TIHI-SPOT

my.. Short diary

2012-01-20T18:14:00.003+02:00

this time around, leaving will be hard..

When i came to love a lot more things..

When i became attached to those more things.. Became attached to a lot of people..

Batahku di brunei ani, pyah plg ni krg. Haha. Plus,im gonna be on my own,doing a completely diff thing.pray fr my survival :p

all the time im being in brunei, gotss my diary:p -

the first-second month: enjoyed learning cartoons, appreciated my relaxing slow pace life, became closer the kids, the family, wanted to be a good wife&mother more than anything else..

Second-third month: routine shocked. Reality adjustment shock. Cried leaving the cartoons kind of life. Cried, realising things... Exhausted. Down. Confused. Unhappy. Regrets..

Third-fourth month: Fell into the rythym, got used to the pattern of my life.. Sometimes down, still exhausted, still complaining.. Sometimes happy, sometimes gave up..

Fourth month: how did i fall in love with things i hated? The thought of leaving saddens me.. Or maybe its because i know i'll be leaving that makes me sad?

..when i get back, things wont be the same. Those people i became attached to, we wont be the same again.. Things will be different.. And.. Sadly, i'll forget how these days feel like.. Forget what i feel now, what i felt those days..

Plus sayang kaliah fitness yang ku pelihara2 ani. Haha. No, im not fit FIT. But i believe, i have improved a lot.. Or at least a bit.. No one's gonna push me after this, i'll have to use my own mind and will power. Tpi, i cannot stop now.. Or else, i'll start back from zero again.. Ndaku sanggupssss eh

anyways...

Just know, that i'll be missing a lot of things..

Pray.. Pray fr my success..

Pray.. Pray that my fight will be blessed..

Smoga mendapat rahmat dan keberkatan Allah.. Amin amin

i should be saving these words until the last days bfore im leaving.. But then, i better write them down while im feeling this way.. Karang ilang tu blues&sodih2 ku atu mun ditahan.. Haha

52

2012-01-04T11:24:00.005+02:00

out of 100, maybe i only have 52 percent left of everything inside of me now. hakshaks.

skali ke blog, i keep talking about the same rantings.. i wrote down those same things earlier and said to myself..... balik2 jua eh... sama jua... :p

i dont know whats gonna happen to me in the next month.. got offers from both uni i applied to.. but whats the use.. if no money is being offered to me at the mo to pay fr the studies.. and so, i dont know whats gonna happen next.. still waiting..

if i were in a completely different path, i think i would have given up all these and choose to start my career.. but being where i am, i am not ready fr the career.. and i doubt if i'll ever be ready..

tapi sesungguhnya aku sudah banyak berhutang.... and i'll have to pay back.... with my life... hakshaks..

Allahu a'lam.. He will guide me to the right things, right path.. :)

aged

2011-12-16T11:54:00.005+02:00

i dont like looking myself in the mirror these days.. i look old.. and dull.. and drained.. and tired.. haih

i think no week was a good week fr these 3 weeks.. some days were good, some were bad.. but first week all bad ;p

anyway, sakit badanku eh... bilath ia kn inda sakit ni? haha. recovering during the weekend, kan kan recover atu comes monday and start again..... sabar sja.. :p

lesson 3rd week: patience is hard. padan th basar pahalanya urang besabar ani... subhanallah :)

whatever im going thru, i pray its gonna bring me closer to iman, to Allah.. amin

colour me

2011-12-14T10:02:00.002+02:00

when i give up.. when i have doubts.. when i lost faith in myself.. help me up.. pull me up.. :)

monday: i wait for wedns. wedns: i wait fr friday. weekend: they leave fast. thats the colour of my week. :p

nyehe

2011-12-13T13:22:00.003+02:00

hmm... macam.. getting better.. inda plg inda mengalih. hish sangal sana sini lah, but getting used to it, and when get used, it gets easier..

(morning we do the 'ha-ha-ha physical exercises' ; becali wh.. the exercises cause our muscle/body aching sana sini, lurus th sudah tu ertinya exercisenya ah. haha. before this jogging jua udh, naik bukit, netball angih2 etc but ive never felt like this before, never done this kind of fitness optimization.. ntah apa ntah:p ytah jua mbaginya mnambah pressure nd tantu2 atu:p mbagi nervous saaajaa.. and mbagi mngalih... hahaha.. then masuk ofis and do our work(pun mngantuk2), skali balik rumah mngalih daaa.. mengantuk laaah.. dh tu bangun awal lgi... -im reminded of the price and meaning of 'weekend' after a long long time heheh)

anyway 1st week was hard, very hard... 2nd week i cried in front of the boss (and the story reached other bosses. hmmmp).. but i guess letting that out made me feel a lot better.. also, got my first task done and at least i felt motivated.. days will get better but days will get harder too, there will be days i'd be so down, so giving up, so demoralised and i hope i'd be able to pull myself up again and again..

bnar eh, it was like a plane crash trying to cope with 'serious life', with the other side of the world...

i can see how life will be when i start my career nanti, i'll struggle the first few months and i'll keep on struggling.. but remind me that the first steps are the hardest.. remind me to be strong.. remind me the right intention, remind me the right reasons....

3rd week.. i hope its gonna be a good week.. going along with our second task, the big project.. i hope we'll do it right and good :)

i pray, whatever im going thru, whatever im dealing with.. it'll bring me closer towards iman, towards Allah.. amin amin :)

huahua

2011-12-06T13:00:00.004+02:00

i am at my weakest state, or perhaps this is the strongest...

i always have doubts inside.. of who i will be, the kind of life i will lead.. i doubt if this is the right choice, if this will make me happy..

all this while, i always said to myself: do it. just do it. maybe i should stop thinking whether or not its the right decision.. whatever it is, make the best out of the decision ive made. i chose and i will have to live with my choice and its consequences. because i already chose, i will be responsible for it..

i didnt know that when the time is nearer, when u know that u really have to face the consequences, or perhaps when u grow up enough, u learn that priorities could and would change... maybe as short as two months will change you in a lot of ways, that short time could make u see what u really want in your life..

and now that im barely confused by what i want, i have yet to face the consequences of my choices. i said im 'barely' confused, u know i still am..

i didnt know that i would break down that day infront of my new boss. thats the first time in my 'career' that i cried dapan boss.. the first time i didnt pretend to be tough and said at least one third of my mind, although its a small proportion of thoughts and feelings, it helped me to feel better.. handal boss atu, what was about her that made me let myself out like that? haha. but silahau, that was basically her first 'formal' impression of me! that would have opened up spaces for her to see my weakness or strength among many other things.. but at least there was a value of honesty in it..

i dont know the truth, but she said what i experienced was a professional pressure, dont worry and dont feel bad. now that im still emotional about it, i might not be able to think of it in the best way... but one day, my heart will be set at peace and i wont cry and i will go fr what i want, without doubts, without regrets. that one day, i will know. that one day, i wont be able to lie to myself anymore. that one day, i will make the best decision for myself.

so anyway... i love weekend!!!!! hahaha

3

2011-12-01T12:46:00.004+02:00

day 3, training and attachment.

my first day of proper training. exhausting mcm kajar2 tgnku and my shoulder or generally my upper body. plus, hensem bnr jua urg yg men-train ani (co-trainer lah kirakan). i noticed but wasnt distracted by the handsome face, just reminded me of a someone i knew from previous program (chinese sporean. nda plg sipit matanya, just the face structure). anyways, just saying i think the handsome-ness could be a distraction someday.. hahaha astaga

emm attachment. nothing tough happened, just the toughness of mingling.. and i think everyone noticed yesterday's incident.. because i think today they mentioned something that could mean "people who dont know him would think of him differently..", things that could mean "dont take it to the heart, dont be hurt too badly"

and some words of motivation.. be opened to critism, sometimes u'll have to learn thru the hard ways, and if people do treat u bad, say bad things to you.. learn from it: they act that way because there are reasons.. we should reflect ourselves, find what is wrong and learn to change fr the better. or if not, at least we learn not to be the kind of person they are, and not to treat others that way...

anyway. i was too concerned on my hatred yesterday that i couldnt think i could forgive.. and then i read this:

"ya Allah, if i hurt others, give me the strength to apologize. if others hurt me, give me the strength to forgive.." amin.

remind me, there are reasons why Allah put us in certain situations and places, for He knows the best we will get through it, shape us for the better hamba and He knows that we will bring good things to the place.. semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan dan ditabahkan hati, diberi kekuatan.. amin ya Allah

remind me, the first few steps are the hardest..

people i hate

2011-11-30T16:10:00.003+02:00

attachment day 2.

i dont like coping with people's standards. i dont belong with them..

and specially specifically.. i hate him. (i cant get over it, cant get over hating him!!)

why do some people treat others like they're much better, talking and joking about others' flaws.. AS IF they dont have any.. -remind me not to be one because i know i do that too, not realising, not intending..

but at least today showed me once again a way home.. reminded me what home is in that sense... in those seconds, i knew exactly what i want, knew exactly what makes me happy, knew exactly where and what home is..

day 1 - 2011

2011-11-29T18:15:00.003+02:00

training day 1.

attachment day 1.

survived easily. a little bit of physical. a little little little bit of mental. banyak movement, banyak concentration.

but i doubt tomorrow and the next days would be this easy. semoga dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan kami, ditabahkan hati, dikuatkan semangat, diberkati. amin ya Allah :)

life... in 24 angles

2011-11-24T04:35:00.005+02:00

i spent weekdays (since tue) at my bro's house because i had a few things to settle and attend... its just... its funny how i think (think. i use the word think:p) that ive been thinking much of home within these short days. i would wonder how that little kid has been doing.. wonder if he would come running or even as little as excited to see me back home.. wonder if they feel my absence at all.. its weird to be thinking this way because ive been far and away from home as long as i could remember and my absence wouldnt be feel much, inda mbagi kesan pun:p but maybe, because this time around im away skajap sja and inda jauh, thats why i feel a little different - or so i think;p - and well that just shows how much time ive been spending *locked&isolated* at home.. :p

so anyway, i just wanna share about that particular day i was at home. i dont usually let my temper out to kids (except being cold maybe) because i usually think too much about their parents' reactions if i get angry, theyre afterall my sibs and those kids arent mine.. hehe.. that day, i got angry a little, but not too much to cause a kid to cry or mnyamal and such (in my judgement only. haha).. but somehow my nephew mnangis tia and mnyamal.. the maid asked him to say sorry to me but he refused and so, i didnt want to pujuk him or anything.. but not talking to him after that, and the fact that he didnt even look for me made me unsettled, made me feel guilty.. would i have to sleep with the thoughts of guilt, and with the painful feeling for hurting the little kid, wondering if ive made a mistake or if i did right, wondering if he'd love me less? that little event/incident:p made me think a lot about parents.. u know, how much parents have suffered internally without us knowing and understanding? how much internal conflicts they have been facing, choices decisions and pain they have to face? at some points in life, i did wonder about these things and i thougt i got it, i understood.. but that day, i knew that ive been wondering without understanding.. knowing without realising.. know the facts, not the feelings.. a father would scold his kid in the hope to discipline them, to shape them into a better person.. and even for the micro fraction bits of heart, the child would think that his father is mean.. not realising that his father is hurt too for hurting him, not knowing his father suffered too for the better of his child, not understanding how much his father has sacrificed in that little action.. what do we know, really? i am not a parent, there has to be lot more to it that i didnt see, that i havent seen.. and i hope to find more along the way so i can prepare to be the best one when the time comes.. :) *esseh:p* .. some other little things i found out is on my post "children and dotdotdot".. not much, just from the side view of a fake babysitter..

oh u know one of the times that a kid would make me very happy that i thought i am about to float is when they want to eat nitritous meals. hahaha. pyah kaliah kanak2 ani kn mau mkan, and when they want to eat mcm banyak2 and even drg yg merequest, it makes me so happy.. then i would say to myself, how happy would a parent be just because of that little thing? (nada plg little tu:p)

and so, as i said.. i wanna be a good mother (and a good wife ofcourse:p -tiket ke syurga nyamu tu:p-).. but u know, it scares me to think if i fail to be the person that i wanna be... scares me to see how much work-commitment i signed in for that it would test me to the deepest of depth: how to be good at both? how to be successful and happy at the same time?

well... i hope to figure it out in time :)

at the edge..

2011-11-23T02:57:00.004+02:00

ive been living off-track.. and addicted to it. life now is so simple, i dont have to use thinking ability much;p nda pyah mikirkan daily chores kh apakah.. nda pyah mikirkan if i look okay, or if im smart enough good enough and such.. and most of my feelings went numb.. feelings to excel, to compete, to be good, feelings about future, feelings about my current life and the life ive left.. i dont know if im deliberately blocking them or its just im still in my 'transation' period.. but then when i have to face reality, i feel lost.. so left behind.. so hating the other side of the world.. i dont think i can fit in 'serious' life anymore.. haha

and its hard knowing that ive forgotten to ask myself what do i want, what do i like, what kind of life would i want to lead.. forgotten it all.. because.. maybe at some points, i just go along with life.. wherever it takes me.. choose what i think is the best for me, forgetting whats best for me wont always make me happy.. and at that some points, i dont even know anymore what makes me happy..

while the life im currently in is so relaxing, it is so at the edge. im left behind from news, from info.. bh mun everything is through facebook/internet karang ani, aku lagi jarang arah facebook/internet.. not only that, i cut myself out from people and things, i dont even read news, i dont say hi much, i dont really go out, i dont watch tv except for cartoons and some cliche dramas/programmes.. me and my own world and the close ones.. me being a total pemalas plus being a fake babysitter... but still, as in the edge as i am, i learnt a few things from this relaxing life.. i wanted to write many things about it, about what i discovered, but.. kn ke blogger pn ku pyah :p and then all those things blended in the thin air saja.. anyway, my point is aku ani idup arah duniaku sndiri lah, brabis. haha. thats why im saying its becoming hard to cope with reality now..

the first few weeks living like this, i thought its okay.. i just arrived and things will get in place, will get serious.. but no, its still the same (though i dealt with my important urusan, ofcourse).. life is still like this.. and i fit in well;p but.. no matter how okay i am with this, i do realise this is not really my life and i cant go on with this kind of life.. i'll eventually get tired of 'not knowing'.. of having to hate the other side of the world, of life.. no matter what, i'll have to lead my own life where i have to worry about things, to deal with daily chores, to say hi, to know things, to be a part of something important.. to be successful.. to be with those who matter.. and at times having that slow pace relaxing life.. and above all, to be happy.

anyways. as for my updates, if youre curious:p, i just had my undang2 kereta paper test- still a long way to go:p i am not even confident with my test.. mudahan th pass. amin. hehe. eh my bro asked me to try his four wheel drive ranger, skali mati sja enjennya ulihku. haha. demoralised eh. i am okay with auto, tpi auto nganya. i go out with auto every morning of the weekdays. and once or twice or many times i made mistakes too- dude, doing mistakes on the road really make me down. okay. emm and im waiting for masters approval. im going to have my attachment and training, probably starting 29th nov. err whatelse? im cleaning my so upside down bedroom (balum mau abis2nya). later in the afternoon im going hiking and bbq with colleagues and bosses. more, i hate it when i have to deal with internet-related things. and when i go to kadai (shopping complexes especially), i forgot what to buy.. ceh lari dh critaku ani. what else what else.. ahh yg pentingnya most of the time i spent with my nephew at home lah.. (ada ya little sister jua, tpi ia inda suka aku. pemilih! haha:p)

aah just to add, that one time i went to best eastern aimlessly.. that day i was in a bitter mood, hating to realise that i found it difficult to cope with reality- skali while in there, i had the idea to buy buku little mermaid, that is my most fav childhood story book, yg ori version lah, yg mermaid jadi buyah (banciku versionnya byk ah. ada yg happy ending. u know, the sad and crushing ending is the one that made it my fav, tore my heart so much that i remembered the feelings well. ytah jnth diubah versionnya, once in a while, little kids have to realise that life is not all about happy ever after ending. eseh). anyway, i couldnt find the version of little mermaid that i want.. so i asked the shop assistant.. she ended up offering me this one book - 100 classic stories; ada little mermaid of my version - and yes, i bought it! (jelama mudah tepengaruh bnr ih:p).. but that book cheered me up, and i was and still am happy.. hihi.. got to read many other childhood story books yg balum ku prnah baca and be reminded of the old storied yang udah ingatt-ingat lupa. i found it cool. kihkih.

macam byk ku taip ani. batah ku inda blog bh eh.

bh eh.. ;p

first entry

2011-10-31T06:52:00.004+02:00

typed in my blog address, but web says site cannot be found. got me a little nervous.. my first thoughts : did i violate any google/blogger's terms and conditions? or did someone hack my account and delete it?

followed the instruction. google said this: there is a suspicious activity on my account.. so in order to retrive bla bla bla.

what suspicious activity? that i signed in from Brunei? hmm. but i signed from several other countries too, mcm Italy and Swiss, but nothing suspicious pun.. ntah lah, could be jua bh psal suddenly i signed in from another country (besides Egypt).

but now.. account/address pun retrieved. yay. alhamdulillah. hehe. sayangku kan blogger address ku yang ani ni ah.. jangan ilang eh.. menangis tu eh, i tell you! :p

so this is my first entry from Brunei? :D

they first 2 weeks of being here, i felt like being cut from the outside connection. not having my own phone line, not being able to go out much, not able to use facebook or internet connection much (very very rarely eh). sometimes annoyed because of this (because i couldnt get important infos on time!), but most of the time... i feel so free. got to feel like being in an isolated place. spending quality time with family, and relax lah... holiday bnar!

