raya 1432

think i like carpets!! haha. not those formal extravaganzzzaa ones, just.. the simple, young, pluffy.. for simple room decorations.

bought one yesterday, no.. ordered one, customized it.. i was excited.. but.. there was something in me that felt... unsatsified.. maybe i regreted the money i spent on it.. or.. simply i wasnt satisfied with the colours/design or apa2lah... but i wanna buy more from that kadai....... huhuhu.. and im not sure if i will regret this soon or not... some parts of me are happy doing this, ive always had my eyes on them... since lamaaa udah...

anyway. tomorrow is raya in egypt... (tonight is the ist syawal) i... am not ready yet.. emotionally, physically.. im still tired pasal bakas kmarin..

im not the type to get excited or even maybe affected by hari raya.. or maybe affected in the way that i dont really like the celebration.. i dont know what to say, or what to blame... when i read my sis's post.. she does not get excited fr raya partly because raya would be without our mother.. raya would just remind us of her and how incomplete and lacking raya had been since she was gone.. i dont know if my nature of feelings fr hari raya is because of that same reason or simply other reasons that i can think of or the combination of all or... its just me, naturally with or without those events would still feel this way...

i felt sad these few hours, but i think its not really because of raya... more to leaving ramadhan. maybe? or for what ive missed, for whats different, for whats leaving me.. antah.. i.. dont know how to say it... just mixture of deep feelings..

oh yesterday i went to aussie embassy and... the certification of documents is costly.. i was frustrated that my plan A has failed.. or not yet successful;p but.. frustrated!

hmm i feel sooo sleepy right now, and i have to sasah baju. aaah apa apa lah..

selamat hari raya aidilfitri egypt! and to all other places that share the same eid day. maaf zahir batin.. ;)

rant rant rant

i am venting my worries and daily things here lately...

why does the uni i am applying to (one of) have to ask for an official subject descriptions. my uni does not provide anything like that. i wanted to email them, stating my problem.. then it sounds weird.. how come one doesnt have studies layout for the year, or at least course layout? but really, we dont have one. we'll get to know what we are going to study only when we get the books. or by asking people, asking lecturers or anyone. nothing official, at the least. not even on the website(s). therefore.. in order to do that, i'll have to do description on my own.. maybe if i want to perfect it, i'll have to do the years layout as well, not only the course sole description.. then i'll have to go thru my boxes, refer back to yr 1-yr 4 modules.. and describe them briefly.. and then, since i dont think i am able to describe in arabic, i'll have to do it in english.. and then translate it to arabic and bring it to the dean of faculty and ask for their approval and official stamp.... whose approval i cant guarantee boleh dapat... and.... sigh. should i just skip this uni? :s should i just give them excuses? should i ask if i can get exception for this? but i personally think, having the description and layout of my course is important and will be very very useful in many ways. maybe its worth it to at least try...

then i'll have to go to aussie embassy for certification of copies, and then post it via secure egypt post... which is, i think, EMS or fedEx or something...

isnt that tiring? wawwawa.

sabar. if i want it enough, i'll do it gracefully - no komplen komplen no mengeluh, do it smoothly and patiently..

after those are done, things will go easier.. i'll just have to wait fr my final transcript and translate it and post it to aussie.. (depending on the uni response. i hope its a positive one, im hoping fr conditional offer after stage one of my application) .. i dont know, its risky, as i said.. final result lagi lambat..

but im hoping, and praying. whatever happens, sure Allah knows whats the best untuk hamba-hambaNya.. :) i'll always keep that in mind, and be in unconditional faith, insyaAllah.. amin..

room 000

sigh. have u ever felt like doing, saying things at the wrong place, wrong time? :s i'd say, i see myself as a considerate person, able to see through other's emotions and consider what others feel.. i am pretty good at reading things.. reading people included..

