achhoo

this is not good. i am unwell. atu tarus2. all it takes is sneezing every 2mins. and it gives that mcm lump inda jua lump rasanya arh lihir. and ingus putih cair yg mngalir sndirinya :p

my head feels so heavy now. and leher sakit. tarus2 sungguh eh. i need to swallow panadol and i need a good sleep. feww~ awal ku tidur tonite.

nutty chocolate

eiii that nutty chocolate drink is so eiyye. tpi more than half jua ku minum. syg jua duit tu mn tarus ku buang kali? :p its a mix of frozen yoghurt, hazelnut, milk, chocolate kali.. but didnt expect yoghurtnya atu pekat brabis. i said "mcm susu bangas ada jua rsanya ani" and i wasnt kidding. when housemate tasted it, she agreed 120% :p

something crossed my mind earlier today.. remember how difficult i thought it was fr me, being the only girl wearing hijab in class, while my courses are the sensitive ones? then i got used to it bit by bit.. the only thing i dont like is the fact that being the only one wearing tudong means im so noticeable. wlw th urg inda ingat mukaku kiranya, they know my existence.. they remember me.. they can easily remember what i said and did.. and possibly im the only one yg btudong ambil this program this yr, that means.. whatever subject i take, they know the tudong girl is me. but to my advantage, the lecturers remember me easily, in a blink of an eye:p bnr eh. hehe. hmm i can tolerate sensitive topics, i swallowed and blocked them well. and i am quite used to being different. (tpi klw new class nd plg siuk tu, masih jua krasahan 'being different' atu). but.. that talk show day, one of the groups picked the women rights treaty topic one. this treaty has conflicts with many muslim countries and shariah.. (ah kana google, smpai ni ke mari eh..), then one of them acted as a muslim woman, portraying an expert of shariah law. nothing was really wrong in her speech. its just she opined that islam should not be interpreted in the traditional way.. which partly could be true jua kn, depending on methodology and that 5 principles of shariah (one of them: hukum berubah mngikut peredaran zaman) BUT then, caranya pun mesti lurus, inda bleh contradict sama hukum islam yg ada dalil jelas. pokoknya jgn kn tesecular2, temodern2 sukati.. caranya mesti jua lurus. she didnt mention any sensitive or wrong thing, i think, she did not elaborate more. but its just... somehow it hurt me..  antah ah.. antah..

mana th jua ia expect kali ada urg di class atu yg ada background shariah.. atau they wont even care if they know.. and that session wasnt opened to Q&A.. lagipun she didnt say anything wrong, although maybe lack of deep understanding... inda plgku tau if bnrnya ia atu muslim ah.. if she is, then she should have elaborated more in what ways islam should not be interpreted in traditional way.. what the limitations are..

aah.

1.5

alhamdulillah that was my final class for the first semester. yay!! i made it. well consider made it, although i have one more assignment. legal memorandum. but thats alright. i have time, i think. hehe. and im positive about it.

so.. todays presentation or more of a "tv show" or talk.. it was okay. didnt have time to be nervous, mainly because i was sooo wanting for this to be over. magic laah aku inda nervous atu. ihihih. and my group, the one i talked about dulu.. turned to be okay :)

and i got a pretty good mark for the test. only lost 5.25 marks. but i dont know about others? didnt ask..  im happy fr the mark, although i targeted a loss of 5. but thats close enough. alhamdulillah. and i need 13, or maybe 14 more marks to have a distinction. hopefully!! amin amin mudahan th dpat distinction.

tadaa daa my 1.5 months holiday (plus one 5000) starts NOW! iyeha yeha. happy pyyy pyyy

hols already!

housemate said lets go to warm sunny place this holiday. cold weather is no fun. then we (joked), what place can we afford now? i was thinking, my class ends next tue, 29 may. my nxt sem starts on 16 jul.. so thats 1.5month hols!! klw kn balik sampat.. haha. ada plg essayku due 20th june, but that can be managed, i think. but doubt i want to balik.. think i'd want to spend the money go travel instead? entah? hehehe.