now im re-organising my life though, re-organising my life pattern, do what should be done..

expecting to be quite busy this week.

expecting to be very busy soon. attachment will be starting in... (counting days, maybe?) no confirmation but soon.

and so... hello life :)

one hard goodbye

2011-10-05T15:59:00.003+02:00

well.. i'll be 'home' before i turn 20.. (plus four) :p

one bad scenario is.. say, after 20 days i got home.. i'd go staring outside the window, missing cairo.. missing my life in cairo, missing myself.. missing a lot of things.. and couldnt do much about it..

cairo... sure is one of the hardest goodbye-s..

ohoh

2011-09-26T22:50:00.003+02:00

yesterday a taxi driver made my day... he gave me a free ride.. wahaha.. i mean, its been a long time i havent been given a free taxi ride, skalinya dapat lagi... soo soo iski lah:p but well, i was being a gentlegirl also, insisted for him to take the money... ertinya just got an offer for a free ride sja lah tu.. :p

also jiranku pun gentleman lah kmarin.

aah, guess yesterday was gentlemen day. ohoh

today? workdone day. yahuu huu carpetku siap! sian eh, i told them my flight would be on 27/9.. skali inda jadi, tpi aku majal nyuruh karpet siap awal (naa, they promised me even before i confirmed my order and before i told them my flight date.. heh heh).. tapitapi i told them that i'll take the carper tomorrow nite 27/9.. nah ketara tia aku eksen.. sori bang, i'll explain :p

people

2011-09-25T12:43:00.004+02:00

when you get to know someone u didnt really know before, u change ur perspective about that person.. u change ur judgments on them.. (eksen th tu mn ku ckap i have zero mindsetting about a person..)

when you get to know them, u learn to accept them.. or perhaps when you get to know them, u hate them even more..

but when you get to be close to someone, you sometimes change too.. because when youre with a person, u somehow learn some things from them, adapt with them, you bend to blend with them, they bend to blend with you..

and when you get to know someone better, get to be closer, get to accept them better, u find it hard to betray them... and therefore, when you get to know many someone, many people, be close to many, you'll find it hard to betray any of them... even the slightest bad words coming from your mouth, its hard.. and therefore, you'll be a better someone...

and if you can do that to just anyone, know or not, close or not.. if u can feel the same way, you'll really become a great someone...

round-a-bout

2011-09-13T22:05:00.002+02:00

maybe somewhere along the way, i lost myself, found again, lost again, and perhaps lost forever, perhaps found again..

time can change a person, both for good and bad..

time, things, places, people, circumtances... everything.. they can change a person..

a lot could change, a lot had change..

today yesterday

2011-09-13T18:41:00.004+02:00

*phone ringing*

noticed i didnt save the caller's number. but i always answer unsaved numbers anyway since i dont save many numbers jua, even tah yg patut di save. haha. plus since im dealing with this and that these recent years, there are many unknown important numbers, sometimes.

"this is a call from internet service"
"ok.. yes?"
"tomorrow we'll send someone to collect the payment"
"payment... payment?? what payment?"
"payment for internet.." -weak, suprised, almost-annoyed voice...

eh.. its been one month. inda terasa, pkir baru last week ku mbyar internet ani nyanta.. :s atau andang jua kebangangan lah. haha

cmana kn mngabiskan memanyap ani ah.. satu, kn tidur2 sja.. dua, sehari mnaruh satu barang ke kutak.. manath mau kan abis.. tiga, mbali barang baru....

soon my housemates will be back here, and also the freshies yang insyaAllah kan ambil rumah kami.... i have to siapkan the house before they come here.. karang kekajutan dorang.. haha. bjurit! plus lampung dapur rusak, i depended on lampung eksen2 yg main ampai sja these days.. skali i asked bawab for a new lampung since i cannot fix it myself psalnya tinggi bnr, kmi nada tangga.. but yesterday was the 3rd time i asked for this and he never came.. eksen eh.. inda apa, within this week ku mngunjar tangga! jangan sja beliau inda tantu rasa karang mliat aku mengangkut tangga naik! hmmm

and and got my official result! alhamdulillah. mngalih tu ah, came to school at around 1230pm, asked the people yg ala2 "receptionists" if results were ready.. she said they're photo-copying the results, then i met my friend and she told me the same thing - she was told the results would be ready in a half hour.. tunggu punya tunggu, bubut sana bubut sini.. smpai th pkul 4pm plus :s but but alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. syukur ya Allah :)

and now, having a relaxing week at home- for most of the hours insyaAllah :)

weekend (my)

2011-09-10T22:14:00.003+02:00

i woke up today, and saw myself in the mirror : my dahi mysteriously got swollen! then i thought, "eh jerawat kali?" hahah. tapiiii... ia kn? looks soo no jerawat-like.. and therefore why?? my dahi bangkak woo..

then my parut/appetite doesnt feel good.. tpi aku tesliur asir sikui! soon soon ku lepak mnaguk segilin :s

sad the way i spent my days at home.. tidurr sja.. mcm impossibily able to sleep over and over again :s and i sleep early these days, tidur for 10-11hrs a day- days that im staying at home. think its because of the tiredness from going around the places for most of the days lah.. skali udah di rumah atu rasa kn mengampaiii saaajaa. maunya stay drumah luan2 sminggu atu smpai boring brabis kali, abis tu langis bersih rumah:p

tomorrow going to school again (praying for good news, good results. amin).... and then shopping and go play play..

i pray that this place will be fine and safe.. nothing's gonna go wrong.. amin

swing swing

2011-09-08T23:58:00.004+02:00

tired and defeated. defeated by emotions:p in a foul mood. to specific things - tiba mall punya carefour counter and coffeeshop tiba mall yg btiada menunya... it would have remained as jokes given another day, another cycle of moon. begins hour 1 of mood swing? hahah

when something upsets you, jangan diamalkan the ability to feel upset and angry.. just let go, dont even think about it.. because once you take things too personally.. that'll become a habit. a bad one.. and so if youre so alienated to those bad habits and just so used to good habits, you'll become a good person too. blablabla:p

i have been in a good-happy mood these days! shouldnt be ruined by mood swing. hmmphh

tomorrow: mengunjar ayaaam/tolobb ajalah :p after tomorrow: cuti dalam rumah ahad: long day again :)

one moon

2011-08-31T23:30:00.004+02:00

i have approximately one month left to spend here (but dont believe my words lah. haha)

i better start filling out my calendar! ;)

also, places to go, things i wanna do, pictures i wanna take, emm learn what can be learned, buy things, things i must do, create more wonderful memories, remember what should be remembered, appreciate even the smallest of things!

i hope i'll make the best out of the one month i have :)

(aaa but for now, i need a good sleep which is gonna be a little late jua pasal mbubut jam brunei, a morning hello would be good, just so i wont be missed for the day, tia krg :p and i need a proper meal - but already had two good meals tonight.. tapi inda jua mau kanyang, malasku masak lagi balik2 - also a long shower.. hmm a proper rest laah.. so that i wont look and feel miserable.. haha)

so... night night night, klw ku tetidur krg ku bngun lagi :p

fireworks

2011-08-31T20:07:00.002+02:00

is it wrong to feel happy where and when you're not supposed to be happy?
is it wrong to feel happy when someone else is not?

it feels wrong, but what we feel is what we feel.. we may have to hide it, but still.. we feel it.

is it wrong to feel like belong where it is not even your place to feel so..
is it wrong to feel like home when it is not even your place to feel so..

it feels wrong but what we feel is what we feel... and somehow what we feel confused us so many times.. confused us of who we really are...

ive been way too selfish for most of my life... many times, i think of only my happiness.. trying to figure out what happiness means for me.. and in doing so, i forgot to consider other's happiness... forgot and forgot and forgot... because in doing so, i might have hurt others.. my happiness could mean otherwise to them...

and many times, ive been running away... running away from burdens of emotions.. of.. responsibilities.. going fr what makes me feel easier and happier... and in doing so, i left others behind.. i should have gone the way where their happiness meets mine... be there with them during happy times, be there with them during sad times.. not running away from either.. no matter where my happiness lies..

enough.

oh here is 3 syawal 1432 already. hmm not bad raya here. haha. macam raya bnar eh, except its one day one house. first raya at boss's house.. second at an egyptian schoolmate (friend's friend).. tomorrow going to another boss's.. hehe. then one more invitation. see.. busy this week jua rupanya.. haha.. we're not planning to set any celebration fr open invitation though, if there is any, then i think it'd be among ourselves saja.. hehe. i think its a pretty good closure of my stay here.. of my last eid here.. went to learn their culture more.. :) and managed to set that appreciative instinct in me :p

aah i saw fireworks just now!! just outside my window. brabis. i was stunned. literally karau mliat eh. hahah. they were pretty, they were colourful. tapi masatu ku mkan, udah th makan, karau lagi. haha. so, i watched them with amazement and impressed deeply.. thinking to myself how pretty they are and how i didnt want to forget those and how near they are to my window.. when i managed to think of my camera, then i thought.. i didnt want to turn my eyes away.. just so i could remember them in vivid pictures.. remember them for a long long time.. :)

okeh then.. selamat hari raya again!

raya 1432

2011-08-29T21:58:00.003+02:00

think i like carpets!! haha. not those formal extravaganzzzaa ones, just.. the simple, young, pluffy.. for simple room decorations.

bought one yesterday, no.. ordered one, customized it.. i was excited.. but.. there was something in me that felt... unsatsified.. maybe i regreted the money i spent on it.. or.. simply i wasnt satisfied with the colours/design or apa2lah... but i wanna buy more from that kadai....... huhuhu.. and im not sure if i will regret this soon or not... some parts of me are happy doing this, ive always had my eyes on them... since lamaaa udah...

anyway. tomorrow is raya in egypt... (tonight is the ist syawal) i... am not ready yet.. emotionally, physically.. im still tired pasal bakas kmarin..

im not the type to get excited or even maybe affected by hari raya.. or maybe affected in the way that i dont really like the celebration.. i dont know what to say, or what to blame... when i read my sis's post.. she does not get excited fr raya partly because raya would be without our mother.. raya would just remind us of her and how incomplete and lacking raya had been since she was gone.. i dont know if my nature of feelings fr hari raya is because of that same reason or simply other reasons that i can think of or the combination of all or... its just me, naturally with or without those events would still feel this way...

i felt sad these few hours, but i think its not really because of raya... more to leaving ramadhan. maybe? or for what ive missed, for whats different, for whats leaving me.. antah.. i.. dont know how to say it... just mixture of deep feelings..

oh yesterday i went to aussie embassy and... the certification of documents is costly.. i was frustrated that my plan A has failed.. or not yet successful;p but.. frustrated!

hmm i feel sooo sleepy right now, and i have to sasah baju. aaah apa apa lah..

selamat hari raya aidilfitri egypt! and to all other places that share the same eid day. maaf zahir batin.. ;)

rant rant rant

2011-08-26T16:38:00.005+02:00

i am venting my worries and daily things here lately...

why does the uni i am applying to (one of) have to ask for an official subject descriptions. my uni does not provide anything like that. i wanted to email them, stating my problem.. then it sounds weird.. how come one doesnt have studies layout for the year, or at least course layout? but really, we dont have one. we'll get to know what we are going to study only when we get the books. or by asking people, asking lecturers or anyone. nothing official, at the least. not even on the website(s). therefore.. in order to do that, i'll have to do description on my own.. maybe if i want to perfect it, i'll have to do the years layout as well, not only the course sole description.. then i'll have to go thru my boxes, refer back to yr 1-yr 4 modules.. and describe them briefly.. and then, since i dont think i am able to describe in arabic, i'll have to do it in english.. and then translate it to arabic and bring it to the dean of faculty and ask for their approval and official stamp.... whose approval i cant guarantee boleh dapat... and.... sigh. should i just skip this uni? :s should i just give them excuses? should i ask if i can get exception for this? but i personally think, having the description and layout of my course is important and will be very very useful in many ways. maybe its worth it to at least try...

then i'll have to go to aussie embassy for certification of copies, and then post it via secure egypt post... which is, i think, EMS or fedEx or something...

isnt that tiring? wawwawa.

sabar. if i want it enough, i'll do it gracefully - no komplen komplen no mengeluh, do it smoothly and patiently..

after those are done, things will go easier.. i'll just have to wait fr my final transcript and translate it and post it to aussie.. (depending on the uni response. i hope its a positive one, im hoping fr conditional offer after stage one of my application) .. i dont know, its risky, as i said.. final result lagi lambat..

but im hoping, and praying. whatever happens, sure Allah knows whats the best untuk hamba-hambaNya.. :) i'll always keep that in mind, and be in unconditional faith, insyaAllah.. amin..

room 000

2011-08-25T23:43:00.003+02:00

sigh. have u ever felt like doing, saying things at the wrong place, wrong time? :s i'd say, i see myself as a considerate person, able to see through other's emotions and consider what others feel.. i am pretty good at reading things.. reading people included..

but sometimes, no, many times too, i had my guard down and possibly hurt so many people.. appeared in the wrong place or time.. and yes, became as selfish as a person can be at expressing thoughts and feelings, emotions or burdens or stories.. and minutes later, i'd find myself feeling guilty, and things keep hunting my mind.. maybe thats the cost of considering yourself as a "pretty good reader" - i dont care if others dont think of me that way.. well, its enough when i think i am.. haha :p

and u know, i always prefer having a good listener around than having a good talker who doesnt even know how or when to listen... :) i mean, i'd take someone with a balance in both.. but if you ask me to choose between people who have only one of those: definitely a listener! (only that if you become so close to someone, love them enough, u'd become an amazing talker with the ability to listen very very well, i think :D)

so anyway, for the past few months, ive been feeling like saying and doing the wrong things.. hmm.. i dont know, things just keep replaying in my mind that i could probably memorise them for at least hours after..

oh one more thing, i think im being alone is not so healthy.. haha.. no, im liking it.. but i was just thinking, if im so used to being alone.. i'd probably become too "independent".. too immersed in my own things.. probably would ignore other things that are not related to me, things that i think are not important, things that i am not in there.. i would feel like not needing others.. i'd become more selfish.. and then others wouldnt care about me too.. forget i ever exist.. and i would not receive much love and care and and.. when not loved, not cared for, i wouldnt have enough love to give others.. not enough love to spread to the world (the chain goes on and on....) :p but yes, i think of it that way..

aaah awu, my asus is dead.. :( i decided its better for her to take a good rest.. motherboard is expensive.. most said its better to buy new laptops than repair motherboard.. not that i want to let her just die.. im trying to control my budget now.. cewaah.. wael said i can sell her parts, theyre good.. but.. kesian jua ia tu? hehe. got the hard drive though.. and im bringing her back home..

but at least this one thing made my hour today.. haha.. phoned KFC, wanted a delivery.. and he said "miss xxx? what is your order" told him my order- "one snack box. spicy" and he said "so one snack box, spicy, with two chicken wings" -- haha i almost laughed for the fact that they took down the note of my previous orders of chicken WINGS :p (whenever i ordered kfc delivery - which is inda malar, can count - i always requested chicken wings.. hehehe.. bagus dorang ani, take note.. hehehe)

bah hey hey~

procedure

2011-08-25T18:55:00.003+02:00

no.. no.. it was a mistake, i underestimated the procedure... there are more.. didnt read carefully tadi.. it's gonna be a long long journey.. sigh, think if i were home, it'd be easier? am i being gragas? or i am exactly supposed to be gragas.... mudahan tah sanang buat eh, amin.

