maybe i didnt smile like i thought i meant it

for a brief moment.. i thought i saw it has colour..

that it was blinking..

i thought i was waiting..

or maybe considering..

and the question is..

is worth it? is it always worth it?

standing.. without even knowing how much longer these two feet can stand? or maybe it isnt about those feet or shoulders that hold..

maybe its the soul? or heart..? or.. brain?

and if there is forever.. how long.. how short.. forever is for each different person? how different it is?

yes like they say there is always more than just meets the eyes..

and how opposite poles always attracted.. and.. same poles repelled..

but are they? and if the rules are ever going to change.. will it hurts?

and i thought ive always seen hope.. certainly i will always.. with the little faith that lies between the fine line..

hope.. is for someone who hasnt really found light.. i was once told..

hopes.. could be crushing.. tearing.. heartbreaking.. or whatever it is that shatters the soul..

but.. but..

it could be the life... the reason to breathe..

so dont take it away.. i'd rather gamble..

you know.. the silence has treating me so badly.. or maybe has betrayed.. you.. me.. or them..

in the end, maybe its just the eyes that can tell the truth.. if.. if.. if.. u could ever look really really deep into them..

or.. maybe iim still running, like i always did.. no one has ever stopped me.. yet..

but as i move on.. just i realised i havent really tried.. but have you? have you? have us all tried? even when we say "God knows i tried.. but i failed"?

break the colours into single stain.. u will win..

u dont wanna read this

im warning you, this is about prison break. so if u have a low level of tolerance with annoyance, u may not proceed. if ure a big fan of PB, and havent watched until episode 16, season 4.. u dont wanna read this. hehe

im a self-claimed of "PB's fan", who doesnt even have a picture of them. a personal collection, maybe. who doesnt have ori dvds, didnt even download it myself.who knows nothing about PB. i didnt know that season 4 has 22 episodes smuanya. i have until 16 [trima kasih bykkkk2 yg mndownload. biskita th yg pling sporting =p]. and so, the remaining of 6 episodes will be there-will be countinued during SPRING. like... how? shownya arh tv starts spring lgi kh? meaning.. i have to wait a week fr each episode? thats long enough babe. haha. i just searched fr the info after i didnt see a good proper ending in ep 16. i demanded for season 5. and no S5.

maybe.. i want to change my mind. there is a strong love between scofield and sara. which just doesnt show in a normal way. theyve been thru a lot, things to do, to think of. so i dont think showing off love is their priority. sacrifices already measured the strength. but... still, they should at least have shown a clear flash of love in their eyes. on which i didnt or couldnt see much. sara ada la jua. ok, so this is just a film. i... shouldnt be bothered much. haa.

and.. bellick was dead. it was just ironic that i felt sad, touched for that. he was very mean and bari banci fr the last three seasons. but this very small heart he had shown once, ONCE.. that had cost him death, triggered my emotions. he sacrificed for the team. and yet, after all that he had done.. the team pn sedih jua. i mean, not that ironic.. it should be normal to have such emotions.. but still jua, i shouldnt feel that way fr someone jahat. hee majal. and the one thing that is very prior to them in PB is actually.. family.

eh, and i like this one too " this security system is designed by best minds in the world. and u almost beat it. now the frustration should be killing you" haha, actually scofield beated it and he gave back the words. i like the way PB is being sarcastic, and.. use indirect words.. the way it is full of questions and many more. heeh.

ive read once in kite runner, a good writer is one who can present irony in their arts, their writings. it is something that some writers reach in their entire careers and never attain. i think there are some irony in PB. that one i said above maybe doesnt really reach the meaning of irony. cos i dont really know how to weigh its meaning.

i didnt really expect kite runner is that damn good. u know, when i googled kite runner.. the results were impressive. the book has been brought to study. kna suruh analyze.. summarize.. buat essay.. and this particular uni jadikn this book as a ticket for entrance. emm.. nda jua lah. students yg apply and baru masuk kna suruh baca kite runner, analyze and will be asked and buat essay. cool. maybe its the literature in it. the very beautiful words, quotes, irony.. the way it is so heart breaking, riveting.. unexpected. the way khalid blend in characters into history. the way he presented his country, culture.. it was just.. an art.. almost perfect, bagiku. he was the first afghan to write novel in english. err.. i mean maybe yg worldwide lh. plus best selling. i cant imagine how hero he felt,feels to bring his country's culture, history and pain to the eyes of the world. what if someone can present brunei's proud heritage to the world? wow, to think of it this way, i know khalid must have been so damn proud.


