Ramadhan

my stay here, during the last summer break.. was only until one night of Ramadhan.. i remember having this conversation with a young man.. jual beli man.. a few days before ramadhan..

"are you going back to your country or are you going to spend ramadhan here?" he asked.

"am going back"

"which is better, where is nicer - ramadhan here or ramadhan in your country"

i smiled, and said .. "emm.. ramadhan here is nice, but.. in my country, i get to spend ramadhan with my family"

he nodded some light nods. said.. "diblomasia"

"hah?"

"diblomasia"

signaled a friend with a shared stare "diplomacy, i think" she whispered.

oh yes young man, i am a libra-n. a birth-star-sign happened to be described as "diplomatic" and balanced. but.. whether it is true or not.,depends. that day, it happened to be true. other days, may not be. haha

i think i am excited to spend ramadhan here, soon! with all the hot weather and traffic. :p

tapi macam siuk. the first ramadhan here was yr 1 (no fun because i was a freshie and being here was new to me) 2nd yr, emm.. around 10 days of ramadhan.. but i was still unpacked.. just got back from home.

last year, all i got to see and experience was the unbelievable traffic, extremely hard to get taxi. the beautiful ramadhan lantern all over the area. and the first night of ramadhan, and it was beautiful.... meriah, with all the sounds of ayat al kareemah from the mosques, with the lines of people walking to and from the mosques, with all the light, with all the badil, with all the happy noises, with all the joy and happy and friendly faces people showed..

i definitely am looking forward to it! =)

cant think of any title

but i still have that excitement when i am watching PB.. its like one love that you've somehow forgotten about, a love you've buried deep, and when u see them again, or see even as little as the triggers, the sparks are there.. and everything is before your eyes.. come back, again. and.. you keep falling in love for the same one. over again.

(emm.. but.. doesnt mean thats the only one love u have, the only one thing u love.. heh.. )

wooh macam sirius :p

tapi awuuu, aku liat kan.. and then these things pop in my mind "how did they manage to get pass through that and this, atu cana bulih jadi catu ah? forgot a bit" and that i still think of things like "come on. dont die, dont get caught" - when i already knew how things are in the end. aish, i know clear crystal they broke out of the prison(s) and the brother is not chair-electrocuted (apakan namanya?=p) that he is alive and well till the end. ceh. apala. and i'll have this in mind too "eh yg part atu mana ah? yg part sekian2. aah i remember this, i remember that. mana ya ah?" and ceh again! haha

emm. actually, i kind of lost track of dates. exam does that, sometimes. i sometimes lost track of days too. because all i have in mind, i have exam on certain2 day and then i got confused, 'ari ani ahad kah rabu ah?' i know the gaps between exam days are obvious, can count from that. but if i were asked instantly, then i can actually MANAGE to be wrong jua. haha. but this time around, i lost track of date!! like, really. hmm

bah........

doors

Sucre is one of my most favourite screen characters. one sweet man, very loyal. value love, friendship and his belief the most. he may not be smart or rich, not a somebody but he is full of heart and happy. he is funny, sometimes. and handsome, no less.

skalinya ku meliat prison break lagi smula... mencari mara. haha. but, thats a lot better than watching new series/dramas.. because then i will get excited and all i think about is watching next episode and next and next.. sampai satu season tu seharii karang. i told you, ive thrown up once bakas meliat series seharian (with sleep and food-deprivation) psal msatu lpas exam prasanku, the very day of abis exam.. or something. forgot. but throwing up is much less of a problem here than wasting so much time and leaving the book and possibly regretting so much.

here here, scofield says: "when i was a little, i was afraid of cupboard. because i always thought there was a monster inside.. but my brother told me that its only a fear, and a fear is not even real. its not made up of anything. its like an air, not even that. its nothing. so just open the door and face whatever is inside.."

"so whenever i have fear, i know its not real and i'll open the door and face whatever is inside. but in here (prison), i open that door and there are just so many doors behind it"

(or my edited version of what scofield said. macam tah ku ingat bnr2 =p)

for me, i know what door of fear that has so many doors behind it. i can list a few of mine, although im not so sure of that. because well, what if they actually have only one door? =)

so yes, lets just open the door.. and the door after, and the door after. because fear isnt real?