60% done

2011-08-25T16:51:00.004+02:00

yea... brother didnt forget the promise. i was almost disappointed :p

and so, done with online application, but have to post documents lagi.. haih, banyak lah procedure. haih mengeluh lah aku? haha. nadalah.. just, i'll have to go here and there again.. but good enough, ada tempat post surat bawah rumah sja.. ;p ielts punya original document yg jauh ni, hopefully they can still provide me with posting.. pasal.. i am so so far behind from one month limit.

so... when? it'll be on sunday only. huu. fri and sat weekend here. but i can print on saturday, arah kampung seberang or kedai sberang (apa jua diri ni nada printer:p) i hope things progress fast, so i can breathe easy :p sapa suruh tangguh2... hehehe

oh babe, im so taking the risk.... im just gonna take the risk(s)...

pray for me, pray for whats the best for me.. :) and pray that im gonna be strong to go through whatever comes next... amin ya Allah..

okay

2011-08-24T19:16:00.003+02:00

remember how i complained for having a boring plain summer? haha, im liking the nothingness of it now :p doing nothing but staying at home. i like waking up late with no plans, i like sitting watching the air, i like the way i feel cooking makes me busy, i like being careless.. except now it might become extra nothing since asus is at wael. aah motherboardnya angus.. huhu.

i cant rely on this small buddy for a high performance, cannot cannot. now im being a little careful, i cant lose this one too, karang apa ku pkai for the important things? esseh. and so, kan mliat movie pun inda dpat brabis.. untuk yg alus2 nganya ku pkai ni.. hehe

aah also, no bawang putih, bawang merah, ayam, lada, halia at my house now. boring. haha. will go for grocery shopping tomorrow. and im in the mood for baking, i think. i actually thought that i wont be needing those bawang2.. macam eh alang2 jua ah kn bali lagi.. so i left the house empty for maybe a week, but i cannot tahan like that... i need bawang! :p

and these two days, i realised how much i havent enjoyed laughing. haha. i laughed, but forgot to enjoy them. forgot to feel the happiness in the laughters. thanks to the korean drama, caalii.. that drama plg makes me happy:p

emmm so.. yea so, tomorrow going to visit and decide fr asus, buy sour cream fr cake, buy bawang and gengnya, and... i dont know? i hope i wont be neglecting my sahur.. first time this year i didnt have one today pasal kalat mata sungguh2.. cooked fr myself and set alarm.. udah bepanaskn sgala, tpi tidur balik? haha. baik jua ingat kan menutup api:p in the end, minum aing nganya rupanya.. pemalas :s

then.. what? :p

daily news part two

2011-08-23T08:10:00.004+02:00

cant believe how morning it is now ;p opened my eyes at 4am, and woke up at 5am.. awal nyanta ku tdur dmlm.. oh no worries, sedang melalui hari hari akhir tidak berpuasa.. hee

looking forward for a productive day. yea

done with my australia application. inda.. haha. nadalah, tunggu darling punya credit card lagi. kahkah. but sigh, banyak ragu lah i with the application. inda apa, i'll just go with that.. and tawakkal. hasbunallahu wanikmal wakeel.. :)

then what? do the house chores, packing and look into the possible pending required documents. and and wait for wael's phone call of course. my asus is with them now. she's not well again. get well soon, ok dear? i love u still.. ;p

bah~

xxx august

2011-08-21T15:53:00.004+02:00

is........... tired.

its no fun when i wake up because i have to wake up, not because i want to wake up. haha:p

well, no results yet. had conversations with at least three people today. no, im not going to say or even to keep in mind the tentative date again. macam today is the day i wanna stop stuffing my brain with "soon". until further notice. hehe.

and so i'll start to fill the mind with other things, like things i wanna do, buy, go to, and settle the important things macam official letters, uni applications, etc (lalai mengalai kau ani).

tomorrow's gonna be my full-busy day. banyak kn ku aga, kn ku buat, kn ku taip, kn ku settle- or so it feels like. antah2 inda byk bnrnya. but but, aah have to go to at least 2 places... panas panas.. hahah

tomorrow - do not disturb. ceh haha.

oh btw, it felt good to have met my exam-hall-mate today. antah, but it felt good to exchange some hi hi hello hello. i hope to meet her or them again next time.

nah less than 2hrs before jalan lagi. quick quick, steal a rest! :p

2011-08-20T23:53:00.002+02:00

wooh. long day. sleepy and tired.

it became a window shopping. i was super super hesitant. sayang duit. haha. bali ani? no, costs too much. bali ani? but not really on the list. bali ani? but bnarkan.. msani inda kuat ati, tapi krg nyasal.. bali ani? aah mcm inda jua ngam ah, mikin mahal lagi. bali ani? YES, but have to cancel yg sbuting atu lah.. tpi bnar kn.. bali ani, cancel atu? BAH JANGANTAH DULU!! pkir tah bisai2 dang~ hahaha

tomorrow (ahad bh) going to school again.. and almost forgot (but now udah ingat jadi excited tia) going to sungkai at makcik arab also.... nyehnyehnyeh. sungkai at sohib (tuanrumah) one of us the stay-ee.. haha.. one of the friends punya sahib. switch liur dulu, indaku masuk ni bnarnya mkanan arab aani.. brabis inda.. but, its okay.. im good, im excited.. hehe

so.... now, i need nasi, sleeping shower and a gooooooood sleep ;)

dream dream roti

2011-08-20T01:12:00.003+02:00

wanna write this down here, while i remember. haha

last nite, had this weird dream.. went to buy a tiramisu, skalinya baaataaah, 3 jam baru siap. lpas tu aku marah, said : kalau tau udah mbuat smpai 3 jam atu, napa inda bagitau awal2? bulih juaku jalan tmpat lain dulu. err something like that:p then, went to this bazaar room.. saw all foods from home, tapi smua bentuk2 ruti lah.. but all i can remember were, ruti belanga.. ia bejual cmani.. 5/6 kilo = 58LE.. then i got angry again.. : mahalnya kah?? and it was hard trying to figure out what on earth does 5/6 mean? and i was trying to convert the price. i couldnt figure it out, but concluded its so so mahal, so so angry. hahaha. and also ada ruti paun inti itam... jual 10LE sbuting... bought that one! :p and saw many many other 'dessert' lah, tpi inda ingat.

jadinya mimpiku all in ruti-cakes-desserts pictures. tesliur kali? hahaha. but not consciously ;p

cute bh. :p

i'll try to sleep early karang.. bcause tomorrow morning going to airport and maybe shopping? hee hee

Pyramids August, 2011.

2011-08-19T03:47:00.003+02:00

past the predicted soon . its friday now. perhaps... wedns, thurs next week? haha. last year, it was 2-3 weeks after "soon". but yes, soon or no soon, im praying for the best. for whats the best for me, for us all.

today, went to pyramid. i dont know it this was for the last time.. or not. but im happy that today was a little different, we went there a little late.. so we went for the guide so that we could go to another panorama route. never did that, never went that route before. rode a carriage. it was windy, not a very hot Ramadhan. and most interesting was that we brought our traditional clothe, baju kurung, to the eyes of pyramid. :p we wore baju kurong. payah plg, but.. fun. and satisfying. haha. so, this man said - i like the colour of your dress. we said, well this is our traditional clothe! (hint of pride. :p) he said, really? well ours is galabia. dotdot exchange of culture talks. hehe. and, an advertisement for another guide for another time. hmm, i want a night trip, watching the stars. can? :) he said can! its one of the packages. but just do me a favour for now, just... be good egypt. be good.. dont make another shake... be safe like no one would ever worry.. be the home i knew, be the better home. anyway, the pyramid trip was actually for 'graduation shoots' - teasers~ haha. syhh. i havent got the 'graduation robe' though. so some of us will be back for good soon, very soon.... sad ah, we balik betempiritan.. huu

nine pyramids altogether :) but the prominent famous ones are those three, ofcourse.

i smelled like unta. past tense:p and i am tired now.

gonna take a sleeping shower:p and... i wanna sleep batah2, nyaman2.. no phone, no bell, no noise, no nightmare, no sleep thinking, i hope.

my long story~ :p

2011-08-16T23:26:00.008+02:00

i was excited to pack my books.. because i thought it'd be fun.. and more important, it'd be easy! but it turned out to make me.... a little reluctant, and sad.. looking at the academic books, the notes, the question papers.. oh, they refreshed my memory well! i looked at this book and remembered something, looked at the exam papers and smiled.. i remembered all the classes, the little-never-enough-effort i put, the difficulties, the joy and the pressure, all bah.. haha

and i remember, i never dreamed of coming here.. never.. when i really was able to study outside of the country, i was hesitant, wanted to study somewhere else because.. i dont know, just didnt have enough hati to be here i guess.. as i said, this was not my dream.. oh and i was scared psal hafalan quraan tu jua.. haha.. (astaghfirullah..) but then a lot of discussions and had enough advices from others and me myself weighed why i should choose here, so... i finally am here.

i didnt imagine life here would be the way it is.. 4 and a half years ago, i stumbled upon a picture of a senior studying here.. and i said, wah.. its different from what i thought.. thought egypt is all classic and u know left behind.. nada mall and all.. haha labih ah?

and now, bnar, yes there are different things about egypt.. there are some 'classical ways'.. the way the society live and act, the way things are dealt, the old systems (some, particularly in uni) or or more to being unsystematic.. brabis, look at the cars, the traffic .. look at the queues.. look at the way people respond on timing, the sleep pattern even.. haha.. but these all make egypt different, different and beautiful, somehow :) *tapi modern kali ah, kalah home.. hehe. ada mall basar by the way! :p

when i first came here.. i was scared of the uni academic.. it was surprising, the system, the chances of getting good results.. well i thought it was scary.. i even doubted my choice, bukan lagi doubt.. but close enough to regret... but... maybe we can use fear into all the positive things, make it what motivates us.. but i dont know, maybe its just luck, maybe its really the right way of using my fear, maybe its the prayers, the combination of all.. i went through my first year successfully, alhamdulillah. second year and after... the fear naik turun, and when turun... i sure was at some kind of peace but equally became super careless .. haha

anyway, with all the fear at the beginning and the super mixture of emotions after, i came to love this place, love the way life is here, love the beautiful places, the berkat, history, ilmu, agama of the place, love whatever i can learn from here.. love living my life here.. true i never dreamed of this, but all i feel for a long time now is how glad i am for being here.. how grateful i am.. and sometimes i would say to myself how come i didnt dream of this? how was it that i ever thought of regretting this? alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah for this opportunity.

i remember, when i was 7 yrs old.. or 8.. or 9.. when i was a child lah~ :p my brother was a student in one of the local arabic schools.. he said to me "doa kanak2 makbul.. so, pray what u want.. pray you will go and study in misr one day" - and i, much influenced by arabic school by what he said, included that in my prayer among other things, too... and maybe 12 years later, i really reached misr. i was amazed by kuasa Allah, seeing how my paths sudah tukar sana tukar sini, went to MD for a while and back again to the 6th form arabic school.. and as much as i hoped to but i didnt get the highest qualification/excellent result in upper six.. simply not the result that will bring me here, that will bring me any scholarship offer, no.. nothing based on history.. but we can create our own history, i guess.. there was this new scholarship offer for the school at that time, we were the first batch and the qualification wasnt based on the whole average grade but each subject grades.. i took the opportunity and here i am.. alhamdulillah. ive always thought this is one of the miracles in my life... whenever i am down, or shaken, i'll have to remember how grateful i am for this 'miracle' in the first place.. *oh not that i remember my prayer about misr for long long years until i was close to being here.. :)

anyway long story :)

but what i see is that, sesungguhnya tani hanya mampu merancang, Allah maha mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk hambaNya.. :) we never knew, never expected the better plan in stock for us, Allah knows the best

i hope, however it turns out to be.. i'll stand strong, i'll keep on a firm faith, pray to Allah semoga selalu ditabahkan hati dalam menempuh dugaan & cabaran hidup, sentiasa dalam pegangan iman, dalam lindungan Allah.. amin.. sesungguhnya Allah lah sebaik baik perancang, sebaik baik penentu.

when is soon?

2011-08-15T13:53:00.004+02:00

paused packing yesterday - and possibly today:p baru jua almari lapang, puas th atinya tu prasahannya.. haha:p

went to school again.. today..

"results not out yet?"
"no.. soon"
"soon...when?"
"soon... maybe wedns.. thurs.."

bnar kn..? haha. masa last year mana bnr tu:p but.. doesnt hurt to try, right? and because this year, there had been some good changes, like some results were available at the 'admin' at least 20 days to 3 weeks after our exam ended. just like the uni... had 'promised'. so, im hoping for the better.

and i was planning to pick up my translation paper today, said it would be done by 3pm. but it was still 1pm at that time... tapi.. mcm alang2 jua mun kan balik rumah dulu, so i browsed my internet mobile, cari nombor talipun itu tempat.. so i called.. the man: "oh actually we have two branches, which branch u wanted to call?"

eh salah rupanya.. then i told what branch i intended to call.. "okay, i'll give you the phone number" -- me: "wait" cari pen. got the pen but suddenly i was interrupted by an african man yg ke skulah atu.. wakil wifenya kali.. hehe.. "results are not out yet?" he asked.

nah my reflex action got confused. phone or him? him or phone. i said to the phone again "wait" i said to the african man "oh not yet" and wanted to continue my phone conversation.. skali pnjang lagi ckapnya "not out yet? not even in the control (course admin)?"
--me "oh control already"
--him "but where is control? i didnt see any control room"
--me "ohh.." began to explain, but oh yes, my phone conv!! got confused again, i spoke to this african man in english, tia pulang~ said, "wait" (wait pulang sja englishnya ani) haha. oh btw, my phone conversation was in english, the other conversation was in arabic. balum lagi kes tecakap melayu tu in response to other languages conversations. dudui.. poor responsive system. haha

so talked to the phone, scribed down the number and turned my attention to the african man again. "there are control rooms in this building. what is her course?" explained explained explained and "if ure not sure yet, you can ask people in there"

then called the number on my book.. "hello xxx center", the man answered.

me.. "hello.." suddenly thinking, the voice sounded familiar.. astaga, i called the first, the wrong number again. not only reflex actions got confused babe. haha

just, i found it... cute. hahaha nadawh.

anyway, baik jua i called beforehand pasalnya mnada siap translationku yet.. balum jua siap at 3pm.. they said only siap at 9pm.. malas th ku, lain kali sja ambil..

so... the important thing is.. when is soon? gatal2 sudah hati. haha. sabar~ :)

tiktok ticking

2011-08-12T21:33:00.002+02:00

Friday, August 12th, 2011. Cairo, Egypt.

3904.

officially started packing.

depending on the email reply, i might be only days away from... leaving.

leaving this wonderful place. this beautiful phase of life. these years of life-learning.

these are the days. they really are here. the days i thought ive foreseen 4 years ago.

:')

bzzzttt

2011-08-11T01:33:00.003+02:00

how.. a lot of thinking lately, make it hard for me to sleep.

besides, i have to think about decisions too.

and, about the future too.

reflections of me, of my life too.

also, many other things. even the smallest of things.

they all come at one time.

telling me how i really need to grow up..

they all come at one time.

just... restless and tired.

intentions actions

2011-08-10T23:35:00.003+02:00

the good intentions in a bad action.

perhaps, people might have misunderstood the good intentions behind an action.. but perhaps, its us who might have delivered the actions wrong, no matter how good the intentions are.

hati

2011-08-09T16:23:00.003+02:00

walau sedikit hidayah Allah yang benar-benar sampai diterima oleh hati, menyebabkan hati bagai dicarik-carik.. teringatkan dosa, terasa betapa kurangnya diri sebagai hambaNya.. hati terusik, terharu, teramat bersyukur dengan nikmat hidayah Allah.. saat yang sama, hati terasa amat tenang dan damai.. akhirnya, jalan pulang, jalan lurus ditemui.. saat yang sama, hati menjadi kuat, seperti dilimpahkan inspirasi tiada nilainya, seperti diberi keazaman baru, kehidupan yg baru.. saat yang sama, hati terasa takut kalau saat yg seterusnya hati kembali lalai, kembali tersesat.. entah bila lagi jalan pulang ditemui..

"hati itu umpama cermin, jika terang cermin itu maka teranglah ilmu pengetahuan yg diterima" -menurut Imam Ghazali, rahimahullah.

; teori cermin (al-Mir’ah) Imam Ghazali, dalam karyanya yang sangat terkenal itu –Ihya’ ‘ulum al-Din. Menurut Imam Ghazali, hati manusia ibarat cermin, sedangkan petunjuk Tuhan bagaikan nur atau cahaya. Dengan demikian jika hati manusia benar-benar bersih niscaya ia akan bisa menangkap cahaya petunjuk Ilahi dan memantulkan cahaya tersebut ke sekitarnya - (this phara about theory is copy pasted from a blog)

ya Allah, semoga hati kami selalu terang dengan hidayah dan petunjukMu.. amin

ai

2011-08-09T03:53:00.002+02:00

bohhh ssssiiigghhh. is it the way i read words and things that make me feel like i am misunderstood and that i too, understand things wrongly.

apakan ni, is it me - with things to think of and some emotional conflicts or pms or is it really the way it is?

i know one way to blame me.. but.. u see, im not the only element..

frustrated jua... at this very moment :(

of mixtures

2011-08-09T02:57:00.006+02:00

i dont feel good... i need a good sleep. i feel weak.. mcm effect lapas minum kupi and inda dpat tdur.. tapi bkn plg.. just the sleepless night. and the tiring day, ngaleh nyamu ke hussin atu time2 puasa! haha. mun mliat aing bewap and ice bsurung di sana atu, bari beistighapar eh. (istighfaaaar. hehe). "dont look dont look, tutup mata, alihkan pndangan.. sesungguhnya orang yg sdang berpuasa itu teruji iman dan kesabarannya.." hehehe

so.. i feel like.. sangaaaal~ tpi mostly sangal-lack-of-sleep punya sangal.. and my right arm/hand (ndaku tau bh mna singgan part arm ani.. atau bleh jua utk whole part? haha. google2, or ask. hahaha :p) ytah TANGAN kanan ku sangaaal bnr, been suffering from this gatal2 since... a week? tpi sikit2 bh, sbuting2 atau dua at one time... and dorang jadi bangkak and purple.. and now yg arah tangan ani bangkak, merah purple and mcm ada air/possibly nanah (barigali? soriii. :p).. and so, inda nyaman rasa kesihatan i~ indaku tau if sbenarnya external body sja yg kurang sehat atau ada immune system pun sdang berjuang.. but i dont feel good. oh the good thing is that.. this is the first time aku suffer sensitive skin due to weather (mangkali) - of this kind punya sensitive skin - spanjang ku di misr ani.. before ani, just minor minor,, inda bangkak.. skali somehow im okay with this.. ampit jua experience-kind-of-okay *aku assume wah ani ni 'hassasiyah' yg due to weather base on friend's experience

and my stomach inda nyaman.. mcm kn mutah, i think due to exhaustion and lack of sleep.

plus... mostly because im in mixture of emotions now. i know there's a lot of happiness there, in me. and.. a lot of thinking too. and.. maybe worries.. and.. maybe excitement... mixture of emotions lah.. make me restless, not in a bad way.. but restless... nanti ku describe tah kali.. tapi.. yg bnr bnr bnrnya, alhamdulillah, syukran lillahi ala nikmatihi.

haaii, i should have posted something yesterday, when there was clearly one emotion that dominated - HAPPINESS, just so my words and expression in here would justify how grateful and happy i am.

alhamdulillah ya Allah.

