dimensi xxx

im kind of.. emm, i feel like.. emm stuck somewhere-in-i-dont-wanna-mention-it.. haha, in dimension xxx (xxx again:p) whatever it means, any way you interpret it.

and i fell asleep way too easily. lazy-or-tired?

i come to admit that, when someone says "i like you" within 5 seconds of your meeting/conversation.. i'll have to say, i'll have to put my bet on it that its true. the probability of it being "true" is much higher than of it being not. BUT, the problem is... the person who is being said to... would have doubts in it. flattered. happy. proud. but, are you kidding me, you barely know me. dont joke around with a heart, with a feeling. im flattered. and if i explode, i'll hate you. but i want it so badly to be true.

NO? dont you agree? think again until u agree. hahha.

second problem: the person being said to would wonder, "what are you... liking people that easily?" (and at the same time, wondering.. if there is even the slightest hope that im the only exception. its not a habit, they do not like everyone that easily. and if its a habit though, do.. i.. have.. to.. care? haha). well.. maybe.. because i dont wanna make a fool of myself out of someone's easy habit.

**help me here, dont you stuck your mind on love relationships stories please, mari coobaa luaskan minda ke arah lain. can? macam pejabat/job interviews occasions. can? can, ofcourse, alter some parts. use imaginations. haha;p

also, third problem, yea "i like you" but both parties are swayed by the fact.. i like you but (we both dont know if i will like you for a long time.. or just for this 5 seconds or until the next 5 months.. or.. forever...)

so, i take it.. when someone says good thing about us, just.. believe them and enjoy that moment! because, who knows.. they would take it back the next day.. save the hurtssss for later, dont be scared. (note to yourself bebeh)

**now, below, is on different note/story tia, but still about "humanity" haha :P

its weird sometimes, how much you would hate someone.. or something you've always liked or loved, many times you would have to change the way you see them.. many ways that you would see and find flaws in them.. but those things could never change the way you felt about them.. the good feelings you've always have fr them.. the way you remember them in their best forms. in your best moments. their best parts. i guess, heart is really beautiful. it can never be bad, even if it turns bad, still there will always be a good part in there. up to us to really really really find it and.. yea, be good and be good....

say, u love winnie the pooh so much, gave you such good impressions.. u grow up with winnie even.. so much of inspirational words from the big bear.. but one day, the words insult u.. it goes against your philosophical thoughts or whatever, and you feel betrayed. but, i believe.. the hatred and anger you feel that moment is nothing compared to how much you've loved the bear all this time. all this long. so, after some times... all u can remember, all u can feel is how good winnie is. contohku wah.. bia tia wh... :p

hmmm. i better go to sleep, tho it seems impossible to get to sleep now after like, sleeping fr the whole day.. inda pulang~ umpama lah~

i have an early class, "tuition", tomorrow. at 8.

what did i just say? if u get it, u get it. that is some digestion skill and tolerance u have on my-some-many-times-complexity:p i admire you. (now, this is half true-half not) :p

week xxx

tiring week. haven't been at home, really home.


i want a whole day off. off, curling on the bed. not re-building-myself. not re-organising-myself. no laundry. no reading. no memorising. no, just... be home. and be relaxed. not even thinking. not anything.. until.. until im tired of doing nothing.

run

run.. run until it hurts.. run.. run until you feel running is like walking.. run.. run until running seems easier than walking..

ive started the morning run again.

my route is yusuf abas, sebelah rumah aja. hehe. went straight line until before the simpang to school u-turn, then back again straight to home, thru the front simpang, passed the traffic light. the route will be longer by each new run. (estimated yusuf abas straight and back again-school route- is 1.6 to 1.8km only. i suppose continuing to home is 2km. i dont know. my estimation only)

