almost mad, almost died

thats it. im not gonna do it like this anymore. i take it too hard on myself. at this rate, im gonna kill myself. bnr wh, i couldnt even sleep. psal worry, psal apa... im not sure. i tried hard. and in class, at one point -because i was too sleepy and lack of nutrient, laparku- i couldnt really hear whats the professor was saying... bnr2 mlintas sj, bnr2 ndaku mampu lagi mnangkap.

im suffering migraine, yet i couldnt even sleep properly.. yet.

i'l have to relax.... and take it easier :)

meeting my coursemates today, its good to know those great impressive people. one is becoming a judge (if she wants to be a judge, or can be just a lawyer if ia mau jdi lawyer sj), and the others inspired me a lot since this is their second sem and they already did some courses and nailed those. they didnt have legal background either. its just.... it made me wanna do this. it made me believe that i can do this :) tpiiinya ia ckap when i asked about her grades "yaaa lumayan jugalah, tpi studynya mesti kuat juga" hmmm..

week 5 to 6

exhausted. i dont know if i can take this... i dont know...

if i survive week 6, i can survive anything......

(i guess, il be saying that a lot in the future)

"if i survive this and that, i can survive anything..."

he-yo

i remember how nervous i was an hour to minutes before my first class and during my first class. and now, i fell into a pattern.. a bittersweet pattern... and i think, i am okay with that.

but there is another new class this friday and im not prepared. im scared. haha. tpi bnr, im super nervous. i am super scared.

its fun.. if fun is the word, having the rollercoaster of the weeks.. the weeks are not consistent, they arent always bitter, they arent always happy. isnt life like that? but yeah.. the feelings are just so weirdly vividly distinguishable. hmm

i like unpredictability.. the more unexpected things are, the more i like it. but yeah, there are "good and happy" unpredictability, and the sad-bad ones. there are "pleasant surprises" and there are the killing ones... but that way, i guess, thats where it goes "life is never boring" :s

happy and not

so yea. i went to school, not checking my school email beforehand.. went to the classroom, two minutes late. i encountered a classmate and he said "there is no one in the room. i wonder if there is any announcement or something" and i gasped "no one??" didnt quite expect that to happen... just i didnt picture that. so i asked if he checked blackboard and email earlier today.. he said no.. so me neither, that means probably announcement was made via those tools... so he said he'd go to the law library, use the computer.. and me, i'l check on my laptop.. nasib th jua, first time th ku mbwa laptop ni ke class ani.. haha.. an exchange of agreement "if u find anything, please inform me" and yea "vice versa"

anyway i found the info first! hahaha skadar. so we went like basah2 mulut skajap and cheers have a good free night.

oh but the class kana tunda another day ah.. lambat tia lgi abis. huhu

then i spent my time using the "free school internet" - sayang jua mn nd dpkai mndownload docs.. and plus, facebook lah:p then i heard a skreeeching sound of kasut.. turned my head and there was this guy, named S. hohoho. skali sasakku whhhh ia ani... in his way, he was capable of 'hurting' yakni mnyinggung atiku yg sadang2 fragile ani :s it began with this one day when we had to partner up buat kraja lah.. skali he did it again tadi.. actually, i think he is a nice guy, really, but i dont know, its just he has his own way -seems unintentional- to do that to me, tesinggung jua i tu nda pedah2.. i mean, maybe its just the way he is.. he might act all the same to others.. but.. aah nda baik mngumpat urg :(

stress part 1

aku mcm stress. its just a few minutes (bnrnya 3hrs plg) until my class and i couldnt find all the answers to the given revision ques yet :(

and i havent eaten a bfast or lunch yet :( kcuali spotong sushi :(

aku stress.

kumplen kumplen

haiiyah.. that moment, when u kumpul ur essay materials and u feel like "bila kn start ni" and all u feel was u nda productive and buang msa (padahal reading and cari, catit those materials tah process paling penting). and then, u sit in front of ur laptop... buka word.. BLANK lagi.. where to start?? udh start buat, kdg u go slow, kdg u go so over productive and at one level suddenly u think "eh mcm salah essay ku ani. mcm out of topic" sigh. and then at another point, u read ur essay again... and buruk. trying to amend ur essay, lagi th inda ada idea... haiyo. its so much easier doing something u know and 'general'.. i am saying, klw mbuat benda yg mcm ielts kan sanang!! or GP!! 250-500 words appear just like that. huhuhu. how how? i think jua, slain nda familiar with the topic, tkacau jua with the materials yg dbaca.. therefore rsa kn copy paste sjaaa.. haha. and tpenagaruh much that its not easy to develop ur own thoughts. klw ielts/GP/exam, its so much easier because ure under pressure and thoughts pn own copyright.. haiiyaa. mengeluh sjaa :p

for how much longer do i have to feel this way ah? everyday, waking up... feeling like aku balum buat ani, balum baca ani, alum siap ani...... macam... bila th kn tenang hui.. haha... courses ani jua, mbagi kraja mcm ia sja yg mesti dbuat... subjects lain ada jua lgi kn dpkirkan tu... (haihai mengomplen much. hahaha)

