the first song

i cant just master it overnight right?

cant even be good in just a few weeks.. huu.. i was told, patience is the key. passion is the catalyst. beauty is the result :p

practices dont make great results.. good pratices make great results.. hmm? i guess, i'l have to learn to walk fr now.. and then, i'l still walk.. but gracefully this time :p

when i am good enough... let the first song, the first real song that i'll ever play be fr you :) ..i just hope you'd be there by that time :p

so.. on the other note, i am a bit upset on certain certain someone because of certain certain comment about myself.. well, this is abt my spontaneous presentation just now.. he said "ooh. u didnt talk about ur family, but u talked about ur village instead.u dont love them?" -- i replied to that "as a matter of fact, of course i do. its just because, my family is not related to what i said earlier.. but i believe my village does.." -- him "no, u didnt say u miss them. u said u miss ur village. it says something about u" -- me "i disagree with u" but.. of course he didnt listen.. maybe he is good and all that, u know.. but to me, he has little respect on what others have to say.. less appreciation.. not so good listeners (even if ure such superiors lah kiranya).. i mean.. have u never thought why i didnt mention my family during that presentation? oh-maybe-i-was-telling-the-truth... maybe u just have to nod and stay silent at my defensiveness when u attacked me.. because IT WAS MY PRESENTATION on ANY TOPIC.. plus u said u didnt care what i talked about, u just wanted to see HOW i presented them.. yes, maybe that tells u something about myself.. but.. did u have the right to comment further on that when i gave u one answer already? couldnt u see that i was -maybe-being-defensive?

havent u thought that maybe... its just hard fr me to talk about them? maybe it has some sensitivity to me? maybe i just couldnt talk about them to strangers.. to people i barely know.. maybe i am just not comfortable.. yea, u see.. i was telling the truth on my answer (the-not-so-related-thingy) and u were right too, that it tells something about me.. but.. whatever u see.. whatever u saw.. im telling u now, that u dont have the right to be rude to me, telling me that i dont love them? that i dont miss them? just because i didnt say doesnt mean i dont feel it! u dont even know me! and soorry fr being defensive.. sorry fr arguing.. ure just.. rude. i just think that we should have respects on other people's silence.

heh heh. now, thats kind of personal :p

dear summer 2010

pengakuan berani:

i think... im starting to like this summer here :)

i realised feeling this way since days ago, since this week i think.. but.. it wasnt strong enough to make me say it out loud kali. hehe.

the first week here was a struggle. u know it too, from reading my posts. i even cried.. because of anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, well.. basically pressure. i said... "i'l never do this again!!"

the second week was still bitter... still trying to get used to the routine and the unbelievable tiredness... and i survived.. i began to feel the rhythm and i simply felt a lot lot lot better... getting better and maybe happier each day.. (despite feeling so drained out of energy)

third week, which is this week.. (aku itung dari awal july).. i am actually enjoying the summer.. emm.. i think so. maybe. its just.. it hit me.. nda lagi lama ku balik and this summer has been priceless so far, somehow..., thanks to the experience :) wlwpun mn dpacah2 nda jua byk antap experience ani.. but.. this is new to me and im liking it. im creating memories, something that will always remain different.. and.. personal.. memories i only share between two other friends.. memories that i only share between some people.. memories that i have within myself.. like they will draw some kind of line.. like they will always be... special.. :)

i realised some things too while im here. some things about me, about life, about others.. just.. things.. nothing too important, but im glad.. i may forget what i just realised or saw during these moments.. but now, i just wanna say that i am glad..

and it hit me, nda lagi batah balik but i havent learned enough.. i havent done enough.. i havent gained enough.. that makes me kind of sad too..

u know, so many times i believed the fact that we'll get used to something that actually feels different at the beginning? when people say "at first i couldnt imagine of getting thru those difficult times.. but now, i survived" -- "i couldnt imagine finishing my project but i did it" ..things like that.. and il say to myself "of course lh. thats how things work. thats how life tricks us. been there. i know that. we should have known that" and this time around, i didnt even tell that to myself, i didnt think i was gonna like even a little bit of the summer, no.. i dont even know what i was thinking.. all i had was the anger, disappointment, unhappiness, bitterness and pressure... it was one of the major down feelings i had.. (luan iski kali bh dlu atu kn spend summer sini, skali kekajutan.. pressure tarus:p)

not that i am saying that i know what i am gonna feel tomorrow about the summer, i dont even know if i will still like it tomorrow.. i just wanna say that i am happy now, that i like it now, and so were the past few days :) i just wanna say this while i am still feeling them... so that one day i'll remember saying these.. saying that i like this summer. that it makes me happy. that i think it is priceless. that i think the memories are special...

