easy to give up!

haih its soo easy to give up. why dont i just stop and refuse and mogok, just stop doing the works!! jangantah antar. jangantah datang skulah kali2!

u think i can count how many time those thoughts came across my mind??

=(

at times i'll be happy. yes. and i thought i can do this, i got it. i got the rythym. (naa. thats when i finished my assignment. thats when classku abis. when those little little excitement is in me)

but now, udahnya byk assgn, nda lagiku teklik tu cmana kn mbuat. nda lgi tau cana kn bagi masa.. ive given up jogging, given up monitoring my nutrition.. i dont wanna feel to be obliged mngadap buku, digesting whats behind the texts... i dont wanna go to the classroom, having to face a lot of "so-not-my-comfort-zone".. adding to that is unnecessary rubbish pressures (presonal-non-academic pressure!) aah, i just wanna stop holding on! yeah.

no exciting things to look forward to. no exciting things around. just.. plain and boring and stressful!

....away

i dont know how i do it, but im just good at driving people away from me :(

yea, move on

today the mark was out. my first essay. my lecturer unfortunately left my paper at his home. so i didnt actually get to see my paper, but i went to him and told him the absence of paper, that was when i got to see my mark.

as hoped, to at least gained a credit, i actually did. it was a credit, a close to a distinction actually, one mark difference. but all in all, im grateful. he was very very nice and lenient i think.

BUT BUT, having the fact that its only a one mark difference to the so desired grade, i have to admit that i am a little disappointed. plus thats gonna be the easiest ques i'll ever get in this entire journey. given the easiest and while my score was only up to that, ofcourse its tearing some bits of my heart.

adding to that, this friend of mine was always worried on her essay mark, to the point that she said she might only get a 51 marks (i was not confident on mine either, but at least i was hoping and thinking, mine could get a credit). BUT it turned out she extremely underestimated herself. she got a distinction, and i am extremely jealous. wuwuwu.

anyway. im happy with the fact that this is telling me something: i got to work harder and aim higher. say, if i got a distinction today, i might have been a little too happy, too careless to put an extra effort next time. mnatau kambang tia skali makin malas.... huhu. right? yea just say yes baby.

;p

alhamdullillah :)

housewife

if.. i can choose differently, without affecting the past chain of events in my life.. i would want, i would love to be a housewife - full time. no joking. haha.

and.. if that somehow makes (us) live uncomfortabily, no money no love, then.. i wanna work at home. be it bussiness, be it writing, be it bkabun, be it cooking.. just as long as i love what i am doing, just as long as i am my own boss. (probably cooking-based-bussiness:p)

yeah!

special sorry

when a man approaches, concentrate on three things: his eyes, his clothes, his smell. (and maybe his hair:p) then u'll figure a lot about him. i mean, a lot for first impression. fr someone u never talked to before.

anyways, i am not used to having a bunch of "men" around me..

ive always known im not good at being around "men"... i just feel awkward, and coming here, i am even more convinced that i cant even last a good seconds being in that very close proximity to a guy without feeling something, something maybe awkward. haha, dont laugh at my chicken-ness:p. hello, on the bright side, im the last conservative girl:p

chartermuuu

coming here.. i wasnt prepared. when i first came here, man, i didnt even have an idea of what xx charter is (malasku mention the specific charter, krg kna google, smpai sini:p boo:p) didnt know the existence of xx statute - im telling you, that was a bad bad thing, one wouldnt survive the program not knowing these things, these sources..

when those things were mentioned in lectures, i went confused.. where can i get that thing? what the hexx is that? haha

u gotta give me a credit fr this, fr someone not knowing anything at all to mnabakkan herself to this kind of world.. clap clap clap:p

now im getting a good smile (not yet laugh:p) remembering how much i struggled having that kind of blankness and darkness.. haha. not that im in an okay position and safe now, i need to work a lot harder than everyone else just to survive (let alone compete!) :') but anyway, alhamdulillah.. its better now.. the struggles are still there.. but at least, im getting the idea little by little! i know the charter(s) now!! hahah

like i said before, even if i cant turn to be an expert in this, (altho im aiming to at least have a good one shot graduation, ofcourse!!!), yea if i can never be good enough in this (IF IF IF:p), i think i'll be grateful enough to at least learn from what i experienced day by day, what i saw, what i felt, from the great minds in those classes, from the language of the books, from each word that is being said...

if this journey is meant fr me to just find myself, to just learn the side things, then be it... then be it.. :)

(but.. u'll still see me complaining after this! thats... human nature. im not excluded. hahaha)

im more than a bird..

