doubts

"what i lack in physical strength, i make up for in determination" =p

but.. without enough interest, not wanting enough, determination fails to exist.. and without determination, what am i?


and so... i keep doubting myself..


pull me out, pick me up.. make me believe, again...

behapa..

have u ever been 'stung' by 'pikat'? err do people, generally even know what 'pikat' is? haha atau thats just they way some people, like me, name it?

yatah kn.. there are these weird something on my skin - mostly hand/arm.. macam bakas kna gigit pikat, only that ada lagi penambah perisa toppingnya.. ada muncung (what am i describing? hahaha) and theyre like.. spreading.. kalau di kukut.. then appear tah the island of pikat swell.. with the topping.. apakan the cause ah?

just curious what the cause is? klw banyak bnr tu, u can imagine like... "becoming a monster" punya skin :p

*mcm jobless*

stand by you and you and you

there are a few people in this world.. less than a few, in fact.. who will always have me stand by them, no matter what..

and even IF they make mistakes.. i will stand by them, not in the way that i will fight for the mistakes, go along with those.. no, no.. i will be on their side, probably hating their mistakes, too.. but no matter how wrong they are, no matter how i may hate the mistakes, i can never hate them.. for i know i can always forgive them.. and be there for them.. even when the whole world turn against them, throw the blame on their shoulders.. even if in the end.. its us against the world..

yes, i will.. for those less than few =)

dear..

.. sometimes, even those who are very dear to our heart, very close to us.. dont understand us that well.. they dont really get what we are saying, what in our mind, what our joke really is about.. more than often they read us wrong.. they dont get who we really are.. and they.. somehow dont have the mind telepathy magic... and i have to say, i am surprised.. i am surprised that it could happen between two close people.. surprised.. and.. disappointed..and then it makes me think, so what makes two people that close, that..... connected, somehow? there are some parts in us that they treasure.. there are some parts of them that we feel so easy to be with.. and things that we dont find in others whenever we are with them.. yes, maybe.. maybe.. that is why.. we end up that close because somehow we love each other enough to always be there for one another.. just enough to feel easy to be around with..

.. while there are those people that we feel at ease to talk to.. people that we feel like we can talk just about anything.. its so comforting and easy to share some conversations.. share our stories, exchange our views without a hint of judgment.. and get out whatever it is there in the bottom of our heart.. someone we share the telepathy with.. understand us in many ways.. but.. but.. somehow, there is always this barrier that we never cross between us.. like, i am not depending on you, and so are you - not depending on me.. we always have to be careful with each other.. yes, we share those talks.. and i wish we can always talk like that but i guess, we dont care enough, not more than that.. somehow, besides the talk, and the mutual interests, there are just so many parts of us that dont make us a good partner.. not in the way it makes each of us easy to be around each other.. not in the way that we will be always be there for one another.. there are parts of them, of each other that are not easy to forgive..

.. there are vital parts that are missing in both relationships.. friendships..

.. i mean, people are dear to us for different reasons.. two people become close for different reasons.. and its important for us to realise that we dont get everything in a person.. and for what we dont get from them.. we learn to forgive..

.. we dont get everything in a person.. no, we dont get everything in life..

.. but say, one day i cross the path where i have to choose between the two "closeness".. i dont know.. i dont know.. i sure dont wanna be with someone who doesnt understand me deeply, who get me wrong.. and yet, i have to ignore that and forgive that everytime.. but i sure dont wanna be with someone who i dont feel easy to be around with all the time.. too..

.. but yes, we dont get everything in life.......