=)

people and us

2011-08-07T02:56:00.003+02:00

sometimes.. when we look at someone, and they carry those wide smiles, bright eyes.. they look so... happy, so carefree.. we assume. we assume they have a perfect life, where they are far from problems.. no burden, no responsibilities.. and we say to them "what kind of worries would u have? u never have problems" but what do we know, really?

perhaps.. we can assume the opposite instead, that each person in this world carries the unspoken.. their own problems.. be it the burden they carry, be it the worries, be it the guilt, be it the sin.. what do we know, really?

a smile, a silence, words... they can mean different things..

versus

2011-08-01T13:53:00.004+02:00

the difference that i can think of now.. of why last summer felt.... special and super awesome.. and and this summer feels, (i personally think), plain and boring and dull... because because.. last year i was striving for something, striving for survival at the least! this year, it doesnt feel much different from any other normal days i spent here... except that i have so much empty (feelings and schedule) this summer..

and last year, i tried many new things, full schedule days, spent my time with the people i barely spent my daily days with (oh i miss you two!).. and therefore.. thats why i enjoyed last year more.. and.. i became that super appreciative.. partly because i knew those days wont repeat again.. i'll never get to experience the same..

(aah maybe i shouldnt have let my summer be empty, should have registered for some classes or something? haha tpi malasku eh~ stressku karang... tpi in the end, the pressure's gonna be worth it.. i know..)

oh and because.. this year.. i dont get to spend my days the ways ive always imagined..

but then, syukran lillah ala kulli hal.. thousands of reasons for why things happened the way they happened..

and its me who cant really bring and feel the joy in the things that i do.. sobsobsob

رمضان كريم

2011-08-01T01:56:00.002+02:00

1 Ramadhan 1432H, Egypt.

i am given the chance to be in another Ramadhan again, alhamdulillah ya Rabb, ya Allah.

its always good to see how misr people always take ramadhan as the grand month, much more than Eid ilfitri's celebration. as i said before.. lights everywhere, joy and happy noises, lanterns, the sounds of ayat al kareemah... nothing changes much this year, ofcourse. oh except traffic is okay pun..

and unfortunately for me, i dont feel what i felt last year.. that feeling of wanting to appreciate everything, every little thing.. i wanted to remember and feel every micro details of things and events - at least i had put my camera into actions last year, on almost every step =p plus i wanted to make full use of my every minute.... sad you know, not having such feelings now.. bnar..

so anyway, i hope i will do good in this holy precious month.. make full use of it, benefits from many angles.. understand what ramadhan really means, appreciate its value.. closer to The Almighty Creator Allah.. menjadi insan yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.. selalu diberi kesabaran.. semoga puasa dan ibadah tani diterima Allah, amin amin.

اللَهم انك عفوٌ كريم تحب العفو فاعف عنى
"Allahumma Innaka 'Ufuwwun Karimun Tuhibbul 'Afwa Fa'fu 'Anni"

(Ya Allah Kau lah Tuhan yang sangat suka mengampun, ampunilah dosa-dosaku)

doubts

2011-07-28T22:24:00.003+02:00

"what i lack in physical strength, i make up for in determination" =p

but.. without enough interest, not wanting enough, determination fails to exist.. and without determination, what am i?

and so... i keep doubting myself..

pull me out, pick me up.. make me believe, again...

behapa..

2011-07-27T15:33:00.003+02:00

have u ever been 'stung' by 'pikat'? err do people, generally even know what 'pikat' is? haha atau thats just they way some people, like me, name it?

yatah kn.. there are these weird something on my skin - mostly hand/arm.. macam bakas kna gigit pikat, only that ada lagi penambah perisa toppingnya.. ada muncung (what am i describing? hahaha) and theyre like.. spreading.. kalau di kukut.. then appear tah the island of pikat swell.. with the topping.. apakan the cause ah?

just curious what the cause is? klw banyak bnr tu, u can imagine like... "becoming a monster" punya skin :p

*mcm jobless*

stand by you and you and you

2011-07-26T17:58:00.007+02:00

there are a few people in this world.. less than a few, in fact.. who will always have me stand by them, no matter what..

and even IF they make mistakes.. i will stand by them, not in the way that i will fight for the mistakes, go along with those.. no, no.. i will be on their side, probably hating their mistakes, too.. but no matter how wrong they are, no matter how i may hate the mistakes, i can never hate them.. for i know i can always forgive them.. and be there for them.. even when the whole world turn against them, throw the blame on their shoulders.. even if in the end.. its us against the world..

yes, i will.. for those less than few =)

dear..

2011-07-25T00:04:00.006+02:00

.. sometimes, even those who are very dear to our heart, very close to us.. dont understand us that well.. they dont really get what we are saying, what in our mind, what our joke really is about.. more than often they read us wrong.. they dont get who we really are.. and they.. somehow dont have the mind telepathy magic... and i have to say, i am surprised.. i am surprised that it could happen between two close people.. surprised.. and.. disappointed..and then it makes me think, so what makes two people that close, that..... connected, somehow? there are some parts in us that they treasure.. there are some parts of them that we feel so easy to be with.. and things that we dont find in others whenever we are with them.. yes, maybe.. maybe.. that is why.. we end up that close because somehow we love each other enough to always be there for one another.. just enough to feel easy to be around with..

.. while there are those people that we feel at ease to talk to.. people that we feel like we can talk just about anything.. its so comforting and easy to share some conversations.. share our stories, exchange our views without a hint of judgment.. and get out whatever it is there in the bottom of our heart.. someone we share the telepathy with.. understand us in many ways.. but.. but.. somehow, there is always this barrier that we never cross between us.. like, i am not depending on you, and so are you - not depending on me.. we always have to be careful with each other.. yes, we share those talks.. and i wish we can always talk like that but i guess, we dont care enough, not more than that.. somehow, besides the talk, and the mutual interests, there are just so many parts of us that dont make us a good partner.. not in the way it makes each of us easy to be around each other.. not in the way that we will be always be there for one another.. there are parts of them, of each other that are not easy to forgive..

.. there are vital parts that are missing in both relationships.. friendships..

.. i mean, people are dear to us for different reasons.. two people become close for different reasons.. and its important for us to realise that we dont get everything in a person.. and for what we dont get from them.. we learn to forgive..

.. we dont get everything in a person.. no, we dont get everything in life..

.. but say, one day i cross the path where i have to choose between the two "closeness".. i dont know.. i dont know.. i sure dont wanna be with someone who doesnt understand me deeply, who get me wrong.. and yet, i have to ignore that and forgive that everytime.. but i sure dont wanna be with someone who i dont feel easy to be around with all the time.. too..

.. but yes, we dont get everything in life.......

(except.. i dont write, i havent written yet my third or or fourth or fifth version of choices, of "closeness", of relationships, of friendships.. that.. maybe isnt so hard to forgive and live with.. no matter what:p)

.. but still, just know that we dont get everything in life......

these early good-byes

2011-07-23T14:41:00.003+02:00

blues~

or maybe just a plain boredom.. haha

a change makes a chain of other changes u know..

when it becomes like this.. things become like this.. oh actually when egypt became like this months months ago.. things changed..

ive always wanted to go on an egypt trip.. "i'll do a trip across all egypt when i am in my 4th year.. while i got nothing to do.. on my summer break.. " -go to one place after another until i make my footprints in every places, back only when i get to visit all.. understand what bumi anbiyaa really means.. but i guess, i was too late to realise that things could change in a blink of an eye..

and now.. people, people that i supposed to spend my time with on the summer break.. spend our time together while we still have the time.. get the best last bits of egypt in our head.. and heart.. and do it naturally, without having to have the mindset "theyre going back in a few days" ..not all will be here for long.. and.. things feel like falling all over the place now..

and i have to realise.. things wouldnt be the same now even for those who stay.. because now, we spend our time together just so to make up for the soon-not-being-able to spend the time together.. ever anymore.. and most of all, because its not all of us here anymore.. things.. arent the way ive always imagined.. not in the way ive always pictured..

as much as i have to let go this phase of life.. need to get out of it.. it is not easy.. not easy to just wrap up my life, start a new phase and forget what was there in the past 4 years...

for i know, things will be different.. things will be harder.. and i am gonna miss this phase of life.. i am gonna miss everyone in it..

.. la vie

2011-07-21T00:22:00.005+02:00

for some precious years of my 23 years.. i lived where excuses should not exist..

for some precious years.. i lived to learn that anything is possible..

and for most of my life.. i lived where i always made my own choices.. taught to be independent for my every decision..

..... .. ....

made the good parts of me.. made the bad parts of me..

... ....

and again..

2011-07-20T00:26:00.006+02:00

so.. heard the rumours.

i.. honestly dont wanna go back home.. just YET.. i mean, not before the time i expected..

i wanna spend whatever time i have left for this place..

and leave with no rush, with no worries, with a clean break.. clean ending.. (amin.. bi-iznillah..)

set my heart at peace..

lets just wait for what happens next, until things are confirmed.

but.. i have to remember, whatever it is... sure for the best.

mun ku balik awal before my estimated time, behapa ku ah? i wanna babysit and do nothing sbenarnya.. that is after my expected time tapinya.. so, mun awal.. mengurat tah ku tu.. he he he

inda papa, just.. its the feeling of "not getting what you want" kind of thing. hehe. but again, sure.. for the best. (not being sarcastic or or cynical. i mean, really)

oh bytheway 20th July, its my brother's birthday today!! my third brother. happy birthday abang ku! =p last year he said something like this "thank you adikku yang sudah basar, but always the little one in my eyes" =) *aah i take it as both bad and good statement- bad because they will always take me as kanak2, good because they will always love me that way :p

i hope he's having one wonderful birthday.

mudahan betambah2 rezeki..
selalu menjadi suami & babah yang baik..
sentiasa dalam lindungan & hidayah Allah..
happy and success dunia akhirat.. amin..

and all the best wishes are there in the world..

amin amin ya Allah..

thanks for everything..

love you all! =p

far far away kingdom

2011-07-17T19:55:00.003+02:00

tell me, where can i find my far far away kingdom? :)

went out today, after a few days of lock down :p not really, ke markaz ke sharif jua bh ku skajap. hehe. but still, its most of the hours thats count~ :p

so.. went out today, wanted to fulfill tesliur ku.. which are "spegeti jollibee" - dont ask how im gonna do it. tapinya.. bnrnya mnadaku slalu mkan spegeti jollibee.. hehehe. and and this biscuit that looks delicious.. skalinya, i thought alang2 jua ke metro sja.. so i watched a movie, fast five. i was torn between transformers and fast five.. (because fast five bekurun2 sudah di wayang.. karang abis tia. and fast furious-es are my favourite) nasib tia jua transformers ani nada main awal atu.. so it was fast five.. i thought i'd have the cinema to myself.. i mean, its such an old movie... tapi banyak jua urg :s and the cinema is cinema melangui.. andangnya di genena inda siuk.. aah someday, i want to have the cinema to myself, ku cucuk yg pagi.. movie yg kurang hot sudah.. hehe

but why oh why, the counter-men had to ask things like "ticket for one? alone? youre watching it alone?" i mean, come on.. why not? i did this already before- watching movie alone- but no question asked.. pasal pasal pasal genena damit kali and i am a foreigner, so easy to notice...

anyway, i like Roman Pierce! haha. Fast furious paling ku suka yg ke brapa tu ah? yg si o'conor sama roman pierce. hehe

gonna continue my hours being the good housewife i am.. =p menyasah, manyap bilik-maybe-, cooking and baking- maybe.

ooo yiii~

(oh apparently no baking, ada missed barang. esuk ku jalan lagi kjap :s)

happy birthday si kakaku

2011-07-17T00:14:00.006+02:00

its my sister's birthday today.. 17th july. i dont know how to greet her on facebook.. because greetings on facebook, i think are becoming lame. i mean, maybe I THINK its lame.. but they all come from the heart, people mean them, mean what they say.... and that means a lot to the birthday people. its just, i stopped greeting people on facebook at some points... i dont know.. maybe its the mood, maybe i just missed the notifications and other people's greetings or maybe i pretended to have missed those because to be perfectly honest.. sometimes, i questioned my sincerity.. but then again.. sincere or not.. that doesnt matter, people are happy to be greeted in any way, from anyone, i know. what differs is the level of happiness, some greetings, some people have such powers on you.. make u happier than the other.. so i guess, there shouldnt be questions of sincerity.. because maybe my greetings- regardless the fact of my non importance existence to them- might put a smile on their faces, i mean.. maybe, could be, who knows :)

so anyway.. i was thinking.. of what she likes.. one of the things she loves is cat and she is not a fan of my drawing (i dont like mine too:p) therefore i drew her a cat, drew her cats - so that now she has to like my drawing no matter what. haha =p

i guess, in relation to birthday - growing older, wiser, the cat here shows "growth" too. haha. manasja tah ih

i hope my sister is having one smacking wonderful day.

and i pray for her..

semoga selalu diberi kesabaran & ketabahan..
dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan..
mudahan happy and success dunia akhirat..
diberkati umur.. deberkati hidup..
sentiasa dalam lindungan & hidayah Allah..

and all the best wishes are there in the world...

amin, amin ya Allah..

i love you!

(oh i have two sisters. the other one birthday time march~ love them both! )

yours sincerely

2011-07-16T03:38:00.004+02:00

many times.. things that hurt us, words, people, actions, events that hit us somewhere bad... we let them slid..

we thought it is patience, but sliding things without sincere acceptance and forgiveness... will build up resentment instead of tolerance.. the tolerance we thought we would earn by burying things inside..

the next time those same things hit us.. the next time we meet the same words, the same flaws.. they become magnified, all that we felt becomes worse.. heightened.. until all we have inside is hatred.. until we can only see the wrong things in every little thing..

whoever says patience is easy?

maybe easy enough, when we really understand what patience is. maybe easy enough, when we are willing to find where sincerity lies....

16 plus 8 equals 24

2011-07-15T21:03:00.003+02:00

so.. i counted. not intentionally, but i counted. haha. puasa in cairo, klw time july-aug.. specifically july lah.. pasal aku nda sure waktu solat bulan august yet.. waktu puasa time ani.. is like 15-16hrs :s woooh batah rupanya.. brunei around 13hrs (and plus) sj..

yatah, puasa sini 16hrs... that leaves 8hrs waktu makan.. no wonder, it made me mkan like every 2-3hrs.. (pasal there is plenty of food, mcm rugi mun nda sampat mkan, karang tabayang2:p) plus mbari kalat mata wah, barat th pulang kn bngun sahur.. normally, i would still be up at 12-1-2-3-4 am.. tapi these days, i fell asleep around 10pm or 12am.. therefore made it hard fr me to wake up again at 2am. and since i eat every 2-3hrs or so, plus forcing myself to wake up at 2am, it makes sahur inda nyaman.. haha. and maybe that explains why the day feels short:p

that is.. all?

yatah nganya CERITA ku tu ;b

my cave

2011-07-14T02:59:00.004+02:00

woooo... good to be home. =p

the day feels short. spent my day cooking and baking. (its fun - tapi ngalih eh. haha) my whole life, ive only baked three types of cakes. chocolate oreo cheesecake, brownies, and cocoa cheesecake (coklet cheesecake plg namanya, but cocoa jua tu ia pakai.. cocoa lah :p rasanya pun cocoa). atu nganya pemandaiku. should try more! but.. cakes are ridiculous! so not healthy ;( macam.. brapa banyak lah gulanya.. campur lagi kolestrol talur, campur lagi other sweeteners. aish.

spent the day sleeping and watching whatever sorts of fictions too.

im gonna enjoy my days! until im tired of being in the house. and hopefully, its enough time until i dont get annoyed by every little thing, until i am in no bitter mood.

actually, its about the same time of the year as last year i felt this way - feeling bitter, annoyed easily, angry and all i wanted was to be home and "alone". but last year, it was harder and brabis bitternya because i was actually adjusting to being really alone at the house and the hectic summer courses. tapi as the days went by, i felt better, a lot better, happy and i liked my summer days.

anyway, i think ive gotta think again... 'am i really excited for the coming ramadhan in cairo?' hahaha. panasss and ngalih yg lain ngalihnya... i imagine i will have to force myself to cook nanti.. and i will prefer to stay at home (ada tu karang yg julur2 karing lihir mun kn bejaur bnr :p) then if im gonna eat out, i'll have to be really early to compete for the place with the crowd. and the days are gonna be short.. tidur pagi, bngun ptg, masak.. sungkai.. (then bepanyap kah, ke masjid kah.. ) and a few hours later around 10pm, gets sleepy and wake up again after 2-3hrs (or substitute tidur to jalan2 kah), then masak.. or makan sja tarus sahur.. and thats the cycle of the days. short. or so it feels like.