(but if fear isnt real, so is courage and maybe happiness and maybe sadness etc? haha) nadawah! buring.. =p

its just saying our capability to plant whatever we want on our mind. to change things base on our mindset and the way we see them. in short, the power of mind and will.

heh heh. actually im kind of worried to get damam during exam, its kind of panas outside these two days.. and blablabla skali karang sakit kpala, beingus.. macam ada jua rasa2 uncomfortable di lihir or kpala ani..... (but still good, for now, i can still run, can still gulik2 and whatever :p)

SO minum aing banyak2 and a lot of vitamin c. go to sharif, sc, metro and buy a lot of oranges.

pre-holiday

why are there so many pretty pictures of pretty places on facebook lately? :(

i wanna go holiday already!



(no worries, thats only the weak parts of me saying)

obses ni

(eh.. obses kali bini2 ani?) haha


nah nah patchi flowers ku~



close up close up.. aren't they pretty?? :')

kesian pink and green nda brapa nampak. i want to keep fresh flowers in the room, change them when they turned brown. (angan2.... :p -or not- :p)

haha. i keep saying the same things (whats happening whats happening to me?:P) but but.. biar tia wah.... while i still care, while i still can feel good inside, while the flowers are not brown-ish-yet.. while i still have some 'free' time.. while i still think flowers can make me happy.. while i still enjoy the beauty of flowers.. while i still can..


&&&


good luck.. Bittaufiq wannajah wassa'adah, inshaAllah!! (in exams, in everything you do)

flowers patchi (where nothingness can be happiness)

happy!! pasal got my patchi and flowers.. bnar.. happyku yg happy. haha.

(padahalnya bunga bekarih2 bali sendiri jua nganya. bpaluh2 ku mbali. bukan jua bunga yang dari lakilaki hensem kayangan) :p

see.. happiness is simple. even 'nothing-ness' can make me happy. its like.. simple things give huge impacts when hit at the right place. :)

and patchi, si housemate ku ani went out fr her exam battle kan.. then i saw her on fb, meaning ia abis sudah exam.. but nda jua balik2nya ke rumah.. then i was wondering where was she? target2 and calculating and somehow seconds before i called her, i remembered she wanted to bali mangga arah sc. then.. thats where it met the story of my patchi. timakasih jil :p (ndaku mengumpat. aku mbgitau ia ni:p)

i was sure i was getting my patchi. it was indeed mengacau keamanan utakku sudah. (saying and saying to myself: bila baik mbali ah? am i even going to buy it?). but since i was getting it already, then the flowers came to dominate my mind.. then i said "why not get both of them?" then thats where it met the story of my colourful and fresh flowers.

after bpaluh mbali bunga (HAHA:P), i saw pajil waiting fr our apartment punya elevator.. and thats where patchi met flowers.

and therefore... I AM HAPPY. fr getting what i want. fr getting what i thought would make me happy.

you two are no longer mngacau otak akoo now. instead, turn out to make me happy.

haha . i know, its like buang tebiat. call me whatever~ but i am happy~ at least fr now~

:)

patchi flowers

running out of PATCHI. patchiato~ huaha.

mngapa tia nyaman cuklit patchi-nya ani nyaman yg luar biasa sdikit :p jauh bh sc atu. jauh tia time2 exam ani. but yeah, lets see... if there's a will. if the will is strong enough, i'll find my way to sc or just any patchi in the world. labeeyhh ni labih :p

i am in the mood of (patchi :P) and and and of having a bouquet of beautiful scented fresh flowers in my room. macam you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is those colourful flowers. and all you can smell is the fresh-flowers-smell. hence, your spirit kna boost up.

walaupun layu tia sehari dua.....

inda kan? jangan tah~~ :p

lets see... if its an imagination with implementation or imagination just imagination. if there's a will.......