bah abis tia. i woke up at 5am plus.. maybe 4 plus today. why?? why????? haha

winter collection

and sure i dont wanna miss this! lupaku mnaip tdi.

kmarin kami naik bas mulih skulah. bas. bas. bas buruk. sorry sakai. haha. 8 of us. since teksi jual mahal.. luan jua ke rabaah pn nda mau, skali took the bus. another sakai experience. haha. i mean, u dont get to ride just any bus. usually looks dangerous and sampit. buruk. since we only have to go straight within 400-600m, so why not? mcm siuk jua bh. siuk ktawa2. haha. we have to stand tho, and rsanya lagi guyang2 dari metro. haha. anyway atu sja. hee

winter collection

so.. exam is over. u know that. haha~ :D

kmu tau pkul brapa ni? 10 plus AM. pagi wh.. pagi.. aku bngun pagi! BANGUN. haha. yesterday i didnt sleep for like 30hrs. ampai2 arh katil ada plg.. still, i didnt sleep jua. oh, except fr 20mins kmarin ptg. skali ada ku dgr bunyi2ian siringku.. tbngun th ku. rupanya... atu.. aah.. kau! haha. baik jua ko bebunyi. mn nda, ttdur bnr th ku. laptop abis batt. zuhur miss. parut lpar. prisonB pn miss. haha. but.. slalunya, i love it klau ku TEtidur. siuk. but anyway, i slept fr less than 10 hrs tadi. andangnya tu eh, lpas exam.. show off hero tia mataku ah. haha.

i spent some of my first hours- after exam watching prisonB. i love prison break! i love them all. tpi kn.. bnarnya sma wh jua every season ani. the same base. of course breaking in-out something. and mission. i mean, the same mind.. betrayal.. loyalty.. killing.. sacrifices.. revenge.. love.. desire.. dream.. hope.. reasons.. and and life? i love sucre, scofield, mahone most. msani la. its sucre's loyalty, friendship and sacrifices that strike me. scofield's intelligence and charisma. mahone's way of thinking jua and the strength of his love- to wife, to son. please, alumku abis liat ni. so, jgn mati ah. not anyone of them. mcam... lain usulnya dah. haha. ive watched half of the season already. and... si sara sma scofield atu, bagiku nda in love brabis bh. i mean, that didnt really show. i dont see love in scofield's eyes. and maybe sara's. i dont think i do. scofield atu pn mcm cold. andang plg characternya catu. but yeah, i dont really see love. i mean, im being jugmental. haah. sukati aku ah~ "if u see this note, then u'l know i died revenging for sara"- eh heroes dont die. but but.. ndaku tau ah..

officially, my holiday starts today. i dont have any solid plan for this week. maybe, these ten days. so, il go whereever u want me to go~ haha. except, i have to do my laundry? and working hard to get this particular winter collection. working hard without having to invest much effort. apanah winter collection ku? yg lahir dari mata~ haha. bcali ko lai~ awu bh, kn tidurku puas2. hihih

those yg trabang udh ke sbalah, have a great bumbastic FUN girls!

skali lgi eh.. its holiday! yea~ lets go tu hurghada && turkey! =)

& the rest, still.. bittaufiq wannajah. rock ur last papers. make more colours~ smangat2! hehe

you and your stupid charm

seriously, i said to myself: i dont wanna blog until exam is over. tpi tapi.. yay yay yay. haha. its in two days time baby! more than 48hrs tho.. less than 60. yes yes. gagas th ku plg nh.

aku pernah~ mnjadi spiderman~

i remember being a spiderman. experiencing spiderman once, during abseiling (u might know, but just for reference, its the outdoor-quite extreme activity of: turun bukit/batu/cliff pkai tali.)