essay ani essay atu essay ani lagi.. haih. how to bagi2 masa wisely eh? bnar plg, a 80-90% essay is given fr a one month task.. but... when the essays clash, its not easy to spend ur time equally and wisely.. (a 25% optional essay is a two weeks task)..

no, i dont have much free time but not totally busy lah. i have spare time to spend on tv... and daydreaming.. and facebook.. and blog.. (tpi jalan2, i dont think i can manage that) in total, i just cant get away from the worries and yet i cant make myself dedicate all my time to the pending works. this is the right time to make a wish to be a superman! banar!

cant wait to get my first essay mark. i know it wont be great, altho im hoping and day dreaming it'd be a great one but... kamon, lets be realistic deh.. haha.. i'll be grateful enough if i get a credit.. (and at the same time, a bit torn fr not getting higher;p but its not the same as saying im not grateful.. blehs:p) when i get the mark, then i can think of ways to improve myself.. :)

im bored. bored and tired of reading. i wont breathe calmly fr the next two months.. (until june 19th). june 19th, im gonna sleep the whole day. or "household therapy" manyap2 cleaning2 masak2 :) emm, but early june, i guess will be less-suffocating, since im gonna have one essay left - or maybe two at the most.

but at the moment, the overlapping works... its just... difficult to manage my time, and change my mood from one subject to another. sadang2 th sudah enjoynya satu subject ani, the next day, i have to switch to another one, because time is running out. nyehs neyhs. (like, if i ignore this one essay, how can i EVER manage to think and write 6000 words in a week?! dui wlwpun th ku becucuk bejait mata, nda tidur sminggu2 atu.. nahadai tuu)

and so... yeah, as cliche as "sabar sja" sounds like, thats exactly i-we all need :) and faith and doa and usaha and determination... and the list goes on ;p

im more than a bird~ (but not yet a superman) ;D

xodududu

dont look into my eyes, because im afraid then i cant find the strength to turn away from those eyes of yours, to even get away from the thoughts of their beauty, of the story they have to offer.. afraid that i'd want to spend forever just gazing into your eyes...

woooolomohohoh

true story true story :)

read and commented on my friend's fb status. ah well, if ure fb spectator, u know well.

from the bottomest heart;

my regret is not a secret anymore. my regret for signing up, maybe 5 yrs ago? ive always been burdened by the worry, the responsibility i have yet to carry.. all those things that i dont think i could do. heckss i cried infront of the boss! yes i did, only it wasnt interpreted purely correctly. news reached the other bosses in different form. (until now, i think i am misunderstood. but no use to explain.. people wont get it.. ). but indeed i cried for different reasons, mixture of feelings at the time. but the bottom line.. i was young and didnt think for a long term, all i had was this idealistic faith in myself, that i eventually would be able to do the 'impossibles' that i'd figure out ways, that i have a long time ahead to prepare myself.. all i wanted was to reach my dream, i wanted to study abroad and it was the only way..little that i realised or considered: do i have the tinniest bit of interest? am i or will i eventually be doing this out of L.O.V.E? little did i realise that even the tiniest bit of dream has a big big price to pay..

time went by.. all i felt was less and lesser love fr it. although it had a lot of impacts in my life; the way it shaped my thoughts, my personality, opened up my mind, opportunities, most importantly the way it made me do the things i never thought i could... i could never thank them enough.. it was.. priceless..

but i couldnt find that love, the undying love that no matter what i will hold on, no matter what i will do this, no lautan api direnangi as such... i couldnt find it in me.. i couldnt be happy with this..

i... am not walking towards happiness. i always asked myself: why do i have to do this? i am not built fr this. i dont have the ability to do this....

i didnt regret having to experience the past 4yrs.. didnt regret pursuing that tiniest bit of dream.. it was wonderful, i learned a lot about life, amongst many other things.. i was happy.. (altho nd tjumpa love happy ever after yet:p).. if i could turn back time, i wouldnt want to miss those 4 yrs.. but its just disturbing that i feel so unable to pay back, to do what i have to do, so unhappy fr the longterm price i have to pay..

ive always wanted to find way out but didnt have the courage to do so, and yes, nada duit:p and yes, i dont think thats fair.. thats not fair fr them,especially.. and fr a lot of people.. fr a lot of sides.. i might be perhaps, merely selfish..


choosing PG wasnt repeating the same 'mistake'.. i wanted to do PG just so i could buy time, i could prepare more.. because PG i know will be a challenging journey.. i will find myself, prove myself.. and i have a year to prepare physically and mentally.. but most importantly, so that i have time to clear my mind and accept this, accept what is meant to be fr me.. accept my path..

i am now setting my mind to do this, not thinking 'a way out' as an option..

didnt they say, forget about questioning whether or not u make the right choice.. instead, whatever ur choice is, make the best out of it..

and so, im reaching to make the best out of my choices..

one more important thing.. sungguh saya seorang yg banyak berhutang, and im gonna give my all to pay back.. (altho i can hardly pay back.. ever..)

im holding on to fact, that one will never be burdened by the things they cannot do.. "la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha" -firman Allah.

and that, whatever path is destinied fr us, its because HE knows there's not better path than that, thats the BEST fr us..