:)

summer 2010

"as a human resource department, we look for someone who is not only active but proactive. there is a big difference between active and proactive"

"active people solve problems that exist at the moment. and plan for only the moment. they take good actions but only for the existing scenarios. while proactive are creative and active people, who think of future problems that might occur and find the possible solutions. they create scenarios that might happen and plans fr the future. they visualise future and also take actions for the moment"

"so.. there are only 30% of those great people and 70% ordinary people"


the first few lines that my HR teacher said during the very first class. i remember, because i tried my best paying my full attention during the two first classes. and then.... i got bored.. and.. tired.. and away. haha. to the point where the teacher had to pakai skill umban gula2.. heehee

it was a good class, where it forced me to be 'creative' and got to learn new things.

i miss my last summer. and i miss this,



almost one year ago.. the almost forgotten 'skills'. ahaha. never thought i'd ever learn music...

(at the beginning, i had doubts about learning and playing music, (in islamic perspective) esp strings instruments, then we referred to some books and people.. and those are all that i know for now, WALLAHUA'LAM. but weigh all the reasons, how-where you play and etc. WALLAHUA'LAM) -if you stumble on this post, dont dont dont you ever quote me before checking other references and dont do your music without really understanding those perspectives and without reference. please-

oh i miss this. i miss those 'difficult-masem-manis-equally fun-days'. went to the music school where it felt like hari pertama masuk sekolah~ and it was hard for knowing nothing basic about what you're doing and classmates-of-strangers, went to gym-for girls (i learned yoga. no kidding, yoga!! haha. and some dancing. FUN and i felt like out of place. haha. klw kn dpkir2kan, inda plgku mau lagi :p), went to HR class-valuable experience :), went to summer talaqqi also. went to malls, to dolphins (i think i always made mistakes referring dolphin ani as penguin. bukan plgku nda kenal penguin. just... just:p), checked into a hotel.. and.. basically.. at times stressful yet siok!!

i dont know how im going to spend my next summer break. no plans. but looks like its gonna be a light summer. i hope its gonna be fun! no, i hope i will find myself having fun in whatever i am and will be doing! :) i want it to be a great summer!

nasr day

so... went rehlah around 'nasr' yesterday.

eksenku :p went out as early as 9am, back home as early as 10pm. ke sabik, genena, hussin, sc, hussin, sc again. atupun eksenku :p 'husin' here.. is.. khan el-khalili di dalam sc. wa-ha-ha-haa....

totally eat-out day. from bfast to lunch to high tea? to dinner. woo manis eh. ahah.

i think, kungfu panda 2 is so over-rated. bukan plg nda siuk, caaali and siuk jua.. but nda sesiuk yg kna rate arah facebook and all cakap2 urg. cali but didnt make me happy. cali but i wasnt excited. cali but not all the time. i enjoyed kungfu panda 1 better. and i enjoyed RIO much much much more. hehe. but im not saying kungfu panda 2 nda siuk tu ah. siuk tpi gugur jauh dari expectationku- expectations that somehow built up from reading all comments urg dari fb sgala. same case tu with tangled. tpi aku nda kesiukan tangled. syhhhh... :p

oh. im.. a shower-gel freak now.. nda freak.. but.. i have 4 different shower gels now.. i was excited with my first different harum shower gel (the last time i talked about) because it was the first time i actually changed what im using (in cairo. di brunei tukar2 eh). so now, its like im addicted and bought different different types and odour. haha. jan sja ku kukut-kukut karang. anyways. good that i am aware of that, so.. i can try not to repeat this 'new-habit-of-collecting-shower-gels' haha. mcm kurang sopan santun budi bahasa sjaaa perangai atu? biar tia bh. for now. nyehehe :p

okay. so, what to do today? :p

right, mengafal bh, but i cant seem to do it good when its still not 'last-minute'.. but.. i'l try. ceewah. hehe (im not saying my last minute is good but at least i have the will power tia yg boost up. heehee)

dogko&pil team

si dokgo jin sweeeet and caaaaliii. and i like the doctor yoon pil ju also. im addicted to this drama. korean. the greatest love. haha

i like both guys. but ofcourse i like dokgo more. but i like both, in the way that.. aku kesian jua the doctor and aku excited when the girl with both of them. although more excited when she's with dokgo. hehe.

maybe im in the right mood to watch this drama. caaaaliii. and sweet lah. haha.