*aaah aku tesliur home made cakes and desserts!!!, cairo sanang dapat tu.... el maklum, networking cakes and desserts banyak.. byk urg handal:p and most of the time, request kna grant.. and well, bleh buat sndiri pn jua!! sini nada barang mbuat, nda jua ku kn mbali tu. kn mncari bahan lagi? duhuhui.....*

ring sweet ring

mondays class.. we were asked to analyse an example of a case... (aku nda plg pndai menganalyse ani nyamu.. well, learning to.. and i like it if the example of a case is FICTION, easier to understand.. because its in a more plain-er english...)

then it took time for anyone to raise hand up and come up with something...

my handsome cigu then said "what does ur gut feelings tell u? u know, during my career and studies i do use my gut feelings. then all i have to do is find legal arguments on it. and usually my gut feelings are right.. all im saying is, yes, sometimes u can listen to ur gut feelings" -el kira2 sahaja. pointnya catulah:p-

oh yeah, i like that. the fact that gut feelings can be helpful... u know, trust ur instinct.. :)

anyway anyway, i like it when men wear rings on their left jari manis.. i.e married men wearing their rings... because... its somehow showing, telling the whole world that his heart and everything of him has already been owned.. and its the same like telling the whole world "i am married and i love the fact that i am married".. "i am married and i am happy" .."i am married and i love my wife" and with the ring, its the same like showing everyone "she is my wife" in her absence.. .. and i find it romantic.. hehehe

whats next?

wehehe today is the day when i dont have to sleep at 2am:p (campur liat tibi lah tu jua ahir tdur atu tpinya.. hehehe)

so anyway.. you know that feeling when youre happy because u feel clever? or when u solve a math equation? well yeah, i dont have to feel clever or solve algebra, for me its enough when i can understand what is taught in class.. it makes me happy enough. haha. ya, i find that when i am happy after a class then i'll try to find fr reasons.. and i think thats simply because i understood the tajuks and all that. or maybe other reasons lah ah.. mcm the fun way i can learn from others, or interesting things that i encountered.. but mostly psal aku paham most yg kna ajarkan sja.. haha.. told you, im struggling with my courses.. hehehe.. macam class kmarin kn, boring dan murung lah saya.. padahal i liked that class better than today punya class.. hehehe..

and then, i walked from class happily, (plus happy because esuk rabu. cuti!! yay), happily in spite of perkara-perkara yg kurang sempurna dan mnyenangkan hati telah terjadi di class itu.. i walked happily! walking happily, there was this guy (again? haha) turned his head more than twice, looking at me with what i thought as 'recognition' or urg kn btanya usulnya.. then yes "are you bruneian?" he asked. he looked like a chinese. and i didnt know all bruneians faces yg ada di sini yet.. grinning, i said "awu" then ada mini ques mark arh muanya.. so i rephrase "yea yea im bruneian" rupanya ia urg msia.. but rapat dgn bruneian society sini.. rapat yg he was like 'how come i never saw you before' knal jua ia sudah kn urg brunei tu.. hehehe

things like that, encountering someone or things happening in class.. there are mostly unexpected.. like, when i hope for things to happen certain certain ways and it is a huge possibility that things could turn out the way i imagined, they never happened... haha.. and then, things happened when i least expected them to happen.. mcamatu mcamani lah.. jnth byk cuntuhnya, the way weekly quiz arrive at ur face pn inda expect... eh soalan yg ku nda prepare, eh cana bleh smpai turnnya arh side tmpat ku duduk ani... eh.... time ku pilih tmpat duduk yg nada2 atu th ku kana partnering tu.. haha.. well.. think, 'not knowing whats next and yet not wondering or burdened by the ques of whats next... is FUN and INTERESTING..' therefore, i wish i were cool enough to live day by day, not worrying, not expecting... :)

ciao. gracias. tidui

lucksss, i need

been mengantuk dari tadi tadi lah sudah.... did some works (revision ques fr weekly quiz plus a bit of reading) yg skajap sja tpi rsanya mngalih tia:p and then, biasalah my new hobby -- liat tibi. haha.