Allahu a'lam. we just have to have unconditional faith in HIS plan.. :)

rambut? :o

my posts lately, or for the past 300days (at least) mostly are the serious-no-fun-kind of post! either the private 'ranting' of the daysss or my serious feelings... eh, whatever happened to 'fun'? kasian. haha

maybe its the sign of growing up? :o or a sense of seorang yg boring or life is too tough and serious? nyehs.

anyway, i found lots of rambut on my room floor (oh yeah, biasa lah. bila jua rambut BINI2 ani nda beguguran mcm mngalirnya air?:p) estimated, rambut gugur a day, at least 100 kali. fact! tpi ndaku sure if lurus kh nda ingatanku atu. so lazy to check. haha. me and my sister, used to have this kind of empty, seriously pointless conversation.. the kind of which.. "if ko jadi antu, ko mau jadi antu apa?" hahah. i dont remember her answer, but mine was a perfect one: "aku antu rambut" perfect! aah if u know me, u know why. needless to describe my hair eh? because then, u'll imagine wrong.. and there goes my image... hahah. reference: the kind of antu rambut cerita antu yg keluar rambut dari sink and atap atu...

and this one day.. while still having this awesome panjang brabis hair, i went to a saloon, she then asked "andang keturunan rambut panjang kh?" i nodded, said "yes".. and then her question repeatedly played back in my mind, so i said "sorry, what did u say? keturunan rambut panjang?" and she confirmed it.. yea ofcourse i said yes to that (again). but i thought "rambut panjang is a form of keturunan? :o" kihkih. no, u dont get long hair because ur ancestors have long hair....... xp hihi forgive the form of language/sentence, i think she's not even a malay... hehe.

peace.

all you need is want it..

..the first question you should ask is not how to get there, but whether u want it or not..

because when u want something bad enough, you'll figure out ways to get it..

when i think back of my/our 'travelling' method so far, (i mean, ofkos it was step by step.. from easy to harder ways..), we'll list places that we want to go to, not thinking about how to get there.. once listed, then we figure out how.. except if its truly least possible to get there or it'd be a total disadvantage fr us and the trip then yeah, we'll have to forget it..

but point is, when u want something, want it bad enough, you wont ask about how to get it.. you'll just do it.. :)

dear time!

ciguku nda reply emailku :s i bet she's saying 'siapa suruh ahir..public hols is public hols' nyeh.

on a diff note. we were comparing our lives back in cairo with here.. we thought about those free times.. how come we had such banyaaak masa, i could bake all day. i could sleep all day. cuba resepi ani, resepi atu. liat crita ani, crita atu. heaven! haha. i know.. i know i should have done better, i should have make use of the time better.. but no regrets.. the past 4 yrs had been wonderful, perhaps the best years of my life.. (and i might be saying the same line someday "the best years of my life' :P)

and look at myself now.. i barely had time to even panyap rumah. beuras. i am so grateful my housemate masakkan dinner during those carzy days.. :') u know, balik rumah lapaaar brabis, apa jua lunch sandwich.. and when ada makanan ampai2 sudah when u reach home, u will be truly truly grateful.. sigh, mkan minum pn kdg2 cuai.. pksa buat kraja dlu baru mkan.. then we joked about the times we had in cairo... banyaaaknya masa... :') rindu!! but maybe jua time management ku nda bisai lah di sini ani.. dont know..

haiiiiyo

sudah sudah th memalukan diri sendiri ani~ :p

then be it..

sometimes.. i feel happy enough. and most of the other times, i dont like what im feeling, doing this PG. its tough. its challenging.

but i never consider giving up as an option, thats the good thing.

nevertheless, questions of regret once in awhile cross my mind...

"maybe i shouldnt have left at the first place"

"wasnt UG good enough?"

forgetting the reasons, the goals i wish to accomplished coming here...

but then...

if this journey is meant fr me to find myself... then be it.

if it is meant fr me to find my way home.. then be it.

if it is meant fr me to reflect the past that i should have corrected, then be it..

if it is meant fr me to create the future that i should change, then be it..

then be it....

amongst all the other things to put the tears on, to scream out loud about, to hate... theres gotta be a lot of things to see, to learn, to love, to be grateful for along the way..