anyways. i ended up searching - quite seriously- papua new guniea!! haha. psal ia the nearest to aussie, and weather hot and wet. and i think, the place is awesome wlwpun mcm brijap sikit. tpi siuk!! skali mahal jua. consider murah lh.. but time budget tight ani jnth bagai2 bnr:p then i was thinking, if papua can make me excited, then i suppose i can find similar kind of trip in sydney. and then yes, i spent my day browsing. and im super super excited!! siuk!! wanna do the adventure one. costly jua masih, but.. under 500...... and klw aku, i am sure its worth it. oh no, i cant wait fr tues, 8pm!! abis class!! then i can browse brabis. and buat essay and plan my hols! cant wait cant wait. :p

one more

ah well. had my losc final class today. spatutnya our presentation day. but luckily, ada 'miracle', aku inda tekana. hebat. didnt quite expect that at the beginning. but since we 5 org opted the assigned case, therefore inda payah present, discuss sja. atupun discuss yg brabut. pasal drg lain yg pilih tajuk sndiri batah present. baik th tu drg batah ah, inda juaku ampit. haha. bnrnya wlwpun tajuk sama, masih plg jua patutnya present (but not sure individual or group), tpi psal masa kali~~ inda jadi~~

well, examining the case.. haha.. earlier on, when i chose the course, i was like redha sja yg course ani requires presentation. i was okay. cool. i'll do it. and one day, i was wishing.. silently, half-joking but somehow believing: "aah who knows miracle happens, and inda jadi presentation?" then masa first day class cakap tia lecturer ani, ia tpksa cancel one class psal ia ada seminar. therefore our final class (presentation day) kna postpone kn tu, yatah katanya klw class postpone andangnya uni punya regulation student inda datang atu inda papa. tpi klw bulih dtg. and that day ia make sure kmi available utk dtg this date. so i was... very close to miracle. and then i wished again. 'that was close. but i wonder.. if miracle still happens. i wish!!' skali seeeeeee... miraclenya, wlwpun today jadi presentation and aku inda iskip school.. and i was boleh lh ready with my slideshow and all... skali... INDA TEKANA!! wow. that was so a miracle. hehhehe. alhamdulillah. :)

tues. another presentation. i think this time no miracle ni. unlikely, instinct kn miracle pun nada aura2nya. hehehe. and thats gonna be my final class fr this sem!!! now i feel so gagas kn buat losc punya assgn. psal msa discussion tdi,kna cucuk2 smangat kn mbuat th ku nh. while its still panas. haha. nnti lupa boring tia :s but no, i cant. i have to do my tues's presentation first...

send another contrymate doing the same course mcm aku eh this next sem!!! boringku 'sorang'. haha. jelesku wh urg thai ckap bahasa sndiri sma2 dorng di class atu. chinese apa catu.. siuk!! and in a way, having that kind of someone around will boost up confidence and keselesaan dan juga smangat. seh. bnr ni bnr. aku ani, ada mlayu indon pun ckap urg putih th jua kmi ani. ah maybe i should have pretended aku fluent bahasa drg sja, so that drg bawa aku ckap mlayu. haha. did try to speak malay with each other tpi blalih tia ke inglis. i asked "can u speak standard malay" -- "no" aaala~ and its.. hardly gonna be the same with someone from the same place jua...

bh. bh. thats the end of today. esuk ku buat kraja lgi.. insyaAllah.. :)

ellloo-aie-sii

hmm kind of disappointed with my LOAC mark. my friend sms me, asked about my mark.. and at that time, i didnt know ada sudah mark atu. mun inda bh, esuk kali ku mncek email. i was di ujung2 pintu udah kn jln skulah, but then the sms made me nervous, i had to check my email awal atu jua... got a credit, and possibly a total grade of credit. (could be a pass, but mudahan th credit. amin). inda encouraging eh LOAC anieh.. haha. i know, my heart wasnt in it when i wrote the piece.. but i kind of worked hard for it.. eventhough i only used 2weeks of the 4 wks given, but i worked hard. yes. and i dont have regret.. mcm no 'ah i should have worked harder' :) *i think.heheh* i hit the wrong button, half legal-ish issues and half legal and factual background. 'backgrounds' are not good for law subjects. wasted amount of words talking those less-relevant points. but then, i have to take it easy on myself, its my first pure law essay.. obviously there are a lot of rooms for improvement. thats a good learning point to do law essay better nxt time. aaah and pilih tajuk sendiri is sometimes digging your own grave.. haha. spent too much time trying to pick a topic, too much time to try to centralise your topic and give a focal point.. so yeah, byk kn di baca, and susah mau focus lah. essay atu aku kpayahan and mngalih lh.

i did principles of IL essay plg before ani, but it was... sadang2 pure law lh. its more like sources of law and principles2... and the other one politics of IL, thats politics and 20% law.

