attachment day 2.
i dont like coping with people's standards. i dont belong with them..
and specially specifically.. i hate him. (i cant get over it, cant get over hating him!!)
why do some people treat others like they're much better, talking and joking about others' flaws.. AS IF they dont have any.. -remind me not to be one because i know i do that too, not realising, not intending..
but at least today showed me once again a way home.. reminded me what home is in that sense... in those seconds, i knew exactly what i want, knew exactly what makes me happy, knew exactly where and what home is..
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
day 1 - 2011
training day 1.
attachment day 1.
survived easily. a little bit of physical. a little little little bit of mental. banyak movement, banyak concentration.
but i doubt tomorrow and the next days would be this easy. semoga dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan kami, ditabahkan hati, dikuatkan semangat, diberkati. amin ya Allah :)
attachment day 1.
survived easily. a little bit of physical. a little little little bit of mental. banyak movement, banyak concentration.
but i doubt tomorrow and the next days would be this easy. semoga dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan kami, ditabahkan hati, dikuatkan semangat, diberkati. amin ya Allah :)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
life... in 24 angles
i spent weekdays (since tue) at my bro's house because i had a few things to settle and attend... its just... its funny how i think (think. i use the word think:p) that ive been thinking much of home within these short days. i would wonder how that little kid has been doing.. wonder if he would come running or even as little as excited to see me back home.. wonder if they feel my absence at all.. its weird to be thinking this way because ive been far and away from home as long as i could remember and my absence wouldnt be feel much, inda mbagi kesan pun:p but maybe, because this time around im away skajap sja and inda jauh, thats why i feel a little different - or so i think;p - and well that just shows how much time ive been spending *locked&isolated* at home.. :p
so anyway, i just wanna share about that particular day i was at home. i dont usually let my temper out to kids (except being cold maybe) because i usually think too much about their parents' reactions if i get angry, theyre afterall my sibs and those kids arent mine.. hehe.. that day, i got angry a little, but not too much to cause a kid to cry or mnyamal and such (in my judgement only. haha).. but somehow my nephew mnangis tia and mnyamal.. the maid asked him to say sorry to me but he refused and so, i didnt want to pujuk him or anything.. but not talking to him after that, and the fact that he didnt even look for me made me unsettled, made me feel guilty.. would i have to sleep with the thoughts of guilt, and with the painful feeling for hurting the little kid, wondering if ive made a mistake or if i did right, wondering if he'd love me less? that little event/incident:p made me think a lot about parents.. u know, how much parents have suffered internally without us knowing and understanding? how much internal conflicts they have been facing, choices decisions and pain they have to face? at some points in life, i did wonder about these things and i thougt i got it, i understood.. but that day, i knew that ive been wondering without understanding.. knowing without realising.. know the facts, not the feelings.. a father would scold his kid in the hope to discipline them, to shape them into a better person.. and even for the micro fraction bits of heart, the child would think that his father is mean.. not realising that his father is hurt too for hurting him, not knowing his father suffered too for the better of his child, not understanding how much his father has sacrificed in that little action.. what do we know, really? i am not a parent, there has to be lot more to it that i didnt see, that i havent seen.. and i hope to find more along the way so i can prepare to be the best one when the time comes.. :) *esseh:p* .. some other little things i found out is on my post "children and dotdotdot".. not much, just from the side view of a fake babysitter..
oh u know one of the times that a kid would make me very happy that i thought i am about to float is when they want to eat nitritous meals. hahaha. pyah kaliah kanak2 ani kn mau mkan, and when they want to eat mcm banyak2 and even drg yg merequest, it makes me so happy.. then i would say to myself, how happy would a parent be just because of that little thing? (nada plg little tu:p)
and so, as i said.. i wanna be a good mother (and a good wife ofcourse:p -tiket ke syurga nyamu tu:p-).. but u know, it scares me to think if i fail to be the person that i wanna be... scares me to see how much work-commitment i signed in for that it would test me to the deepest of depth: how to be good at both? how to be successful and happy at the same time?