(but next week, i'll use the same route and distance eh, ngalihku. haha)

last two weeks we jogged to sadis.. but ofcourse, i didnt jog to sadis without stopping. never been good in this sport. in any sport perhaps. but my housemates are and were good, dorang belusir pkai power kuda kuda:p

as i jogged, i couldnt think of any pressure that i should shake away. boring eh. not that i want pressure PRESSURE to think of, but.. just something to occupy my mind, to run away from the thoughts of distance and pain. hmm. tips bebeh? hmm. ooh plus, why why the middle-towards end phase of running was much easier than the beginning? mulih ampir rasanya, startingnya wh jauh. hmm. i think its the mind set punya kraja plus "finding the right pace and breathing"

i hope i will be good in running. sobsob

because, whatever your choice is, don't joke with it. don't take it for granted. as i always do slash did. sobsob

have i really tried?

yo

stress sebelum waktunya akan menjurus kepada tua sebelum waktunya. aiyo.

ini adalah tanda2 besar bahawa mungkin satu hari, iaitu soon, bila sudah tiada mampu menyusun pace secara baik semula, maka jiwa akan explode dan menangis.

i am abandoning my memorising, a big mistake there.

i have 40 mins essays-home-test,do-it-honestly-please and some readings to do, before 6pm

i have a report to complete which is supposedly due before 12 midnite brunei time. i dont think i'll submit it on time...

i have a study group tomorrow, have to baca the buku and cari mkna and understand, explain.

i have a big decision to make. one more email reply, then i'l have to do whatever i think is right... it really feels like starting from square one all over again... i guess, i was careless... and a little unlucky - of which holds thousandsss more great things,reasons and meanings behind it.. im sure :)

and most of all, my worries and this-lotss-of thinking lately is half-killing me (tips: dont think too much while suffering PMS) :p

i think my way of dealing with things is just not good enough, otherwise i'll be okay. ani pun kan stress dang? cematu wh~ labih wh prasanku~ mcm overreacted bh~

its just, when you think you have so many things to do, you indeed have many things to do but no solid plans on how to do them accordingly, no steady actions, no good solution, it leads to pressure. (yet, there is this kind of "over-faith" saying to yourself over and over again, 'its okay its okay, i know how to do this. i'll be okay, it wont give me pressure. im doing good' but what is it that you do, really? what makes you think you know what to do when in fact you have no plans at all... this failure of producing actions in the end will build up the pressure even more...)

and... its... when you spend too much time in something, u feel like losing grasp on the other something... and it creates panic inside you... hence the unwanted early-stress..

iatah kn mliat movie nganya bh krajamu~

my pace is unstable. far behind targets. i have to regain speed, the right speed! i have to find steadiness bebeh.. and then, everything akan jadi magik.

kalo sudah ada magik, aku dapat kek, & ingin bershopping. okeh? okeh.

sepusin

i wanna live where a one dollar note makes me happy..

i wanna live where the little things make me happy..

its just hard, world nowadays create greedier people. where people forgot the little things.. where people become less grateful on... things they have, things given. less appreciative.

not that i am not happy on the little things now, but who knows if its only a matter of "not yet"?

you see, i always think that i would always be happy living in freedom.. where i go around the backyard, or the garden.. pulling out the cabbage, watering the carrots, smelling the flowers, lay on the backyard grass, counting the stars.. living like there is no care in the world, enough to love and be loved by those who matter.

hmm.. but would i be satisfied? i doubt. i possibly would whine and be depressed at times, thinking... of what if, thinking of how much more i'd be capable of instead of just smelling the flowers. i doubt it that we will ever feel like getting enough. if you have something, u lose the other something.. right? we cant get both. and therefore.... choices exist! and....

my whole life, i might not choose the best options ever.. not the right decisions ever. and even the right decisions, not might produce the greatest results though. point is... i might not make the rightest decisions, not even the best ones... however, i will live my choices. make the best out of each of them. perhaps, i could even make the best out of those mistakes (when they are mistakes). say... alang2 buat salah, lets just turn it the other way... other word, lets learn!

nyehnyeh

whose exception?

oh i shouldnt be allowed to have a "weekend", im good at wasting time. i barely did anything good these two days. basically, did nothing.

ive just watched "he's just not that into you"- so much insights in there, good fr those who like insights... like me. haha. just... nice. so... exception happens. love happens, ofcourse. there's gotta be someone who truly loves who you are. there's gotta be someone who mistakenly falls in love, falls fr the wrong person. etc etc.