"know the facts/issues.. know the law/provisions.. then apply the law to the issues" as simple as that (simple taya krg)

nah one subject udah confirm inda distinction. but its okay, i have no regrets. wlw disappointed sikit. aah and know what? LOAC th yg ku bubut2 ni among all the other courses. i wanted to study LOAC so bad. mcm iatah reason ku kmari ni. hahaha. so.. i think u could understand my disappointment. but i'll move on, and will try to nail other papers.

firman Allah: "La-in shakartum La-Azidannakum"

lalu.. jadilah org yg bersyukur.. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah :)

ah and todays test!! i thought its okay lah but inda cukup masa.. it would have been better if the time were longer. mudahan th lawa, distinction markahku. amin amin

yoho

damn i feel bad about every little thing. and the feelings are heightened by... aku kan uzur. wooh nasib i already did my 'major' weeks of essays submission. ada plg sbuting lgi, but thats next month. enough time fr me to recover and get well. hih hih hih. insyaAllah. but then, i am facing my presentations weeks time the bad guys strike. bad mood th ku. boring. that'll affect a lottt of things. kraja pun bleh affected.

i am so grateful that the past two or three weeks had been good to me. and i was all positive and kind of happy. that makes things run smooth. made me complain less, show more gratitude, menerima apa adanya.. hehehe and most importantly, i love the way i did the "take each day as it comes" ah sweet! heaven! i wish i were like that everyday :) *hey, im working towards that:p*

actually, i am so excited to see what i'll become by the end of this year. cant wait to see if i'll change (fr good, fr worse) or something? cant wait to see if i really gained something, cant wait to see if i can apply in life, the things learned.. cant wait to see if i can do this master well or not.. just excited! and its exciting too, to find out that you're able to say that you've grown up now even when last yr you thought you've already grown up enough. (aah thats so expected actually. haha) when u look back, then u realise how immature u were? hmm nice feeling. both nice and inda lah. now u feel old and burdened with more responsibilities!

i know tmorrow aku test. but i feel -somehow- cool and relaxed. hmm. and so, im just gonna browse my old stuff in this blog, just to remind me who i really am.. :)

55% happy

haih why did i turn my head at that exact moment, why why why that moment? i was making my way up the stairs, antar assgn, 30mins to deadline.. i dont know why, i turned my head.. instinct? or was there a kind of noise, sound.. something? and there he was. this indo friend of mine. sadly, this guy stole my time (macam now) to wander my mind towards him. indalah, its just i hate myself fr making things awkward-errr. i thought aku kjiwa ia seemed to avoid me. but i avoided him also.. i know he knew that i knew he was there, but i pretended not to see him, moved somewhere far, kept my distance away. why? knapakn klw kn bcakap "hows ur essay?" sajaa? whats wrong with saying hi?? bida aku atu eh... he must think that im weird :( and i already feel bad bout myself when i thought things get awkward, and now, i feel much worse.. what kind of person i am? what kind of personality does these thingsss. sasakku eh. sasak.. arh myself.. i am mean. and i am cold. and i am weird. yes. i am bad. :(

on the bright side though, 4000words (ticked!!) yay alhamdulillah. 3 classes to go. tmorow test, but now rehatku dulu. krg baca. and.. 2 presentations left. eh eh and one essay. then cuti cuti :)

i think ive put quite an effort in these particular essays. emm altho, i spent like 1week saja fr both ques (bandingkan dgn the other essays, yg ani ni i spent less time) but i put my heart in these! and they are centered to one topic and case, yatah the materials kn dibaca atu mcm concentrated arh the same articles/books. so i'd say... maybe its easier but 'easy' is tricky. its easy to lose marks too. so yeah, i put my heart in them, and put a huge huge amount of hope.. i hope i'd score well. before ani, i hope to score well jua, but not this kind of hope. this one, its the kind that'll break my heart if i didnt get what im hoping for. hoo, mudahan th distinction. amin amin

aah, someone just moved in upstairs. sagaainyaa, awal2 dtg udah tia labuk2 radio. lawa plg lagu2nya. lawa eh, tpi mun lurus ku stress, marah juaku kali.. hmm.