i wanted to be the second last or last one to perform. psal aku prasan knpiden msatu. sma mlas brabut. boo-ho-hoo. haha. skali skali, when i was on the top of the cliff, i became so nervous. i couldnt think straight. i think ive lost my logic and sense at that time. all i did was, depending on other people. and instructor. ndaku bpkir sndiri. i listened to every word they said. where to put my legs, when to lower my body.. etc2.

then when they said "turunkn bdanmu sikit.." skali ku turunkn byk ta jua! and.....................i lost my balance! thats when i became si spiderman~:

my whole body went straight and upright. tapinya.. tapi.. tbalik ku wah tbalik! kpalaku dbwah, kakiku di atas!! && hanging!
ooh~ i could have seen the ground directly.. klau cliff atu buntak~ baik jua ku nda swing eh.

thankfully, they saved me. they said "its ok its ok. jgn panik. naikkn sja bdanmu" . ndaku ingat cna ku naikkn bdan and kpalaku smula. but i did it somehow. haha.

and yet, im grateful to have experienced 'spiderman'. haha. bila th jua lgi ku ada chance kn mnabalikkan kpala di bwah and batis di atas. hanging! gantung2!

i dont know if u understand my story ani. anyhow anyhow, biar tia ku siuk sndiri bcrita. haha.

actually there are a lot that i remember lately. been thinking of so mny things jua. i guess, exam makes my brain to progress very well kali [uhh well? by angan2? haha]. okay, well and active and brilliant. haha. tpi bnar, active wh utak time exam. of course, im stating an obvious =p

even when they say no... that doesnt prove that ure wrong.. and that theyre right..

when im with you, im free.. im careless..

one of the best things in life is to have someone who has faith in you. sometimes even more than u think u do have in urself. and even we ourselves, have faith in someone else kan... and those everyone who would just simply say "haha. dont be fool. i know u can do it". sometimes.. that what makes our steps even further, larger and easier.

&&& aku mau aiskrim. (tdi nda mbali~). aku mau aiskrim cone. and aku mau aiskrim jagung. corn. corn. corn. last year, one arab guy told me "u will never find ice cream with corn flavour in egypt". why? make one! ada jua corn sni. esen kali. tpi... mcm bnar. mnadaku pnah nmpak bjual.

awww. this is long. and boring. everything is just boring. *i hate this post. so aku delete la.. 80 percent has been deleted, puas th atiku tu? haha*

when you are with me.. im free... im careless.. i believe.. above all the others.. we'll fly...

may-gie-mu

err.. i feel like posting something. so.. its okay, dont kill the mood. hehe

you know, our habit.. of calling things after a brand. macam tani pnggil ubat gigi as colgate? and some other things. well, that just shows how dominant and famous the product or brand is.. im just going to list some other examples (seriously, loser tah jua bnar, mcm nada kn dbuat sja aku ani~) ;

1.colgate : ubat gigi. we refer smua ubat gigi as colgate. most people. most of the time. tmasuk aku. "kan mbali colgate ku eh" tapi mutik darlie. so anyway, colgate is not only just a product of toothpaste. ada nama uni, nama tmpat. [boh ada jua msaku menGoogle tu. haha. just out of interest bh ;p] but lets go for colgate as a toothpaste : An advertising campaign for Colgate toothpaste from the 1940s used the slogan "It cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth". From the 1960s onwards, the slogan was "The Colgate ring of confidence"
see, colgate is very old. sbab atu ia pames. smua ubat gigi equals to colgate. slalunya. slalu lah.

2.omo : serbuk pencuci baju. detergent. it is a product jua. malasku mncari ni.

3. glo: pencuci pinggan mangkuk. antah, aku kali sja yg manggil pncuci pinggan mngkuk ani glo? dulu lah. ani nda lagi. psal msaku damit2 drumah kmi slalu ada glo. wlwpun th axion atu mcm pames, nda jua ku mnggil axion bh. hehe

4.modess: err.. product sanitary gadisss

5.maggi: smua yg bpacket... beunsur mee... yg siap dimasak 2 minit... dpanggil maggi. part ani, my sis is so sensitive about it. klau ku ckap "kn masak megi ku eh" and it turns out aku masak MAMEE, mind u.. mamee.. its only mamee.. kna pot pet th ku. i mean, im not that bad.. lagi th yg ckap indo mee as MEGI goreng? haha. no offense. thats the truth. well, aku pnggil maggi utk instant noodles yg blaing sja. but then, i still call pop me as pop me jua~