korean drama that i like most is fullhouse!! the unbeaten fullhouse. hehe

you know, its been too many times ive heard this "you actually watch korean dramas? you??" and nowadays i'll just laugh to that instead of asking "why, dont i look like someone who watches korean dramas?" hmm. and i heard answers like.. naa, you look like the type to watch english movies, series.. and.. ans like you dont seem to have feelings enough? haha. do i look that cold? :ppp

no, i dont mind, really. what to mind anyway, its just about screen entertainment and about me... being a feeling-ful or feeling-less person :p as long as you dont see me as heartless ;p (what?? you see me that way? :p)

anyways. its just, sometimes.. i would question 'what impression have i been carrying all around that makes people think whatever the way people think about me' sometimes i feel like i know. sometimes i dont. sometimes it feels like it matters, and other times it doesnt. people see us in many ways, im aware of that and i embrace that. some in the ways we think are right, some we think are wrong.. some ways hurt us, some ways flatter us.. but whatever ways.. i guess, be just the way you are.. because the world stops and stares for a while when you smile right? haha :p

(changes are good though, when we need to change...) right.

part 4- can i sleep now?

padih mataku. i should be sleeping ni.. but i just cant.. ndamau.. the type of tiredness that makes it hard fr you to sleep..

it was just a tea!! a tea with at least 50mg less in caffeine than coffee. i had my tea at around 2am, while planning to sleep at 4am. i didnt know the effect on me would be this way. i know i have a low tolerance for caffeine, but didnt expect it to be this low. and i dont drink coffee during exam time. morning can.. but best to avoid. underestimated tihi tah ku tu. haih earlier today and until now, i feel weak. energy-less. and no matter how left behind i am from time-nda sampat mengafal abis kah kiranya.. i always give myself a sleep. a minimum of 3hrs and a maximum of whatever i like. i dont believe in not sleeping-at all before exam day. huhuhu. *oh yes, im totally blaming the tea. totally blaming the little little caffeine. indaku kira. put aside other factors, if there is any. huahua ;p

all in all, alhamdulillah. done with the oral. mudahan th bisai markah kmi smua subject. amin. and the written one jua nanti. amin amin ya Allah

:)

oh sleep please. i dont wanna end up throwing up from migraine.

part 3

after having a series of oral (baru jua 3 subject tapinya..), finally i have today to at least spend my time not so cramping-ly.. ahah..

the next and final oral is a 3 days gap.. 3 precious days!! i can sleep a good sleep (slept for 12 hrs last nite!! hahaha puas atiku. atupun mcm alum cukup), i can watch movie or dramas and i can do my laundry. yehyehyeh

im so tired.

hello brother!

while struggling with my books last night.. i suddenly remember my brother.. and i miss him.. aah you know that, brain activities during exam is.. at its best? haha. all those memories come back, all those home-sickness, all those blues, and other feelings and things.. andangnya, macam2 tia. haha

anyway, back to the topic. i miss my brother. i have four brothers actually, but i missed the youngest big brother one.

there were times when he was the closest to me. i specifically missed those times when he was still single- not married and free-man-no-job. haha. and i was in my early teen ages.

i miss the times when he'd wake me up every sunday mornings, intruding my room, kicking me at the leg.. "wake up wake up. its dragon ball time. lets watch it together"

i miss the times when he'd ask me to go pick fruits from our many pokok buah buah with him.. and i would agree if only he would carry and push me on the wheel-barrow.. i would laugh all along the way.. we would eat the fruits under the trees and throw the unwanted parts on each other.. there was a lot of fun, a lot of laughters..

and for all i remember, at one point.. at one point of the hard times.. these kinds of moments were enough.. enough for a kid.. a kid who would just forget all that hurt.. all that could hurt..

i miss the times when we would fight for 'harvest moon' playstation game.. ridiculous right? haha. i thought he was even ridiculous during those times.. in my mind he was a grown up man (although when reaching the age of 19, of 20.. i didnt feel like a grown up myself).. but still, he was a man!! and a man dont play harvest moon. haha. i was upset but later excited, fighting and playing harvest moon together.. i named the character, he named the horse, the farm, the dog and he would do the farming and find the magics. i would tell him which girl character of the game to flirt with and make her the wife... he wouldnt even give me much chance to play on my own. kesian aku, i was a hostelite, u know.. got to touch playstation only in the weekend.. so, everytime he got a phone call from his girlfriend-now wife-, i would be so glad and happy to take over harvest moon.. then, i would leave home for hostel and school.. he would play all he wanted.. he did make the lead character married the girl i chose though :) and he played very well, i could never do nearly that good. and i was actually happy. happy that time, happy now with the memories.