(except.. i dont write, i havent written yet my third or or fourth or fifth version of choices, of "closeness", of relationships, of friendships.. that.. maybe isnt so hard to forgive and live with.. no matter what:p)

.. but still, just know that we dont get everything in life......

these early good-byes

blues~

or maybe just a plain boredom.. haha

a change makes a chain of other changes u know..

when it becomes like this.. things become like this.. oh actually when egypt became like this months months ago.. things changed..

ive always wanted to go on an egypt trip.. "i'll do a trip across all egypt when i am in my 4th year.. while i got nothing to do.. on my summer break.. " -go to one place after another until i make my footprints in every places, back only when i get to visit all.. understand what bumi anbiyaa really means.. but i guess, i was too late to realise that things could change in a blink of an eye..

and now.. people, people that i supposed to spend my time with on the summer break.. spend our time together while we still have the time.. get the best last bits of egypt in our head.. and heart.. and do it naturally, without having to have the mindset "theyre going back in a few days" ..not all will be here for long.. and.. things feel like falling all over the place now..

and i have to realise.. things wouldnt be the same now even for those who stay.. because now, we spend our time together just so to make up for the soon-not-being-able to spend the time together.. ever anymore.. and most of all, because its not all of us here anymore.. things.. arent the way ive always imagined.. not in the way ive always pictured..

as much as i have to let go this phase of life.. need to get out of it.. it is not easy.. not easy to just wrap up my life, start a new phase and forget what was there in the past 4 years...

for i know, things will be different.. things will be harder.. and i am gonna miss this phase of life.. i am gonna miss everyone in it..

.. la vie

for some precious years of my 23 years.. i lived where excuses should not exist..

for some precious years.. i lived to learn that anything is possible..

and for most of my life.. i lived where i always made my own choices.. taught to be independent for my every decision..



..... .. ....


made the good parts of me.. made the bad parts of me..


... ....

and again..

so.. heard the rumours.

i.. honestly dont wanna go back home.. just YET.. i mean, not before the time i expected..

i wanna spend whatever time i have left for this place..

and leave with no rush, with no worries, with a clean break.. clean ending.. (amin.. bi-iznillah..)

set my heart at peace..

lets just wait for what happens next, until things are confirmed.

but.. i have to remember, whatever it is... sure for the best.

mun ku balik awal before my estimated time, behapa ku ah? i wanna babysit and do nothing sbenarnya.. that is after my expected time tapinya.. so, mun awal.. mengurat tah ku tu.. he he he

inda papa, just.. its the feeling of "not getting what you want" kind of thing. hehe. but again, sure.. for the best. (not being sarcastic or or cynical. i mean, really)


oh bytheway 20th July, its my brother's birthday today!! my third brother. happy birthday abang ku! =p last year he said something like this "thank you adikku yang sudah basar, but always the little one in my eyes" =) *aah i take it as both bad and good statement- bad because they will always take me as kanak2, good because they will always love me that way :p

i hope he's having one wonderful birthday.

mudahan betambah2 rezeki..
selalu menjadi suami & babah yang baik..
sentiasa dalam lindungan & hidayah Allah..
happy and success dunia akhirat.. amin..

and all the best wishes are there in the world..

amin amin ya Allah..

thanks for everything..

love you all! =p

far far away kingdom

tell me, where can i find my far far away kingdom? :)

went out today, after a few days of lock down :p not really, ke markaz ke sharif jua bh ku skajap. hehe. but still, its most of the hours thats count~ :p

so.. went out today, wanted to fulfill tesliur ku.. which are "spegeti jollibee" - dont ask how im gonna do it. tapinya.. bnrnya mnadaku slalu mkan spegeti jollibee.. hehehe. and and this biscuit that looks delicious.. skalinya, i thought alang2 jua ke metro sja.. so i watched a movie, fast five. i was torn between transformers and fast five.. (because fast five bekurun2 sudah di wayang.. karang abis tia. and fast furious-es are my favourite) nasib tia jua transformers ani nada main awal atu.. so it was fast five.. i thought i'd have the cinema to myself.. i mean, its such an old movie... tapi banyak jua urg :s and the cinema is cinema melangui.. andangnya di genena inda siuk.. aah someday, i want to have the cinema to myself, ku cucuk yg pagi.. movie yg kurang hot sudah.. hehe

but why oh why, the counter-men had to ask things like "ticket for one? alone? youre watching it alone?" i mean, come on.. why not? i did this already before- watching movie alone- but no question asked.. pasal pasal pasal genena damit kali and i am a foreigner, so easy to notice...