6.gayung: it is not bahasa brunei! it is originated from a product of washing machine, called "gayoung" a join venture of a japanese and british company. a long long time ago. in fact, one of the first washing machine products kali.

bah eh, atu sja example ku. should be a lot more kn?

and i know that u know that i lied for number six. haha. apala aku.. gayungmu la.. [i mean, if you believe me.. or even wanted to believe me.. like a tiny whisper of 'aah..' then, i deserve credits. haha. or even a treat =p]


lets just see nanti if roti (any roti yg biasa2) would ever be referred as tiger or chipsmore.. if pen would be referred as stabilo or faber castle.. if laptop would ever be referred as asus. haha

tapi.. i notice some people panggil epal for any buah yg swaktu dgn ia.. like, pear, oren, lai.. then, manisan for all syrups.. or milo for all minuman panas.. and cucur pisang for all cucur.. [ani eksenku lagi ni part cucur ni. hih-hih]

what else?

and im pretty much wasting my time now. haha.

anyway for all yg exam, the best of luck. bittaufiq wannajah. mudahan tani smua najah cemerlang. amin.

bah, ani bnar ni.. tidurku. siang udh oii~

morning sickness. HAH

its 4am plus. and ive just finished reading kinsella's, about an hour ago. i was spending my hours-precious hours reading novel! wah. kalau ku taip "and ive just finished revising-memorizing qadaya" kan asikk?? haha. im moving very slow. i thought il pick up my pace but nooo.. im picking up the novel. yeye.

it is indeed addictive. the novel, remember me? is siuukk.. im saying it without hesitation. s.i.u.k.. hehe (anyway, its ur fault amal m, i bought the book =p). i bought the book masatu udh, but i didnt have any intention to read it yet, not before the exam. i even hurried myself reading becky's secret dreamworld so just 'i wont read it during exams'.. dudui.. i picked up remember me and thought 'il just read some pages. it wont kill. nda jua mbari kn mbaca lgi tu' and fine. i did leave the book alone for 2, 3 days after reading a few pages. then i continued reading again, and taaddaaa there i was, choosing the novel over qadaya, brilliant choice girl! hihi..

the thrill of curiosity or wanting to read is almost the same like the one i had for prison break and other series- awaiting unwatched series in hard disc, during exams, in sem two. atau dalam bahasa kurang lembutnya nafsu hasutan semasa peperiksaan. where is the will and mind power i was talking about? i guess i have none. hahaha. [awu ah, i have la.. of course, everyone has =)]

im getting it clearer, sophie kinsella's trademark or style of plotting her story. her type. and her way of writing. bits la. apa jua, i only read three of hers so far. ssoo anyway, it hits me that her story is usually the type of a girl having trouble, kind of.. (close to being a loser-but-not),who seems not to care anything... and in the end sort everything out. and case solved. a lot of life and self aspect can be learned tho. everytime i read her piece, i can imagine it made into movie. i can imagine every plot. most places. most main characters. clearly. and i laugh labang2 jua most of the time. asta, cali bah. haha. please please buat movie eh this novel, remember me? ah. oh no, aku over.

never mind i wasted my time (tho deep deep inside, i already regretted it sdikit) but its okay kan, im having a little treat for myself. daripadanya ku nda concentrate ngafal, gatal atikn benda lain. kan? kan? =p

im off to bed- or scanning thru qadaya.

inhale inhale exhale

"the choice that she makes defines who she is. she just could simply stop and give it up. despite the difficulties, she continued running"

"to you, well done"

il always remember that. i am disappointed to have forgotten so many other words and lessons.

i never liked running. never been any good at it. its just a piece of complete torture to myself, my brain, my breath, my body. at its negative side. huuu.. why would i see an opportunity as a difficulty? instead, i am suppose to see opportunity in every difficulties. kalau belari sihat, kalau belari fit. kalau belari kuat. kalau laju belari cool. kalau kana bubut kuyuk, sanang escape! in running (literally running ah), i have nothing to lose. a way too cool when i can beat my mind setting. if i challenge my expected limit.