but... its gonna be siok jua i think, in some ways. =D

bitter

2011-07-13T02:34:00.002+02:00

i know it well, the feeling of wanting the exam to be over.. wishing you dont have to sit all day long and revise.. not having to be sleepy and get tired of it.. and know it well too, when the exam is over, really over - just like you wished for.. it feels good, but you lost the exam routine hence the drastic "emptiness" and "hollow" of time-spending. you dont have to limit your time anymore, saying to yourself 'this is only for an hour, lapas tu aku mngafal' (but ofcourse not! one hour became two hrs and three.. and u name it). there is a certain emptiness.. something that is missing.. then, we have to re-adjust to the new routine.

been spending my two and a half days out of the house-most of the hours. ironically, i didnt have good and enough sleep these two days- exam punya sleep was better. but im gonna spend my next few days caved in the house. i want to re-adjust! (kn mqadha puasaku :p saaamaa... i just feel bitter)

and when i feel bitter, its like i dont feel an ounce of care of the world around me, of the things around, and even of the people around (generally, not exactly individually) .. i dont feel an ounce of love in me.. completely feeling dull and bitter.... i just wanna be home- wherever, whatever home is to me at those moments. because, if not.. im just gonna hate myself, and people will hate me and i will end up hurting those around me.. and just... the world seems a little bit darker than it already is. and i wanna run away from it, be in my own world.

now, i just wanna be home. caved in the house for a few days. keep myself from the crowd. be alone. spend my days lazying, do the exam routine- except now its without school-books. and yes, qadha puasa.

the price

2011-07-12T00:47:00.010+02:00

aaah. we have to admit.. there were times in life that we spent our time, our thoughts on the wrong people. and no matter how many times we cursed ourselves.. no matter how we wanted to put it as something regretful... as a mistake.. as a bad decision.. then somehow, we would remember why in the first place did we put ourselves at such expenses. and.. in the end, we know.. "the heart wants what the heart wants". that was why. right or wrong, mistake or not, we have to admit too, what we felt is what we felt.

i guess.. we'll just have to live with that- be reminded of the wrong things in our life and laugh at those mistakes, at how foolish we may seem... and yet, even when we laugh hard, even when we shake our heads profusely.. as pathetic we see we were.. it feels.. it feels.. like.. it is not really fair to put a blame on anything, not them.. not us.. nothing.. mistakes that were not really mistakes, but they can never be not mistakes.

step up

2011-07-10T00:29:00.004+02:00

step up. is it late already to say "step up" your game now? haha. yea im like 12 hrs to exam now.. but there is no 12 hrs more i am gonna continue revising, i'll literally collapse :p

im exhausted. but like i said, i still have to step up. there is no way im gonna go into the exam room with what i have now.

haih. mudahan tah tejawab bagus punya jwapan karang. amin! amin ya Allah

injured eye

2011-07-07T18:54:00.007+02:00

this is what happens when you dont get enough sleep...

beibun ku tu beibun!!

happened somewhere end of october, 2010. got some little sweet wounds on the face, and on the eye lid-gave me one swollen eye. from a little accident during quadbike. my THIRD quadbike. never did get a scratch during the first two, skali yg ke tiga atu...... i did so many stunts, so many failed 'suicidal attempts' that i finally got at least one-almost-successful. haha. inda lah, it was light. but i didnt know how exactly i could get into the accident. i mean.. the speed was under 10! or at least under 15! im sure because at least a witness said so, and im sure because bikes in front of me were forming a line- slow and mem-brake, so i guess i was trying to slow down and brake my bike.. but instead i turned my bike away because i didnt brake in time, trying to avoid something.. and i hit the tree. kana garit... (hmmm. maybe!)

but the photo above, was during my 'recovery' process. lawa sudah tu. haha. compared to when the wounds were still uncleaned. ani becream2 sudah~ :D -except creamnya inda pandai rata ulihku pasal aku takut sakit klwnya luan masuk arah luka. hahaha. and that was how i walked around and i didnt care. mana barimalu di sini, especially places like sharm =)

oh anyway, my sleep is not terrible :p okay lah.. &&& aku te-gagas tia nah kan abis exam.. heh heh. (gagas is not good!) my exam will be over soon.. like, in 3.. emm 2 half days? satuuu lagi. satu. one. i like the sound of it.

tapinya now.. aku kana attack ulih malas. haha.

bah!! putik smula the motivations and spirit we dropped along the way. lets take a deep breath. close the eyes. and start fresh again!

street-asir

2011-07-04T04:13:00.009+02:00

when the exam is over, one thing i sure want to do is... minum asir.

minum asir and just sit around, outside the kadai. along the street. sit and do nothing and no further planning on what to do next. thats what i like to do- do nothing. just go where the instincts lead you to. just do what the instincts want you to.

sit, talk to the people youre with, or just look around.. watch the people and the place with nothing specific in mind.. or.. just you being lost in your thoughts.

awesome.

its not really doing nothing then :p

(and its no fun doing this kind of thing alone pulang. haha. except those moments when i feel like walking alone or sitting alone and be on my own, hoping to get some peace of mind and serenity from being alone)

alright~

seconds- of reminder

2011-07-02T17:02:00.004+02:00

countless.. we feel so happy, so healthy, so lively as if it can never be taken away from us.. so preoccupied with our 'life' that we forget we could die just any second...

im scared to even just post this up. scared of what i feel about this. but i hope by posting this up, it will be my constant reminder... for at least, i will remember writing this and remember the feeling that should be here.

we should be grateful to Allah, to be reminded of death and at least have the feeling to do something about it. do something so that we end the good end. towards Him, towards jannah. amin ya Rabbi.

=)

because... how many times actually we even think about how we might end? and it is indeed scary.

Allahumaj'al khaira umri aakhirahu, wa khaira amali khawatimahu, wa khaira ayyami yauma liqa-ika.

Ya Allah jadikanlah sebaik-baik umurku pada hujungnya dan sebaik-baik amalku pada akhir hayatku, dan jadikanlah sebaik-baik hariku iaitu hari aku bertemu denganMu (hari kiamat)

Allahumakhtim lana bihusnul khatimah, wala takhtim alaina bisuu-il khatimah.

Ya Allah akhiirilah hidup kaami dengan husnul khatimah (akhir yang baik) dan jangan engkau akhiri hidup kami dengan suu-ul-khatimah (akhir yang buruk)

amin ya Rabb!

happy hours?

2011-07-02T00:08:00.002+02:00

these days... i am happiiiesssst when i am asleep.

hmmm.

Ramadhan

2011-06-29T21:23:00.004+02:00

my stay here, during the last summer break.. was only until one night of Ramadhan.. i remember having this conversation with a young man.. jual beli man.. a few days before ramadhan..

"are you going back to your country or are you going to spend ramadhan here?" he asked.

"am going back"

"which is better, where is nicer - ramadhan here or ramadhan in your country"

i smiled, and said .. "emm.. ramadhan here is nice, but.. in my country, i get to spend ramadhan with my family"

he nodded some light nods. said.. "diblomasia"

"hah?"

"diblomasia"

signaled a friend with a shared stare "diplomacy, i think" she whispered.

oh yes young man, i am a libra-n. a birth-star-sign happened to be described as "diplomatic" and balanced. but.. whether it is true or not.,depends. that day, it happened to be true. other days, may not be. haha

i think i am excited to spend ramadhan here, soon! with all the hot weather and traffic. :p

tapi macam siuk. the first ramadhan here was yr 1 (no fun because i was a freshie and being here was new to me) 2nd yr, emm.. around 10 days of ramadhan.. but i was still unpacked.. just got back from home.

last year, all i got to see and experience was the unbelievable traffic, extremely hard to get taxi. the beautiful ramadhan lantern all over the area. and the first night of ramadhan, and it was beautiful.... meriah, with all the sounds of ayat al kareemah from the mosques, with the lines of people walking to and from the mosques, with all the light, with all the badil, with all the happy noises, with all the joy and happy and friendly faces people showed..

i definitely am looking forward to it! =)

cant think of any title

2011-06-27T00:31:00.007+02:00

but i still have that excitement when i am watching PB.. its like one love that you've somehow forgotten about, a love you've buried deep, and when u see them again, or see even as little as the triggers, the sparks are there.. and everything is before your eyes.. come back, again. and.. you keep falling in love for the same one. over again.

(emm.. but.. doesnt mean thats the only one love u have, the only one thing u love.. heh.. )

wooh macam sirius :p

tapi awuuu, aku liat kan.. and then these things pop in my mind "how did they manage to get pass through that and this, atu cana bulih jadi catu ah? forgot a bit" and that i still think of things like "come on. dont die, dont get caught" - when i already knew how things are in the end. aish, i know clear crystal they broke out of the prison(s) and the brother is not chair-electrocuted (apakan namanya?=p) that he is alive and well till the end. ceh. apala. and i'll have this in mind too "eh yg part atu mana ah? yg part sekian2. aah i remember this, i remember that. mana ya ah?" and ceh again! haha

emm. actually, i kind of lost track of dates. exam does that, sometimes. i sometimes lost track of days too. because all i have in mind, i have exam on certain2 day and then i got confused, 'ari ani ahad kah rabu ah?' i know the gaps between exam days are obvious, can count from that. but if i were asked instantly, then i can actually MANAGE to be wrong jua. haha. but this time around, i lost track of date!! like, really. hmm

bah........

doors

2011-06-23T18:28:00.004+02:00

Sucre is one of my most favourite screen characters. one sweet man, very loyal. value love, friendship and his belief the most. he may not be smart or rich, not a somebody but he is full of heart and happy. he is funny, sometimes. and handsome, no less.

skalinya ku meliat prison break lagi smula... mencari mara. haha. but, thats a lot better than watching new series/dramas.. because then i will get excited and all i think about is watching next episode and next and next.. sampai satu season tu seharii karang. i told you, ive thrown up once bakas meliat series seharian (with sleep and food-deprivation) psal msatu lpas exam prasanku, the very day of abis exam.. or something. forgot. but throwing up is much less of a problem here than wasting so much time and leaving the book and possibly regretting so much.

here here, scofield says: "when i was a little, i was afraid of cupboard. because i always thought there was a monster inside.. but my brother told me that its only a fear, and a fear is not even real. its not made up of anything. its like an air, not even that. its nothing. so just open the door and face whatever is inside.."

"so whenever i have fear, i know its not real and i'll open the door and face whatever is inside. but in here (prison), i open that door and there are just so many doors behind it"

(or my edited version of what scofield said. macam tah ku ingat bnr2 =p)

for me, i know what door of fear that has so many doors behind it. i can list a few of mine, although im not so sure of that. because well, what if they actually have only one door? =)

so yes, lets just open the door.. and the door after, and the door after. because fear isnt real?

(but if fear isnt real, so is courage and maybe happiness and maybe sadness etc? haha) nadawah! buring.. =p

its just saying our capability to plant whatever we want on our mind. to change things base on our mindset and the way we see them. in short, the power of mind and will.

heh heh. actually im kind of worried to get damam during exam, its kind of panas outside these two days.. and blablabla skali karang sakit kpala, beingus.. macam ada jua rasa2 uncomfortable di lihir or kpala ani..... (but still good, for now, i can still run, can still gulik2 and whatever :p)

SO minum aing banyak2 and a lot of vitamin c. go to sharif, sc, metro and buy a lot of oranges.

pre-holiday

2011-06-19T17:30:00.002+02:00

why are there so many pretty pictures of pretty places on facebook lately? :(

i wanna go holiday already!

(no worries, thats only the weak parts of me saying)

obses ni

2011-06-18T23:37:00.004+02:00

(eh.. obses kali bini2 ani?) haha

nah nah patchi flowers ku~

close up close up.. aren't they pretty?? :')

kesian pink and green nda brapa nampak. i want to keep fresh flowers in the room, change them when they turned brown. (angan2.... :p -or not- :p)

haha. i keep saying the same things (whats happening whats happening to me?:P) but but.. biar tia wah.... while i still care, while i still can feel good inside, while the flowers are not brown-ish-yet.. while i still have some 'free' time.. while i still think flowers can make me happy.. while i still enjoy the beauty of flowers.. while i still can..

&&&

good luck.. Bittaufiq wannajah wassa'adah, inshaAllah!! (in exams, in everything you do)

flowers patchi (where nothingness can be happiness)

2011-06-18T18:28:00.004+02:00

happy!! pasal got my patchi and flowers.. bnar.. happyku yg happy. haha.

(padahalnya bunga bekarih2 bali sendiri jua nganya. bpaluh2 ku mbali. bukan jua bunga yang dari lakilaki hensem kayangan) :p

see.. happiness is simple. even 'nothing-ness' can make me happy. its like.. simple things give huge impacts when hit at the right place. :)

and patchi, si housemate ku ani went out fr her exam battle kan.. then i saw her on fb, meaning ia abis sudah exam.. but nda jua balik2nya ke rumah.. then i was wondering where was she? target2 and calculating and somehow seconds before i called her, i remembered she wanted to bali mangga arah sc. then.. thats where it met the story of my patchi. timakasih jil :p (ndaku mengumpat. aku mbgitau ia ni:p)

i was sure i was getting my patchi. it was indeed mengacau keamanan utakku sudah. (saying and saying to myself: bila baik mbali ah? am i even going to buy it?). but since i was getting it already, then the flowers came to dominate my mind.. then i said "why not get both of them?" then thats where it met the story of my colourful and fresh flowers.

after bpaluh mbali bunga (HAHA:P), i saw pajil waiting fr our apartment punya elevator.. and thats where patchi met flowers.

and therefore... I AM HAPPY. fr getting what i want. fr getting what i thought would make me happy.

you two are no longer mngacau otak akoo now. instead, turn out to make me happy.

haha . i know, its like buang tebiat. call me whatever~ but i am happy~ at least fr now~

:)

patchi flowers

2011-06-18T00:57:00.006+02:00

running out of PATCHI. patchiato~ huaha.

mngapa tia nyaman cuklit patchi-nya ani nyaman yg luar biasa sdikit :p jauh bh sc atu. jauh tia time2 exam ani. but yeah, lets see... if there's a will. if the will is strong enough, i'll find my way to sc or just any patchi in the world. labeeyhh ni labih :p

i am in the mood of (patchi :P) and and and of having a bouquet of beautiful scented fresh flowers in my room. macam you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is those colourful flowers. and all you can smell is the fresh-flowers-smell. hence, your spirit kna boost up.

walaupun layu tia sehari dua.....

inda kan? jangan tah~~ :p

lets see... if its an imagination with implementation or imagination just imagination. if there's a will.......

:)

summer 2010

2011-06-14T17:30:00.009+02:00

"as a human resource department, we look for someone who is not only active but proactive. there is a big difference between active and proactive"

"active people solve problems that exist at the moment. and plan for only the moment. they take good actions but only for the existing scenarios. while proactive are creative and active people, who think of future problems that might occur and find the possible solutions. they create scenarios that might happen and plans fr the future. they visualise future and also take actions for the moment"

"so.. there are only 30% of those great people and 70% ordinary people"

the first few lines that my HR teacher said during the very first class. i remember, because i tried my best paying my full attention during the two first classes. and then.... i got bored.. and.. tired.. and away. haha. to the point where the teacher had to pakai skill umban gula2.. heehee

it was a good class, where it forced me to be 'creative' and got to learn new things.

i miss my last summer. and i miss this,

almost one year ago.. the almost forgotten 'skills'. ahaha. never thought i'd ever learn music...