bh. im both happy and.. sad.. that guy punya psal. he made me reflect my personality. reflect how bad i am.. sodihku.. :'(

by far

this is by far the worst assignments. havent finished my second essay. and i have to re-do my first one. because while reading fr the second one, i found materials fr the 1st Q and i feel like i need to 'amend' my essay.

i should be, ideally, editing now. and if i were already inserting footnotes, then i'd be good enough fr now..  but that doesnt seem the case. haiya.

guess i wont be sleeping tonite :s

Ello-ess-siii

i.. emm.. could sense a spark of.. excitement to go to class esok! yay. *surprisingly!! and superr magically!!* hahaha. altho siiikiit sja the "excitement".. eh wait, i think.. i suspect, this feeling does not amount to excitement, but... its the absence of a total reluctance!! hahaha. aku jarang dh ada class bh, yatah whenever ada class, rasa brabis inda mau skulah.. biasa lah, mcm lapas holiday/lapas weekend malas kn rsanya skulah/kraja bakas cuti tu... but for me, it happens consistently almost fr each day yg ada class lah msani.. :p i'd be so reluctant.. sasak.. malas.. annoyed.. nda mau.. but yeah, tmorrow mcm "MAU" th ku kn ke class ah. its a 9am-5pm class. the killing intensive classes. its the third class fr this course - lawofthesea LOSC- and this week, its in a new lecture room and cigunya bukan jenis yg brabis bombard students with soalan.. so i can relax jua lah msa blajar, no need to be alert every second! (but thats not without a price... bnr eh inda byk kna soal2 directly, tapiii in return, kna asak arah group work and presentation. hohoho. group work done, present lagi. nxt week. so i hope tmorrow relax saaaja)

im in "positive" mood/behaviour awal ani, maybe psal ive got a "positive-full-of-diplomacy" memo outline feedback tadi.. and yeah, that boost up a little bit of confidence and happy happeieeh mood in me. and im kinda miss the class. kana off-kan, gap-kan, delay-kn two weeks... so yea, havent been in LOSC fr two weeks, so tmorrow's a new day. cewwaah.

well i better hope tmorrow's OKAY.. and everything banyaaak bagus and i btambah2 baik mood.. no bad feelings or bad kjadian esuk.. amin amin..

raw draft

it turned out, surprisingy, i dont really have to "hibernate" myself on my study desk the wholeeee day. surprisingly jua, i enjoyed writing this piece. it was somehow not that difficult to reach 2000! paling stress th essay yg before ani.. payahku mikirkan. haha. and the last nite one pun payahku kn reach 2000.

but i am well aware that this is a draft. a very raw draft. cakap melayu sopan lagi:p and points ku pun i bet balik2 ni. and karang time edit, 1800 would possibly become 1500. (kadang2 jadi labih dari original word plg tapinya... hehhe. but slalunya tekurang lah)

and seeing how macam smooth my way reaching 1000+ this time, i am kind of afraid. haha. i was saying to myself "this cant be right. antah2 ada something wrong ni" na'uzubillah. hehehe. u know, like.. what if.. what IF im out of the context, what if i go melarat2 and waste the amount of words, what if im writing something yang bukan Ques mau?? tuuuu nah, "paranoid" much:p thats a kind of feeling i cannot escape while doing these things. but i'l just have to take the risk and go with what i think is right.. i mean, if i got the chance to ask the lecturer, i would. but jarang lah i got the opportunity to go through my points or draft with the lecturer. and given im a last minute person, nada lagi tetanya in detail. hehe.