anyway, i like Roman Pierce! haha. Fast furious paling ku suka yg ke brapa tu ah? yg si o'conor sama roman pierce. hehe

gonna continue my hours being the good housewife i am.. =p menyasah, manyap bilik-maybe-, cooking and baking- maybe.

ooo yiii~

(oh apparently no baking, ada missed barang. esuk ku jalan lagi kjap :s)

happy birthday si kakaku

its my sister's birthday today.. 17th july. i dont know how to greet her on facebook.. because greetings on facebook, i think are becoming lame. i mean, maybe I THINK its lame.. but they all come from the heart, people mean them, mean what they say.... and that means a lot to the birthday people. its just, i stopped greeting people on facebook at some points... i dont know.. maybe its the mood, maybe i just missed the notifications and other people's greetings or maybe i pretended to have missed those because to be perfectly honest.. sometimes, i questioned my sincerity.. but then again.. sincere or not.. that doesnt matter, people are happy to be greeted in any way, from anyone, i know. what differs is the level of happiness, some greetings, some people have such powers on you.. make u happier than the other.. so i guess, there shouldnt be questions of sincerity.. because maybe my greetings- regardless the fact of my non importance existence to them- might put a smile on their faces, i mean.. maybe, could be, who knows :)

so anyway.. i was thinking.. of what she likes.. one of the things she loves is cat and she is not a fan of my drawing (i dont like mine too:p) therefore i drew her a cat, drew her cats - so that now she has to like my drawing no matter what. haha =p



i guess, in relation to birthday - growing older, wiser, the cat here shows "growth" too. haha. manasja tah ih

i hope my sister is having one smacking wonderful day.

and i pray for her..

semoga selalu diberi kesabaran & ketabahan..
dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan..
mudahan happy and success dunia akhirat..
diberkati umur.. deberkati hidup..
sentiasa dalam lindungan & hidayah Allah..

and all the best wishes are there in the world...

amin, amin ya Allah..

i love you!

(oh i have two sisters. the other one birthday time march~ love them both! )

yours sincerely

many times.. things that hurt us, words, people, actions, events that hit us somewhere bad... we let them slid..

we thought it is patience, but sliding things without sincere acceptance and forgiveness... will build up resentment instead of tolerance.. the tolerance we thought we would earn by burying things inside..

the next time those same things hit us.. the next time we meet the same words, the same flaws.. they become magnified, all that we felt becomes worse.. heightened.. until all we have inside is hatred.. until we can only see the wrong things in every little thing..

whoever says patience is easy?

maybe easy enough, when we really understand what patience is. maybe easy enough, when we are willing to find where sincerity lies....

16 plus 8 equals 24

so.. i counted. not intentionally, but i counted. haha. puasa in cairo, klw time july-aug.. specifically july lah.. pasal aku nda sure waktu solat bulan august yet.. waktu puasa time ani.. is like 15-16hrs :s woooh batah rupanya.. brunei around 13hrs (and plus) sj..

yatah, puasa sini 16hrs... that leaves 8hrs waktu makan.. no wonder, it made me mkan like every 2-3hrs.. (pasal there is plenty of food, mcm rugi mun nda sampat mkan, karang tabayang2:p) plus mbari kalat mata wah, barat th pulang kn bngun sahur.. normally, i would still be up at 12-1-2-3-4 am.. tapi these days, i fell asleep around 10pm or 12am.. therefore made it hard fr me to wake up again at 2am. and since i eat every 2-3hrs or so, plus forcing myself to wake up at 2am, it makes sahur inda nyaman.. haha. and maybe that explains why the day feels short:p

that is.. all?

