just the way you are...

ouch.. i feel.. somehow weak.. so weak that i trembled.. and all i wanna do is lay down.. (luan jua eh:p) naa, i mean.. its like my body is lacking of something2.. iron kh tu, rest kh tu.. hmm. whatever. :p

i managed to try making full use of my 37 days in brunei.. it wasnt that great, it wasnt that fulfilling.. but.. i feel like i appreciated every moment that i spent.. it was totally holiday, where i got to spend most of my time with my family, playing with the kids, went around places, laughed a lot (and equally ive become so penyamal. wonder why:p), went to eat foods i was craving for-food i love.. it was like.. i didnt have all the care in the world.. or all the worries in the world.... i.. managed to feel every moment.. and i love feeling that way.. :) living, feeling, appreciating every little thing i did, every moment that im in.. i think its the best holiday that i had in a long time! :) although.. its a little upsetting that i didnt have enough time to do everything that i wanted.. didnt have much time to meet everyone that matters.. anyways, it was a great short 37 days!! (bisai jua bh kali skajap sja HOLIDAY ku atu, knowing how little time i had, i became more appreciative! i think.. :D)

and spending my time with the kids was fun.. (last two years i dont feel like i spent enough time with them.. i.. dont know how that happened. i had like 3 months!! or its just.. i was not living, feeling those every little moment.. and so, i forgot how it felt like to be there.. all i remember was not being there.. sigh sigh, bad aunt:p)

anyway, i remember having these conversations with my nieces (byk plg lagi that i remember, but for now, i'l just share these)

one with Adek, 7yrs old:
me: "dik, adik dpat nombor brapa kn dskulah?"
adik: "hehehe adik dpat nombor 8, kalau skulah agama dpat nombor bebelas2"
(alai, her sister 8yrs old menyampuk): "eh kdg2 ia dpat nombor ahir2 tu. skulah pagi drg 13 org sja"

me: "wah nmbur 8 wh??numbur last2?knapa ya dik??adik malas ah. bagi malu eh adik ani..."
adik: "nda. adik mana malu. biar tia adik nombor lapan. nombor ahir2. adik happy. yg penting adik happy"

yes, i laughed at that. she was just a little kid and she gave me that kind of answer. i thought kids would normally be silent or say things like "i will do harder and get number one" like that...

yes, i laughed at that because i felt something inside.. like.. what would she know about happiness.. i feel some kind of jealousy.. how could she be that carefree.. free-spirited.. how could happiness already be her priority.. when i myself, so many times is afraid of what i would lose for happiness.. how could she not be afraid of the cost of happiness.. (falling at the back like that, getting the last position in class is a cost at her age, and yet she said she doesnt care, as long as she is happy) oh my, that makes me jealous much. that, i might as well call courage!

i know i know, looking from other angles, she is in danger.. thinking that kind of way, but looking at MY ANGLE at this age, at this age of-decisions-are-hard-to-make, im inspired...

because.. because ive always known that my priority is happiness.. where i can live the way that i want, where im so carefree, so careless, so full of life, no rules, no important responsibilities.. like, just me.. and those i love. but.. success and happiness have always confused me. and so are many other things. happiness is hard to define. i only know it when i feel it. and somehow i think i know how, i know when.. but i just cant seem to define it... and.. i just dont know how to make decisions, how to be there... i.. dont know. i dont know and i am not courageous enough..

now go to conversation two with alai, 8yrs old:
alai: "knapa mesti ada urat?"
me: "ah? urat?"
alai: "awu bh, urat arh badan manusia"
me: "emmmmm.. anu bh, spaya utk darah bjalan dlm bdan bh tu. ia lalu pakai urat atu"
alai: "knapa mesti ada darah?"
me: (dlm ati: ishhhh) "utk idup"
alai: "knapa mesti idup?"
me: (errrr. knapa ah?) and so, i was silent.

knapa mesti idup? both in islamic perspective and life perspective... i just thought i was hard to explain it to a 8yrs old kid spontaneously.. for ive always had clashes within me of my purpose in life... all i know is that.. there is an answer to that in islamic way.. :)

and minutes after that i only manage to say.. "alai ada blajar science psal darah, psal urat ani kh?"
alai: "emm balum"
me: "oh. u'l find the answer soon about the urat"
alai: "bila? year brapa?"

she is curious, and she loves learning. that is a great thing. the two sisters are just different from each other. haha. one is so carefree and funny (adik is funny bnrnya. hehe) and the other is book-type, successful-like and more serious. i dont mind much.. if they keep on being themselves when they grow up.. they'll find success in their own different-beautiful way.. and i'l always pray fr their success and happiness! :)

and.. so, again, hai cairo! im back.