so anyway. i think i could finish this part of Q by tonight. and tmorrow, i'll go through the next ques. that'll be tougher psalnya aku balum ada bombardment of thoughts fr that one. and no solid references yet. bh bleh th ku masak2 and liat tibi ni dulu!! yeaaa. haha (btw, jam laptopku atu jam Brunei. now this place is two hours laju-er)

continuation:p

..see more: (=p)

i dont like to be friends or to be near or to be involved with smart people. they intimidate me.

it makes me think, its easier to like (or to the extent 'fall for') people who are flawed. who are able to show they are flawed. who are imperfect, because only then i am able to show "hey look, im not perfect too. so u dont have to worry or hide who you are" only then i am able to be myself and accept my imperfections. i dont have to pretend like im a better someone than who i really am.

in the other post, i said i cant even last two minutes -comfortably- in a close proximity with a man, boy, guy.

i'll tell you again next time. i really need to sleep, and so i can hibernate and dedicate my time to my next task. i'll bangun awal esuk. banar. haha. insyaAllah. best of luck, to me, to you all.  we sama2 pray fr each other. :)

honest voice haha:p

oh this is fun. it hit me. i said, if this journey is meant fr me to just find myself, to just learn the side things.. then be it.

ive learned A LOT these two months. yes. i learned what i CAN actually do and what i... am lacking. i learned my weakness, i learned my strength. altho not all, ofcourse. haha. as i said, from my way of writing essay, i learned that i am someone who most of the time keep things to myself, see things through my eyes and my eyes only.. and then expect others to GET me, to understand me. how? haha. i should learn to be more accessible :)

i learned that im slow to fit in. i knew it a long time ago. only certain people are able to hit my right button and make me comfortable with them easily. i hate that. i hate that part of me. who is awkward with others.. who cant really fit in and open up... i hate that kind of introvert-ness in me.. i wanna throw that away and in trying to do so, its.. even harder and inda siok and lagitah awkward to try to be someone you are not.. people tend to have negative perception on that kind of personality. majority have a good vibe, impression on extrovert and hate introvert and funnily enough i listen to that voice inside my head and wanna "change for the better" but.. im beginning to embrace that introvert or not fitting in is not always a bad thing.. and somehow... im beginning to embrace myself and all i wanna be is myself.. embracing ur "negative" self is not easy, its a slow process.. and im kind of happy im in that process now :)

thats one or two specific things.

more? emm.. oh, im someone who cant articulate my words very well. i stumbled upon words and have a hard time trying to make people understand what i am saying (ani verbally ni) and at times i think they just go "aaa apakan ia cakap ani.ksian jua" haha

im not a volunteering person. im a chicken. and not confident. i cant even raise my hand, volunteer my opinion, ask Q, im super nervous while answering and talking. malu-malu yg barigali. basically lack of confidence lah tu. i'll shine only when i feel nobody else can take it and that time i feel like i can. when no body else can come forward and i feel like i can. when i feel forced (tapiiii kdgnya klw forced tapi andang bnar nda tau, atu mcm si talur juaku rasanya tu... lagi trok. baik plg malu2 brigali atu tu eh. hehehe). that lack of confidence, i dont know how to fix it. i thought i come here, i thought ive been through a lot of things so that i can gain confidence over the time. but see, sampai ani inda jua bh. hahah. that lack of confidence has put me behind.. has prevented me from shining.. has been holding me back and will always hold me back.. i dont like that part of me and havent been able to embrace that part of myself, all i wanna be is more.. but but interestingly, sometimes i kind of like and embrace that jua eh! hahaha antah kau.. aah i think i am ok with it and like it most of the time but HATE the way it holds me back and imprisoned my potentials! but anyway, ive always known that part of me and now its just highlighting it..

what else? that things are POSSIBLE. that we all have potentials we dont realise. that we often underestimate ourselves. that we can do far more than we thought we can..

and hardwork usually paid off!

im learning to believe... to keep on believing.. :)

oh and learned that you are what your thoughts made you of. (dont listen to the negative voices, they'll only be translated -unconsciously- in what you do and who u are and how u carry yourself. believe like a kid! ow i wish i could!)

just so i'd remember to hold onto this fr the rest of the journey: i think what motivates me this time is the fact that ive always thought im the worst in class, that im so inadequate, that they knew everything while i have known nothing.. and so, im fighting to at least be in the same line with them..

