.. i couldnt be happy with this..

i... am not walking towards happiness. i always asked myself: why do i have to do this? i am not built fr this. i dont have the ability to do this....

i didnt regret having to experience the past 4yrs.. didnt regret pursuing that tiniest bit of dream.. it was wonderful, i learned a lot about life, amongst many other things.. i was happy.. (altho nd tjumpa love happy ever after yet:p).. if i could turn back time, i wouldnt want to miss those 4 yrs.. but its just disturbing that i feel so unable to pay back, to do what i have to do, so unhappy fr the longterm price i have to pay..

ive always wanted to find way out but didnt have the courage to do so, and yes, nada duit:p and yes, i dont think thats fair.. thats not fair fr them,especially.. and fr a lot of people.. fr a lot of sides.. i might be perhaps, merely selfish..


choosing PG wasnt repeating the same 'mistake'.. i wanted to do PG just so i could buy time, i could prepare more.. because PG i know will be a challenging journey.. i will find myself, prove myself.. and i have a year to prepare physically and mentally.. but most importantly, so that i have time to clear my mind and accept this, accept what is meant to be fr me.. accept my path..

i am now setting my mind to do this, not thinking 'a way out' as an option..

didnt they say, forget about questioning whether or not u make the right choice.. instead, whatever ur choice is, make the best out of it..

and so, im reaching to make the best out of my choices..

one more important thing.. sungguh saya seorang yg banyak berhutang, and im gonna give my all to pay back.. (altho i can hardly pay back.. ever..)

im holding on to fact, that one will never be burdened by the things they cannot do.. "la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha" -firman Allah.

and that, whatever path is destinied fr us, its because HE knows there's not better path than that, thats the BEST fr us..

Allahu a'lam. we just have to have unconditional faith in HIS plan.. :)