aged

i dont like looking myself in the mirror these days.. i look old.. and dull.. and drained.. and tired.. haih

i think no week was a good week fr these 3 weeks.. some days were good, some were bad.. but first week all bad ;p

anyway, sakit badanku eh... bilath ia kn inda sakit ni? haha. recovering during the weekend, kan kan recover atu comes monday and start again..... sabar sja.. :p

lesson 3rd week: patience is hard. padan th basar pahalanya urang besabar ani... subhanallah :)

whatever im going thru, i pray its gonna bring me closer to iman, to Allah.. amin

colour me

when i give up.. when i have doubts.. when i lost faith in myself.. help me up.. pull me up.. :)


monday: i wait for wedns. wedns: i wait fr friday. weekend: they leave fast. thats the colour of my week. :p

nyehe

hmm... macam.. getting better.. inda plg inda mengalih. hish sangal sana sini lah, but getting used to it, and when get used, it gets easier..

(morning we do the 'ha-ha-ha physical exercises' ; becali wh.. the exercises cause our muscle/body aching sana sini, lurus th sudah tu ertinya exercisenya ah. haha. before this jogging jua udh, naik bukit, netball angih2 etc but ive never felt like this before, never done this kind of fitness optimization.. ntah apa ntah:p ytah jua mbaginya mnambah pressure nd tantu2 atu:p mbagi nervous saaajaa.. and mbagi mngalih... hahaha.. then masuk ofis and do our work(pun mngantuk2), skali balik rumah mngalih daaa.. mengantuk laaah.. dh tu bangun awal lgi... -im reminded of the price and meaning of 'weekend' after a long long time heheh)

anyway 1st week was hard, very hard... 2nd week i cried in front of the boss (and the story reached other bosses. hmmmp).. but i guess letting that out made me feel a lot better.. also, got my first task done and at least i felt motivated.. days will get better but days will get harder too, there will be days i'd be so down, so giving up, so demoralised and i hope i'd be able to pull myself up again and again..

bnar eh, it was like a plane crash trying to cope with 'serious life', with the other side of the world...

i can see how life will be when i start my career nanti, i'll struggle the first few months and i'll keep on struggling.. but remind me that the first steps are the hardest.. remind me to be strong.. remind me the right intention, remind me the right reasons....

3rd week.. i hope its gonna be a good week.. going along with our second task, the big project.. i hope we'll do it right and good :)

i pray, whatever im going thru, whatever im dealing with.. it'll bring me closer towards iman, towards Allah.. amin amin :)

huahua

i am at my weakest state, or perhaps this is the strongest...

i always have doubts inside.. of who i will be, the kind of life i will lead.. i doubt if this is the right choice, if this will make me happy..

all this while, i always said to myself: do it. just do it. maybe i should stop thinking whether or not its the right decision.. whatever it is, make the best out of the decision ive made. i chose and i will have to live with my choice and its consequences. because i already chose, i will be responsible for it..

i didnt know that when the time is nearer, when u know that u really have to face the consequences, or perhaps when u grow up enough, u learn that priorities could and would change... maybe as short as two months will change you in a lot of ways, that short time could make u see what u really want in your life..

and now that im barely confused by what i want, i have yet to face the consequences of my choices. i said im 'barely' confused, u know i still am..

i didnt know that i would break down that day infront of my new boss. thats the first time in my 'career' that i cried dapan boss.. the first time i didnt pretend to be tough and said at least one third of my mind, although its a small proportion of thoughts and feelings, it helped me to feel better.. handal boss atu, what was about her that made me let myself out like that? haha. but silahau, that was basically her first 'formal' impression of me! that would have opened up spaces for her to see my weakness or strength among many other things.. but at least there was a value of honesty in it..

i dont know the truth, but she said what i experienced was a professional pressure, dont worry and dont feel bad. now that im still emotional about it, i might not be able to think of it in the best way... but one day, my heart will be set at peace and i wont cry and i will go fr what i want, without doubts, without regrets. that one day, i will know. that one day, i wont be able to lie to myself anymore. that one day, i will make the best decision for myself.

so anyway... i love weekend!!!!! hahaha

3

day 3, training and attachment.

my first day of proper training. exhausting mcm kajar2 tgnku and my shoulder or generally my upper body. plus, hensem bnr jua urg yg men-train ani (co-trainer lah kirakan). i noticed but wasnt distracted by the handsome face, just reminded me of a someone i knew from previous program (chinese sporean. nda plg sipit matanya, just the face structure). anyways, just saying i think the handsome-ness could be a distraction someday.. hahaha astaga

emm attachment. nothing tough happened, just the toughness of mingling.. and i think everyone noticed yesterday's incident.. because i think today they mentioned something that could mean "people who dont know him would think of him differently..", things that could mean "dont take it to the heart, dont be hurt too badly"

and some words of motivation.. be opened to critism, sometimes u'll have to learn thru the hard ways, and if people do treat u bad, say bad things to you.. learn from it: they act that way because there are reasons.. we should reflect ourselves, find what is wrong and learn to change fr the better. or if not, at least we learn not to be the kind of person they are, and not to treat others that way...

anyway. i was too concerned on my hatred yesterday that i couldnt think i could forgive.. and then i read this:

"ya Allah, if i hurt others, give me the strength to apologize. if others hurt me, give me the strength to forgive.." amin.

remind me, there are reasons why Allah put us in certain situations and places, for He knows the best we will get through it, shape us for the better hamba and He knows that we will bring good things to the place.. semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan dan ditabahkan hati, diberi kekuatan.. amin ya Allah

remind me, the first few steps are the hardest..