THE exception uh? yes THE exception.. then whose exception am i? :) then who is my exception? :) no, actually.. maybe, referring to the movie.. it should be, WHAT exception am i? haha.

nikmat lapar :D

kadang2 kita perlu korbankn perut demi makanan kegemaran.... :') haha

i have a sensitive stomach. i cant eat udang because it will cause me stomachache. well.. kcuali time2 ku bnar2 tesliur, mkan sja tia.. tpi jarang lah tesliur. i can barely eat products made from udang such as keropoknya, belacan, any perisa udang and even tomyam (just found out recently smua yg perisa tomyam atu ada serbuk udang... including megginya..) i thought all this while, mn ku sakit parut mkan tomyam thats because tomyam padasss and masam. tpi fortunately tomyam doesnt cause me stomach ache consistently/all the time.. jarang2 sja. hihi. and so is keropok. ikut nasib.

so i remember, this sensitive stomach suffered a good-deal of pain. it took me a week of my previous stay in brunei. i ate a food from a restaurant and right after that sakit tia parutku. muntah2, beria2.. ala, u know the usual package of stomachache:p probably food-poisoning or simply bacteria-attacks. i endured the pain. one or two times the pain was so bad i wanted to go to the hospital (usually at night) but in the morning, the pain became less so... no need hospital, i thought. malasku, slalunya kna admit... or so i was told.

the annoying part was also the fact i didnt have the desire to eat anything. klw mkan pun, it hurt the stomach and ada after-effect ofcourse:p and as the days went by... i didnt feel the pain, but i didnt feel hungry either.

it reminded me of the one time that i said (if not mistaken, i said it during my trip in italy or masa exam baru2 ani.. somewhere along these two) - "cubatah klw mkan skali ani mbagi kanyang sampai bila2 ah, inda jua pyah mngunjar makanan. haha." see, careless statement...

u know why? because of this: "be careful of what you wish for......... - you might get it all" or even ONLY the specific parts that you wish for.. i didnt feel hungry, yet i wanted to eat because i needed to eat.. and i missed being hungry, it makes me think of foods i want, it makes me have wants and likes of certain types of foods... it makes me really really want to eat and boom boom the appetite.. hunger makes all the foods seem delicious nyumnyum...it feels great to be able to eat with good appetite, we enjoy the food better! sesungguhnya lapar itu satu nikmat... pecayalah. hehehe ;p

cakes

reward for myself: cake! self-baked cake!

once i am done with my personal statement, i will bake myself a nice cake. (dui rewardnya, buat sendiri nganya wh :p) its okay, i am craving fr cakes. been craving since i got back here. mun dbrunei, saanang udh mnulus kdai kek ni. di sini, i dont really like the cakes. i prefer the self-baked ones. mine or friend's hands ;p it feels nice, to be able to eat the cakes freely, unlimited amount.. mkan besudu arah takir. hish. nyaaaman eh :p

some of the days this week have been productive... at least. but not to my target yet.... hai, i have to finish my personal statement. i have to memorise al-quraan.

ani karang, stress mikirkan benda2 yg kn dbuat th plg ni.... bukannya stress membuat. rugi sudah~ haha.