and within me, there is this deep deep thing in me.. i wanna change the world. haha. u know, when ure good enough, they will publish ur essay? and when im that good enough, and when i get published... i can slowly slowly change the world.. because i believe u can change how others think, u can change the world with ur words!! with what youre saying... so in silently wanting to get published... i tend to.. want to write better. it seems less possible, i know, dont judge me. but if thats what makes me work harder, if thats what motivates me, if thats what keeps me going.. then let this little girl dream.. :)

i came here, i wanted to do this because i wanna prove something... wanna prove that i can.. (and yes be ready fr asgar training and just.. get a peace of mind..)

i learned this one thing, i think its one of my strength jua.. its the way i emm.. inclined to define success as.. able to do something that i thought i couldnt do.. and then all that it does is creating.. someone who keeps on trying and trying.. someone who wants to be more than she is.... i mean not in a bad way though, not in the way i wanna change who i am. not that im not grateful.. but its just there are times and certain things.. that i cant stand the way people see me, as if they have the right to label another person's capability, ability and all that.. as if they can define another person.. as if they can judge you, as if thats the limit you can ever be and ever do.. no, i wanna prove u wrong.. and thats how it makes a part of who i am... 

but dont get confused there, i define happiness in other ways. completely different from success. (thats why its hard fr me to make choices in life.. go fr happiness, or go fr success?) altho yeah, those two have a meeting point where they intersects.. hehehe.

bh panjang eh. will write down lagi nanti what i learned in this journey. so that i wont forget fr the rest of my life! haha :)

yay slippery again :)

i dont know what im feeling. mcm unsettled. like "i did bad"kind of feeling. even when barangkali other people wont even see me that way, u know? rasa2han... (but could be true jua~)

and.. happy too! got my second essay.. emm first major essay (45% of total marks), the other time was optional essay 25%.. but balum lah lagi major ni. wait fr the 6000ish ones. atu 80-90% total marks tu. emm anyway, got a thin slippery distinction (again!). oh last time forgot to 'edit and update' my post arh blogger. actually, magic happened. i got exactly one mark extra, kana tambahi, when i desperately wanted it!! didnt ask from the lecturer, i said nothing about my mark. huu i was sooo amazed by... i dont know.. like, the power doa, the power of... a sincere wish. it humbled me, touched me.. within that tertimbus sincerity of wish (u didnt even expect that to happen because the chance is so slim but u felt that kind of 'hurt/pain' inside, u just wanted it to happen) and and i was just amazed and humbled by kuasa Allah.. hehehe. banar. HE listened to your silent sincere prayers... and even when you didnt get what you wanted, you're actually given even BETTER things but you didnt realise, you didnt appreciate it enough. memang hamba kurang besyukur. huhu.

Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

emm so i got two different essays with the SAME mark. i bet my essay is the kind of okay but not good enough but then not to give a 'just-passed-distinction' mcm kasian and alang2 th jua, yatah kana bagi saja.. heheh. but im grateful. given the way i estimate by capability and lack of experience thing... im just too lucky to get such a grade. and im happy! its like ive always hoped and wanted to get a distinction but seems unable to, but then dapat... and so, its.. good enough.. fr now.. fr me.. alhamdulillah

i feel good about the marks, because like i said "didnt know (i) could read politics..." (and law and those things) haha

now im aiming to get a full distinction fr each course! hehehe. mudahan sja. amin amin

our disTn is 75-84 and then high distinT 85+.. so yeah slippery. and not thaat good? the comment says "u have to explain more. u cant let ur readers guess what youre trying to say or refer to your references in order to understand what youre trying to say" i think thats a lot do with those politic terms and my selfishness (pkirmu smua urg th bpkir mcm kau bpkir tu and hence they faham apa kau cakap? pkirmu dorang baca apa yg kau baca and paham apa yg kau paham. oh no, u silap. haha). and yes, think got to do with my personality jua.. mcm ada certain things about myself i may hide or certain depth in what im saying and EXPECT people to actually GET me. hmmph. prnah jua si wani komen my one article (that time i asked her opinion mna satu should i publish fr boss's web) then she said mcm incomplete article ku atu, "u cant expect your readers to read ur mind!" hmmmph. so? yes. hahha

emm got a 4000 words next. of the same case, but different questions. so 2000 and 2000. i have... 5 days left! balum ku start!! just bombardment of thoughts! fr the 1st Q!