but sometimes, no, many times too, i had my guard down and possibly hurt so many people.. appeared in the wrong place or time.. and yes, became as selfish as a person can be at expressing thoughts and feelings, emotions or burdens or stories.. and minutes later, i'd find myself feeling guilty, and things keep hunting my mind.. maybe thats the cost of considering yourself as a "pretty good reader" - i dont care if others dont think of me that way.. well, its enough when i think i am.. haha :p

and u know, i always prefer having a good listener around than having a good talker who doesnt even know how or when to listen... :) i mean, i'd take someone with a balance in both.. but if you ask me to choose between people who have only one of those: definitely a listener! (only that if you become so close to someone, love them enough, u'd become an amazing talker with the ability to listen very very well, i think :D)

so anyway, for the past few months, ive been feeling like saying and doing the wrong things.. hmm.. i dont know, things just keep replaying in my mind that i could probably memorise them for at least hours after..

oh one more thing, i think im being alone is not so healthy.. haha.. no, im liking it.. but i was just thinking, if im so used to being alone.. i'd probably become too "independent".. too immersed in my own things.. probably would ignore other things that are not related to me, things that i think are not important, things that i am not in there.. i would feel like not needing others.. i'd become more selfish.. and then others wouldnt care about me too.. forget i ever exist.. and i would not receive much love and care and and.. when not loved, not cared for, i wouldnt have enough love to give others.. not enough love to spread to the world (the chain goes on and on....) :p but yes, i think of it that way..

aaah awu, my asus is dead.. :( i decided its better for her to take a good rest.. motherboard is expensive.. most said its better to buy new laptops than repair motherboard.. not that i want to let her just die.. im trying to control my budget now.. cewaah.. wael said i can sell her parts, theyre good.. but.. kesian jua ia tu? hehe. got the hard drive though.. and im bringing her back home..

but at least this one thing made my hour today.. haha.. phoned KFC, wanted a delivery.. and he said "miss xxx? what is your order" told him my order- "one snack box. spicy" and he said "so one snack box, spicy, with two chicken wings" -- haha i almost laughed for the fact that they took down the note of my previous orders of chicken WINGS :p (whenever i ordered kfc delivery - which is inda malar, can count - i always requested chicken wings.. hehehe.. bagus dorang ani, take note.. hehehe)

bah hey hey~

procedure

no.. no.. it was a mistake, i underestimated the procedure... there are more.. didnt read carefully tadi.. it's gonna be a long long journey.. sigh, think if i were home, it'd be easier? am i being gragas? or i am exactly supposed to be gragas.... mudahan tah sanang buat eh, amin.

60% done

yea... brother didnt forget the promise. i was almost disappointed :p

and so, done with online application, but have to post documents lagi.. haih, banyak lah procedure. haih mengeluh lah aku? haha. nadalah.. just, i'll have to go here and there again.. but good enough, ada tempat post surat bawah rumah sja.. ;p ielts punya original document yg jauh ni, hopefully they can still provide me with posting.. pasal.. i am so so far behind from one month limit.

so... when? it'll be on sunday only. huu. fri and sat weekend here. but i can print on saturday, arah kampung seberang or kedai sberang (apa jua diri ni nada printer:p) i hope things progress fast, so i can breathe easy :p sapa suruh tangguh2... hehehe

oh babe, im so taking the risk.... im just gonna take the risk(s)...

pray for me, pray for whats the best for me.. :) and pray that im gonna be strong to go through whatever comes next... amin ya Allah..

okay

remember how i complained for having a boring plain summer? haha, im liking the nothingness of it now :p doing nothing but staying at home. i like waking up late with no plans, i like sitting watching the air, i like the way i feel cooking makes me busy, i like being careless.. except now it might become extra nothing since asus is at wael. aah motherboardnya angus.. huhu.

i cant rely on this small buddy for a high performance, cannot cannot. now im being a little careful, i cant lose this one too, karang apa ku pkai for the important things? esseh. and so, kan mliat movie pun inda dpat brabis.. untuk yg alus2 nganya ku pkai ni.. hehe

aah also, no bawang putih, bawang merah, ayam, lada, halia at my house now. boring. haha. will go for grocery shopping tomorrow. and im in the mood for baking, i think. i actually thought that i wont be needing those bawang2.. macam eh alang2 jua ah kn bali lagi.. so i left the house empty for maybe a week, but i cannot tahan like that... i need bawang! :p