somehow.. as i always said.. there is satisfaction that i find in running...

if i say, i can be the country's athlete- in a 100 metre running, speed is within 10-15 secs pcaya kamu?? if i say, i can do the standard six tracks less than 10 mins pcaya kamu?? HAHAHA. barigali. but u better do.. cos i do. we better have that little faith in us. always. -provided with many IFs. (if) i have a good trainer, (if) i have a constant and excellent training. and yg penting (if) i have a concentrated will and mind power. mun ku nda mau pyah sja... mn nda mau usaha jua.. and mun aku nda pcaya aku dpat buat pun nda jua guna.. [masa ani balum plgku behajat.. belum saya berkeinginan eh. haha]

sooo... we have to really want that something and believe that we will have it. do it in any way we can. its all in the mind. then, things will go right and easier. insyaAllah.

somehow jua.. i believe when we really want something, really want it.. we will get it.. sebab.. secara automatisnya.. we will work for it. real smart and hard. we will use everything thats inside us. blink blink and things just turn out well. [kcuali kalau benda atu andangnya bukan djadikn untuk kitani... eseh]

just.. dont over-think of any something&something .. it ruins in some ways.. relax~ take it easy~ for there is nothing we cant do~

*i love hot shower. i just wish i could stand under it for many many hours. rasanya ia th antara bnda paling ku suka time winter ani. hehe. note: i dont use heater at my room. bukan ku nda ksjukan.. sajukkk.. but aku nda suka pkai heater.. knapa ya kh.. plus.. krg barat tia karanku. aku ada satu source sja di bilik ani. ngehehe.*


noo.. i cant believe im posting something NOW. i wanted to write something plg.. tapi, it turns out to be... this one? and now? blink blink and suddenly im in front of my laptop. mengatik2. baik plgku tidur kali?

over one sea?

"really?? tak bilang awal2... ok la.. sorry bro"

that was early today. ops they did it again. it started early 2008 i think.. someone added my msn.. [sbenarnya msa atu quite a number of people added me, tpi hairan jua sdikit.. theyre not from brunei] skali.. ada this particular someone tagur one day and said "han.. do u still have that picture?" HEH HEH.. picture apa tu ah, curious.. aku pun layan sja "what picture?" [i bet this someone was just playing an old trick] ..ia ckap "that picture u gave to *si antah and antah ndaku ingat" picture apakn.. picture apa.. HEH HEH

aku- "which one?"
ia- "that picture of *something specific term*"; ndaku ingat jua, tpi related to chemical engineering la...
aku- "oh no, i dont have it"
ia- "u dont have it? it cant be. u just gave them. try search it in ur computer. i need the picture"

ai.. mcm bnar sja ia ani. so... "actually.. i think u got the wrong person... sorry, im not 'HAN'"

skali bla bla bla... chat th kmi. ia kata ia fkir aku si han. si han ani nya kwannya. awang male. wah male?? haha. nya bnarrrr... si han mbagi email ani. email si han ***** (mentioning email address ku )...bnarrr. ucapnya ku lagi blakun. asta... bh bnar th, si han mbagi email ani nh. btw this someone is a guy, non malay. tpi study di singapore.

so... biar tia. mlas th ku ingau apa yg bnarnya. whether or not the guy was telling the truth. and whether or not si han ani mbagi emailku arh this guy and simply mengakun atu emailnya. [ihh pyah juaku bcrita ehh]

weeks later.. someone else added me.. "han.., bla bla bla" ndaku ingat. tpi something conversational. seemed so sure aku ani si han. la.. si han lagi??? interested th ku. we chatted. this time, its a girl. we really did have a quite long conversation. samseng yoo ia ani. tdi yg guy atu look like someone good in academic. this time, anak ani gauukk.. eh byk jua geng si han ani. sapakn han ani?? i asked the girl. so dap-dip-dup.. "oh.. ya.. now i remember han's email. its not @hotmail" ohhhhh.. ia punya email exactly sama mcm emailku. exactly. kcuali... basenya nda sma. i mean aku hotmail, he is using lain. patutlah rmai urg singapore add aku. i did chat with them. a few of them. [nda plg smpai spuluh urg yg add aku ani].. but this time, baru th ku faham.. confusion resolved! han is a singaporean. the same age with me.