well... i hope to figure it out in time :)
so anyway, i just wanna share about that particular day i was at home. i dont usually let my temper out to kids (except being cold maybe) because i usually think too much about their parents' reactions if i get angry, theyre afterall my sibs and those kids arent mine.. hehe.. that day, i got angry a little, but not too much to cause a kid to cry or mnyamal and such (in my judgement only. haha).. but somehow my nephew mnangis tia and mnyamal.. the maid asked him to say sorry to me but he refused and so, i didnt want to pujuk him or anything.. but not talking to him after that, and the fact that he didnt even look for me made me unsettled, made me feel guilty.. would i have to sleep with the thoughts of guilt, and with the painful feeling for hurting the little kid, wondering if ive made a mistake or if i did right, wondering if he'd love me less? that little event/incident:p made me think a lot about parents.. u know, how much parents have suffered internally without us knowing and understanding? how much internal conflicts they have been facing, choices decisions and pain they have to face? at some points in life, i did wonder about these things and i thougt i got it, i understood.. but that day, i knew that ive been wondering without understanding.. knowing without realising.. know the facts, not the feelings.. a father would scold his kid in the hope to discipline them, to shape them into a better person.. and even for the micro fraction bits of heart, the child would think that his father is mean.. not realising that his father is hurt too for hurting him, not knowing his father suffered too for the better of his child, not understanding how much his father has sacrificed in that little action.. what do we know, really? i am not a parent, there has to be lot more to it that i didnt see, that i havent seen.. and i hope to find more along the way so i can prepare to be the best one when the time comes.. :) *esseh:p* .. some other little things i found out is on my post "children and dotdotdot".. not much, just from the side view of a fake babysitter..
oh u know one of the times that a kid would make me very happy that i thought i am about to float is when they want to eat nitritous meals. hahaha. pyah kaliah kanak2 ani kn mau mkan, and when they want to eat mcm banyak2 and even drg yg merequest, it makes me so happy.. then i would say to myself, how happy would a parent be just because of that little thing? (nada plg little tu:p)
and so, as i said.. i wanna be a good mother (and a good wife ofcourse:p -tiket ke syurga nyamu tu:p-).. but u know, it scares me to think if i fail to be the person that i wanna be... scares me to see how much work-commitment i signed in for that it would test me to the deepest of depth: how to be good at both? how to be successful and happy at the same time?
well... i hope to figure it out in time :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
at the edge..
ive been living off-track.. and addicted to it. life now is so simple, i dont have to use thinking ability much;p nda pyah mikirkan daily chores kh apakah.. nda pyah mikirkan if i look okay, or if im smart enough good enough and such.. and most of my feelings went numb.. feelings to excel, to compete, to be good, feelings about future, feelings about my current life and the life ive left.. i dont know if im deliberately blocking them or its just im still in my 'transation' period.. but then when i have to face reality, i feel lost.. so left behind.. so hating the other side of the world.. i dont think i can fit in 'serious' life anymore.. haha
and its hard knowing that ive forgotten to ask myself what do i want, what do i like, what kind of life would i want to lead.. forgotten it all.. because.. maybe at some points, i just go along with life.. wherever it takes me.. choose what i think is the best for me, forgetting whats best for me wont always make me happy.. and at that some points, i dont even know anymore what makes me happy..
while the life im currently in is so relaxing, it is so at the edge. im left behind from news, from info.. bh mun everything is through facebook/internet karang ani, aku lagi jarang arah facebook/internet.. not only that, i cut myself out from people and things, i dont even read news, i dont say hi much, i dont really go out, i dont watch tv except for cartoons and some cliche dramas/programmes.. me and my own world and the close ones.. me being a total pemalas plus being a fake babysitter... but still, as in the edge as i am, i learnt a few things from this relaxing life.. i wanted to write many things about it, about what i discovered, but.. kn ke blogger pn ku pyah :p and then all those things blended in the thin air saja.. anyway, my point is aku ani idup arah duniaku sndiri lah, brabis. haha. thats why im saying its becoming hard to cope with reality now..
the first few weeks living like this, i thought its okay.. i just arrived and things will get in place, will get serious.. but no, its still the same (though i dealt with my important urusan, ofcourse).. life is still like this.. and i fit in well;p but.. no matter how okay i am with this, i do realise this is not really my life and i cant go on with this kind of life.. i'll eventually get tired of 'not knowing'.. of having to hate the other side of the world, of life.. no matter what, i'll have to lead my own life where i have to worry about things, to deal with daily chores, to say hi, to know things, to be a part of something important.. to be successful.. to be with those who matter.. and at times having that slow pace relaxing life.. and above all, to be happy.
anyways. as for my updates, if youre curious:p, i just had my undang2 kereta paper test- still a long way to go:p i am not even confident with my test.. mudahan th pass. amin. hehe. eh my bro asked me to try his four wheel drive ranger, skali mati sja enjennya ulihku. haha. demoralised eh. i am okay with auto, tpi auto nganya. i go out with auto every morning of the weekdays. and once or twice or many times i made mistakes too- dude, doing mistakes on the road really make me down. okay. emm and im waiting for masters approval. im going to have my attachment and training, probably starting 29th nov. err whatelse? im cleaning my so upside down bedroom (balum mau abis2nya). later in the afternoon im going hiking and bbq with colleagues and bosses. more, i hate it when i have to deal with internet-related things. and when i go to kadai (shopping complexes especially), i forgot what to buy.. ceh lari dh critaku ani. what else what else.. ahh yg pentingnya most of the time i spent with my nephew at home lah.. (ada ya little sister jua, tpi ia inda suka aku. pemilih! haha:p)
aah just to add, that one time i went to best eastern aimlessly.. that day i was in a bitter mood, hating to realise that i found it difficult to cope with reality- skali while in there, i had the idea to buy buku little mermaid, that is my most fav childhood story book, yg ori version lah, yg mermaid jadi buyah (banciku versionnya byk ah. ada yg happy ending. u know, the sad and crushing ending is the one that made it my fav, tore my heart so much that i remembered the feelings well. ytah jnth diubah versionnya, once in a while, little kids have to realise that life is not all about happy ever after ending. eseh). anyway, i couldnt find the version of little mermaid that i want.. so i asked the shop assistant.. she ended up offering me this one book - 100 classic stories; ada little mermaid of my version - and yes, i bought it! (jelama mudah tepengaruh bnr ih:p).. but that book cheered me up, and i was and still am happy.. hihi.. got to read many other childhood story books yg balum ku prnah baca and be reminded of the old storied yang udah ingatt-ingat lupa. i found it cool. kihkih.