and these two days, i realised how much i havent enjoyed laughing. haha. i laughed, but forgot to enjoy them. forgot to feel the happiness in the laughters. thanks to the korean drama, caalii.. that drama plg makes me happy:p

emmm so.. yea so, tomorrow going to visit and decide fr asus, buy sour cream fr cake, buy bawang and gengnya, and... i dont know? i hope i wont be neglecting my sahur.. first time this year i didnt have one today pasal kalat mata sungguh2.. cooked fr myself and set alarm.. udah bepanaskn sgala, tpi tidur balik? haha. baik jua ingat kan menutup api:p in the end, minum aing nganya rupanya.. pemalas :s

then.. what? :p

daily news part two

cant believe how morning it is now ;p opened my eyes at 4am, and woke up at 5am.. awal nyanta ku tdur dmlm.. oh no worries, sedang melalui hari hari akhir tidak berpuasa.. hee

looking forward for a productive day. yea

done with my australia application. inda.. haha. nadalah, tunggu darling punya credit card lagi. kahkah. but sigh, banyak ragu lah i with the application. inda apa, i'll just go with that.. and tawakkal. hasbunallahu wanikmal wakeel.. :)

then what? do the house chores, packing and look into the possible pending required documents. and and wait for wael's phone call of course. my asus is with them now. she's not well again. get well soon, ok dear? i love u still.. ;p

bah~

xxx august

is........... tired.

its no fun when i wake up because i have to wake up, not because i want to wake up. haha:p

well, no results yet. had conversations with at least three people today. no, im not going to say or even to keep in mind the tentative date again. macam today is the day i wanna stop stuffing my brain with "soon". until further notice. hehe.

and so i'll start to fill the mind with other things, like things i wanna do, buy, go to, and settle the important things macam official letters, uni applications, etc (lalai mengalai kau ani).

tomorrow's gonna be my full-busy day. banyak kn ku aga, kn ku buat, kn ku taip, kn ku settle- or so it feels like. antah2 inda byk bnrnya. but but, aah have to go to at least 2 places... panas panas.. hahah

tomorrow - do not disturb. ceh haha.

oh btw, it felt good to have met my exam-hall-mate today. antah, but it felt good to exchange some hi hi hello hello. i hope to meet her or them again next time.

nah less than 2hrs before jalan lagi. quick quick, steal a rest! :p

wooh. long day. sleepy and tired.

it became a window shopping. i was super super hesitant. sayang duit. haha. bali ani? no, costs too much. bali ani? but not really on the list. bali ani? but bnarkan.. msani inda kuat ati, tapi krg nyasal.. bali ani? aah mcm inda jua ngam ah, mikin mahal lagi. bali ani? YES, but have to cancel yg sbuting atu lah.. tpi bnar kn.. bali ani, cancel atu? BAH JANGANTAH DULU!! pkir tah bisai2 dang~ hahaha

tomorrow (ahad bh) going to school again.. and almost forgot (but now udah ingat jadi excited tia) going to sungkai at makcik arab also.... nyehnyehnyeh. sungkai at sohib (tuanrumah) one of us the stay-ee.. haha.. one of the friends punya sahib. switch liur dulu, indaku masuk ni bnarnya mkanan arab aani.. brabis inda.. but, its okay.. im good, im excited.. hehe

so.... now, i need nasi, sleeping shower and a gooooooood sleep ;)

dream dream roti

wanna write this down here, while i remember. haha

last nite, had this weird dream.. went to buy a tiramisu, skalinya baaataaah, 3 jam baru siap. lpas tu aku marah, said : kalau tau udah mbuat smpai 3 jam atu, napa inda bagitau awal2? bulih juaku jalan tmpat lain dulu. err something like that:p then, went to this bazaar room.. saw all foods from home, tapi smua bentuk2 ruti lah.. but all i can remember were, ruti belanga.. ia bejual cmani.. 5/6 kilo = 58LE.. then i got angry again.. : mahalnya kah?? and it was hard trying to figure out what on earth does 5/6 mean? and i was trying to convert the price. i couldnt figure it out, but concluded its so so mahal, so so angry. hahaha. and also ada ruti paun inti itam... jual 10LE sbuting... bought that one! :p and saw many many other 'dessert' lah, tpi inda ingat.