gotta 'hibernate' myself fr the next task. wish me luck! =)

yiii~

yeay. esuk due.. kalau wise action, should be editing sajaa now... tapi biasalah, i last minit. hehe. can see the photo? im coming to conclusion.. hihihi. and its already 5500, footnotes alum masuk. so its a confirmed 6000-7000. tapi isinya alum tau relevant kah inda smua2nya. hahaha. antam sja dude. slalunya essay ku awal2 page banyaaak machoo, ujung2nya gagas and out2 tia. hehehe.

sikarang, i did the conclusion already. tapi footnotes, references and some final editing-s alum... those footnoting, referencing, editing are not to be underestimated.. bataaaah and sangaaal jua nihh..

but after esuk, then tinggal 2 essays, 2 presentations and and.. emm.. 4 classes left. cant wait! :)

sploaasshh

saya jadi loyar terjun laaa..

reading cases, trying to understand how to write legal memo, i find myself smiling beneath all the stresses. funny sometimes how i came to tejerumus in this kind of world. funny to see myself working out these things. just cali.. cali in a way, nda jua sinis but almost; in a kind-soft-constructing way though. hihi

i gotta admit, right now, like right now... i feel amazing. hahaha. nadalah, not in the mroyan2 thing way:p.. just, regardless how much i complained, how inadequate i often feel.. its actually amazing how these short two months (coming three) taught me a lot of things i have never had a peek through before =)

as inadequate as i feel, nevertheless i do gain something. gained a lot of things, to be fair. never knew politics could possibly be read (=p), never knew world affairs could be err.. understood? (=p), never thought law could be.. fun (tpi yeah jahat the workloads).. it was like, in 2010 i never thought i could read the language of music notes within one month. and now, never thought i'd be able to read and strecthed my nerves trying to understand the language of law. given my so-lack-of experience, ive thrown myself into the uncomforting world. the unknown. and i'd still produce my 2000-6000 words babies. (never wrote an essay msa undergrad, and hence u should understand my suffering, having to be at least at the same line with those who did hundreds of essays and thousands of memo, millions of experience..), i'd have to learn writing memo in 30mins... learn everything in the shortest given time (adding to that is my limited capacity of understanding and slow-mo reading capability and conservative-self.haha) and everything else, let it go with the flow. everything else.. tawakkaltu 'alaAllah.. faith.. :)

right now, yea, right now.. i just feel lucky. and grateful.. and its all worth it..

(and tomorrow complain again=p)

but truly truly, right now, i am so grateful. alhamdulillah..

wrong move?

haru cmani ani bnr eh. walked into my class today and saw some... unfamiliar faces. woo i thot eh wrong class? but checked the room number. lurus. and saw familiar faces then... rupanya ada yg urg class esuk kna invite ke class tadi..

and then the story began. ceh. there is this coming group presentation.. and i would have preferred klw group ani kna assign2 kan sapa2 membernya so no room for regrets. but no. ada tia topik2 kna bagi, then pick what ure interested in. i should have gone easily with those familiar people yg ku biasa2.. but i didnt have idea of any of those topics except ONE. nda lgi ku snggup mngakas topik yg langsung ku nda tau time masa2 singkat ani. so i just raised my hand fr that particular topic. inda juaku tau sapa lagi yg angkat tgn psal aku duduk dpan skali. nah thats how the group kana arranged. then kna suruh mingle, then shoshosho people talking and asking sapa partner drg. including me. ooh org blakangku. these 3 women. from esuk punya class originally. yg grown up and intimidating. and dorang ani memang geng lah. i saw them arh the other class and tolong... tolong.. im kind of "scared" to be with them.