when a school holiday term finished- the two weeks holiday or so.. he would always tease me that i would miss him.. and i would hide my teary eyes.. hoo yeah brother, why wouldnt i miss you?

and i remember one time.. it was a raining afternoon.. i was sleeping on the couch in the living room.. such a good weather for a good sleep.. and suddenly, he woke me up saying and saying "you got a phone call. wake up wake up".. as sleepy i was, my reflexes responded automatically.. i went for the phone.. picked it up "hello.. hello.." and all i heard was.. "tit.. tit.." oh man, i was fooled. haha. just like what i did to him many times. except that he took the revenge when i was sleeping! i was sleeping so deeply. i was mad, very mad at that time. but i went back to sleep. he laughed all his heart and apologised many times... you know brother, i would always forgive you.. :')

and then.. as we grew much older, he had to go for his life.. he started his career.. went out and far for a long long time.. we barely saw each other.. we talked less and less.. we barely even spent time together anymore.. its just, the time and commitment and circumstances did us apart.. i understand all that, because i already knew.. one way or another.. we will have our own ways someday.. and things wouldnt be the way they were.. it was sad, but it had to happen.. and i completely understand..

then he got married.. we became more apart then.. when he got back from the far and long long work.. he had to spend most of his times with his wife.. it was sad, but i knew things would change.. ive always known that life would be that way..

he got two sons now :) and we still barely saw each other.. not even once a year face to face these times.. because u see, when i got back home, he would be the one away.. and otherwise.. for all these years that im here.. only one summer holiday did i meet him.. kesian ah?

but i know, just like how i remember the way we were.. just like how he was in my mind.. and for who he will always be in my heart.. in my mind.. i know that he thinks of me the same way i picture him.. and i know how he, like the rest of them find it hard to believe that i am already a grown up now.. for all they remember is, i am their little kid.. :) **not fair not fair!! im not a kid anymore. haha :p tpi bnar wh.. mcm anak buahku, it took me time to adjust with them getting older and older..

oh well.

but.. forgive me, im not trying to give people the impression that i favour him more than the others. i have my moments also with the others. moments i treasure.. :)

part 2- oral week

going thru oral marathon this week.. although, the good thing is.. nada double subject in one day this year.. (actually, double subjects are quite good, pasal i didnt have a choice but to do it anyway.. so.. capat tia abisnya dugaan oral.. hehe)

next oral Al-Quraan - just got the schedule yesterday. and... im quite okay with that. jangan eh kna bagitau baru kmarin, then arini ada oral.. skali oral Quraannya esuk.. thats what i call tadaa tadaa surprise. haha

hmm. after all these years, oral still feel the same.. you will worry, people will ask from those who already done with the oral.. and its still the same tiring days- having to find the exam room and then wait. especially tiring to go through the ocean of people.. the unbelievably crowded suffocating hallway.. huh. and youre hungry and you didnt have enough sleep and you have doubts and worries.. those factors usually make me attempt suicide - by going into the exam room voluntarily, ignoring other factors; am i ready? am i not? am i scared? am i not? forgetting the worries for those pages that i didnt memorise...

today was suicidal also. the very first candidate. im not satisfied with my performance though. haha. give me give me good marks please ya dukturah. mudahan tah markahku bisai. amin amin ya Allah.. plus, feeling this way means i'll have to remember to-try-to-ace my written papers. give me good marks.... amin.

right, method 001 : let go, let go.. and pray to Allah. tawakkal. :)

and my immune system, please be good to me.. dont get angry when i didnt give you enough good sleep.. just.. hold on okay? hihi

oral exam week

woohhh kalat mataku man~ and its only 1230am now. huhu. (i usually sleep at 4am lately)

yatah nah, i wasted 4hrs watching korean drama tah pulang tadi, then had a-not-so-deep but okay sleep for 3 hrs. equals to 7hrs. equals to possibly one book for oral.