jadinya mimpiku all in ruti-cakes-desserts pictures. tesliur kali? hahaha. but not consciously ;p

cute bh. :p

i'll try to sleep early karang.. bcause tomorrow morning going to airport and maybe shopping? hee hee

Pyramids August, 2011.

past the predicted soon . its friday now. perhaps... wedns, thurs next week? haha. last year, it was 2-3 weeks after "soon". but yes, soon or no soon, im praying for the best. for whats the best for me, for us all.

today, went to pyramid. i dont know it this was for the last time.. or not. but im happy that today was a little different, we went there a little late.. so we went for the guide so that we could go to another panorama route. never did that, never went that route before. rode a carriage. it was windy, not a very hot Ramadhan. and most interesting was that we brought our traditional clothe, baju kurung, to the eyes of pyramid. :p we wore baju kurong. payah plg, but.. fun. and satisfying. haha. so, this man said - i like the colour of your dress. we said, well this is our traditional clothe! (hint of pride. :p) he said, really? well ours is galabia. dotdot exchange of culture talks. hehe. and, an advertisement for another guide for another time. hmm, i want a night trip, watching the stars. can? :) he said can! its one of the packages. but just do me a favour for now, just... be good egypt. be good.. dont make another shake... be safe like no one would ever worry.. be the home i knew, be the better home. anyway, the pyramid trip was actually for 'graduation shoots' - teasers~ haha. syhh. i havent got the 'graduation robe' though. so some of us will be back for good soon, very soon.... sad ah, we balik betempiritan.. huu

nine pyramids altogether :) but the prominent famous ones are those three, ofcourse.

i smelled like unta. past tense:p and i am tired now.

gonna take a sleeping shower:p and... i wanna sleep batah2, nyaman2.. no phone, no bell, no noise, no nightmare, no sleep thinking, i hope.

my long story~ :p

i was excited to pack my books.. because i thought it'd be fun.. and more important, it'd be easy! but it turned out to make me.... a little reluctant, and sad.. looking at the academic books, the notes, the question papers.. oh, they refreshed my memory well! i looked at this book and remembered something, looked at the exam papers and smiled.. i remembered all the classes, the little-never-enough-effort i put, the difficulties, the joy and the pressure, all bah.. haha

and i remember, i never dreamed of coming here.. never.. when i really was able to study outside of the country, i was hesitant, wanted to study somewhere else because.. i dont know, just didnt have enough hati to be here i guess.. as i said, this was not my dream.. oh and i was scared psal hafalan quraan tu jua.. haha.. (astaghfirullah..) but then a lot of discussions and had enough advices from others and me myself weighed why i should choose here, so... i finally am here.

i didnt imagine life here would be the way it is.. 4 and a half years ago, i stumbled upon a picture of a senior studying here.. and i said, wah.. its different from what i thought.. thought egypt is all classic and u know left behind.. nada mall and all.. haha labih ah?

and now, bnar, yes there are different things about egypt.. there are some 'classical ways'.. the way the society live and act, the way things are dealt, the old systems (some, particularly in uni) or or more to being unsystematic.. brabis, look at the cars, the traffic .. look at the queues.. look at the way people respond on timing, the sleep pattern even.. haha.. but these all make egypt different, different and beautiful, somehow :) *tapi modern kali ah, kalah home.. hehe. ada mall basar by the way! :p

when i first came here.. i was scared of the uni academic.. it was surprising, the system, the chances of getting good results.. well i thought it was scary.. i even doubted my choice, bukan lagi doubt.. but close enough to regret... but... maybe we can use fear into all the positive things, make it what motivates us.. but i dont know, maybe its just luck, maybe its really the right way of using my fear, maybe its the prayers, the combination of all.. i went through my first year successfully, alhamdulillah. second year and after... the fear naik turun, and when turun... i sure was at some kind of peace but equally became super careless .. haha

anyway, with all the fear at the beginning and the super mixture of emotions after, i came to love this place, love the way life is here, love the beautiful places, the berkat, history, ilmu, agama of the place, love whatever i can learn from here.. love living my life here.. true i never dreamed of this, but all i feel for a long time now is how glad i am for being here.. how grateful i am.. and sometimes i would say to myself how come i didnt dream of this? how was it that i ever thought of regretting this? alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah for this opportunity.