i just need to get my hands on the personal statement, once i started then it gets easier. kn start atu yg pyah tu. ani whinenya nganya labih2 wh

anyway i am too lazy to bake a cake now, pasal mcm ngalih kononnya plus i have other worries in mind.ceeeh~ :p

shoe syuhh

the problem with being short-sighted and not wearing the glasses when youre actually supposed to wear it, is... whenever someone is looking at you, you dont know that theyre looking at you because you cant see them so you thought they cant see you too. fact, they see your face and expression and whatever it is clearly. clearly. try wear the hidden spectacles. surprising! haha. macam kau senyum2 sndiri, atau mbuat mua.. thinking the other person cannot see u clearly..... hmm

anyway. i remember this one time, i went shoe-shopping, in cairo. (ani crita lain ni, bukan psal kacamata:p). i was standing and looking (seemed interested) at this one particular shoe. then one lady came to me and asked "you like the shoe?" huh huh? snapped me out of angan2. i wasnt interested actually. sja2 teberanti. so i answered "oh no no" - for i thought she wanted the shoe or she was the shop-assistant, antah.. i didnt pay attention.

then.. THEN she laughed hysterically. bassar. tkajut. i was puzzled. ktawa? why??? sambil ktawa, out of breath, she said "this shoe is made in china. hahhaha. and you said you dont like it. hahaha". puzzled, still. so?

hah.. i know.. could it be, she thought i am from china and i didnt like my own products? no patriotism in me.. at all? like that? just like that??

"im not from china anyway" -

"not china? hahaha. still.. hahaha. its you neighbour. hahaha". i am sure the laugh would have annoyed you too. would have annoyed anyone in my place.

something rose in me. anger, annoyance. she was still laughing. i thought of saying something. but the wise part of me came waking me up and i let go the situation and went outside.....

she was unbelievably rude. how on earth she could laugh like that at a stranger. even when the situation was, say, the funniest in the universe. why? no respect at all?

right, there was certain fault in the way i responded.. i should have shown at least a little patriotism and love towards my country, my race or my region. people find flaws in whatever you say and do. people look at you, judge you. point taken... you can always find and show love in the simple things. and you can always find flaws in the simple things.

but, in the other angle.. its a freedom of opinion, i cant possibly love anything that comes from myself, that comes from within me.. that comes from my origin. no? i cant love just anything. taste, and opinion and choices are what human is equipped with.

so, standing in the middle. i should be more careful in what i say and do.. no careless acts that give the wrong message: i dont love my country, my origin. i dont support it. i dont protect it. i have no patriotism.. while at the same time, having the freedom of opinion and... choices. :) we can do both.

monday, april

monday: taking a day off school, so i can get myself settled down completely. i haven't unpack my things from my luggage and hand-carry yet... can you believe it? haha. adalah.. took what i needed, and the rest remained in the bags.. and the bags remained "seated" somewhere on the floor. wonderful.

i went home putat last february sehelai sepinggang.. and i didnt buy any new clothes then. (except baju kurung). i didnt even put on my sister's baju; one or two times maybe. i survived with what i bought and brought from Italy... the i-love-milano, i-love-italy t-shirts... and two long-sleeves.. handal kn? i didnt care how i looked like or how it looked like aku pkai baju balik-balik. hmmm. (not admirable, not charming). hmmm. but will you still love me? hahaha. hmm

well.. lets just hope its just gonna be a monday off. not a week off. (i'd probably make some more excuses like i have to complete my personal statement, i have to memorise al-quraan, i have some outside classes, etc etc.. yeah?)

and... lets hope i will be completely settled by today. both emotionally and physically. plus some spirits here, being inspired there. driven and motivated. rajin tahap jula juli. yes.

