ako ako ikaw ikaw

hmm. guess, what we say reflects our heart? slash our mood in certain certain time.. dunno. not really. honesty, is what i thought i lack of.....

(u know.. like how ur feelings are reflected by the way u play musical instrument...)

talking bout music, that one time, i remember.. my violin teacher told me how good i am at violin, as a newbie-i think he meant that way-.. he said, he was gonna make me perform in the end of semester festival. i was shocked. i refused. i made a lot of excuses.. yet, he still insisted on what he was saying.. "you cannot say no. im the one who decides. its not up to you. when they ask who will perform from my class, i will mention you" . it made me feel like it was true.. it made me want to believe him that i was good when in fact, i didnt even see myself being close to "okay"..

for i thought, the other reason he insisted was.. it would be interesting to have a non local perform.. and ofcourse, i thought he was just being sweet and did his role as a teacher-motivate the students..

but still.. i was happy.. but i didnt show how happy i was, hearing such things from him-for i never thought i could even do it properly-, that moment, i thought it was so worth it i felt like screaming yet i never even admitted i was grateful.. i didnt even want to believe him, still i dont, because i am afraid that i'd be such a fool, believing such ridiculous-untrue comments.. because im afraid to be hurt if its not true.. and some other reasons, maybe.. maybe its confidence, maybe its honesty that i lack of.. or maybe the ego is overprotective, or maybe im just scared... why cant i accept all that i feel and cherish the feelings? and let them show.. if im happy, then what i say, what i do should at least match what i feel inside... no?

sure i think complicated. when there are short cuts, i go the long road.most of the time, i am unable to put things, to put my thoughts, in simple words...... or so i think..

whenever i share my story here, whatever i write here.. i always hope that whoever reads them will be able to learn at least the tinniest bit of them.. i always hope that i will be able to learn something from all these too..

i dont really care if people read what i write.. im the one who put it up on public.. you will judge me too.. i know.. but.. im hoping, the main reason wouldnt be "fun to look at someone betraying their own privacy".. (awu eh, i sadar tu you.. revealing my stories, revealing myself.. both good and stupid sides.. if not much obvious stories puuun; tpi byk dh kali:p.. but klw nda byk yg obvious-puzzle-solved-i-know-everything punnn...at least there is a story-a privacy in each and every word;p)

but..notice i put the word "really" before care? muahaha. means, i do care, even just a bit.. otherwise, i wouldnt have mentioned it here " i dont care-i dont care"- the fact that i mentioned it, probably means that i do care.. its just.. "care is less than dont care" apakn kau aniii;p

i just hope, we both learn... and we both find sincere reasons...

ehh buang masa eh, bh slamat maju jaya ;p