mudahan th ku inda kana weekly quiz esuk. amin. (haha whats the probability?:p) the very first day of tomorrows class, i enjoyed it. second time, i fly fly to the moon. indaku concentrate. 3rd time, siuk... despite all those weird feelings (refer to previous post. most highlighted this time is 'intimidated') and and the most amazing feeling is when those classes were over, macam "woo~ i can relax now" and then comes the next class tia. how time flies? next next week would be stressful :( and next weeknya lagi super stressful :( Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir ya kareem, Rabbi tammim bilkhair.. amin ya Allah..

well, i wanna post about the things i remember back in cairo :) *eh jn heran, menganang sj aku di sini ani.. haha* so anyway, u know when ure in certain "whatever" mood, u tend to behave like whatever in not a very good way.. haha..well, there were times when i was in that kind of mood. taxi drivers in cairo have this habit of 'friendliness', asking where are you from and that sorts. they usually guess your origin. that day, this taxi driver guessed "youre from India?' being in the mood of.. antah ah, malas melayan.. i said "yes", hoping he would not ask further (i mean didnt he see i was in a no no mood? teka lagi salah tu). but then he went on and on, asking this and that.. and i/we were like layan sja." taxi: "what sport does india excel in?" us:"yea football is quite good" (eh whatever happened to cricket?? lupa bh, spontaneous conv are so diffucult when u 'lie':p) taxi: "what is goodmorning in india?" us:"kaho na pyar hey" (haiii im so so sorry, i/we were so foolish.........)

and i never learned.

the next time, a taxi driver guessed again "are you from thailand?"

us: "yes"

who is the king in thai?

us: "chulalongkorn the ninth"

aaah faulty faulty mood. yea, getting mature and wiser now.. i am truly sorry :(

jahat ah? huhuu

well yeah, think ive grown up a bit wiser than that era now. hehehe.

anyways wish me luck fr this week :)

zone hijo

okay.. so, "coincidentally" i watched Green Zone.. it was a coincidence because i didnt plan to, i found it at one of the tv channels, it was a coincidence because it is so related to my programme msani, and more closely it is related to my assignment. so.. coincidence? haha.. i am glad, and yes afterall i was meant to watch the movie. afterall, i was meant to be here. i was meant to do what i do. meant to do what i did. and yes, so often im wondering the reasons.. altho reasons arent always clear, but ive gotta believe. believe in Allah, trust Allah. alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.. :)

so anyway, watched green zone and i am even more confused now. haha. the truth behind truths. agendas behind charming actions and words. and i dont know what to believe.. i mean, things happening in the so corrupted world, we read, hear, see stories... many sides of stories but what exactly is the truth? things happening in the world and i often wonder, what and why they exactly happened?

if i were good enough to be an investigator.. haha.. investigate th dlu utk assignment. mbaca pn malas kau ah... haha

anyways.. what am i getting into actually?

eh byk jua aussie flag atu.. makasih apple eh

aah!

i know what this disturbing feeling is!! its that kind of feeling when u feel ure not ready because u havent done ur works/readings atau anything associated with the coming subjects. and ur lack of understanding, preaparation and readiness make u hate going to the school. aah!! sasakku eh. haha

after ur final class of the week, u have this "determination" to finish all the works and readings but as the days went by, u kept on procrastinating! and then comes the next class again. all u feel inside is "bothered", "uneasy", "scared", "intimidated", (add in the word stupid), and disappointment. sigh.

(but u never learned)

haha:p this week, although im super super pmalas as in procrastinating mcm handal... i feel better :) i feel better when i jog. adedeh, bnar kh jua.

that last moment

it didnt hit me.. didnt hit me at all, until today, that that day might have been a goodbye, might have been the last time.. ai.. what have i missed? what have i done? i never learned.

i never cared for the things that could have been, thinking that it'll always be there for me. but how many chances have i missed?

there will always be bothering regrets in our life.

chances that we missed. people that we let go. people who left. people we left. things we never get to have.

but... for how long can we hold on to regrets? and not being grateful fr what he have and not looking at the reasons fr the things happened the way they happened...

i know there have been many wrong choices in my life.. ive made mistakes, ive made the wrong decisions.. (wrong, because in the process i'll keep questioning myself. unhappy, uneasy) but i guess, there shouldnt be questions of 'right or wrong' choices in our life (as long as it is not against islam).. whatever it is, embrace it and make the best out of it. the moment we decide to do something, commit to it, set our mind and heart into it.. (just like when decide to be in love with someone. haha).. eh positiv tia bunyinya..? :p

“No amount of guilt can change the past & no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.”