yatah nganya CERITA ku tu ;b

my cave

woooo... good to be home. =p

the day feels short. spent my day cooking and baking. (its fun - tapi ngalih eh. haha) my whole life, ive only baked three types of cakes. chocolate oreo cheesecake, brownies, and cocoa cheesecake (coklet cheesecake plg namanya, but cocoa jua tu ia pakai.. cocoa lah :p rasanya pun cocoa). atu nganya pemandaiku. should try more! but.. cakes are ridiculous! so not healthy ;( macam.. brapa banyak lah gulanya.. campur lagi kolestrol talur, campur lagi other sweeteners. aish.

spent the day sleeping and watching whatever sorts of fictions too.

im gonna enjoy my days! until im tired of being in the house. and hopefully, its enough time until i dont get annoyed by every little thing, until i am in no bitter mood.

actually, its about the same time of the year as last year i felt this way - feeling bitter, annoyed easily, angry and all i wanted was to be home and "alone". but last year, it was harder and brabis bitternya because i was actually adjusting to being really alone at the house and the hectic summer courses. tapi as the days went by, i felt better, a lot better, happy and i liked my summer days.

anyway, i think ive gotta think again... 'am i really excited for the coming ramadhan in cairo?' hahaha. panasss and ngalih yg lain ngalihnya... i imagine i will have to force myself to cook nanti.. and i will prefer to stay at home (ada tu karang yg julur2 karing lihir mun kn bejaur bnr :p) then if im gonna eat out, i'll have to be really early to compete for the place with the crowd. and the days are gonna be short.. tidur pagi, bngun ptg, masak.. sungkai.. (then bepanyap kah, ke masjid kah.. ) and a few hours later around 10pm, gets sleepy and wake up again after 2-3hrs (or substitute tidur to jalan2 kah), then masak.. or makan sja tarus sahur.. and thats the cycle of the days. short. or so it feels like.

but... its gonna be siok jua i think, in some ways. =D

bitter

i know it well, the feeling of wanting the exam to be over.. wishing you dont have to sit all day long and revise.. not having to be sleepy and get tired of it.. and know it well too, when the exam is over, really over - just like you wished for.. it feels good, but you lost the exam routine hence the drastic "emptiness" and "hollow" of time-spending. you dont have to limit your time anymore, saying to yourself 'this is only for an hour, lapas tu aku mngafal' (but ofcourse not! one hour became two hrs and three.. and u name it). there is a certain emptiness.. something that is missing.. then, we have to re-adjust to the new routine.

been spending my two and a half days out of the house-most of the hours. ironically, i didnt have good and enough sleep these two days- exam punya sleep was better. but im gonna spend my next few days caved in the house. i want to re-adjust! (kn mqadha puasaku :p saaamaa... i just feel bitter)

and when i feel bitter, its like i dont feel an ounce of care of the world around me, of the things around, and even of the people around (generally, not exactly individually) .. i dont feel an ounce of love in me.. completely feeling dull and bitter.... i just wanna be home- wherever, whatever home is to me at those moments. because, if not.. im just gonna hate myself, and people will hate me and i will end up hurting those around me.. and just... the world seems a little bit darker than it already is. and i wanna run away from it, be in my own world.

now, i just wanna be home. caved in the house for a few days. keep myself from the crowd. be alone. spend my days lazying, do the exam routine- except now its without school-books. and yes, qadha puasa.

the price

aaah. we have to admit.. there were times in life that we spent our time, our thoughts on the wrong people. and no matter how many times we cursed ourselves.. no matter how we wanted to put it as something regretful... as a mistake.. as a bad decision.. then somehow, we would remember why in the first place did we put ourselves at such expenses. and.. in the end, we know.. "the heart wants what the heart wants". that was why. right or wrong, mistake or not, we have to admit too, what we felt is what we felt.

i guess.. we'll just have to live with that- be reminded of the wrong things in our life and laugh at those mistakes, at how foolish we may seem... and yet, even when we laugh hard, even when we shake our heads profusely.. as pathetic we see we were.. it feels.. it feels.. like.. it is not really fair to put a blame on anything, not them.. not us.. nothing.. mistakes that were not really mistakes, but they can never be not mistakes.