macam byk ku taip ani. batah ku inda blog bh eh.
bh eh.. ;p
and its hard knowing that ive forgotten to ask myself what do i want, what do i like, what kind of life would i want to lead.. forgotten it all.. because.. maybe at some points, i just go along with life.. wherever it takes me.. choose what i think is the best for me, forgetting whats best for me wont always make me happy.. and at that some points, i dont even know anymore what makes me happy..
while the life im currently in is so relaxing, it is so at the edge. im left behind from news, from info.. bh mun everything is through facebook/internet karang ani, aku lagi jarang arah facebook/internet.. not only that, i cut myself out from people and things, i dont even read news, i dont say hi much, i dont really go out, i dont watch tv except for cartoons and some cliche dramas/programmes.. me and my own world and the close ones.. me being a total pemalas plus being a fake babysitter... but still, as in the edge as i am, i learnt a few things from this relaxing life.. i wanted to write many things about it, about what i discovered, but.. kn ke blogger pn ku pyah :p and then all those things blended in the thin air saja.. anyway, my point is aku ani idup arah duniaku sndiri lah, brabis. haha. thats why im saying its becoming hard to cope with reality now..
the first few weeks living like this, i thought its okay.. i just arrived and things will get in place, will get serious.. but no, its still the same (though i dealt with my important urusan, ofcourse).. life is still like this.. and i fit in well;p but.. no matter how okay i am with this, i do realise this is not really my life and i cant go on with this kind of life.. i'll eventually get tired of 'not knowing'.. of having to hate the other side of the world, of life.. no matter what, i'll have to lead my own life where i have to worry about things, to deal with daily chores, to say hi, to know things, to be a part of something important.. to be successful.. to be with those who matter.. and at times having that slow pace relaxing life.. and above all, to be happy.
anyways. as for my updates, if youre curious:p, i just had my undang2 kereta paper test- still a long way to go:p i am not even confident with my test.. mudahan th pass. amin. hehe. eh my bro asked me to try his four wheel drive ranger, skali mati sja enjennya ulihku. haha. demoralised eh. i am okay with auto, tpi auto nganya. i go out with auto every morning of the weekdays. and once or twice or many times i made mistakes too- dude, doing mistakes on the road really make me down. okay. emm and im waiting for masters approval. im going to have my attachment and training, probably starting 29th nov. err whatelse? im cleaning my so upside down bedroom (balum mau abis2nya). later in the afternoon im going hiking and bbq with colleagues and bosses. more, i hate it when i have to deal with internet-related things. and when i go to kadai (shopping complexes especially), i forgot what to buy.. ceh lari dh critaku ani. what else what else.. ahh yg pentingnya most of the time i spent with my nephew at home lah.. (ada ya little sister jua, tpi ia inda suka aku. pemilih! haha:p)
aah just to add, that one time i went to best eastern aimlessly.. that day i was in a bitter mood, hating to realise that i found it difficult to cope with reality- skali while in there, i had the idea to buy buku little mermaid, that is my most fav childhood story book, yg ori version lah, yg mermaid jadi buyah (banciku versionnya byk ah. ada yg happy ending. u know, the sad and crushing ending is the one that made it my fav, tore my heart so much that i remembered the feelings well. ytah jnth diubah versionnya, once in a while, little kids have to realise that life is not all about happy ever after ending. eseh). anyway, i couldnt find the version of little mermaid that i want.. so i asked the shop assistant.. she ended up offering me this one book - 100 classic stories; ada little mermaid of my version - and yes, i bought it! (jelama mudah tepengaruh bnr ih:p).. but that book cheered me up, and i was and still am happy.. hihi.. got to read many other childhood story books yg balum ku prnah baca and be reminded of the old storied yang udah ingatt-ingat lupa. i found it cool. kihkih.
macam byk ku taip ani. batah ku inda blog bh eh.
bh eh.. ;p
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