by the end of the class, my coursemate ani tnya "ko dgn siapa?" then i told them lh. theyre still unsettled psal group drg, about the topic and group members- too packed. think they might have wanted to offer me a place kali.. the group too big then maybe kn separate then me masuk, psal andang prnah jua segroup sama drg. sooo assuming that is true, kaaan i could have easily switched to them? but i didnt. and i might regret that. think i wont be comfortable arh my new group ani. tida taauu lahhh. huhu

have i made the wrong move, again?

tawakkaltu ala Allah.. mudahan th this is the most ideal choice and i'll be comfortable and okay with them and dorang inda sasak/racist/jahat arhku:p (psal drg ani already a group of friends! so im left out).. i just hope that i can fit in and function at my best! and get the task done...

amin amin.

price-better

i.. emm think im the kind of person who takes things easy. macam.. klw bida, bidalah.. biar tia, asal ada. klw randah markahku biar tia ah, asal siap. no worries, go with whatever the outcome is. i might as well call that, i believed..

i believed i could those things, in a realistic way ofcourse, antah macamana bulih.. i felt.. comfortable and calm... and relax...

but as i.. what, grow up? antah eh, lets see fr now.. i took things too hard, worry too much.. what for? i think i know what for.. but in the process, i might lose my-cool-self. klw ku cmani pun bnrnya doesnt guarantee a great outcome jua. just becoming sdikit rajin. but with that comes a lot of pressure and maybe worries and seriousness.

in trying to be a better someone, am i losing myself in the process? is that the price? (becoming better as in acquire some skills, knowledge, experience, behaviour etc all the possible things) cant i be better without... without changing the things that im comfortable with in myself?

hahaha.

but question is, am i becoming better?? or so i thought i am trying to be one. maybe im BETTER off without those things that i thought make me a better someone. yeah.

=p

cases

reading a LOSC case now. sigh. i... kind of dislike law. but not completely. emm maybe i hate the loads of work and thinking it demands but on a fair ground, its interesting. and kind of fun. tapi the thinking, reading, assessing, analysing process... argghhh mcm sodah sodah lah... tapi once the answer is "revealed" slash problem solved (not necessarily from me) klw kna jawabkan pbaik uleh classmates or the lecturer atau andang ada analysis ampai2 di buku then u go "woh yeah, this is how its done. got it. i know now. siuk!" aah tapi payah wh.... ... its just amazing, people have different different perspectives and way of thinking.. that they awed me many times. i go like "didnt think of that"

baaah lets go to bussiness....

0.1%

think to be a pro-palestinian -legally- is like going "me against the world", it'll be easier to go against the world in this thing politically... (though it'll be payah jua, but payah lagi legally)

i thought i chose the topic because yea, fr the slightest 0.1%, someone will change their mind about... about the conflict. but im in a slippery position. whatever i say puts me in that 'hot seat'. i dont wanna write something that'll make me regret saying. i cant go wrong. i cant. bedusa krg... hehehe

what have i gotten myself into? may Allah lead me to the right way.. amin. smoga dilimpahkan ilham kebenaran.. dijauhkan dari kesesatan.. amin amin

6000

today.. i am targeting a 1500. tomorrow another 1500. then 3000 more. total of 6000-7000. im running out of time. sigh. takut. and pressure.

im now at 500. 1000 to go fr today! tpi unfortunately awal2 ani easier than tangah2. esuk lh ku kepisan ni. huhu.

:s

regretssssss

ever feel like youre making all the wrong moves? and everything feels like falling apart? and u regret it all. all.

there are many things in my mind now - i shouldn't have done what i have done and done what i didnt do instead.

when i have doubts, maybe i should follow the first thought/instinct... doubts between a yes and no, i should have gone with the positive one first. yeah?

because things would have turned out differently. im not blaming fate; things happened for reasons rite?

and btw mr mata lawa was so nice. (damn he treated people kindly. u know it feels like "urg buat jahat kana balas baik?" i feel that way!!) i regreted not coming to his final class last nite. FINAL. because i was avoiding weekly q, was avoiding some people, was avoiding a lot of things. wanted to find extra time fr assgn. wanted to watch tv. yea, as stupid as it sounds like, tv. there was a part of me that wasnt tenang at all last nite. i should have come. that would change things. i should have come. i should have come!! im gonna nail your paper. im so gonna nail your paper, to make up fr my regrets.