step up

step up. is it late already to say "step up" your game now? haha. yea im like 12 hrs to exam now.. but there is no 12 hrs more i am gonna continue revising, i'll literally collapse :p

im exhausted. but like i said, i still have to step up. there is no way im gonna go into the exam room with what i have now.

haih. mudahan tah tejawab bagus punya jwapan karang. amin! amin ya Allah

injured eye

this is what happens when you dont get enough sleep...



beibun ku tu beibun!!

happened somewhere end of october, 2010. got some little sweet wounds on the face, and on the eye lid-gave me one swollen eye. from a little accident during quadbike. my THIRD quadbike. never did get a scratch during the first two, skali yg ke tiga atu...... i did so many stunts, so many failed 'suicidal attempts' that i finally got at least one-almost-successful. haha. inda lah, it was light. but i didnt know how exactly i could get into the accident. i mean.. the speed was under 10! or at least under 15! im sure because at least a witness said so, and im sure because bikes in front of me were forming a line- slow and mem-brake, so i guess i was trying to slow down and brake my bike.. but instead i turned my bike away because i didnt brake in time, trying to avoid something.. and i hit the tree. kana garit... (hmmm. maybe!)

but the photo above, was during my 'recovery' process. lawa sudah tu. haha. compared to when the wounds were still uncleaned. ani becream2 sudah~ :D -except creamnya inda pandai rata ulihku pasal aku takut sakit klwnya luan masuk arah luka. hahaha. and that was how i walked around and i didnt care. mana barimalu di sini, especially places like sharm =)

oh anyway, my sleep is not terrible :p okay lah.. &&& aku te-gagas tia nah kan abis exam.. heh heh. (gagas is not good!) my exam will be over soon.. like, in 3.. emm 2 half days? satuuu lagi. satu. one. i like the sound of it.

tapinya now.. aku kana attack ulih malas. haha.

bah!! putik smula the motivations and spirit we dropped along the way. lets take a deep breath. close the eyes. and start fresh again!

street-asir

when the exam is over, one thing i sure want to do is... minum asir.

minum asir and just sit around, outside the kadai. along the street. sit and do nothing and no further planning on what to do next. thats what i like to do- do nothing. just go where the instincts lead you to. just do what the instincts want you to.

sit, talk to the people youre with, or just look around.. watch the people and the place with nothing specific in mind.. or.. just you being lost in your thoughts.

awesome.

its not really doing nothing then :p

(and its no fun doing this kind of thing alone pulang. haha. except those moments when i feel like walking alone or sitting alone and be on my own, hoping to get some peace of mind and serenity from being alone)

alright~

seconds- of reminder

countless.. we feel so happy, so healthy, so lively as if it can never be taken away from us.. so preoccupied with our 'life' that we forget we could die just any second...


im scared to even just post this up. scared of what i feel about this. but i hope by posting this up, it will be my constant reminder... for at least, i will remember writing this and remember the feeling that should be here.


we should be grateful to Allah, to be reminded of death and at least have the feeling to do something about it. do something so that we end the good end. towards Him, towards jannah. amin ya Rabbi.

=)

because... how many times actually we even think about how we might end? and it is indeed scary.


Allahumaj'al khaira umri aakhirahu, wa khaira amali khawatimahu, wa khaira ayyami yauma liqa-ika.

Ya Allah jadikanlah sebaik-baik umurku pada hujungnya dan sebaik-baik amalku pada akhir hayatku, dan jadikanlah sebaik-baik hariku iaitu hari aku bertemu denganMu (hari kiamat)

Allahumakhtim lana bihusnul khatimah, wala takhtim alaina bisuu-il khatimah.

Ya Allah akhiirilah hidup kaami dengan husnul khatimah (akhir yang baik) dan jangan engkau akhiri hidup kami dengan suu-ul-khatimah (akhir yang buruk)

amin ya Rabb!

happy hours?

these days... i am happiiiesssst when i am asleep.

hmmm.