i remember, when i was 7 yrs old.. or 8.. or 9.. when i was a child lah~ :p my brother was a student in one of the local arabic schools.. he said to me "doa kanak2 makbul.. so, pray what u want.. pray you will go and study in misr one day" - and i, much influenced by arabic school by what he said, included that in my prayer among other things, too... and maybe 12 years later, i really reached misr. i was amazed by kuasa Allah, seeing how my paths sudah tukar sana tukar sini, went to MD for a while and back again to the 6th form arabic school.. and as much as i hoped to but i didnt get the highest qualification/excellent result in upper six.. simply not the result that will bring me here, that will bring me any scholarship offer, no.. nothing based on history.. but we can create our own history, i guess.. there was this new scholarship offer for the school at that time, we were the first batch and the qualification wasnt based on the whole average grade but each subject grades.. i took the opportunity and here i am.. alhamdulillah. ive always thought this is one of the miracles in my life... whenever i am down, or shaken, i'll have to remember how grateful i am for this 'miracle' in the first place.. *oh not that i remember my prayer about misr for long long years until i was close to being here.. :)

anyway long story :)

but what i see is that, sesungguhnya tani hanya mampu merancang, Allah maha mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk hambaNya.. :) we never knew, never expected the better plan in stock for us, Allah knows the best

i hope, however it turns out to be.. i'll stand strong, i'll keep on a firm faith, pray to Allah semoga selalu ditabahkan hati dalam menempuh dugaan & cabaran hidup, sentiasa dalam pegangan iman, dalam lindungan Allah.. amin.. sesungguhnya Allah lah sebaik baik perancang, sebaik baik penentu.

when is soon?

paused packing yesterday - and possibly today:p baru jua almari lapang, puas th atinya tu prasahannya.. haha:p

went to school again.. today..

"results not out yet?"
"no.. soon"
"soon...when?"
"soon... maybe wedns.. thurs.."

bnar kn..? haha. masa last year mana bnr tu:p but.. doesnt hurt to try, right? and because this year, there had been some good changes, like some results were available at the 'admin' at least 20 days to 3 weeks after our exam ended. just like the uni... had 'promised'. so, im hoping for the better.

and i was planning to pick up my translation paper today, said it would be done by 3pm. but it was still 1pm at that time... tapi.. mcm alang2 jua mun kan balik rumah dulu, so i browsed my internet mobile, cari nombor talipun itu tempat.. so i called.. the man: "oh actually we have two branches, which branch u wanted to call?"

eh salah rupanya.. then i told what branch i intended to call.. "okay, i'll give you the phone number" -- me: "wait" cari pen. got the pen but suddenly i was interrupted by an african man yg ke skulah atu.. wakil wifenya kali.. hehe.. "results are not out yet?" he asked.

nah my reflex action got confused. phone or him? him or phone. i said to the phone again "wait" i said to the african man "oh not yet" and wanted to continue my phone conversation.. skali pnjang lagi ckapnya "not out yet? not even in the control (course admin)?"
--me "oh control already"
--him "but where is control? i didnt see any control room"
--me "ohh.." began to explain, but oh yes, my phone conv!! got confused again, i spoke to this african man in english, tia pulang~ said, "wait" (wait pulang sja englishnya ani) haha. oh btw, my phone conversation was in english, the other conversation was in arabic. balum lagi kes tecakap melayu tu in response to other languages conversations. dudui.. poor responsive system. haha

so talked to the phone, scribed down the number and turned my attention to the african man again. "there are control rooms in this building. what is her course?" explained explained explained and "if ure not sure yet, you can ask people in there"

then called the number on my book.. "hello xxx center", the man answered.

me.. "hello.." suddenly thinking, the voice sounded familiar.. astaga, i called the first, the wrong number again. not only reflex actions got confused babe. haha

just, i found it... cute. hahaha nadawh.

anyway, baik jua i called beforehand pasalnya mnada siap translationku yet.. balum jua siap at 3pm.. they said only siap at 9pm.. malas th ku, lain kali sja ambil..

so... the important thing is.. when is soon? gatal2 sudah hati. haha. sabar~ :)

tiktok ticking

Friday, August 12th, 2011. Cairo, Egypt.