(at the beginning, i had doubts about learning and playing music, (in islamic perspective) esp strings instruments, then we referred to some books and people.. and those are all that i know for now, WALLAHUA'LAM. but weigh all the reasons, how-where you play and etc. WALLAHUA'LAM) -if you stumble on this post, dont dont dont you ever quote me before checking other references and dont do your music without really understanding those perspectives and without reference. please-

oh i miss this. i miss those 'difficult-masem-manis-equally fun-days'. went to the music school where it felt like hari pertama masuk sekolah~ and it was hard for knowing nothing basic about what you're doing and classmates-of-strangers, went to gym-for girls (i learned yoga. no kidding, yoga!! haha. and some dancing. FUN and i felt like out of place. haha. klw kn dpkir2kan, inda plgku mau lagi :p), went to HR class-valuable experience :), went to summer talaqqi also. went to malls, to dolphins (i think i always made mistakes referring dolphin ani as penguin. bukan plgku nda kenal penguin. just... just:p), checked into a hotel.. and.. basically.. at times stressful yet siok!!

i dont know how im going to spend my next summer break. no plans. but looks like its gonna be a light summer. i hope its gonna be fun! no, i hope i will find myself having fun in whatever i am and will be doing! :) i want it to be a great summer!

nasr day

2011-06-14T13:24:00.007+02:00

so... went rehlah around 'nasr' yesterday.

eksenku :p went out as early as 9am, back home as early as 10pm. ke sabik, genena, hussin, sc, hussin, sc again. atupun eksenku :p 'husin' here.. is.. khan el-khalili di dalam sc. wa-ha-ha-haa....

totally eat-out day. from bfast to lunch to high tea? to dinner. woo manis eh. ahah.

i think, kungfu panda 2 is so over-rated. bukan plg nda siuk, caaali and siuk jua.. but nda sesiuk yg kna rate arah facebook and all cakap2 urg. cali but didnt make me happy. cali but i wasnt excited. cali but not all the time. i enjoyed kungfu panda 1 better. and i enjoyed RIO much much much more. hehe. but im not saying kungfu panda 2 nda siuk tu ah. siuk tpi gugur jauh dari expectationku- expectations that somehow built up from reading all comments urg dari fb sgala. same case tu with tangled. tpi aku nda kesiukan tangled. syhhhh... :p

oh. im.. a shower-gel freak now.. nda freak.. but.. i have 4 different shower gels now.. i was excited with my first different harum shower gel (the last time i talked about) because it was the first time i actually changed what im using (in cairo. di brunei tukar2 eh). so now, its like im addicted and bought different different types and odour. haha. jan sja ku kukut-kukut karang. anyways. good that i am aware of that, so.. i can try not to repeat this 'new-habit-of-collecting-shower-gels' haha. mcm kurang sopan santun budi bahasa sjaaa perangai atu? biar tia bh. for now. nyehehe :p

okay. so, what to do today? :p

right, mengafal bh, but i cant seem to do it good when its still not 'last-minute'.. but.. i'l try. ceewah. hehe (im not saying my last minute is good but at least i have the will power tia yg boost up. heehee)

dogko&pil team

2011-06-12T21:12:00.003+02:00

si dokgo jin sweeeet and caaaaliii. and i like the doctor yoon pil ju also. im addicted to this drama. korean. the greatest love. haha

i like both guys. but ofcourse i like dokgo more. but i like both, in the way that.. aku kesian jua the doctor and aku excited when the girl with both of them. although more excited when she's with dokgo. hehe.

maybe im in the right mood to watch this drama. caaaaliii. and sweet lah. haha.

korean drama that i like most is fullhouse!! the unbeaten fullhouse. hehe

you know, its been too many times ive heard this "you actually watch korean dramas? you??" and nowadays i'll just laugh to that instead of asking "why, dont i look like someone who watches korean dramas?" hmm. and i heard answers like.. naa, you look like the type to watch english movies, series.. and.. ans like you dont seem to have feelings enough? haha. do i look that cold? :ppp

no, i dont mind, really. what to mind anyway, its just about screen entertainment and about me... being a feeling-ful or feeling-less person :p as long as you dont see me as heartless ;p (what?? you see me that way? :p)

anyways. its just, sometimes.. i would question 'what impression have i been carrying all around that makes people think whatever the way people think about me' sometimes i feel like i know. sometimes i dont. sometimes it feels like it matters, and other times it doesnt. people see us in many ways, im aware of that and i embrace that. some in the ways we think are right, some we think are wrong.. some ways hurt us, some ways flatter us.. but whatever ways.. i guess, be just the way you are.. because the world stops and stares for a while when you smile right? haha :p

(changes are good though, when we need to change...) right.

part 4- can i sleep now?

2011-06-12T12:54:00.006+02:00

padih mataku. i should be sleeping ni.. but i just cant.. ndamau.. the type of tiredness that makes it hard fr you to sleep..

it was just a tea!! a tea with at least 50mg less in caffeine than coffee. i had my tea at around 2am, while planning to sleep at 4am. i didnt know the effect on me would be this way. i know i have a low tolerance for caffeine, but didnt expect it to be this low. and i dont drink coffee during exam time. morning can.. but best to avoid. underestimated tihi tah ku tu. haih earlier today and until now, i feel weak. energy-less. and no matter how left behind i am from time-nda sampat mengafal abis kah kiranya.. i always give myself a sleep. a minimum of 3hrs and a maximum of whatever i like. i dont believe in not sleeping-at all before exam day. huhuhu. *oh yes, im totally blaming the tea. totally blaming the little little caffeine. indaku kira. put aside other factors, if there is any. huahua ;p

all in all, alhamdulillah. done with the oral. mudahan th bisai markah kmi smua subject. amin. and the written one jua nanti. amin amin ya Allah

:)

oh sleep please. i dont wanna end up throwing up from migraine.

part 3

2011-06-09T13:16:00.003+02:00

after having a series of oral (baru jua 3 subject tapinya..), finally i have today to at least spend my time not so cramping-ly.. ahah..

the next and final oral is a 3 days gap.. 3 precious days!! i can sleep a good sleep (slept for 12 hrs last nite!! hahaha puas atiku. atupun mcm alum cukup), i can watch movie or dramas and i can do my laundry. yehyehyeh

im so tired.

hello brother!

2011-06-06T12:39:00.008+02:00

while struggling with my books last night.. i suddenly remember my brother.. and i miss him.. aah you know that, brain activities during exam is.. at its best? haha. all those memories come back, all those home-sickness, all those blues, and other feelings and things.. andangnya, macam2 tia. haha

anyway, back to the topic. i miss my brother. i have four brothers actually, but i missed the youngest big brother one.

there were times when he was the closest to me. i specifically missed those times when he was still single- not married and free-man-no-job. haha. and i was in my early teen ages.

i miss the times when he'd wake me up every sunday mornings, intruding my room, kicking me at the leg.. "wake up wake up. its dragon ball time. lets watch it together"

i miss the times when he'd ask me to go pick fruits from our many pokok buah buah with him.. and i would agree if only he would carry and push me on the wheel-barrow.. i would laugh all along the way.. we would eat the fruits under the trees and throw the unwanted parts on each other.. there was a lot of fun, a lot of laughters..

and for all i remember, at one point.. at one point of the hard times.. these kinds of moments were enough.. enough for a kid.. a kid who would just forget all that hurt.. all that could hurt..

i miss the times when we would fight for 'harvest moon' playstation game.. ridiculous right? haha. i thought he was even ridiculous during those times.. in my mind he was a grown up man (although when reaching the age of 19, of 20.. i didnt feel like a grown up myself).. but still, he was a man!! and a man dont play harvest moon. haha. i was upset but later excited, fighting and playing harvest moon together.. i named the character, he named the horse, the farm, the dog and he would do the farming and find the magics. i would tell him which girl character of the game to flirt with and make her the wife... he wouldnt even give me much chance to play on my own. kesian aku, i was a hostelite, u know.. got to touch playstation only in the weekend.. so, everytime he got a phone call from his girlfriend-now wife-, i would be so glad and happy to take over harvest moon.. then, i would leave home for hostel and school.. he would play all he wanted.. he did make the lead character married the girl i chose though :) and he played very well, i could never do nearly that good. and i was actually happy. happy that time, happy now with the memories.

when a school holiday term finished- the two weeks holiday or so.. he would always tease me that i would miss him.. and i would hide my teary eyes.. hoo yeah brother, why wouldnt i miss you?

and i remember one time.. it was a raining afternoon.. i was sleeping on the couch in the living room.. such a good weather for a good sleep.. and suddenly, he woke me up saying and saying "you got a phone call. wake up wake up".. as sleepy i was, my reflexes responded automatically.. i went for the phone.. picked it up "hello.. hello.." and all i heard was.. "tit.. tit.." oh man, i was fooled. haha. just like what i did to him many times. except that he took the revenge when i was sleeping! i was sleeping so deeply. i was mad, very mad at that time. but i went back to sleep. he laughed all his heart and apologised many times... you know brother, i would always forgive you.. :')

and then.. as we grew much older, he had to go for his life.. he started his career.. went out and far for a long long time.. we barely saw each other.. we talked less and less.. we barely even spent time together anymore.. its just, the time and commitment and circumstances did us apart.. i understand all that, because i already knew.. one way or another.. we will have our own ways someday.. and things wouldnt be the way they were.. it was sad, but it had to happen.. and i completely understand..

then he got married.. we became more apart then.. when he got back from the far and long long work.. he had to spend most of his times with his wife.. it was sad, but i knew things would change.. ive always known that life would be that way..

he got two sons now :) and we still barely saw each other.. not even once a year face to face these times.. because u see, when i got back home, he would be the one away.. and otherwise.. for all these years that im here.. only one summer holiday did i meet him.. kesian ah?

but i know, just like how i remember the way we were.. just like how he was in my mind.. and for who he will always be in my heart.. in my mind.. i know that he thinks of me the same way i picture him.. and i know how he, like the rest of them find it hard to believe that i am already a grown up now.. for all they remember is, i am their little kid.. :) **not fair not fair!! im not a kid anymore. haha :p tpi bnar wh.. mcm anak buahku, it took me time to adjust with them getting older and older..

oh well.

but.. forgive me, im not trying to give people the impression that i favour him more than the others. i have my moments also with the others. moments i treasure.. :)

part 2- oral week

2011-06-06T11:07:00.006+02:00

going thru oral marathon this week.. although, the good thing is.. nada double subject in one day this year.. (actually, double subjects are quite good, pasal i didnt have a choice but to do it anyway.. so.. capat tia abisnya dugaan oral.. hehe)

next oral Al-Quraan - just got the schedule yesterday. and... im quite okay with that. jangan eh kna bagitau baru kmarin, then arini ada oral.. skali oral Quraannya esuk.. thats what i call tadaa tadaa surprise. haha

hmm. after all these years, oral still feel the same.. you will worry, people will ask from those who already done with the oral.. and its still the same tiring days- having to find the exam room and then wait. especially tiring to go through the ocean of people.. the unbelievably crowded suffocating hallway.. huh. and youre hungry and you didnt have enough sleep and you have doubts and worries.. those factors usually make me attempt suicide - by going into the exam room voluntarily, ignoring other factors; am i ready? am i not? am i scared? am i not? forgetting the worries for those pages that i didnt memorise...

today was suicidal also. the very first candidate. im not satisfied with my performance though. haha. give me give me good marks please ya dukturah. mudahan tah markahku bisai. amin amin ya Allah.. plus, feeling this way means i'll have to remember to-try-to-ace my written papers. give me good marks.... amin.

right, method 001 : let go, let go.. and pray to Allah. tawakkal. :)

and my immune system, please be good to me.. dont get angry when i didnt give you enough good sleep.. just.. hold on okay? hihi

oral exam week

2011-06-05T00:28:00.003+02:00

woohhh kalat mataku man~ and its only 1230am now. huhu. (i usually sleep at 4am lately)

yatah nah, i wasted 4hrs watching korean drama tah pulang tadi, then had a-not-so-deep but okay sleep for 3 hrs. equals to 7hrs. equals to possibly one book for oral.

next oral, dua buku. i pray, i hope, i wish soalannya yg sanang2 and simple and zahir yg luar2 and kami pun sanang menjawab. amin amin ya Allah.

im actually a little worried about oral Al-Quraan, balum ada jadualnya :s i hope date oralnya atu inda taadaa~ tadaa~ surprise~. haha. but if its a pleasant surprise, it will be fine ;p awu eh, mudahan tah okay tarikh oral Al-Quraan atu, amin.

fa iza 'azamta fatawakkal 'ALALLAH, INALLAHA yuhibbul mutawakkilin... :)

Birthday!! :)

2011-06-02T21:26:00.007+02:00

this is a big big big drawing ;D and... this is my favourite corner of my room. na, maybe its more likely to be a fav sight? point is one of my favourites. hehe. other favourites are BED and the series of comforter after comforter and winnie the pooh and bantal my name and rak buku ku (somehow;p) and other small small things.

tadaaa~ i'd like to tell u that this is actually big, if u dare think its "damit jua nganya tu~" :p covered more than half of this wall.. ;D

one of the best birthday gifts ever ;p and the best birthday surprise (my 21st birthday). pasal aku tekajut. my guard was down, completely. i didnt see it coming (because they did double surprise. but still, should have seen that.. haha) well, i was genuinely surprised and... touched. :p this drawing is... done because it represents one of my wishes.. but this was worth more than what i wished for ;') and i really really appreciate this.. and the effort and all that are there in this one drawing.. :)

thank you.. :')

(its not easy to be genuinely surprise on birthday surprises, im telling you. haha. and somehow i felt guilty too. kesian dorang wah bnrnya.. hehehe. but really, thank you.. a lot.. )

of course.. other gifts, surprises, greetings, ingatan tulus ikhlas and others are much appreciated too!

and today.. 2nd June 2011, Misr time.. and 3rd June 2011 Brunei time, i would like to say... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISAH NABILAH TEO (2june) && SALWANA IBRAHIM (3june).

semoga mendapat hidup yang berkat, dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan dunia dan akhirat, berjaya fid daraini. mudahan jua slalu2 happy, panjang umur, murah rezeki, sihat, mendapat jodoh yg baik && najah bil-Imtiyaz fil-imtihan. amin2 ya Allah

Ya Allah.. berilah kami kebaikan di dunia dan kebaikan di akhirat.. dan peliharalah kami dari siksa neraka.. amin ya Rabbal alamin..

breathe

2011-06-01T23:55:00.004+02:00

...although some of us may say "im not stressed", stress isn't always on the surface. (heavy head can be caused by anxiety/depression)

other symptoms include: changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, chronic fatigue and exhaustion, headaches, chest pain.. etc etc klw anxiety alone, includes, stomachaches and heart palpitations.

symptom depression jua: hard to focus and concentrate.

but heavy head can also be caused by migraine or staring at computer for a long time.

so... where do i fall? haha

ive been feeling this slight heavy head, not really aching though - like the type of heavy head that you feel after crying but i didnt cry.. or or the kind of heavy head that makes you want to sleep.. or the heavy head caused by bangun mengajut dari tidur.. its been 2-3 days. since the day i said i suffered from kemaruk tidur. but then, however, i didnt get good sleep yesterday and today. (thinking while sleeping kind of thing)

well.... then, its maybe because im stressed without really realising it or because im denying? i mean, its not likely im supposed to be stressed yet. ( aah blame one of my typical parts of responding to workload warnings kali, the not-so-g00d parts - saying and saying i'll be okay, i can handle when in fact im already pressured. i think?) *but besides this, i have my good parts also okay? :p*

and then, this makes me tired. and.. i cant really focus. both brain and eyes, and heart! (this part is hard to handle ni). and.. i would nap.. and.. i feel like the time is moving so fast... and... help me. haha

it would be calming, to be able to sleep many many hrs during exam month and feel like nothing to worry-although there are actually many worries..- inda jua barat kepala. i mean truly feeling like nothing to worry. not the pretending part. haha

okay. breathe.......

June

2011-06-01T03:04:00.002+02:00

zzzzzzzzzzzz

June, 1st, 2011.

(June already?)

winter - one year ago

2011-05-30T00:25:00.017+02:00

comparison swiss 2010 and 2011.

swiss, 2010.
sunny and a little cloudy

swiss 2011- sunny and very clear

switzerland, 2010 (afternoon). swiss left me with such good impressions...

switzerland, 2011 (very early morning). i suppose thats the same tree... i mean, the same kind of tree along the same road. hehe. somewhere around the same place ni... never thought i would ever be back to swiss! only in within a year! one of the most unexpected 'detours' of my life.. really, life can really be surprising. the journey, the course could really be unexpected... :) innALLAHa ala kulli shai-in qadeer. sungguh tidak layak jangkauan manusia utk dibandingan dgn ilmu, kuasa, iradat Allah.. :')

angles

2011-05-29T19:04:00.003+02:00

"just because he looks like a jock, doesnt mean thats all he is" -lie to me, season 3.

awu ah, so are these:

just because some people look flawed-in a way they have a behaviour/personality that most people generally considered not 'favorable' or *insert apa sja lah yg kurang positive* doesnt mean thats all they are..

and just because some people appear to be all smart-nice-warm-friendly-'perfect' doesnt mean thats all they are..

just because people look like the way they appear, just because people look like the way they look like, doesnt mean thats all they are.

we are too often, too early to judge. too often to ignore possibilities.

well, i personally think that there always gotta be more in someone than what we thought they are.. (or the least is what we thought they are at the beginning).. be it good, be it bad.. but then, i forgot this too many times too, and then i judge.. and then i ignore possibilities.. and then.. thats what they are in my mind for a long time until i know and be hurt, until i know and be pleasantly surprised and thankful, until i know and just know.. so, i gotta always remember that people are people, people can never be exact. and who they are are maybe the dominant part of they are, doesnt mean they will always be that way.. and they will make mistakes, and while, even bad people have their good sides and they can change too. bla bla bla mnasjaa kau ih :p

klw arah tiibi kan, urg bunuh diri pakai pills, talan pills.. they often do it in the similar ways.. dorang tuang banyak2 pill atu ke tangan then talan smua skali one go-pkai aing lah ah.. but, in reality, bnar2nya wah.. tetalan kn dorang tu pill atu smua2nya? then i say, they're more likely to die from being 'choked' than overdose. hahaha. nadawh. but seriously, aku indaku tetalan tu ah.. penadol lagi kn begigit dua :p okay okay, right.. maybe i havent considered things thoroughly enough. say, people who decide to end their life themselves-as if they have their rights to do that- (na'uzubiilahi min zalik), by swallowing pills so that they are over-drugged or something.. maybe they have different psychological states, in a way that they are able to swallow the many many pills (labih spuluh pliatanku) at one go. but looking from where i am looking, from my usual psychological state, its rather hard to swallow those at one go. mun cmatu, talan tah 5 buting 5 buting kah... inda payah rampak banyak2 selajur :p okay, so what, right? like i know anything~

iatahkan... on another different note, aku dilanda kemaruk tidur. wuhu. klw kn tidur lagi ni, i know i can fall asleep easily again. although, i really am grateful for nikmat tidur. hehe. bcause u know, there would be days that i wouldnt be able to sleep and.. and.. it would be difficult and i'd wish for and miss those days that i could easily sleep.. kan? awu~

so. yea~

penguin and me?