WELL, i hope, i pray that i will like this summer more. the days are going to be better. everything else will be simply great and i am going to be happier, in many many ways. amin ya Rabb


i know, it sounds cliche.. u hate something at the beginning but in the end, u love it. u will say how much u appreciate it bla bla bla.. just like the other few times i had been before.. except this time, i didnt see this coming.. didnt see myself liking this..


i am just... grateful, alhamdullilah :)

la la mi mi~~

hehehe. can say, i am happy today. happy darajat sdang2 :p

u know, there are moments in life that u feel happy, relieved, satisfied that u know u will remember that feeling fr a long long time or even fr ur whole life?

today, i felt that way. and i'd say that was because of "the power of compliments". haha. yes, how much compliments can lift u up? give u motivation? very much. compliments.. such simple things hit u at ur best parts. bring out the best in u... :) or at least bring out all the good feelings inside... (and hopefully they make u do all the good things)

and these compliments.. tho it was just fr a while that i felt them.. i felt like i wanted to smile forever and mngilai2 at that moment. and tell the whole world.. "u see u see i did it!! i CAN"

it makes me believe..... in myself.. in possibilities.. in all the good things..

compliments dont work alone in giving this kind of "feeling" i guess.. maybe success, acceptance, motivation, appreciation included in the package. hmmm. whatever, haha as long as u see my point?

there are moments that i remember feeling this way too, tpi darajat yg labih tnggi lah.. haha.. and i really really like this feeling :)

and? smangat th ku ni!! haha *ia kh jua, nda batah merungut ku lgi ni and i'l hate this again. i know :(* but, lets just frget that fr now.. all i know is.. all i want to remember is.. how today made me think, made me feel like "this is worth it".. one day, they will remember me being there, i will always remember me being there.. i will remember them.. i will remember this.. :')

homework homework practice practice

susahnya benda ini. how will i ever be good at this?

today.. i went to two places only.. compared to yesterday, went to 4 places (3 places, one was including makan :p)

yth kmarin atukan... aku "tekurung" dalam jamban restoran. huhu. from that moment on, i told myself: i will always bring my telipun kejamban!!! i mean it. haha. the problem was not on the lock but on the door handle itself. loose wh, and when it clicked, then nah tekurung, wont be able kan buka dari dalam... i didnt realise that awal2.. i just wished that i was more observant/careful.. but that was something that can be easily missed. hmm.

so, when i realised that i couldnt opened the door, the only good thing thats left on me was telling myself not to panic. kan beteriak... malas juaku... gagar2 sja pintu and i looked around to find things that might be useful pakai mbuka pintu. i wasnt lucky on that. besides, i am not that creative on things "tikus mbaiki labu" :p i was just hoping that people outside would realise or worry that it took me so long in the toilet.. dumdumdum.. batah jua udah.. no improvement.. then i decided to make noise on the attempt of melarak2 pintu.. and then... finally the waitress came to rescue :p baik jua ia tdgr.. i think, if no one came fr like half an hour, my last attempt would be screaming out loud~ haha

then this girl, she hugged me!! she said.. something like "oww poor thing, im sorry im sorry". aku tu kn marah, buruk udah muaku *mua marah lh* but when she hugged me like that, kan mnangis th plg ku jua!! haha. but i didnt cry plg. hehe. she said ia pun tkurung tu dlu and she screamed like crazyyy, (hehe antam, catulh kira2nya:p).. yth nah, cua th baiki pintu kmu atu.. bagi warning kh.. ani.. bnr th.. and next time please bring ur mobile phone with u to avoid "panic attack" haha

hmmm. what else do i wanna say? aah, sakit eh abdomen ku ani.. sgala parut pinggang tulang bidai2.. smuanya sakit. hahha. went to this yoga class yesterday.. ahh yoga, u stretch bdan dari ujung batis melilit ke ujung kpala, something like that~ mun flexible antap nda jua sakit cmani kali... haha.. but it was a good class, siuk jua and relaxing. :)

and now, i am left with many many homeworks. cmana kn abis ni? rupanya byk homework ku ani, just realised it when i started doing "the research" on internet.

hoo what a week!

:)

big big world

its a big world. i have people-strangers-phobialism (malas th ku kn mncari termnya yg lurus. but u know what.. i will google the term soon anyway. haha). today was just... quite a long day, tho its not as long as my first week of "summer" here, i mean i just feel better and i begin to feel okay with this whole thing, with this new routine. not that i am totally okay-yet, just... (bh awu, the word better is just right! :p). i feel better. i dont feel that gloomy and angry and bla bla bla that much anymore :)

thanks, aku sdikit tjangkit smangat urg atu~ :p to make full use of this opportunity. alang2 stay, why dont benefit from it all? right...?

i still have these doubts on this new class i am taking.. 'why am i doing this?' - 'can i make it' but then... the first step i should take is to go away from that kind of thought. well, just do it! whatever! now, i can see more out of this thing.... i begin to see the little things.. like learning many more along the way.. seeing more of this world, life.. observing more is the least of all this.. this may be out of my comfort zone.. of course it is not comforting, having doubts, having fears.. ive always hated doing something new.. ("something new" according to my list:p)

this morning.. i went there.. truth be told.. i was scared, i felt alone, small, lost... i looked around, i saw only strangers.. the many people made me feel squeezed and helpless, breathless.. (overku mndescribe. but yea, something like that). like, imagine stranded in a place where u know nothing and ure not even sure why ure doing what ure doing.