3904.

officially started packing.

depending on the email reply, i might be only days away from... leaving.

leaving this wonderful place. this beautiful phase of life. these years of life-learning.

these are the days. they really are here. the days i thought ive foreseen 4 years ago.

:')

bzzzttt

how.. a lot of thinking lately, make it hard for me to sleep.

besides, i have to think about decisions too.

and, about the future too.

reflections of me, of my life too.

also, many other things. even the smallest of things.

they all come at one time.

telling me how i really need to grow up..

they all come at one time.

just... restless and tired.

intentions actions

the good intentions in a bad action.

perhaps, people might have misunderstood the good intentions behind an action.. but perhaps, its us who might have delivered the actions wrong, no matter how good the intentions are.

hati

walau sedikit hidayah Allah yang benar-benar sampai diterima oleh hati, menyebabkan hati bagai dicarik-carik.. teringatkan dosa, terasa betapa kurangnya diri sebagai hambaNya.. hati terusik, terharu, teramat bersyukur dengan nikmat hidayah Allah.. saat yang sama, hati terasa amat tenang dan damai.. akhirnya, jalan pulang, jalan lurus ditemui.. saat yang sama, hati menjadi kuat, seperti dilimpahkan inspirasi tiada nilainya, seperti diberi keazaman baru, kehidupan yg baru.. saat yang sama, hati terasa takut kalau saat yg seterusnya hati kembali lalai, kembali tersesat.. entah bila lagi jalan pulang ditemui..


"hati itu umpama cermin, jika terang cermin itu maka teranglah ilmu pengetahuan yg diterima" -menurut Imam Ghazali, rahimahullah.

; teori cermin (al-Mir’ah) Imam Ghazali, dalam karyanya yang sangat terkenal itu –Ihya’ ‘ulum al-Din. Menurut Imam Ghazali, hati manusia ibarat cermin, sedangkan petunjuk Tuhan bagaikan nur atau cahaya. Dengan demikian jika hati manusia benar-benar bersih niscaya ia akan bisa menangkap cahaya petunjuk Ilahi dan memantulkan cahaya tersebut ke sekitarnya - (this phara about theory is copy pasted from a blog)

ya Allah, semoga hati kami selalu terang dengan hidayah dan petunjukMu.. amin

ai

bohhh ssssiiigghhh. is it the way i read words and things that make me feel like i am misunderstood and that i too, understand things wrongly.

apakan ni, is it me - with things to think of and some emotional conflicts or pms or is it really the way it is?

i know one way to blame me.. but.. u see, im not the only element..

frustrated jua... at this very moment :(

of mixtures

i dont feel good... i need a good sleep. i feel weak.. mcm effect lapas minum kupi and inda dpat tdur.. tapi bkn plg.. just the sleepless night. and the tiring day, ngaleh nyamu ke hussin atu time2 puasa! haha. mun mliat aing bewap and ice bsurung di sana atu, bari beistighapar eh. (istighfaaaar. hehe). "dont look dont look, tutup mata, alihkan pndangan.. sesungguhnya orang yg sdang berpuasa itu teruji iman dan kesabarannya.." hehehe

so.. i feel like.. sangaaaal~ tpi mostly sangal-lack-of-sleep punya sangal.. and my right arm/hand (ndaku tau bh mna singgan part arm ani.. atau bleh jua utk whole part? haha. google2, or ask. hahaha :p) ytah TANGAN kanan ku sangaaal bnr, been suffering from this gatal2 since... a week? tpi sikit2 bh, sbuting2 atau dua at one time... and dorang jadi bangkak and purple.. and now yg arah tangan ani bangkak, merah purple and mcm ada air/possibly nanah (barigali? soriii. :p).. and so, inda nyaman rasa kesihatan i~ indaku tau if sbenarnya external body sja yg kurang sehat atau ada immune system pun sdang berjuang.. but i dont feel good. oh the good thing is that.. this is the first time aku suffer sensitive skin due to weather (mangkali) - of this kind punya sensitive skin - spanjang ku di misr ani.. before ani, just minor minor,, inda bangkak.. skali somehow im okay with this.. ampit jua experience-kind-of-okay *aku assume wah ani ni 'hassasiyah' yg due to weather base on friend's experience