next oral, dua buku. i pray, i hope, i wish soalannya yg sanang2 and simple and zahir yg luar2 and kami pun sanang menjawab. amin amin ya Allah.

im actually a little worried about oral Al-Quraan, balum ada jadualnya :s i hope date oralnya atu inda taadaa~ tadaa~ surprise~. haha. but if its a pleasant surprise, it will be fine ;p awu eh, mudahan tah okay tarikh oral Al-Quraan atu, amin.


fa iza 'azamta fatawakkal 'ALALLAH, INALLAHA yuhibbul mutawakkilin... :)

Birthday!! :)

this is a big big big drawing ;D and... this is my favourite corner of my room. na, maybe its more likely to be a fav sight? point is one of my favourites. hehe. other favourites are BED and the series of comforter after comforter and winnie the pooh and bantal my name and rak buku ku (somehow;p) and other small small things.



tadaaa~ i'd like to tell u that this is actually big, if u dare think its "damit jua nganya tu~" :p covered more than half of this wall.. ;D


one of the best birthday gifts ever ;p and the best birthday surprise (my 21st birthday). pasal aku tekajut. my guard was down, completely. i didnt see it coming (because they did double surprise. but still, should have seen that.. haha) well, i was genuinely surprised and... touched. :p this drawing is... done because it represents one of my wishes.. but this was worth more than what i wished for ;') and i really really appreciate this.. and the effort and all that are there in this one drawing.. :)

thank you.. :')

(its not easy to be genuinely surprise on birthday surprises, im telling you. haha. and somehow i felt guilty too. kesian dorang wah bnrnya.. hehehe. but really, thank you.. a lot.. )

of course.. other gifts, surprises, greetings, ingatan tulus ikhlas and others are much appreciated too!


and today.. 2nd June 2011, Misr time.. and 3rd June 2011 Brunei time, i would like to say... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISAH NABILAH TEO (2june) && SALWANA IBRAHIM (3june).

semoga mendapat hidup yang berkat, dipermudahkan Allah segala urusan dunia dan akhirat, berjaya fid daraini. mudahan jua slalu2 happy, panjang umur, murah rezeki, sihat, mendapat jodoh yg baik && najah bil-Imtiyaz fil-imtihan. amin2 ya Allah

Ya Allah.. berilah kami kebaikan di dunia dan kebaikan di akhirat.. dan peliharalah kami dari siksa neraka.. amin ya Rabbal alamin..

breathe

...although some of us may say "im not stressed", stress isn't always on the surface. (heavy head can be caused by anxiety/depression)

other symptoms include: changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, chronic fatigue and exhaustion, headaches, chest pain.. etc etc klw anxiety alone, includes, stomachaches and heart palpitations.

symptom depression jua: hard to focus and concentrate.

but heavy head can also be caused by migraine or staring at computer for a long time.

so... where do i fall? haha

ive been feeling this slight heavy head, not really aching though - like the type of heavy head that you feel after crying but i didnt cry.. or or the kind of heavy head that makes you want to sleep.. or the heavy head caused by bangun mengajut dari tidur.. its been 2-3 days. since the day i said i suffered from kemaruk tidur. but then, however, i didnt get good sleep yesterday and today. (thinking while sleeping kind of thing)

well.... then, its maybe because im stressed without really realising it or because im denying? i mean, its not likely im supposed to be stressed yet. ( aah blame one of my typical parts of responding to workload warnings kali, the not-so-g00d parts - saying and saying i'll be okay, i can handle when in fact im already pressured. i think?) *but besides this, i have my good parts also okay? :p*

and then, this makes me tired. and.. i cant really focus. both brain and eyes, and heart! (this part is hard to handle ni). and.. i would nap.. and.. i feel like the time is moving so fast... and... help me. haha

it would be calming, to be able to sleep many many hrs during exam month and feel like nothing to worry-although there are actually many worries..- inda jua barat kepala. i mean truly feeling like nothing to worry. not the pretending part. haha

okay. breathe.......

June

zzzzzzzzzzzz


June, 1st, 2011.


(June already?)