[Umar Ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him)]

assalamualaikum

i have this feeling or new perspective, eh apakan:p canilah when people look at a girl wearing hijab.. the beautiful thing is that i believe people will define that girl as a "muslim" at their first sight. And to me, to be defined as a "muslim" is priceless. I mean, when we look around, see the millions of people.. We dont have a word of definition... And what bothers me is when i have to have this ques in my mind "is she/he muslim?" its a bit frustrating that nowadays its not easy to differentiate. Not that it matters in world-ly relations (aah you get me..), but.. Anyway, Where, and what went wrong that the beauty of that bit of unity of islam has gone?

Hmm. Skalinya kn, on a diff note.. Studying what im studying, i come across with the wrong things thats happening in this world. Eseh. And suddenly all i feel is "i wanna change the world" haha but "i dont know if i want it enough that i am willing to do whatever it takes" so in practice, i dont think i'll really want and able to do it (yet:pp) mun rasanya kn paham pn masih struggle.. Mun rsanya diri byk lgi kn direpair, Baik th ku make changes within myself dlu :)

bai bai! Tdurku, esuk jog:p

assalamualaikum :)

nya katun ah

well yes, maybe u can tell that i feel the pressure.. But i am not yet depressed or broke down (hahah) maybe jua now that its just the starting or that my hormones behaved. Ahah

so anyway, feeling the pressure, i wanna lift it. Lifting it by doing something that hurts but equally relieving and calming and satisfying. Which is, u can easily tell, its something to do with ripping you lungs out. Haha. Running or anything to do with it. Such as netball. Anything that pleasurely hurts basically. Haha

i have class at 6pm. And i dont like the thought of having to walk alone, again and again, past those buildings, traffic lights, etc etc.

Its so much fun not knowing where youre going~ nya katun atu. And i agree with them, only if u dont feel alone in it. Haha

:)

chemicals

antah aaahhh..... hahhaha. there is a lot of chemicals inside me now. chemicals of feelings.

walking to the school, alone... past the buldings, past the traffic light, the roads, the people, the cars... didnt make me happy at all. at all. i hated it. i hated being alone in this. which is, considered surprising, because ive always been good at being alone. haha. at least good enough not to hate it.

and and there is a lot more that i feel besides hating the fact that i am alone. (alhamdulillah aku ada housemate lah. hehe. mn nda, depress th ku. hahaha). so anyway, there is disturbing feeling that....... aah malasku kn describe bh..... *annoying kn?*

hmm.

and and i wish i could be like those "glorious days in memory" :p where i'd be asleep at earliest possible psal mngalih nda terungkap haha and at ten pm, id be worried if i had not been sleeping.. worried that the next day would be a disaster psal klw nda ckup tdur nda tbelusir and muntah kuning. oh yeah i am so hoping to put my life into that kind of routine. only different-er...

aah antah kau. kn tdur ku

how i met my classmate

im in the mood of writing, when instead i should be reading. pressure ku eh with the reading loads :(

last week, two days after my first class.. we went to our house agent. but the agent said to meet again after like 30-45 mins.. so we went to an indonesian restaurant. just the next two-three doors. dining in, we ran out of time. so i asked my roommate to go to the agent first, psal aku tabiat mkan :s so 5mins after, i paid at the counter. and from there on, i remembered exactly what i was thinking while on my way out.. i looked at the door, carefully reading a "pull or push" instruction. and it was a push. i pushed the door, carefully, thinking "wooh why is it a push? people might have pushed the door carelessly, hitting people outside" and at the same time, debating whether the door (no matter how wide we open it) will hit people who happen to walk outside or not. and at the same time, satisfied with myself for having pushed the door carefully and inda wide pun. [it feels so good remembering exactly what our thoughts are at specific time!! yehaha. puas atiku:p]

skali, while thinking all those almost-craps-but-logic:p things, there was this guy (maybe he just reached there, or maybe I've just realized him standing there..), looking at me intensely.. he displayed what i thought as recognition or 'interest' and when someone looking at you with that kind of intensity, it will sure set your forehead frowning, wondering hard whats up with them, whats wrong with us or think that we might have seen him somewhere....

tiktoktiktok seconds after moment of staring, he said "kita sekelas kan?" well i think i figured him, remembered him exactly before he uttered his first word. aaah rupanya anuuu, yg classmateku atu... what a cali coincidence.. bleh lagi tejumpa cematu tu.. hehe.. so.. yes, hii!!