and my stomach inda nyaman.. mcm kn mutah, i think due to exhaustion and lack of sleep.

plus... mostly because im in mixture of emotions now. i know there's a lot of happiness there, in me. and.. a lot of thinking too. and.. maybe worries.. and.. maybe excitement... mixture of emotions lah.. make me restless, not in a bad way.. but restless... nanti ku describe tah kali.. tapi.. yg bnr bnr bnrnya, alhamdulillah, syukran lillahi ala nikmatihi.

haaii, i should have posted something yesterday, when there was clearly one emotion that dominated - HAPPINESS, just so my words and expression in here would justify how grateful and happy i am.

alhamdulillah ya Allah.

=)

people and us

sometimes.. when we look at someone, and they carry those wide smiles, bright eyes.. they look so... happy, so carefree.. we assume. we assume they have a perfect life, where they are far from problems.. no burden, no responsibilities.. and we say to them "what kind of worries would u have? u never have problems" but what do we know, really?

perhaps.. we can assume the opposite instead, that each person in this world carries the unspoken.. their own problems.. be it the burden they carry, be it the worries, be it the guilt, be it the sin.. what do we know, really?

a smile, a silence, words... they can mean different things..

versus

the difference that i can think of now.. of why last summer felt.... special and super awesome.. and and this summer feels, (i personally think), plain and boring and dull... because because.. last year i was striving for something, striving for survival at the least! this year, it doesnt feel much different from any other normal days i spent here... except that i have so much empty (feelings and schedule) this summer..

and last year, i tried many new things, full schedule days, spent my time with the people i barely spent my daily days with (oh i miss you two!).. and therefore.. thats why i enjoyed last year more.. and.. i became that super appreciative.. partly because i knew those days wont repeat again.. i'll never get to experience the same..

(aah maybe i shouldnt have let my summer be empty, should have registered for some classes or something? haha tpi malasku eh~ stressku karang... tpi in the end, the pressure's gonna be worth it.. i know..)

oh and because.. this year.. i dont get to spend my days the ways ive always imagined..

but then, syukran lillah ala kulli hal.. thousands of reasons for why things happened the way they happened..

and its me who cant really bring and feel the joy in the things that i do.. sobsobsob

رمضان كريم

1 Ramadhan 1432H, Egypt.

i am given the chance to be in another Ramadhan again, alhamdulillah ya Rabb, ya Allah.

its always good to see how misr people always take ramadhan as the grand month, much more than Eid ilfitri's celebration. as i said before.. lights everywhere, joy and happy noises, lanterns, the sounds of ayat al kareemah... nothing changes much this year, ofcourse. oh except traffic is okay pun..

and unfortunately for me, i dont feel what i felt last year.. that feeling of wanting to appreciate everything, every little thing.. i wanted to remember and feel every micro details of things and events - at least i had put my camera into actions last year, on almost every step =p plus i wanted to make full use of my every minute.... sad you know, not having such feelings now.. bnar..

so anyway, i hope i will do good in this holy precious month.. make full use of it, benefits from many angles.. understand what ramadhan really means, appreciate its value.. closer to The Almighty Creator Allah.. menjadi insan yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.. selalu diberi kesabaran.. semoga puasa dan ibadah tani diterima Allah, amin amin.

اللَهم انك عفوٌ كريم تحب العفو فاعف عنى
"Allahumma Innaka 'Ufuwwun Karimun Tuhibbul 'Afwa Fa'fu 'Anni"

(Ya Allah Kau lah Tuhan yang sangat suka mengampun, ampunilah dosa-dosaku)