2011-05-28T23:26:00.008+02:00

"you know, penguin.. they spend their whole lives looking for that one other penguin, and when they meet them they know. and they spend the rest of their lives together" -never been kissed, 1999.

(havent found the exact fact though, nada arah front page google result, malasku majal. hahah)

.. so, that is probably why i have this interest arah penguin time ku damit2 kali? haha. oh, yes, when i was young.. there was this drawing/art lesson, you were asked to design/colour things pakai pisang? pakai batang pisang yang kna putung sudah... cacahkan arah water colour and kasi taruh arah lukisan atu tia.. cop cop cop, jadi drawing yg ada 'sticker' colour and shape yg designnya isi batang pisang tia.. hehe.. i used penguin as my subject. i dont know what i felt exactly during that time that i am able to remember it now? im sure i felt something, for feelings are usually that make us remember certain ordinary everyday-kind-of-things.

the penguin thing.. its.. beautiful. but even if thats what i like, thats what i choose to hold on to, i also come to believe that we can simply have feelings for a lot of people, fall in love with them and then realise theyre not the one we can and will spend the rest of our life with. what we feel is what we feel, right? we cant just deny that. but then its up to us to choose whether to let the feelings produce actions or otherwise. anyways, quoted "its a lie when you say you dont have feelings anymore-at all- for someone you've loved dearly and truly before.. just because you've found something or someone you love now, someone you love more than anything else in the world"

i mean.. because... sometimes its the mistakes that led us to the right ways.. things..

had a killer tusen today, from 8am to 2pm. handal tu ah. haha. and then i slept at 4pm to 10pm. bangun jua ku rupanya lagi ah? haha. i forgot how scary it is, it feels like, to sleep after waktu solat asar. u know sometimes waking up and gasping "siang kah sudah ni???" or.. in my case today.. mimpi-ngeri-almost-gasping. haha. the sleep was deep enough i guess, it enables us to be feeling.. 'crazy' or.. a'uzubillahi min assyaitanirrajim, i suppose. hehe.

aih, can i just have the rest of the hours 'today'-before i sleep again, watching series, dramas or movies or internet? bulih lah~

esuk tah sambung afal/ulang al-quraan and baca buku utk oral ah. negehehe. okay? okay~

and im excited for monday. ke sc jua nganya. haha. kn bjalan2 ku bh~ mngalih ku bh~

3904-one year later

2011-05-25T22:21:00.007+02:00

3904 - one year later (approx. or two years??)

talked about the place i live in. aah well, im still here. and nothing change much

lets just say this is the extended version/continuation of "jiranku uu" post. last year atau last two years. hehe

ten: above us, lives paci hosny and family. "my name is hosny and i am an engineer" :D he seems nice, and maybe responsible.. aing dari rumahnya aritu bucur arah kami. yatah bekenalan~

sembilan: same old, same old. pretty much the same me, wasted my time every now and then. nyih. kau pulang ni? :p right. the house in front of us is still empty. indaku tau brapa tabal abuknya, indaku tau knapa ia kosong, i mean... isnt it better klw kna sewakn? reasons reasons. ada th tu bh

door yg kirinya- kiri si empty house, barely meet the paci gula-gula anymore. how's he? oh saw a woman from the house the other day, pkai el-jilbab.. and, the boy next house greeted her. mcm kamceng~ aku? inda kau mnagur boy.. :p

yg kanan to the empty house, house of the boys. they still look the same.. im even more confused, brapa org sbnrnya.. i thought three, but sometimes macam dua saja boy atu.. i dont know. and the one i said looks the youngest is still close to the little girl. like i said, he looks caring and responsible. they often greet us too when tejumpa once in a while.. saw the father too, and the sister maybe. used to remember the father's schedule.. i mean, it was like.. aku slalu tejumpa ia, say, every sunday at 8am. kiranya lah tu.. tapi lupaku sudah

the very next door to us... seem too quiet now. didnt see them much, maybe once.. or twice.. in the whole year. it makes me wonder why theyre that quiet.. visits are, i think, so rare too.. visits from their family used to be like every thurs.. but now, i dont see the kids anymore.. or hear the noise.. i.. am not sure, maybe aku yang jarang keluar time dorang ada. and when i saw the light from their kitchen the other day, i found myself smiling (?) haha. so, is this suppose to mean, i fall to the category of "menyubuk kain urg" or just a plain caring girl? ahah

ooh i know some people nearby have wireless internet name "eagels, use but dont abuse" :p

seven: the guy, he rides a Benz, a good benz. saw him twice in benz. once he wore a smart-coat attire. what does he do? what do you think? he is young and... potentially attractive.. but, i... well, i say, i think of him differently now. you know.. dont trust people's friendliness too easily kind-of-stuff? something happened. not too bad, but definitely not something to be proud of. no worries, all good all good.

six: got fellow country mate there~ girls. checked in just last year as in this is their first year there.

ground: the two bawab are actually siblings. found out last year (aah mahap ku ah, i dont really talk to them, yatah inda tau apa2 :p) and got to know their names too. kind of attractive the younger brother, when ia gundul lah.. i... am not a big fan of them though. maybe its because we have different preference of doing things. haha. and the older bro got a son. he is annoying. or was.

ground-external-front yard: kadai runcit sharif. i love this 24-hr operating market. i can get what i want anytime and easily. most things lah. mcm kadai runcit di brunei atu~ okay, this kadai.. they have three bosses. and one younger boss- i suspect the son. son salah seorang dari boss yang bertiga. and three-four workers yang kira mcm permanent lah. the workers often tukar-tukar plg.. banyak. mcm dorang ambil sapa sja yg kn kraja for the time being, klwpun sehari..

let me begin with the bosses. one, he is... gundul, wearing specs.. i think, he is a serious person.. a "formal" person i'd say.. someone yang.. ku imijin, hard-working? and the type of person yang organised? im not even close to being right. just what i imagine lah you~ didnt really have much conversation with him.. but i remember once he asked "are you going back to your country" - "yes" - "will you be back again?" and some malay words... apa ah? selamat jalan or selamat datang or something common and easy, selamat pagi kh tu, terima kasih kah.. im sure one of these ;p

second: a tall man, wearing specs.. this one is friendly, a father-like figure. i imagine he has a very good heart (dont read it as jantung yang sihat okeehhh :p), the kind of person who is very.. baik bh, mcm dermawan, yang klw versi bini bini ni, namanya lemah lembut sopan santun bebudi bahasa. nah, jgn di mijin ia lamah lambut. nooo! a person with a good heart, decent, nice, soft-spoken, polite. he teases once in a while, he jokes.. in nice ways too. he smiles often. yang pentingnya ia mcm urg baik lah~ hehe

third: no specs, ada rambut.. not small, not too big. ia ani pemarah ni. haha. or so he seem to be. oh, many many expressions that display anger or annoyed or stress. he is not even near to being soft-spoken. haha. BUT he is funny and he jokes around. and he teases- not too polite but inda jua jahat. i imagine he has a colourful personality and fun and humorous. of all three, maybe i like him the most. or the nice paci one. but this third paci is a little unpredictable, so, he is fun to watch. err maybe. haha

ngalihku eh. but now, the SON. saw him only once or twice. time ia cuti skulah kali bh. he is young. at my age, more or less. attractive. maybe thats because he has such handsome eyes - grayish eyes. eyes i dont get to see often. (sure ku original tu colour matanya ah! ;p)

then, the workers. one: the "romantic" paci. u see, thats because he talks very very lambut with you.. arah telipun pun jua (saw him answering the phone when i was there).. and he looks at you in the eye when you speak, and his eyes are always smiling. 80 percent. and he is nice, i think. maybe. two: the tall paci. nice, maybe. good looking. not a serious character. teases. banyak ckap. speak some malays. three: the old paci. aku kesian liat ia, but then, he's cool. he works okay, i suppose. four: the kumis man. emm kira-kira baru lah orang ani. 1-2 yrs. skali liat mcm biasa, mun liat malar2.. i say, he is attractive. ani inda mngacau urg ni ia ni. mangkali lah. at least not directly.

ground-external-backyard: dobi. usahasama sekumpulan laki-laki. laki-laki yang... awas. mungkin bahaya.

next to our building: apartment asgai. sbalahnya lagi, one of their quarters. and i get to hear dorang punya band in the morning~ kasi semangat itu lagu~ wlwpun inda hari2. hehe

one thing i wanna do: climb the stairs arah floor ten, see if i can get to the roof. IF sja... possibly betutup bemangga plg pintunya. just, coba lah.. malar udah kn meliat alum jua teliat

and bytheway byk jua word attractive mu ani?? ngalihku eh.

oh, and many times when i wait for the lift, i stumble upon new people. then i find myself thinking "how come ive never met this person? ive been here for... three plus years" then i count- one floor has five doors. one door has an average of five people. one building has ten floors. therefore ten floors has... approx 250 people? then, its not unusual that i havent met many of them. jadual inda sama bang~ maci~ nyihnyih ;D

emmm. well... i'll say goodbye to the building eventually. maybe someday i'd find myself wondering about these floors.. these doors.. and.. i will definitely miss this place, without doubts.. :')

*small minds discuss people! :s have i just done that?? i hope this is not really discussing people and if i feel guilty-ier later, byebye post*

panjang tu darling~ relaxx sjaa bh~

twix - not kit kat

2011-05-24T22:53:00.008+02:00

nada papa~

ive written many words actually.. and as i read them again, i dont feel them. its like... do i mean what i say?

skali jangan tah pulang~ (and if i didnt mean them... so.. so what? haha. tidak mengganggu masyarakat jugaa. indakan? antah~ :p)

heh heh heh.

aah well, i hope this picture talked to you :)

yaaayaaayea

2011-05-21T23:47:00.013+02:00

alhamdulillah.

dancing in the rain~~~

whats the substitute for rain, really? haha. or maybe i'll have to wait for the rain. anywhere, even if it means.. home? but, equally maybe, it'll be the equivalent and plus someday, when i get home.. its gonna be literally the rain, too. both tia.. (aah, eksen wah.. andang pun jua i have the tendency of liking the raindrops falling on my face... i actually like playing in the rain, when in the right mood and situation. hee hee. alasan kn beujan konon~)

im grateful :) -supposedly yesterday yesterday punya dancing in the rain, just posted it today. never too late, yes? hehe

F-YOU

2011-05-21T12:04:00.001+02:00

23hrs

2011-05-20T22:27:00.003+02:00

perfect, at the corner of exam times, i'd find myself reading some novels..... as if i havent got enough skill to waste the time.

have i really, really, really thought of what i might have missed? and lost?

preferences?

2011-05-19T16:15:00.003+02:00

i dont think i'll be able to be at rest, at peace, for the remaining of the day.. and plus tomorrow. result is supposed to be today.. or so it was said, but we decided to wait for the sms result first before we collect, and also the internet result.. tpinya nada.. alum ada.. mun ampir tmpat collect atu, ku aga plg ni~

(what actually disturbs me is the fact that i somehow have been waiting fr this day -although parts of me wanted to deny that-, and waiting.. is not a fun thing)

you know i hate, really really hate spoilers?? (movies, books, etc), the more i dont have a clue of the ending especially, or just the storyline, the more i enjoy it. i am a fan of unpredictability.

i dont get it why people, some people LIKE (like, bukan dont mind) spoilers. not that im saying this is a bad thing. its just what we called "preferences", and i dont think we should define one preference is better than the other. so, im saying people who hate spoilers is not any better than who like them. no, its just.. equal. a balance of character. of humans. preference bh preference. haha. and so, i just dont get it. not until im in their shoes... like people who prefer black colour is no better than those who like white? things like that.

aaaa. i want a levi's jeans (actually i just want jeans plg. sluar), and more importantly, i want a guess handbag. u think if i get them now, it will be able to kill whatever nervousness or or anxiety or curiosity that im suffering? haha. naaa, if i really will get em, it will be after the next allowance.hmmmm

oh now, help me kill whatever it is that potentially makes me not relaxed. errr

pms number 111?

2011-05-18T00:02:00.004+02:00

aih. why do girls (or only me?) still complain about pms? still whine about it many times.. after like, we are so used to pms, since for ever.. been with pms for the whole life..

i get irritated easily. i feel something in around the heart? like, upset? like, angry? for... no reason. no reason that i can find, not one i can recall.

"heart-sick" as in the friend or the group or the family of "homesick"

laziness yang upgraded sungguh levelnya... its even easier to sleep the whole day.

the fun part is, i get to eat almost anything. ada kuasa mistik yang menyucuk "passion" memasak yang nada2.. say, im craving for both bubur nasi ayam and something yang mee-mee (eg, mee basah misalnya?)... i dont have to choose you know, i dont have to wait long, i'll definitely cook both, at that instant jua. haha. i mean, good to have something to "drive" us. like, high high level of cravings here is the driver for cooking. :p

aah that is the interesting part of living in cairo, no need to really cry for cravings, for home-made-bruneian foods.. we can get almost all.. almost lah.. (plus bahan2 yang beangkut dari brunei plg..) it is so okay and.. well, i dont know.. its so fine living here.. i think if minus the food and especially the friends, i will start to think of cairo otherwise kali.. haha. but.. yeah, cairo is a huge part of me... parts that make me who i am, parts that help me grow up, parts that can be called home, too. i cant imagine not missing this place...

anyways, the pms thing that i listed above, its not always the same. its not consistent. sometimes those are there, sometimes not. sometimes it is intensified, sometimes it feels like nothing at all..

and and, by thaaaa waayy, i watched shopaholic again.. the last time, i watched it in cinema only. and i didnt enjoy it much like recently. then, i learned why.. the last time.. i was too immersed in the thoughts of "whats next? where is that part in the book, hows they gonna do it in film?" - kept on expecting something to happen... thinking, not enjoying. comparing, not enjoying. and yesterday, when i let myself free... i had fun watching and i really like the movie (i thought of it differently the last time.. hehe).. oh well, just.. be free and stop comparing and expecting so much.. then, i'll be young foghebaaaa. woho. dont you just miss rabecca bloomwood? oh i miss her..

enjoy your revision, students!

one long article-

2011-05-15T12:16:00.006+02:00

(warning: think twice before u read this. longggg one. u might not wanna read it).. but if you're reading.. and find it hard and annoying at the small fonts, zoom in sja bebeh.. ctrl + , im saving space bah.. psalnya bida ia panjang2 ah

------
oh wow, i felt a lot after reading an article posted by a friend, on fb- on running. i was between touched and torn. and i dont even know how to describe the article! and if i start.. it'll give me back-pain ni.. so wait, i'll have my cheese-chocolate-oreo-cake first. kehkehkeh (and then i know how it goes, i'll lose whatever i felt hence resulting a slight failure in my description later. wait and see. haha)

so... the article is about this amazing world-record runner, Daniel Komen. He was a kenyan, the only man who have ever run under 8 mins for two miles (broke many other world records). Komen achieved so much, peak at this sport in only a very short span of time. but declining afterwards... and so, kind of disappeared from the sport- a world record runner who afterwards didnt even make it to some olympics... dot dot..

this article actually focuses on why this actually happened? why such an amazing racer lost his fire suddenly?

Komen grew up in poor-rural kenya area.. who had to run six miles in the morning and another six miles going back from school. skalinya dotdotdot ia pun joined the sport in europe, aaah i think i am doing this wrong.. indaku tau eh, indaku pndai kn describe.. so i am going to copy-paste part of the article sajalah.. karang mun ada yg menGoogle, kna samanku :p

(the beginning of his career) -

I don’t think he saw any limits,” Tanser says. “He knew he had a tough life and knew what he had to do to elevate himself out of that situation.”

In those days, a retired Kenyan miler named Joseph Cheshire worked informally as a talent scout for English agent Kim McDonald in Kenya. After Komen started destroying his young compatriots in training and races, Cheshire contacted McDonald and advised him to bring Komen to Europe.

(at some points in his career)

By this time Komen had discovered, as many Kenyan runners do, that the more he raced, and the better he performed, the more money he took home, and he began pressing his managers for more payday opportunities.

Komen kicked off his season with a two-mile race in Sweden on July 14, smashing Haile Gebrselassie’s world record with a time of 8:03.54. Less than a month later, on Aug. 10, Komen nearly took down another record, running 7:25.16 for 3,000m in Monaco, a scant 0.05 second shy of Noureddine Morceli’s mark.

Afterward Komen admitted he had not even known what the existing world record time was going into the race. Indeed, according to those who then surrounded him, Komen had little general understanding of records and paces and distances.

(interesting fact, i think!) -

“He didn’t really comprehend what he was doing,” Ratcliffe says. “He just ran as hard as he could. There was no barrier there.”

Alongside his hunger to escape poverty, Komen’s innocence as a runner might have been one of the most important psychological ingredients to his success.

Gaskell recalls an incident that perfectly captures Komen’s mindset toward competition. At a running club appearance in London, Komen was asked how he dealt with pre-race nervousness.

“Daniel did not understand the question,” Gaskell recalls. “It wasn’t that he didn’t understand English. He didn’t understand what it was to be nervous before a race.”

In a press conference the day before the race, Komen was typically laconic and inscrutable. Only one question got an answer of more than a few words.

“What are your tactics for the record attempt?” a reporter asked.

“A soldier does not discuss his tactics before he goes to battle,” Komen said. Truth was, he had no tactics. Never did. (Months later, when McDonald gave Komen a plan of split times for an indoor 3,000m world record attempt, Komen rejected it. “Just tell me faster or slower as [I go],” he said.