a few months later [nda batah lpasku mulih dari singapore lagi tu].. si tuan empunya email add aku. wah.. glad to know him. its nice to know someone else having the same email address with me. macam... siok. cali jua. kambang jua, ada jua urg yg kn buat address mcm address ku atu kh? wohoho. i did ask him why he chose to have that email address. okay, i like the answer jua lh. haha.

us-opposite sex-same age-different countries-same religion-same mother language-same bangsa. what a small world anyway...

andangnya jua emailku ani nda lawa. ada yg pkir aku samseng la.. laki2 la.. ya.. mnasja..

nah.. becrita jua ku tu ah? :D

ikeinai taiyo na na na

"bila saja ada masa saya terluang sdikit, saya akan pergi ke.......

jamban!!

kalau tidak pun... saya akan betukup pkai slimut...


berharap dan berharap...


tertidur... sakit parut sma kepala ilang sendirinya.. plus melalui therapy rehat yg tlabih cukup..


selain itu, saya mkan penadol dan ubat cina [apani nmanya.. mn tau, tau lh..mn nda sbar sj ;p], sahaja. saya masih berasa lemah kerana tidak cukup tenaga. apa yg saya makan keluar smula. wohoho" note- ada plgku tenaga mliat vcd dmlm.


my stomach is rejecting all the foods i ate. setelah mrujuk dan bfikir, i can say that im agree that the closest conclusion to the symptoms im having-had is... diarrhoea.. yes, im saying it out loud that (maybe) i am having diarrhoea. mengalihku nyamuuu nyamu.

but.... its okay... i feel better than kmarin malam. [or im getting used to it? haha]. nda apa eh, sakit parut jua nganya. kjamban jua nganya. lpas tu ada sakit kpala jua nganya. il fight it. mkan ku ni, mkan ku apa sja yg ada. pbaik th ia keluar smula! pbaik th parutku sakit. psal aku cool. [ceh, sbenarnya si pjil bacakn rh internet tdi, di advise supaya brpuasa dua hari- tpi minum air lh. of course to replace the loss of water] huhu. laparku bh... oh.. how i miss nikmat yg trgantung sementara ani.. eseh.. tpi awu bh, how many unfortunate others are out there- than just to have this simple awful DIARRHOEA. maka, bsabarlah.. besyukurlah.. besenyumlah.. life is a gift.. food is a gift! eheh-eheh-hehe- when i recover fully, il eat macam2. nyehe. sma... not to forget my so long abandoned books.. knapakn kmu rajin ani... knapakn kmu laju mrevise ani.. tunggu bh aku... :D

eh... kami udh liat crita hana dot dot dot [ndaku apal] yg jipun ah. si pajil tu behantu =p. anyway.. loh.. cowok2nya ganteng abis.. bukan jua bh, rambut dorang lagi yg rugged.. oh.. si empunya mata yg lawa.. si empunya gigi yg lawa... si empunya senyuman yg asik...

what is soo wrong?

i dont know where-what went wrong.. i feel so unwell... :(

and i think its not the normal 'unwell'.. i feel so weirdly sick and ill. it started last night when aku sakit parut, balik2 ke jmban [ala~ u know what i mean, within jarak masa trtntu.. waha] ..then got a minor headache.. lpas tu, i feel so cold. tpi sajuk yg lain. pelik. but it was still okay. then kjamban lagi, then i started to tremble. my whole body was trembling brabis. i covered myself with double double blanketS. but still, that didnt stop me from trembling. my mua and leher [i think my upper part] was super panas. and yg lain, sajuk mcm kn mnangis rsanya. my head was so heavy. lpas tu panas tia. whole body panas mcm kn kanyat2 nganya inda. then, sajuk tia balik. huhuhu. i feel so bad. so weak. and i guess, my body temperature was a lil bit hot, my enzyme mati. ndaku beselera and makanan, minuman pait lagi tawar. what is sooo wrong? aku mcm alum mkan, tdi ptg sja.. atupun brapa garpu mee kh?? and i slept all day. bnar ni. what is so wrong???? maybe aku ada salah makan... (??) it was without any early sign.. without warning... and.. so fast...

get well soon aku... amin :(