but then, that left me with no choice but to go on. (no, i believe there is always a choice. i just chose to go on. BRAVO. hahaah i often hear this word lately. haha). so to say, today was a new experience. hmm. most of the days lately offered me new refreshing challenging experience lh. sikit2 challenging sja~ bulih lh, down juaku. haha

in short, hari ini.. rasanya... mcm... "hari pertama masuk sekolah".. well, a little bit. where u know nothing (awu bh know a few things thats enough to make u feel lost), where u have to "make friends" to know things more, etc2.. where a "friend" offers u a ride home, where "friends" offer their names, their helping hands, where people are being friendly, where they even offer u to hang out with them.. well, in that different kind of environment, situation, i guess.. i will want to remember this :)

ive always liked the way their eyes light up when we talk to them (or they talk to me-us), the way they smile.. all in such ways of good iski-ness.. that translates friendliness, excitement, helpfulness, sincerity.. i mean, when i feel like they mean it.. it helps me not to feel that lost.. helps me to feel more accepted.. and... safe? i dont know.. good feelings :)

but then, not all are like that. there will always be people who look at us differently, coldly, sinis.. aah yg jahat2 atu lh... jahat.. huu..

its a big world, people dont always see us the way we wanted to be seen!

hello world~

yea

im not crazy~ im just~ a little unwell~

muahaha. hmmmm. okay, whatever happens, happens. i dont wanna live wondering "what it would be like IF...", the worst would be... less than regrets... i hope. :)

yea.

wait and see and just go with the flow.

yea.

salamat

well.... its not all about me. its... never about me. i just.. dont know..

and i.. i surrender.. i.. feel defeated.. and.. i will stop.. just.. i want to end this all. i dont see the point. i never see the point... but.. aah u know, mind and heart dont always go together..

my posts.. lately.. they are kind of "dark". hahaha.

and this.. i wonder if im just saying.. or i mean it?

hee hee hee

testing (one)

okay, lets just spill whats on my mind. its kind of bothering me now. not all the time though. come and go.

everyday i picked up this thing. i tried doing the right one. or should i say, practice? but no, just.. getting the feel. trying which one is right..

but i actually end up disappointed and disturbed. question is, why do i let this bother me much? didnt i say this is just fr fun and im not gonna take it seriously? well... im surprised that i want a good result out of this, out of what i am doing. it's either one "perfectionist" attempt or i want it much.

so which one is it?

i know i want it, but i doubt adding the word "really". cos.. i just wanna hate this. its.. hard.. and (painful, u know?). disappointing me, really. discouraging me. aaah this is so frustrating.

know what i am talking about? yea, u will. i dont mean to be secretive or "coded"..

i just hope that i'll get through this. i will do good. and its going to be worth it. for whatever reasons.

well.... nothing is easy at first right?

i will survive. yea

tired!!!!

no. i believe, exhausted is the word. mood is getting better. me getting better, i think. (except, i am exhausted, that is no okay).

and... tell me again why am i doing this? this is kerrazzzy. haha. its like throwing myself into another different world. where i am the alien. and i need to work extra harder to be with others (human-sss i guess, in this context). i have to say... its... hard...

i cant believe i am doing this. it feels like my world is turned jussstt a little bit upside down.

hey you, i am a busy little girl. busy and exhausted.

i hope, we'll do good. no, right now, for now, hoping fr survival is good enough.

taaa taaa taaa.

fuuu

what is it with me.. that makes me this angry.. makes me easily annoyed.. i think i know.. its just.. how can it get into me this easily? this frequent? like its just in me.. like its just part of me..

......

when its even enough to know that youre there..

only knowing that youre there..

just.. that youre there..


**censored**

i feel terrible. if there's one thing that's left to make me feel like home now.. it's here.. this not-so-fancy-place..

though the thought of being alone might be scary.. the one thing that makes me feel at ease is.. this place that i can call home..

yea, i guess.. this is home too..

because.. i think.. i understand now.. what "feeling home" really means..

whatever it means. :)

..............

so...

i may be someone who prefer to ignore things, to let things pass easily, to bottle up things inside.. (yea, right, do that until one moment when i cant hold things anymore and explode)

but anyway, i do have my temper u know.. emm.. quite bad when one hits the right nerve.. even for unexpectedly simple small things..

especially rudeness. (the list goes on and on if u wanna know...)

bad bad temper. dont dare try me if u have never learned limits. when once i smile.. when once i nod.. when once i speak calmly.. when once i let go.. when once i smile.. when once i smile.. or even twice.. even when its hard for me to do that.. u should know that doesnt mean i am okay with what u say, with what u do... if only ure more sensitive on reading people.. i guess, that'll be good fr all of us. if only we take some moments to look around, to understand reactions, expressions, to understand people in general... i think, that will be great fr all of us.

just.. what we see might not be as what it seems...

frown frown frown

i was angry. Still am.. I think. But sure i feel awful. And it makes me sad. Makes me feel heavy inside. I really really hate this.

:(