:)

cehehe

in some courses of life, there is this favourite-all-time question:

"what would you be in 5 years?" - i often answer it with certain doubts yet big big dreams and ambitious enough, so impossibly ambitious that was..... so to say, impossible to achieve in the time frame given. bannar. laughable even. depends lah. hehe

while growing older and maybe (MAYBE:P) wiser now, i come to my senses. i could have the biggest dreams ever, i could answer it with some kind of enthusiasm, confidence, charm that impresses whoever is asking.... but i should make it achievable.. time-wise, effort-wise, etc. what good dreams can be if we are only saying them without really meaning what we said, without actually looking for plans to make them work, make them reality?

dreams that only dreams, and dreams that we actually really really want to realise? i say, i have both. and i feel the differences.

in 5 years uh?

now, these days.. when i close my eyes, when i sit doing nothing... i would ask myself "what happened in these 2 years, 3 years?" maybe i was just standing in the wrong lane of life.. fighting over the wrong things, repeating over the same mistakes, doing the same habits, doubting decisions over and over again, no lesser than ignorance, too lost in things thats not even worth it... 30 days of learning over 335 wasted days..

other times, i would think its been a wonderful years.. years that i wished i could live like forever, years that i learned so much... years that were wonderful enough to spare for old time sake-memories.. while i sit in the rocking chair. wuhu. (or while aku besigup sigup kirai. haha. oldies around me used to do that when i was much younger. ada lagi kh tu ah sigup kirai di jaman jamanku nanti? kalau ada...... hopefully i wont be involved in the hobby :p)

tempted to add the word, nyanta or nyamu somewhere... ----> aku ani malas banar msani. bilikku ani.. sikit lagi nada tempat bejajak. im not inspired at all. i feel bored almost all the time. i have the thoughts of cleaning the room, doing the laundry, doing the revision, frightened by the speed of time..but i would sit instead.. reading books (non-academic of course).. then i'd be worried by the uni application fr master and things related.. but still, i would browse the internet and watch the movies instead. cmana ni, inspiration.. inspiration.. inspiration...

air jatuh yg bekilau2? atau rama rama yg berwarna warni? sikit lagi poetic dan antik bahasaku ah. cehehehe

**excuse nahu saraf patah patah perkataan hamba, and all sorts of error. banyak worse nowadays. you cool aye? me cool~ ;p

romeo

when a romeo gets into a serious relationship... when he truly loves, dont u wonder who the lucky girl is...?

makes me wanna go fr a romeo! hahaha.


joking :)

yes, you

i cant believe that it can still hit me right in the heart. funny how i thought i am really okay. but it hit. it hurts. no, i didnt cry, i guess it is not that bad then. maybe i just need certain solid things to completely let go.. of everything, of any slightest memory that i hold on to. like this. like this one solid thing. i gotta hate the way you make me feel man. never fails to make me hate and forgive and etc etc. haha.


most women are delusional when it comes to relationship. well.. i guess i was one of them, yes, sadly.


im somehow glad. im sure this is a good thing. this is for good.


i cant afford to repeat the same mistakes again, can i?


so... now, hello again? let me rise~ and shine~ ;p

goyang bumi

definitely a good scare. equally interesting experience of a minor quake and shake. haha

will be up on news soon. i bet. the earthquake felt in cairo and giza and zamalek and areas nearby.. some shakes caused by the earthquake in Greece perhaps.

that is.. if it was really an earthquake.

my apartment is on floor 9. how do u imagine the "shake of the quake?". i thought, the room/building was literally shaking from original position, to left then back to the right. i'd prefer the word begoyang than begagar. i was sure of what i felt, the buliding was shaking. base on what, i dont know. i felt it and i saw it. antah apa yg ku liat beguyang atu. for a very short while only. seconds.

my first thought was an earthquake.

so i went next room, to the housemate and asked if she felt that too. then i went to the balcony, looked down below.. wondering what actually happened.. anything worse happening at the ground..? i thought of the possibilities too, since egypt was pretty shaken months ago. i cant get away of the mindset that things could happen... na'uzubillah. semoga kami semua sentiasa selamat dalam lindungan Allah. egypt is a wonderful place and so is the people.

and i was wondering if the neighbours would be out on balconies too actually. haha.

anyway, i felt bits of earthquake. fortunate enough it was only that. therefore lies in the interesting part of experience. hehe

again, if it really was an earthquake.........