(just one of the coincidences that i want to record, since my thoughts that day were so vivid. hahaha)

just watched my kitchen rule tadi.. skali... im so so craving fr the sweet foods. dmana ku kn mngunjar ni at this hour? mbali eskrem magnum arh seven eleven nganya ni... huhu

i wanna fly

just adding a post.. of moving towards "homesickness" - which is holding into memories-kind-of-feeling? haha. i think, my life in the months that I've returned to brunei did change some things in me.. having the different patterns of life from month to month, falling into a once disturbing routine that becomes a comfortable routine.. emm iya lah, those kinds of things...

so anyway, this is a "reminder" of what used to be:p as in, i used to be 'fitter', and in a whole picture, i used to be 'happier'.. hahaha.

that one fine day, we were running from kem to berakas beach. it was hot, the sand was heavy, we were extremely thirsty (undoubtedly dehydrated) but i was happy. it was fun. we reached the beach, and then we went to the kem again. and on my way back to the kem, i found this... if it is printed on a t-shirt, I'm sure will buy it. but be sure first to specify it as adibah hm. bulehsss? kihkih.

emm ah actually i wanted to say this (as what i posted on fb earlier, but i doubt people will understand what i was talking about). the last day we met the boss coach, he said this.. "we have trained you the best we could. i'll let you fly. now its up to you whether you'll fly and fly high or you'll fly and get shot" and as i said, i was more than determined not to get shot. i was so scared to go back to zero stamina again. it hurt. it was hard. it was depressing. i used to count the days. i used to have worries and expectations of what those mornings would be like.. and i won't forget that first day (without coach), i only managed to run one plus 3/4 rounds over a total of six rounds! and after a month when the training became harder (but i equally became more relaxed, somehow) 4 rounds track were only for warming up. warming up?? I'm impressed by the things that we could actually do, far more than what we thought we could. running fr 6 rounds track is easy IF timing isn't counted. but the timing kills. it hurts. and i haven't felt that "relieving" pain for a long time now.. I'm not sure if i can take it again.

I've ruined my two months hard work. I've been warned, don't ever start from zero again. but... I've torn myself apart during adjusting period. and now I'm still adjusting and trying to get my life back in place... but, i'll have to forgive myself no matter what.. haha.. and heal the injuries of getting shot myself..

and for the days that I'm going thru now.. i wish i were cool enough to live day by day, no worries, no expectations of what 'next' would be.. just breathing in the air, feeling the wind of my face...

have a say..

if u have the chance to say something to the world, and be heard.. and make a difference. what would you say?

despite our judgement and critics towards the world.... how many of us are ready, having those words at the tip of our tongue, at the top of our lung?

we might have those visions or more to imagination of what we'll say, of what we want to change.. but not the right stabbing heart words.. and so, lets live each day constructing a word until it becomes sentences, becomes paragraph, becomes the stabbing speech that'll change the world, the people for the better...

iyawahhh? ;p

anyway, if i didn't know what homesick means fr the past four years, i think I'm moving towards it day by day.. (maybe?).. haha.. waking up in the morning, feeling that "something" inside, a little weak to face the day-kind of feeling? sigh. i wish this will be over faster, but with me getting what i come here for. ya Rabbi, luruskan niatku selalu.. amin amin. :)

testing mengarut

you know it takes time to get to love something? of course there are things that we'll love at prima facie:p (just a latin legal word that i learned. haha, meaning first sight) na, i mean there are things that we'll love instantly.. but yes, generally speaking.. love takes time to develop.

i know i'll love sydney eventually, and love the things that I'm doing here... but it'll take a lot lot time.. maybe it'll take the last minutes of my stay.. not that sydney is not an awesome place. dude, its a lot to compare with my own home country and the other home, cairo/egypt. its so systematic, modern and it has everything u'll ask for in a development of dunia i guess (not everything, half everything:p).. but love isn't about perfection:p its where ur heart lies. wahaha.

when people say, the first love is always the deepest.. well, i think its applicable to my love fr cairo. the first place i lived in after my own home. (of course HOME home is incomparable, therefore I'm comparing the none homes. hahaha). so yess, it'll never be a fair compete with cairo. i'll always have that extra special feelings fr that place.... (if a stranger ask me about cairo/egypt, they'll see my eyes glowing and say if cairo is a person and doesn't know beforehand that u love him, he'll fall in love with you just by seeing how much u love him...hahah nadadih)

alright, i guess its just a dedication fr cairo while I'm missing that place... huhuhu