(his downfall)-

Then the slide began—almost imperceptibly at first. The first warning signs were reports from Kenya that Komen was neglecting his fall training in favor of partying and spending his money.

“Daniel, after the first year of success, was much more single-minded, and rebelled a bit against others’ advice,” Gaskell says. “He knew best.”

One day Komen casually told one of Tom Ratcliffe’s assistants, “I don’t have to train as hard anymore. I’m already here.” As if the hard work required to become the best runner in the world was like a one-and-done vaccination.

I think he became a little overconfident, maybe even arrogant,” Gaskell says. “He just found it too easy. He thought he could walk on water—that he could do great performances without having to flog himself in training.”

By 1998, Komen was the Kenyan equivalent of an American billionaire, and with that kind of money to fall back on he just couldn’t bring himself to suffer as he once had.

(in comparison with the other racer- a good and long careered one) -

“Moses Kiptanui really loved to run, loved to compete,” says Ratcliffe. “He wanted to be a great athlete. And he had a long career because of that. But I don’t know if Daniel ever had that. He enjoyed winning, he enjoyed the fame, and he enjoyed the financial success, but he didn’t love what he was doing.”

(after-effect/his current life..)

Almost four years later, nothing has changed. During a recent visit to Kenya, Tober Tanser listened politely as Komen excitedly told him that he was going to run the New York City Marathon this coming November. Asked if Komen was doing much running at the time, Tanser replied, “Not much. He needs to lose 5 kg [11 pounds], in my opinion.”

(comments-overall of his current life) -

It is natural to interpret Daniel Komen’s story as a sad tale of wasted potential—of what might have been. Unless you’re Daniel Komen.

“I’d say we’re imposing that on him,” says Bob Kennedy. “Certainly if he was an American or Western athlete you’d say his story was tragic, but he may have done something for his life back in Kenya that he never otherwise would have had the opportunity to do, and that may be more than okay with him.”

Indeed he did. Despite profligate spending at the height of his career, Komen is still a rich man by Kenyan standards. He now serves as chairman of the Keiyo North Rift Athletics Association, and as co-director of a private school with his wife, Joyce. And he remains a hero in his home country, feted everywhere he goes.

“I don’t know that he has any regrets about never going to the Olympics, or anything else,” Ratcliffe says. “I think he’s happy enough.”

my conclusion?

-i think, there are advantages and certain beauty of doing things "innocently"- not having to know the micro details of things we are doing and calculate every possibilities and list every opportunities and mistakes that might be there.. and not having to study every little things of what we are doing (not giving/thinking too much.. i mean, how about.. just do it? and something that equals to.. having faith in what we are doing.. just.. faith and no fears).. the beauty of mindset, i say?

-motivations.. we have motivations, we go far.. we have goals, we go far..

-gotta love what we do.. gotta love pursuing excellence..

-never the arrogance, no matter how good we are.. we can never walk on the water.. advices and trainings and improvements are necessary elements..

maybe you dont get it, why am i touched and torn? haha. i think.. its just kind of heart-breaking on whatever happened to this great athlete.. he could have gone much farther and successful.. and what i like most is the fact that he was a "natural" on what he was doing..you know, not having to be nervous, not having to study what he was doing.. he just did it.. he didnt think much.. im actually really impressed by naturals. always have been. but then, its his choice. he is happy now. and that, i think, would be enough.. for him. maybe. :)

-oh and more thing, i like the fact on how "naturals" are made? its the work of life.. the way we live, the way we had to face such difficult (or any other) circumstances that somehow forces us to be who we are, that make us the way who we are..

-original article was by, Matt Fitzgerald. link : http://running.competitor.com/2011/05/features/what-ever-happened-to-daniel-komen_27486

i hope no one google this and arrive here! haha.

itouch

2011-05-14T21:27:00.003+02:00

my itouch suddenly blacked out and i couldnt turn it on again.. just right after i played some games. (ooh i was sleepy and i thought i could let it go, just wait for some minutes/hours then i'll do something.. but no, i was.. upset and about to get worried) how can i not be worried? she's just some few months young, and i had it jailbroken, i dont wanna lose those amazing applications. hehe. plus, am i going to need to fix it? where? applestore here? kaching kaching and i'll have to wait... long enough to miss her. hmmm

so, i tried plugging it in to my laptop.. yea, maybe the battery ran out and i didnt realise? well, maybe... but.. no reaction from the laptop. normally if abis battery and tetutup, it turns on automatically when charging. so whats wrong with her now?

then, thank you google! you know i love you right? haha. so i read and read the suggested solutions (other people punya complaint lah, on the same problem).. i then tried the easiest one: hold the "switch on & the home button" both at the same time for 15 secs. then it will be turned on. (i counted. exactly 15 secs! haha) and no, nothing really bad. it was just a hard restart unless it keeps on happening. if it does, then restore in the latest version of itunes. (copy-pasted. ahah)

there i was, thinking on how amazing i-products are. the impressive apple. nothing ever went wrong so far, with mine and nothing that i ever heard of, from my circle of people. no complaints. just the good things. but just now, the impression was slightly disturbed. haha. but yea, i still like i-products though. well well, it could be just my way of using it.. maybe overdose? or maybe its just a-one-time-dis-functioned? oh i better hope so :)

err nda ilang pun..

2011-05-14T11:07:00.002+02:00

manada ilang that post. Ceh, memalukan aku sja. You owe me blogger.com!

Muahaha

ilang 2cm above head?

2011-05-13T18:51:00.007+02:00

erghhhh yestterday i had this post up on my blogger.com.sign-in.new-post.published and now, its gone... not even on the draft! im sure its been published.. but now..? come on, its no important but what i wrote, i wrote. i hate losing it. anything. even craps.

i mean.. i can never write up an EXACT SAME thing twice.. not with the same words, the same feelings and most of all... the same enjoyment i had while writing them.

ergghhh erghhh erghhhh

okay fine. fine. fine. what was it? i only wrote about me almost get-hit by the fast-flying ball from the field next to our netball field. the ball was like 2-5-10 cm above my head, so near and so fast i could hear the sound of the wind and felt the wind of the ball. i believed i could have had three possible conditions: one. my head tanggal (or bguyang2 lunggar). two: i fainted. three: i bleed. nose bleed. head bleed. and out of those 7-10 football guys, actually only one boy shouted and warned "iqnak!" only one person cared about other's (MY) safety? hmmmph. but then, i wasnt alarmed.. because it was coming from my back and im not a very cautious person... emm not really.. and.. its in arabic. my reflexes react slowly on arabic! :p

(not important, but i want to remember this, want to remember how careless i can be. and how thankful i am that i was safe. hehe)

ofcourse i like the original post better. this one is noo fun. holding back and pouring out what felt like a memory of structured-words, instead of letting my hands float on the keyboard. eyywah. kirim salam~

2cm above head

2011-05-12T11:58:00.000+02:00

i went to the netball yesterday... although i didnt want to. hmmm (didnt want to, pasal menyamal netball slalu inda byk urg. ahaha)

skalinya kn.. that one time, i almost-almost-almost (ertinya brabis tu:p) get hit by the fast-strong-flying ball from the guys next padang. the speed was so fast, i believed i could have had three possible conditions-if hit-, one: kepalaku tanggal (atau guyang2 lunggar) two: i fainted. kepisan. three: i bleed. nose bleed. head bleed. antam

the ball was coming from my back, so i didnt realise. trust me, i could hear the sound of the wind and even felt the wind of the ball when it was "flying" centimetres (2cm? 5cm?) above my head.

a boy shouted "iqnak!" as to warn me but, i wasnt alarmed because i couldnt be possibly cautious all the time (i didnt have eyes on my back:p) and.. well, its in arabic. my reflexes react slowly on arabic. haha.

PLUS.. only one person? out of the those seven? ten? football guys, only one person shouted and warned? only one person cared about other's (MY) safety? hmmm. hmmmph. hmm. haha. but then, im thankful it didnt hit me. i am safe. hee hee hee.

anywaysss bilikku bjurit, bjurit sampai kn bagi bteriak rasanya. bjurit sampai urg yg kn masuk pun gerenti berubah muanya ni mun ia mliat. haha. but but, i think im gonna bake myself a cake today, so... biar tia bjurit, i have cake - i dont have to scream on my room's view (mata dkaburi oleh kek. labeeeyyyhh labeyyhh) & no, no, no, i havent finished my PS, indatah ku jadi mbuat kali ni mun cemani usulnya. huhu

errrr? well? well well well~

children and dot dot dot

2011-05-10T11:39:00.005+02:00

three top lists that i like about kids, children:

one: their honesty/innocence

two:their contagious happiness. the way they make you happy just because theyre happy. the way theyre able to change your mood from gloomy to happy.

three:the way they never fail to make you feel loved and wanted (and responsible and important). they way they turn you from feeling useless to useful.

-they dont know how to pretend, when theyre hurt.. when they feel ignored, they show it clearly, by words. by actions. when they love you, they run to you and plant you a kiss on the cheek, they hug you out of nowhere. they tell what they want, they let you know what they feel, they say it out loud whats on their mind. they tell you how beautiful or nice you are and they will tell you how ugly and mean you are when they feel so. such honesty and their ways to make you feel loved and important.. wanted.. belong..

-they answer you back innocently. they attack you with sensible questions. they answer logically, straightforward, no games no putar belit no hidden meanings. and then, with the innocence-thing they have, they make you realise a lot of things.. they inspire you..

(basically what human instincts are all about. human nature. fitrah manusia)

and then... as they grow up.. they're losing those two important qualities-honesty and innocence-.... and truthfully, i hate to see that happening. although at some points, minimising those two are essentials for survival.. if applied at the right things and times.. but still.. it's kind of sad to see when they know how to pretend, to hide, to lie (in a way you still can know its a lie, its a pretense). but you still love them the same, ofcourse.

-my little nephew is a very happy kid. sure it can be tiring to be around him, and sometimes annoying. haha. but, such a beautiful thing when for example, theyre happy because u make them happy.. you feel you have it all at that moment. and when youre down, having one blue monday... having breakfast on your own in the very early morning and then you suddenly hear someone making sound of happiness.. on his way downstairs.. singing "du du du la la la", im sure it puts some smiles on your face. their happiness is contagious. i feel like i cant find better positive attitudes somewhere else!

so.. yes, there are a lot of things that we can learn from children!

when a niece sms me, saying she misses me.. i'd be extra careful to reply. so that i wouldnt be barat sabalah, i dont want others to feel like i love one more than others, i'd say "i miss you too, and also i miss others too" but i guess its not always enough because the next thing, i would get a new sms saying "this is the other niece-mentioning her name, saying: i miss you" - haha. it wont be good enough until they get the same thing, the same treatment :) and... most people, including me... seem to.. emm, not very successful in that. its not easy to be fair and just.. but it doesnt hurt to always try :)

anyway. im putting on hold my series, si lie to me ah. it creeps into my dreams. and i was exhausted by those dreams. haha. it felt like, i was thinking while sleeping. i dont know how it made me. the scenes, the actors, the concepts were all there.. macam aku yang mendirect cerita atu. huhu. isnt sleep all about getting us away from reality? those few days, i was burdened with a phase between reality and dreams, the kind of dreams where youre the one yang menyusun critanya.. i think? ertinya tidur inda nyaman. haha. not only those few days lah, sometimes i did get some kinds of those self-directed dream jua. hehe. haih, too much movies/series i think. i'll have to limit that. one or two in a day.

one month to exam. i..... need to... emm.. to change. change the routine and get the grip-of-panic. a little. (jan panik brabis eh, menangisss ku karaaang tuuu)

so.... good luck, myself. and you all, on whatever you do!

dance in the rain

2011-05-07T17:56:00.006+02:00

you know what? you know you know you know, if i get 7 for writing, i'l dance in the rain - if not literally, then something equivalent. (tanpa sbarang niat nazar ha.. just, self-reward). i dont feel confident at all. i am totally unsatisfied with my performance. i mean.... i set a very high expectation on myself, such high hopes... i think i need some miracles now.. i still pray for the chance to dance in the rain.

specifically i want 7 fr writing. at first, i said.. if i get 7.5 overall, i'l dance in the rain. but now that i feel differently, then i'd want to do the dancing fr different situation, i guess.

so for now, i have to let go... yes, right. right. praying and tawakkal to Allah will help :)

im tired. i wanna sleep...... inda2, i'll just sleep early. after some movies/series. hari2 jua eh mliat "tibi" ani..........

.........

2011-05-06T20:20:00.003+02:00

aku seorang hati atau aku seorang otak? kata seorang gurindam jiwa(k), aku seorang mangsa perasaan.

what does that mean?

means, a poet in a cradle. muamuamuamu.

i feel so lazy to read read read. just woke up from my 4 hours nap. and now, lets waste some more time watching lie to me and vampire diaries. oohh bebeh~ i am sweet~ muamu :s

huuu i hope we did the test well today, and i hope we will do excellent tomorrow. amin amin. mudahan tah sharp score. amin!

trialogue

2011-05-04T00:04:00.006+02:00

aah you should probably know by now that i have this certain "gift" of remembering dialogues... in movie/books specifically. aahaha bigali. no, no, hmm. you should know that ive been honoured with this certain "gift" of having certain degree of interest in emm 'dialogues'. whatever. haha. whatever refers to me wanting inda mau2 jua kn mau memakai the word GIFT and whatever to things that i am interested in.

(if i were to tell now what traits of repetition that i would likely find in my blog: uncertainty, doubts, confused, the opposite of confidence, freedom, happiness, learning, ahh well and i believe there are also positive traits that i am too shy to mention hahaha and things,traits i am not aware of. awu bh si joehari window tah. cmatu lah kali). 4 windows- one:what u know about yourself and others dont two:what others know and you dont. three:you both know four:you both dont know. apply here. but yeah, repetition of uncertainty, doubts, confusion and the opposite of confidence.. i think its all there bejurit, in many forms. bold and masked. yatah, sasakku bnarnya.. haha

just... this series, LIE TO ME.. i know ive always been interested in... humans, in the mysteries of humans, so i guess this drama feeds my interest. im... well, im (apakan wordnya? amused? no. antah), macam impressed tpi inda jua... amazed.. mixture of those things. i need to find the right word. mesmerised? hahaha. taken? antah. i dont agree to all thats in the story though, its like.. i think, i have this belief that human can never be exact. there will always be exception. i dont know, its just a plain-unsupported belief. personal much. even, facial expressions. yeah, there are exact face. exact description, i believe that. but in many circumstances, in my view, those faces dont work alone.. need to consider other things/factors too.. (thats what the drama shows plg, the facial expressions come in package, other things considered too) but maybe i just garam ati to the fact that: why they always come to arrive at an answer? either theyre extremely good. or.. kebetulan, like too lucky, like "slumdog millionaire" punya story? well, it reminds me of that. haha. anyway, no, im not against the drama. i like it, its just im wondering the magics of their accuracy. i just dont wanna believe it all.........

inda bh, bnrnya i wanna post up the dialogues here, while i still care. esuk2 lupa th ku karang. okay. (warning:words mighttt not be exact...)

-"is there wrinkling around her eyes when she smiled? in a fake smile, there is no eye wrinkling"

-man:"i saw what happened. i saw what was happening. u know i could see the doubt when you were standing on the bloody altar. -- woman: "everyone has doubts, everyone. at the altar, with their friends, staring at the very best thing that has ever happened to them. but that doesnt mean thats the only thing that they feel... you know, you saw every doubt, every fear, by the end.. that was all that you could see. you couldnt let go of anything"

-"when people feel genuine guilt, they always look down and away"

-"when people lie, they tend to look in the eye more because they want to see if u believe them" oh plus, dont answer to quickly.. that means, its a planned ans/lie. usually.

-"mouth shrug-classical gestural slip-it means she has no confidence in her words" also the same for the slight bahu shrug.. i think, klw inda salah. haha

-"thats a lot of anger youre showing fr the woman you dont care about. men usually reserve that kind of anger for the women they love"

okay, i am focusing on this one:
a rich man: "before i propose to nadia, i need to know if she loves me for the right reasons" - kata2 seorang kaya raya:p then when result kna found out, the girl actually lied about not knowing that he's rich before they met.... the guy was upset but actually the girl love him jua plg bnr2nya.. love him and his money. both.

expression reader: "she does love you and your money.youre lying to yourself if you think you can separate the two"

rich man: "but she lied to me"

expression reader:"why are you in love with nadia?. she's charming, she's intelligent, she's beautiful. how's her beauty any different from your money"

THERE. THERE. its just, we always think, or its just me, think, want that people need to love us fr the right reasons. but do we give what we actually take from them? do we give equally or even more than what we want from them? sometimes, they do love us fr the right reasons... but.. the odds of things being fully right, i guess is rare. very rare. so..... when people love us.. and the right reasons reach the "passing line" or far exceeding the wrong reasons.. then theyre good enough to have us. good enough to take from us.... I.. GUESS.. MAYBE.... haha

*white flag* sangal blakangku.

easier to lie

2011-05-02T21:52:00.002+02:00

.....

to be the one,
to be the only one..

someone has to give a lot,
something has to give a lot..

and who i am to give you what you need...
when im just learning...
learning how to live..

....

and to bear the weight and push into the sky,
its easier to lie.. easier to lie..

....

and do whats right when everything is wrong,
its easier to run..

...